MSD’s Metal Contradictions

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Real life examples of MSD’s real life hypocrisy as a real life metalhead. 


Pt I:

MSDC1

  • Metaphysical Anus

    Hey there kids! How many of you like black metal? What about Romanian black metal?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnXcl3tYyDs

    • Duh this band rules!

      • Metaphysical Anus

        This is a fact.
        #FactFacts
        PS. This is indeed their best album.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I liked that band Shining. Sarah didn’t really get them. I would say more but Sarah just came in wearing a black cocktail dress and just said that she wanted to be with me sexually. I like having her here as we have sex so often at this point.

      • This has got to stop. It’s not appropriate for this page.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          Does this site have some kind of morals? I have to clean up my act.

          • Cock of Steele

            I usually just open up another tab.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I don’t understand.

          • Cock of Steele

            Moral 16: Understand, or die.

          • Howard Dean
          • CyberneticOrganism

            Moral 18: Trucknutz or die! http://tinyurl.com/qb5wf

            Great web design, guys.

          • Christian Molenaar

            Moral ???: In 1999 this site would have been perfectly acceptable but a decade and half later I feel like I have a virus just for looking at it.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Moral X: I want this to end now!

          • Cock of Steele

            Moral XXX: It will never end

          • Cock of Steele

            Moral 19: COAL ROLL THE NON COAL ROLLERS TILL THEY CANNOT BE COAL ROLLED ANYMORE THAN WHEN YOU HAVE JUST COAL ROLLED THEM.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            AND THEN COAL ROLL THEM AGAIN BRO, WOOO!!!
            *high fives truck*
            *coal rolls self in face*
            *dies*

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            You rang?

          • Scrimm

            I used to coal roll in one of these.

          • THEY ALSO SELL BIKER BALLZ
            I’m dead.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Is it over? I think it’s safe now.

          • Howard Dean

            Moral 43: IT’S NEVER OVER.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Moral Shrek: It’s never ogre

          • Howard Dean

            Moral hunger: I’m going to go eat lunch right now. Asiago steak sandwich, bitches!

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Moral society: I’m gonna go pay my taxes.

          • Cock of Steele

            Moral Orel: Jam WASP all day err day.

          • fuuuuuuuuuuuck, no food is going to sound good now.

          • Howard Dean

            Today’s Monday lunch meeting catered by Panera! Asiago steak and mac ‘n’ cheese! Byaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

          • Moral 44: STAY TECH
            @webb71:disqus

          • Guest

            ….

          • Scrimm

            FUCK!!!! That’s one of my namesake’s best quotes and there’s no youtube video! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

          • Cock of Steele

            Moral 23 and a half: ‘Arry://image.blingee.com/images18/content/output/000/000/000/772/751462135_2096672.gif

          • Randall Thor

            Moral 1: Listen to power metal.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            And that’s why I chose moral nihilism.

          • Howard Dean

            Moral 2: Listen to OSDM.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Moral 3: Love DsO

          • Randall Thor

            DsO refers to both Diablo Swing Orchestra and Deathspell Omega at the same time

          • Metaphysical Anus

            It does. I’m a clever girl.

          • Between The Buried & Smee

            How about when people don’t specify which “DT” they’re referring to.

          • Randall Thor

            They get Devin Townsend and they will love it or else.

          • JWG

            I get DsO, but I’m completely incapable of coning up with a DT that’s not Devin Townsend.

            Should I? Or is this like how only knowing the tunes by the ‘Device’ that’s from Canada is a good thing.

          • Between The Buried & Smee

            Well there is Dream Theater, Dark Tranquility, and Darkthrone (kind of), but only knowing songs from Canadian Device is still a good thing.

          • JWG

            I see two right there I have no excuse for not thinking of this morning.

            I blame lack of coffee at the time.

          • Ayreonaut

            Dream theater

          • Howard Dean

            Moral 4: Love DsO some more. Love it more than your family.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Moral 5: DsO is your family.

          • Moral 6: If DsO is not your family, abandon your family.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Moral 7: If someone dislikes DsO, kill them without remorse.

          • Howard Dean

            Moral 8: Killing is my business, and business is good!

            http://coretexrecords.com/bilder/produkte/gross/Megadeth-killing-is-my-business.jpg

          • Randall Thor

            Moral 9: Listen to Jag Panzer to learn how to slay posers with spiked bats.

          • Howard Dean

            Moral 10: Harry Conklin has actually killed people with his voice. True story.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Moral 11: How is that a moral?

          • Randall Thor

            Moral 12: Stop asking questions?

          • Christian Molenaar

            Moral 13: We’ve gone too deep, turn back while you still can!

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Moral 14: We’re too deep already!

          • MORALS 15 – ∞: LISTEN TO POWER METAL.

          • Randall Thor

            Moral 14: Listen to power metal

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Moral whatever: Randall Thor is not a person with authority

          • Randall Thor

            Moral 16: Do not test the Car’a’carn

          • Sponge Of Mystery

            Moral 15: yolo

          • Christian Molenaar

            Moral 22: How does counting work?

          • Howard Dean

            Moral (unspecified): We’re into the Deep Web. We are lost. Woe.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Moral 666: Don’t make my traumas come back.

          • Howard Dean

            Moral 12: Do not question the morality of Harry Conklin’s vocal slaughter, or be vocally slaughtered by Harry Conklin.

        • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

          (´・ω・`)

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          No worries, you have my word that it will stop.

      • Ferris Mueller

        Which Shining? The one from Norway is better. MADNESS… AND THE DAMAGE DONE!!!

    • Randall Thor

      I was supposed to see them in Charlotte, but they cancelled 🙁

      • Metaphysical Anus

        Must’ve been a bummer.

        • Randall Thor

          Yeah, I was like 🙁 🙁 🙁 for a few days

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I believe that. At least you weren’t >:( >:( >:( for those few days.

          • Randall Thor

            I was like >:( when I missed the MDF early bird ticket sale

      • Xan

        I was also disappointed by the cancellation.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Nice, reminds me of Semargl a bit (before they turned into the ridiculous Eurotrash club/dance/metal combo of shit they are now). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XvmWLujq_4#t=46

      • Metaphysical Anus

        But does Semargl have xylophones? I don’t think so.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Nope, but they DO look like this now.

          • Christian Molenaar

            This is so metal.

          • Christian Molenaar

            This looks like a sci-fi (SyFy) remake of Burlesque. I would so watch this.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Oh my. What happened? This is what they should look like.

          • I would very much like to go to the arcade with them.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Why the fuck did that post three times goddammitsomuch disqus

          • No, no. It worked out perfectly.

          • Cock of Steele

            They have such an extensive touring schedule, they used the power of metal to clone themselves thrice to effectively handle the pressure.

          • Warheart

            The discolove or whatever is the name of that video is an inifinite source of Lulz.

            Though the redhead is amazingly hot.

      • Ferris Mueller

        This is pretty boring. Seriously, I can imagine me and wifey sway grinding on each other at a show when this plays… The EDM material might be somewhat more interesting?

        • Ferris Mueller

          Just youtubed some and… nope, not any better. There is literally ZERO consistency from song to song. Why the fuck do these guys even exist and who is this band for? Maybe the inspired The Browning?

    • Lord Ov Kapsko
      • Metaphysical Anus

        This is really good, but it needs some xylophone.

        • Lord Ov Kapsko

          I’ve been thinking about writing an article mentioning some lesser known polish bands. Maybe someday…

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I would do the same with lesser known Finnish bands, but I’m not that good of a writer.

          • Lord Ov Kapsko

            Also compare the amount of metal bands in our countries. Finland has got more metal bands than saunas.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Well, I don’t know about that. We do love our saunas. Hopefully our saunas won’t be ruined when Putin attacks.

          • Lord Ov Kapsko

            You’re worried too!?

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Kind of. Russians have interfered our airspace many times recently.

  • Randall Thor

    I use John Frieda Brilliant Brunette so that when I slay posers, the last thing they see is the brilliant shine and natural highlights in my hair

    • I windmill with glorious sheen as a distraction directly before I feed them steel.

      • d00d, bro, i was tossing around the idea in my head about writing a haircare article. maybe have a few people discuss haircare tips, akin to the Mighty Riff article?
        A) sounds helpful
        B) sounds dumb
        C) lolbuttz

        • Metaphysical Anus

          If you want to make me shut up, make that article. I have short hair that needs no care.

        • A. x 1,000,000,000,000,000.
          EDIT: Also, C.

        • Would go great with neckbeard upkeep tips.

        • KJM

          Gotta go with C.

        • W.

          lolbuttz

        • Ayreonaut

          Lolbuttz

        • crazytaco_12

          A, for sure dude. I’ve had a hell of a time navigating having long hair for numerous years, it’d be helpful. Also, lolbuttz

        • Gurp

          I cut my hair at the beginning of the summer, but some grooming tips would have been great.

        • Jöhnny Crünch™

          Combover tips would be more beneficial to me

        • mustangbomb

          “Which one? … Which one? … Which one?”

    • Dental_Damnation

      When you windmill at shows it also masks some of the booze and sweat aroma and replaces it with a lovely lavender smell breezing towards people in the near vicinity.

  • Occams_Razor_Ramon

    Lies. Your locks aren’t that beautiful and silken

    • You know better than to lie like this.

      • Occams_Razor_Ramon

        I’m just jealous I can’t windmill while I slay with steel 🙁

        • Cock of Steele

          Careful lest the last thing you see before being slain with steel is a golden windmill.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        Smite him down!

      • I wear v-necks and have short hair. Come at me bro.

        • 1 sec let me finish my coconut mask then I’m gonna beat your girly ass.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Wouldn’t that ruin your manicure?

          • Scrimm

            HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

        • W.

          I wear V-necks and have no hair.

    • #MasterlordSteelDragonLies

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Masterlord Steeldragon like Korn’s cover of Another Brick In The Wall parts 1, 2 and 3 more than the Pink Floyd version.

      #MSDLies #OrAreThey?

  • I liek dis. Was this because I called you out for calling “Stay Tech” lame?

    • It really effected me, you penis.

      • I prefer to be called by my full title: His Majesty Overlord of the Pure Blackness of the Void, Sir Floppy Phallus of Ann Cvlter IV.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        I’m not a person that should be doing this, but isn’t it “affected?”

        • Damn you!

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I’m sorry!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Awwwww, that’s so adorable!

    • Metaphysical Anus

      • Ugh. Anything “Keep calm” related makes me rage aneurysm-level hard.

        • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

          this might help you blow off some…smoke

      • You’re just a bad person for doing this.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          I know, that’s why I made it.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I disagree. He’s a good person for stating the greatness of technical music such as prog and tech death. Comparing King Crimson and Cryptopsy to Manilla Road is like comparing Hulk Hogan to a jobber or comparing Led Zeppelin to Trapt. Remember Trapt? Here’s their big song.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTvu1Yr3Ohk

          • Ayreonaut

            Hey isn’t that axls song?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            What song? It better not be King Crimson.

          • Ayreonaut

            No that crappy trapt song

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I never really liked them. I liked that song and that was the only thing that ever did of worth.

      • Christian Molenaar

        WORLD’S BIGGEST DOWNVOTE

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Tech death and prog for the win!

    • KJM

      liek dis if U crai everytiem

  • CyberneticOrganism

    The quality of images on these ToH articles is increasing like crazy. Well done, all.

  • Cock of Steele

    Love my Emperor shirt.

  • Homo sapiens metallum

    The last picture looks like Conchita Wurst.

  • Cockypock Aioli

    Lol. Dude my hair is so pretty. No split ends. No shame.

  • Scrimm

    Is it a contradiction to play guitar and do vocals in a death metal band and also be a kindergarten teacher?

    • Nope, it just means you’re a radical dude!

      • Scrimm

        Actually it would have to be used to be. I quit due to a severely toxic work environment with my bosses, among other political BS.

    • KJM

      Being a teacher, especially in the public sector, is a tough, thankless, yet necessary job, totally Metal imo.

    • Sockweb comes to mind… but yeah you’re good!

    • W.

      I too am in Academia. There is no sector more brootal.

      • Scrimm

        Agreed. I miss the kids and a lot of other things about it but I doubt I would ever go back at this point.

      • Ayreonaut

        A long time ago I had a biology teacher who said there was no band heavier than pantera. I proved him wrong with an Obituary tape. Regardless, he was a really cool dude and liked pantera

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I consider it such. I also consider it a contradiction to say In Flames’ new album is their best album.

  • JWG

    I wish I could grow my hair long again, but my profession demands that I be mostly clean-cut. I’m already defying full convention by having as metal a beard as possible while I have reasonable job security.

    Any time I have an interview for a new job, project or commission the beard has to go too. Then I feel beardless and sad, which affects my ability to interview at my full potential.

    It’s a vicious cycle.

  • Gordön

    it’s pronounced Gor-Don

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Here’s a contradiction of metal in my opinion: Calling Korn’s album from last year Album Of The Year over Behemoth’s The Satanist. Also, saying In Flames is heavier now than they’ve ever been.

  • My hair dreads up naturally, I hate waking up and having to undread it.

    • crazytaco_12

      Sometimes when I take my ponytail out before I take a shower, my hair stays in the same ponytail form.

  • Robin brings the thunder!

    >tfw I got a haircut about a month ago and don’t have to worry about spending so much time on it in the morning

    http://i.imgur.com/v4XUxUJ.jpg