Prepare for the worst video of the year.
Mrock is… well, it’s sort of a band. Apparently, it’s just one guy, Pietro M. Rock Zanetti. Mrock (or M Rock, it appears differently in multiple places) is on Ghost Label Record. No, I didn’t forget the “s” in “Records”. It seems that bands from Italy making horrible videos is now an albatross around my neck because, of course, Mrock is from Italy. I’m now cursed to wander this world alone, watching really bad videos from really bad Italian bands. If this is because I make fun of Olive Garden, I apologize for nothing.
This is the worst video of the year. That is not exaggeration; that is no hyperbole. It’s not bad because of silly special effects. It’s not bad because it’s heavy-handed with its commentary. It’s not bad because it’s unintentionally goofy. It’s not even bad because it’s Motograter or Neurotic November. It’s just… look, you’re just going to have to watch it for yourself to really understand what I mean.
0:02: Two skulls? Now you know they mean business.
0:08: Footage of cracked pavement provided by a Biohazard video from 1994.
0:18: Oh… oh, dear.
0:23: That sheet came pre-crusty from Goodwill.
0:30: That studded belt and chain wallet really draw your attention away from his bro-dora.
0:36: Did someone dress up their dementia-addled uncle as some sort of youtube prank?
0:39: Mrock looks just as confused about the situation as we are.
0:42: Nice dance moves, dude.
0:46: Easy there, Steven Seagal. Don’t want to pull your groin.
0:51: Is he dancing or did someone pour fire ants into his undies?
0:58: His facial hair screams “Chocolate donut-loving pederast.”
1:02: At least he’s got pointing down to a science.
1:05: Monkeys point!
1:08: Monkeys cry!
1:10: The poorly painted fingernails are the least of his problems.
1:17: Does… does he not know the camera is filming him?
1:24: He’s got the moves of a stroked-out Phil Collins.
1:30: Fun fact: If you google “can’t dance” this nightmare comes up.
1:34: I’m concerned that Mrock has some sort of inner-ear problem that’s throwing off his equilibrium.
1:42: These certainly aren’t the vocals I was expecting.
1:46: I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse.
1:49: Are his arms made of jelly? Maybe that’s the problem.
1:54: He’s not quite Nikki Sixx.
1:58: More like Nikki TwoAndThreeQuarterss.
2:05: If his head starts spinning around, I would not be surprised.
2:09: It would explain a lot actually.
2:16: I shouldn’t make fun of someone’s looks, but honestly, it looks like he’s starting to melt under those hot lights.
2:18: Like he just took a peak inside the Ark of the Covenant.
2:26: If you’re expecting something else to happen in this video, you’re sadly mistaken.
2:33: Changing into embarrassing outfits doesn’t count as something happening.
2:39: Mrock: Single-handedly making me wish I didn’t have a skull.
2:52: That’ll replace the zombies in my nightmares.
2:58: Remember that scene from Rocky III when Mr. T’s character Clubber Lang predicted “Pain”?
3:03: That prediction easily applies to this video.
3:07: Also, it allows me to talk about something else other than this video.
3:10: Because, y’know, NOTHING IS FUCKING HAPPENING IN THIS FUCKING VIDEO.
3:14: FUCK! MAKE IT STOP!
3:18: This guy definitely tucks his wiener in-between his legs and does these dances in front of a mirror. [W. – I never miss an opportunity to post “Goodbye Horses”]
3:24: His face is sponsored by Instant Quaker Oatmeal.
3:29: Does that wall owe him money? What’s the deal with the kicking?
3:33: Oh, fuck you. I thought it was over.
3:36: Got my hopes up for nothing.
3:38: Good thing those goggles are on his hat otherwise he might not be able to see his sweet moves.
3:45: This video is ripe for gifs.
3:51: In fact, the whole video should come in gif form.
3:56: Someone make it happen.
3:57: Please, we need something good to come out of this natural disaster.
3:59: Here’s hoping he left the safety off.
4:09: Maybe he can press his eye up to the gun to see if it’s loaded.
4:14: Whoa, I think he’s actually going to do it.
4:17: I’ll bet there’s a very good reason why that gun smells like his crotch.
4:25: Fuck it. Let it happen. It would end the suffering.
4:28: Gross gross gross gross gross!
4:38: Worst E-Harmony commercial ever.
What a way to end the year. Thanks for the mental scars, Mrock.