More Adventures in Crowdfunding

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I dredge the sewery depths of the internet’s biggest panhandling platform so you don’t have to.

Kickstarter has proven time and time again that having the ability to share your inspiration with a global audience is a terrible fucking idea. If anything, people should have fewer ideas and share them with fewer people. Shame yourself a little more, silence that inner monologue that says “peeple will love this i have too tell evaryone lol!!1” and flush your inspiration down the festering, foul, filthy and fetid toilet ov hell.

noguitarmoney

Guitar Fund for Broke College Metal Head to play free show

The Good: “I love playing guitar.” Well, there’s that I guess. He loves playing it so much that instead of making a video showing his skills and/or dedication to his hobby of choice, he uploaded that shitty picture and asked the entire internet for a mere $25 to buy one. This is the “potato salad” method: 1) request a pittance, 2) hope it goes viral, 3) profit. But hey, he’s going to play a free show once he gets it! Isn’t that something you’d like to see? One guy standing alone onstage, belting out fuzzy, unrecognizable Avenged Sevenfold riffs while his parents hover in the shadows nearby because he told them it’ll ruin his chances of getting signed after the third encore.

The Bad: “I go to guitar center all the time to play their stuff, or at least I did until they finally banned me for never buying anything.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, hey there you are!

The Lolbuttz: “I will find a guitar for as little as $25 that I will mod into a tonal beast!” Good news, I found one in your price range! Make it a tonal beast! Good luck with your free show!

——————–

FNM_cover

I’m bringing good music back! Fans of Faith No More rejoice!

The Good: Oh thank fucking god, it’s about time. Okay everyone, breathe a sigh of relief, we can all relax now. Jettison your personal preferences: this guy’s got a plan to bring, like, actually good music back. Apparently it was gone, but thank almighty fuck this guy found it. It’s basically Faith No More, in case you were wondering. Man, remember when Angel Dust came out? And it was, like, really good & stuff? It was like the “thinking man’s” music. So much better than the crap they play today, that’s for sure. Why does there have to be new music anyway? Why can’t they just play Angel Dust on repeat forever? Beats me.

The Bad: For fans of modern rock radio and sad dog commercials.

The best way to describe the music will be saying: think Faith No More! That band went beyond being pigeonholed into one category and is the epitome of diversity, creating some amazing music. Fans of Sevendust, Linkin Park, Lacuna Coil, Incubus and Sarah MacLachlan will also be very pleased.

The Lolbuttz: “Make no mistake though, this project is 20 years in the making and it will be done!” Awesome, another one of these!

——————–

reptilian_small

Reptilian – Demons in Vein

The Good: Someone besides Rings of Saturn is still using Guitar Pro… wait, that’s not good at all.

The Bad: Someone besides Rings of Saturn is still using Guitar Pro. Also, with song names like “Archons in 4th Dimmension” and “War In Chaos Universe,” how have you not donated already? This kid needs $8000 stat!

The Lolbuttz: What in the ever-loving fuck is that cover art supposed to be? A shrink-wrapped placenta? A jello mold gone horribly wrong? There are many filters in Photoshop that you can use to make a great image. Plastic Wrap is not one of them.

——————–

risendemon

The Risen Demon Band

The Bad: Well you’re not going to find any instruments there.

weareinthemists_long

weareinthemists_short

guyinthemists_sad

The More Bad: Who knew those could even make music? Or that there was a “soon future”?

munitions_long

munitions_short

munitions_sad

The Lolbuttz: Given their intelligent and well-reasoned plea for your hard-earned cash, they’re looking for ten goddamned thousand fucking dollars to buy new gear. How else are these poor munitions supposed to start their band in all that mist? They should join forces with the $25 guitar guy and just start a Verb The Noun band already, like Mist The Munitions or Detonate The Fog or something. Drop the whole “risen demon” thing, the only demon here is poor grammar.

(images via via | hat tip to yourkickstartersucks)

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  • Disgustache

    I watch a lot of Twitch streams, and one of the streamers I follow does this every month with video games. It’s fucking hilarious to see him look at these bottom of the barrel, quarter baked video game ideas.l

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Nice. This site is always good for a laugh, too: http://yourkickstartersucks.tumblr.com/

        • KJM

          People actually gave money to this guy?

          • “My lips are all chapped but I don’t wanna look like fuckin’ HOMO or nothin’. If only there was a solution for me!”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Available In These Powerful, Manly Flavors:
            – GASOLINE
            – CIGAR ASH
            – BURNING TIRE
            – GRIZZLY BEAR
            – GUNPOWDER
            – F-350 COAL ROLL
            – YOUR OWN SEMEN
            – GREAT WHITE SHARK
            – VFW BAR
            – BACK HAIR

          • Mysteries of life! :O

          • KJM

            Damn, I gotta come up with a scheme like this.

          • KJM

            Long ago I had the idea for a Godzilla bike horn.

          • Shrimp in a Pizza Box™

            Better yet: a GOJIRA BIKE HORN. Plays a pick scrape every time.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            *donates $500*

          • KJM

            When you toot it, it yells “WHAAAAAAAALES!!!”

          • Actually interested in this. I was almost wiped out twice on my ride to work today.

          • The W.

            Crashed my bike on campus as a freshman because some kid was walking in the bike lane with headphones in.

          • Tyree

            I’ve been hit 3 times by cars. Had to go to the hospital the first time.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Same here. First one was minor, second one was a hit & run, third one was minor but easily avoidable.

          • Tyree

            The first one I got t-boned and completely flipped over the drivers car. She had to buy me a new bike. I was pretty beat up though, still went to work after the hospital trip.

            The second was minor and the 3rd was a hit and run. I got sideswiped and got ran off the road. That one scared me, but luckily was fine. It could have be much worse. She just kept on going and never stopped. She had her kids in the car too.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Yeesh, was that new bike the Salsa? My H&R perpetrator was a dumpy middle-aged woman. When I eventually find her I’m punching her square in the goddamned face for leaving me in the middle of an intersection.

          • The W.

            Dang. I did my Master’s Thesis on bike stuff. A lot of negative attitudes exist between bike users and car users.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            W: ever read this guy? http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/

            He’s funny and documents a ton of cyclist/driver hate in NYC and elsewhere.

          • The W.

            I have not, but I’m keen to check this out.

          • RustyShackleford

            Unfortunately needed to drive around NYC recently while here for the summer. The bike/car war is real!

          • DCLXVI
          • CyberneticOrganism

            Local Reanimated Corpse Steals Camera, Invades Public Park To Record Video

          • KJM

            I’ve been hit, went flip-dee-do over my handlebars and landed right on my tailbone, fracturing it. I ended up with $10,000 and an apology from Green Cab.

          • Tyree

            Most embarrassing wipe out I ever did was downtown in PSU campus. I had to stop at an intersection where there were a shit ton of students walking to class. I went to try and unclip from my pedal and the clip would not release. I pretty much just fell over side ways like a total dork. Every one saw it too. It was pretty funny.

          • I only have a toe cage on one pedal on my bike due to: clumsy and falling down at red lights.

          • Tyree

            Nothing can take away your pride faster then falling over on your bike at a red light.

          • The name of that one made me laugh for far longer than it should have.

          • Condom Full Of Croutons

            We need something like this to use on people like that.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuxdzR6G-tg

          • Tyree
        • CyberneticOrganism

          Dude, you got any chapstick brah? My lips are chafed brah. I need my dudestick brah! Oh wait here it is next to my loose hollowpoint bullets, my handgun, my knife and my $5000 Navy SEAL-approved atomic watch.

          • WHERE THE HELL IS THE ‘MURICAN FLAG?

            GL

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Too liberal, my freedom-loving brother. We only rock the DON’T TREAD ON ME flag ’round these parts.

          • FWIW, I have two neighbors who fly both both the DTOM and American flags at the same time. Yep!

          • DCLXVI

            even better

          • BRAH, does my lips are good?

            *makes pop noises while putting Dude Stick*

          • Tyree

            Bro, grab the cooler and fill that fucker up with some cold stones brah! We going fishing Bro!

            http://p.fod4.com/p/media/6d4a075cca/D1DCMbzRqiLgi93fQdwX_Hand%20Fish%20Catch.gif

          • Huh? What’s th- Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

          • Tyree

            That’s a dumb ass fish.

          • I don’t know man, we use to feed all the Largemouth in my parents pond with creek cubs and they would come swimming right up when we would get anywhere near the pond. I assume they could hear us walking up? Anyway. I would be that guy had that fish “trained” in a similar way. Sweet gif for sure!

          • Tyree

            He’ll regret it one day when he gets filleted.

          • (RFI) Here is a batch we caught last spring in TN. They were all females. They were spawning like crazy.

            yum

          • Also (RFI), a small batch of crappie we caught this spring. Two of us cleaned fish for 5 hours. Bourbon helps in those situations, lol.

            GL

        • RustyShackleford

          Does a donation of any amount get me a 30 rack of Natty Lite and/or a free trip to BDUBS?!?!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Their Spicy Sweet Hot Honey Chile Picante Salsa Fire Hombre Cabo Cactus Sauce always dries my lips out brah.

          • Condom Full Of Croutons

            You sound like you were channeling your inner Guy Fieri for a minute there.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            !!

          • Tyree

            WOW.

        • “WITH CORE NATURAL INGREDIENTS”

          ahahahaaaaaaaaa

        • Condom Full Of Croutons

          Fleshlights come with ‘core ingredients’ now?

        • The W.

          This sounds like the worst podcast idea ever.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            It’ll age nicely with all the other fake “Drunk [X]” shows.

          • The W.

            Face it. There’s absolutely nothing better than hearing your drunk friends ramble on about how they almost hooked up with a chick at some party.

          • I hear my co-workers rambles everyday. I will start to think they’re really drunk.

          • KJM

            Key word being “almost”.

          • Condom Full Of Croutons

            “Bro, that bitch waitress at B Dubs wouldn’t suck my dick, bro! I even offered her some wings and Four Loko, man! How the fuck am I gonna watch UFC if I’m permanently banned from there?!?!?”

            *cries into his pillow while Limp Bizkit’s ‘Break Stuff’ plays on repeat*

        • Condom Full Of Croutons

          And the journalism will still be more accurate than CNN and Fox News combined.

      • Disgustache

        God that shit is painful.

        • Secrets exposed —- Hillary Clinton did 311 (or whatever the date is)

          http://36.media.tumblr.com/90126971b0fb36cf9986aa0538e35b9c/tumblr_nnlb5vz5Hc1rugltbo1_1280.png

          • KJM

            Bill Clinton bought 7-11 and ate all the burgers.

          • Condom Full Of Croutons

            And banged the cashier. You know, the one with the eye patch, meth mouth, and 5 o’clock shadow.

          • KJM

            He’s not picky.

          • more beer

            In his defense. He got hungry after the attack on the Mexican congress.

          • KJM

            Bombing aspirin factories in Sudan will make you hungry too.

          • more beer

            Plus planning and carrying out 9/11 was probably a huge calorie burner!

          • Disgustache

            311? Amber is the color Hillary’s energy.

      • The W.

        I like the teen dating website controlled by parents. Add an Ichthus to that, and I bet you could get the Quiverfull nuts to join in.

        • Shrimp in a Pizza Box™

          I like how someone even pledged 1$ to it.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            His mom.

      • Fine Sexy Ladies

        Am I the only one who’d want to see that Bea Arthur bust realized?

    • Maik Beninton™

      Lol I have seen those.
      Ever heard of Funhaus?
      They have a series where they play old demos.

      • Disgustache

        I haven’t, but I need to get in on that it sounds like.

        • Maik Beninton™

          They have a channel on YouTube, they also play games that are like, 1 dollar.

  • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

    https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/press-releases/2015/06/crowdfunding-project-creator-settles-ftc-charges-deception

    The FTC is now watching your shitbag, fly by night crowd funding ideas. Act accordingly

  • IN SOVIETS RUSSIA, MUNITIONS IS HEAVY METALS m/m/

    http://i.imgur.com/mzpl5E2.jpg

    Great work, CO. I enjoyed the lolz.

    GL

  • This munition and mist commentary made my morning.

    Thank you very much for making me laugh <3

  • KJM

    Crowd loaning should be more of a thing. People might be more open to funding a movie/album/hair-brained scheme if they thought there was a snowballs chance in hell of being paid back.

    • JW(E)G

      …one of the higher tiers on a recent indie film Kickstarter I supported had pretty much that option plus extra incentive: $2500 would guarantee you the return of your $2500 after the DVD-release of the film plus a share (to be negotiated) in film-related merchandise.

      I didn’t have the dough to do that, but in retrospect I should have taken out a loan: I think they’re on the verge of an *international* distribution deal.

      • Lacertilian

        Was that for Super Troopers 2?
        They had a shitload of funny ones.

  • RustyShackleford

    LAWDY

  • Tyree

    Sarah MacLachlan is kind hearted and a beautiful soul. “in the arms of the angel
    fly away from here”

    http://www.imagefully.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Sweety-Baby-Angel-Pray-To-God-Picture2.gif

  • First Kickstarter just want to shred. Give him money:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaCErlW-3p8

  • Scrimm

    Damn, I’m gonna start a kickstarter campaign of my own. I just need to decide what for.

  • Tips for starting a Kickstarter: 1) Use correct grammar 2) We aren’t your Mommy and Daddy, buy your own fucking guitar 3) Don’t start a Kickstarter

    • JW(E)G

      It reminded me of one indie horror project on Kickstarter last year that was riddled with terrible grammar, awful syntax, and constant spelling errors. In spite of all of that it looked like a good project, so I was a bit sad when it didn’t even make 10% of its funding; but it should have been obvious to them up front that if they want to attract a confident supporter base it can’t look like it was written by a third-grader.

      The director behind it re-launched on Indiegogo a while later and it didn’t fare any better. Although he probably got an editor involved, he forgot to promote it at all.

      …That would be my second lesson for Kickstarter use, based on the efforts of Peter Simeti (The Chair) and so far of Elias Ganster (Ayla): promotion of your fundraising has to nearly be a full-time job in and of itself. You can’t just post it and walk away for sure. But you also can’t half-ass your self-advertising.

      • CT-12

        Agreed. I think the people who use them to ought to be fair about price. I’ve looked past many kickstarter’s their perks are horribly overpriced ex. “for $30, you get a digital download of the movie!” Fuck that shit.

  • The W.

    I was going to ask if crowdfunding campaigns are a distinctly millenial thing, but then I remembered that old guy from the last edition and got sad.

  • Dagon

    Fuck you, Cybro, you made me laugh too hard at the last one and my ribs hurt like hell. Still love you, though.

    One day I’ll fund my band inspired by these last kickstarters and my favore Da Lynch Mob song – Guerillas In Tha Mist.

  • CEO – Cybernetic Entertainment Organism. I can’t I’m suprised some people are that stupid because they actually are.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I like this.

  • DCLXVI

    I would contribute to a Kickstarter/gofundme/indiegogo that was for whatever purpose that Link felt was an appropriate way to spend the money

  • Tyree

    If you are into this, check out Tyrant Goatgaldrakona. They just released a crushing album this year.

    https://bloodharvestrecords.bandcamp.com/album/horns-in-the-dark-12lp

    • Tyree

      Wow, wrong tab.

  • CT-12

    My sides are fucking destroyed hahaha! You fucking tore these fundraisers a new asshole dude! hahaha, seriously can’t stop laughing at this

    • CyberneticOrganism

      They do all the work, I just try and keep us aware of the lolbuttzing