More Adventures in Crowdfunding

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I dredge the sewery depths of the internet’s biggest panhandling platform so you don’t have to.

Kickstarter has proven time and time again that having the ability to share your inspiration with a global audience is a terrible fucking idea. If anything, people should have fewer ideas and share them with fewer people. Shame yourself a little more, silence that inner monologue that says “peeple will love this i have too tell evaryone lol!!1” and flush your inspiration down the festering, foul, filthy and fetid toilet ov hell.

noguitarmoney

Guitar Fund for Broke College Metal Head to play free show

The Good: “I love playing guitar.” Well, there’s that I guess. He loves playing it so much that instead of making a video showing his skills and/or dedication to his hobby of choice, he uploaded that shitty picture and asked the entire internet for a mere $25 to buy one. This is the “potato salad” method: 1) request a pittance, 2) hope it goes viral, 3) profit. But hey, he’s going to play a free show once he gets it! Isn’t that something you’d like to see? One guy standing alone onstage, belting out fuzzy, unrecognizable Avenged Sevenfold riffs while his parents hover in the shadows nearby because he told them it’ll ruin his chances of getting signed after the third encore.

The Bad: “I go to guitar center all the time to play their stuff, or at least I did until they finally banned me for never buying anything.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, hey there you are!

The Lolbuttz: “I will find a guitar for as little as $25 that I will mod into a tonal beast!” Good news, I found one in your price range! Make it a tonal beast! Good luck with your free show!

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FNM_cover

I’m bringing good music back! Fans of Faith No More rejoice!

The Good: Oh thank fucking god, it’s about time. Okay everyone, breathe a sigh of relief, we can all relax now. Jettison your personal preferences: this guy’s got a plan to bring, like, actually good music back. Apparently it was gone, but thank almighty fuck this guy found it. It’s basically Faith No More, in case you were wondering. Man, remember when Angel Dust came out? And it was, like, really good & stuff? It was like the “thinking man’s” music. So much better than the crap they play today, that’s for sure. Why does there have to be new music anyway? Why can’t they just play Angel Dust on repeat forever? Beats me.

The Bad: For fans of modern rock radio and sad dog commercials.

The best way to describe the music will be saying: think Faith No More! That band went beyond being pigeonholed into one category and is the epitome of diversity, creating some amazing music. Fans of Sevendust, Linkin Park, Lacuna Coil, Incubus and Sarah MacLachlan will also be very pleased.

The Lolbuttz: “Make no mistake though, this project is 20 years in the making and it will be done!” Awesome, another one of these!

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Reptilian – Demons in Vein

The Good: Someone besides Rings of Saturn is still using Guitar Pro… wait, that’s not good at all.

The Bad: Someone besides Rings of Saturn is still using Guitar Pro. Also, with song names like “Archons in 4th Dimmension” and “War In Chaos Universe,” how have you not donated already? This kid needs $8000 stat!

The Lolbuttz: What in the ever-loving fuck is that cover art supposed to be? A shrink-wrapped placenta? A jello mold gone horribly wrong? There are many filters in Photoshop that you can use to make a great image. Plastic Wrap is not one of them.

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risendemon

The Risen Demon Band

The Bad: Well you’re not going to find any instruments there.

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The More Bad: Who knew those could even make music? Or that there was a “soon future”?

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The Lolbuttz: Given their intelligent and well-reasoned plea for your hard-earned cash, they’re looking for ten goddamned thousand fucking dollars to buy new gear. How else are these poor munitions supposed to start their band in all that mist? They should join forces with the $25 guitar guy and just start a Verb The Noun band already, like Mist The Munitions or Detonate The Fog or something. Drop the whole “risen demon” thing, the only demon here is poor grammar.

(images via via | hat tip to yourkickstartersucks)

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