Monthly Mierda: HICK-HOP

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Welcome to a new (hopefully) monthly feature wherein we discuss the merits of whatever the worst shit I heard in the last couple weeks happens to be.With Whiff of the Week now firmly laid to rest, the Toilet finds itself once again requiring an outlet for venting our frustration at bad things. I believe my track record in terms of finding not-good stuff is solid enough a résumé to nominate myself our official Lolbuttz Editor. (Bite me, Karlheinz.) Anyway, let’s cut the crap and talk about crap.

Many in our ranks have been longtime fans of a (figuratively) little band called Texas Hippie Coalition, whose singer’s jiggling belly our own W. has called “mesmerizing.” Their special brand of high-energy heavy \m/etal infused with a certain Southern swagger is totally unique to anyone who’s never heard Pantera.

But what if, by some miracle, Texas Hippie Coalition managed to up their ignorance quotient by 300%? Why, then we’d have Moonshine Bandits. These “country hip-hop rebels” combine brash Southern pride (in spite of being from, uh, California) with boom-bap beats straight out of a Casio keyboard. GETCHA PULL LOOSE

But the Bandits, like any real artists, are unafraid to take risks. For their smash hit “Super Goggles,” the duo turn up the Auto-Tune. In a faux-country pop song?! What a bold and unprecedented artistic decision!

But if, God help us, Moonshine Bandits still weren’t quite ignorant enough for your demanding standards, Mini Thin is here to help. If the thumbnail of Thin flanked by a blonde in a Confederate flag bikini and a brunette too embarrassed to strip down in front of this subhuman creature wasn’t enough to bring in the views, Thin has his SEO skills on point, as evidenced by the “Country Rap Redneck Confederate flag rebel” appendix tacked onto this video’s title to draw in those who may have been unsure.

And yet, somehow, it gets better! Though the clever Christmas-themed/racist wordplay of 2012’s “Obama / Grinch that stole America” is more than strong enough to stand the test of time, Mini Thin demonstrates a keen ability to keep up with the latest trends by updating this video four years later with “isis president donald trump 2016” to draw in the curious minds of assholes like me.

And that’s it for this month. There you go, a sampling of some truly dreadful music with even worse visual accompaniment.

 

What, you want more?

You actually think it’s possible to get worse than Mini Thin?

Well, I guess there’s always…

Scuzz Twittly.

To be honest, I don’t even know where to begin with this video. I mean, the dude is actually wearing a dance belt in his own music video. And so I present you with this chart:

chart

There is plenty of truly offensively bad music in this world, a small sampling of which has been graphed above. The taxonomy of much of this music is easily identified: Limp Bizkit take the worst of hip-hop and metal and make nu-metal while Florida Georgia Line replace Wes Borland’s riffs with Toby Keith‘s patented brand of date-rape-ready country songs about partying.

What is less distinct is an as-yet-unidentified fourth factor that I believe each of these artists shares; some unknown variable must exist to tie it all together and one I believe Scuzz Twittly possesses in spades. Could it be conservativism? Percentage of fans enlisted in the Marine Corps? Lack of family tree branches? Number of concerts played for the troops? Chinlessness? $1000 to whoever can aid in this vital research.

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