Missed Connections: The Metal Edition

Ever met someone special, but failed to get their name or contact information? We all have at some point, and what a grievous loss for humanity it is! In order to sympathize with you all, I have collected the most tragic and depressing tales of missed connections at metal and punk shows the world has yet known. Grab that box of tissues and prepare to experience emotions that not even a Pixar movie can deliver.

(click to embiggen)

Missed Connection 1

Missed Connection 3


Missed Connection 4

Missed Connection 2


Missed Connection 5


Missed Connection 6


Written by:

Published on: August 2, 2016

Filled Under: Lolbuttz

Views: 936

Tags: ,

  • “I’m not actually sure if you’re a woman…”


  • Dubbbz

    Bald man at show – m4m

    I saw you at the Gorguts show the other night. You were easy to pick out because of the way the light reflected off of your shaved head like a lighthouse guiding my heart home. I looked across the sea of unkempt hair and saw you during the breakdown of “Forgotten Arrows,” and you looked back at me. In that moment, it was like our two souls became one. I thought about speaking to you after the show, one bald man to another, but words would never do justice to what my heart felt. I could tell from the look in your eyes that you felt it too, that feeling of being completely known and unafraid. Thank you for being there. Thank you for being bald like me.

    P.S. if you see me at the CC show next Tuesday, please feel free to gaze into my soul as if it were your mirror. because it is.


      • Dubbbz

        Yesterday Scrimm was being a big mean bully and threatening to follow me around in a hawk costume. 🙁

        • I have never experienced that because I’m a man.

          • Dubbbz

            I deserve this.

        • JWEG

          All but the highest of high-end costume shops tend to have more Hawkgirl than just ‘Hawk’ costumes, though, so I think you’re safe.

          • Dubbbz

            I certainly wouldn’t flee from Scrimm if he was wearing a Hawkgirl costume.

    • Summer Slaughter?

    • Well now I have to find 6 more instead of 5

  • all the thumbnail filenames are “tommy1” “tommy2”

  • Waynecro

    These are wonderful, Mr. Thor. Thank you for making me believe in romance again.

    • Eliza

      I think romance is overrated, but I find this collection to be especially sad.

      • Dubbbz

        You just haven’t found the right neanderthal to treat you like an object yet.

        • Eliza

          That sounds scary.

          • Abradolf Lincler


          • Eliza


          • Abradolf Lincler

            … wheres Gorak when you need him

      • Waynecro

        Any one of these missed connections is a big-budget Hollywood romantic comedy waiting to happen.

        • Eliza

          Those would be rom-coms I would actually want to watch.

          • Waynecro

            Someone will probably have a script finished and on Jack Black’s desk by the end of the day.

          • Just have any woman come tell me how much she loves poser metal and you can create that romcom any day

  • Megan Alexandra

    Contact info for last guy pls

  • Metal show love fantasies are pretty ridiculous and far fetched. Satan knows I’ve had them before in my angsty younger years. Tee Hee.

    • Dubbbz

      Girl in the Noothgrush jacket -T4w

      hey there girl. I saw you rockin out to satan at the show. You had a nasty, filthy jacket on. Let’s go be crust punks and jump in a woodchipper.

      • Dubbbz

        Also, obligatory: There’s a Noothgrush on my toothbrush.

      • You getz me so hard Dubz.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Girl in the Noothgrush jacket: plz share my toothbrush

    • I got hit on by an attractive woman when I saw Cannabis Corpse. It was going well until her boyfriend got super mad at her/me.

      • Oh, I had a similar experience while on tour. I’m pretty sure I told this story once to many already here, but I totally can relate to your experience. Jelly boyfriends are just the wurst.

      • Waynecro

        A large older woman was watching me pee at a show recently (the dive bar lacks a door to the men’s restroom). I can’t help but think I could have had a magical love adventure with a toothless cougar that night.


        • Eliza

          Awwwwww, that’s … really creepy.

          • Waynecro

            Yeah. I really wish they’d put up a goddamned door.

          • more beer

            Back in the day I used to see shows at this place that didn’t have urinals. Just a giant trough. So you would be looking across the thing at some other guy pissing. It was pretty disgusting..

          • Waynecro

            I hate those giant troughs. Public bathrooms are just awful in general.

          • more beer

            Yea but some places are worse than others. But I failed to mention the trough in this place was in the middle of the room.

          • Waynecro

            I don’t know why anyone thought those toughs were a good idea.

          • more beer

            Who knows?

          • Shakes 999

            Worst public bathroom. Any bar on 6th street in Austin. Holy Christ they are bad.

          • Waynecro

            Back in the day, the band I was in often played at a biker bar in a notoriously meth-ridden part of the city. The bathroom there was always at least one inch deep in sewage. After a heavy rain, that sewage began spreading into the rest of the club. None of the regulars seemed to notice.

        • nbm02ss

          That’s a shame, especially if getting gummed is on your bucket list.

          • Waynecro

            It really isn’t.

        • ME GORAK!!!™


      • nbm02ss

        I was at a show for The Haunted many moons ago and a woman walked up behind me and started rubbing an ice cube on the side of my neck because, “I looked hot”. Some guy she was with got really angry at her, grabbed her by the arm and pulled her out of the venue.

        People are fucking weird, man.

        • Yeah that’s sort of what happened with the girl that was hitting on me. The boy friend physically forced her away from me. It was not cool. Humans suck.

  • tigeraid

    This is the “Play with toy trains, masturbate and take home imitation crab meat” of Metal.

  • Eliza
  • Hubert

    Only posers talk to women, true warriors stare.

  • Jom Pootersan

    This is quality content.

  • Randall, this was an hilarious collection. You must get all the damsels in danger because you are handsome, powerful and funny!

    Can we go together to a Glory Dragon show? I got sick moves at relationships too!

    • Hail, my fellow knight of the white! We shall court many lovely ladies and protect them from the forces of dark neanderthals that threaten to bodily injure them in the mosh pit!

  • RustyShackleford

    “Very knowledgable metalhead.” I lol’d. Praise Randall! Yep!

  • Rob M

    Once had a girl pass out on my back during a Marduk set…I think in some states we’re considered engaged

    • That’s kinda adorable Rob.

      • Rob M

        Tis a tale of epic romance

        • more beer

          Drunken love.

  • At a Pantera show many years ago, a sloppy drunk girl climbed on me and a couple friends’ shoulders so that she could flash Phil. Crazy what some people do when they get tuned up.

    • Sy-Klone

      I’m pretty sure I was one of your friends, because that happened to me too!!!!!

      —unless, of course, the possibility exists that there could be multiple sloppy drunk girls getting on random guys’ shoulders to flash Pantera…

  • Hans Gruber

    “and I can’t remember which album yours was.”

    Excellent. Absolutely excellent.

  • “Most likely woman” wut

  • CyberneticOrganism


    • Mike/reggie?
      I am awash in confusion.

  • Tim Wilsön

    “your obvious command of heavy metal knowledge turned me on like nothing else” LOOOOOOOOOL