Mini-Reviews from Around the Toilet Bowl

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We listen to a lot of music around here (some have whimpered through streams of snot and chattering teeth that it’s “just too much”). As dumb posers sellouts with dumb poser jobs, we don’t have the wherewithal to review it all. Even so, we’ve settled on yet another way to make you weep for the contents of your poor widdle wallets – mini-reviews from around the toilet bowl.

It’s pretty much what it sounds like. Every so often, we’re going to have our writers pick a handful of albums they never got around to reviewing, then review them using just a few sentences. A few writers per post, a few albums per writer. Joe, W. and I will start it off.

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SHSatan’s Host – Pre-Dating God
Moribund Records  |  January 18, 2015

Pre-Dating God is a heaping helping of Satan’s Host’s signature blackened power metal, and I do mean heaping. Every song lands somewhere between really good and really goddamn great, and Conklin’s kickass falsetto makes me want to go get a dad haircut and age 30 years so I can be just like him. That being said, not even quality like this keeps after an hour and twenty minutes. Double albums are lame, dude. Bash my face in with righteous heavy metal tunes for 40-45 minutes, then back the hell off. Therein lies success. (Note: I typically dislike covers, and I typically dislike Grim Reaper, but the cover of “See You In Hell” is a serious jam.) Listen to: “After the End“, “Soul Wrent” — Masterlord

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GSGoat Semen – Ego Svm Satana
Hell’s Headbangers Records  |  February 24, 2015

I (and a smallish handful of other depraved weirdos) have been waiting quite some time for a full length from Goat Semen – the band you don’t listen to in public for fear of being asked what you’re listening to and having to say “uhhh. . . Goat Semen.” Ego Svm Satana’s 39-minute assault proves worth the wait. These Peruvians have been doing war metal for 15 years, and this album exemplifies the genre. Nonstop quasi-musical fury and vicious Spanish vocals ov death. “En tus ojos yo vi / El umbral de la oscuridad / Madre muerte / Abrázame!” Not for fans of: deodorant, making your parents proud, upstanding citizenry, ever finding love. — Masterlord

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a3562890597_10Evil Spirit – Cauldron Messiah
Horror Records  |  October 13, 2014

Death-doom with a little bit of variety in the vocal and tempo departments. While this does manage to break up some of the “monotony of death-doom” (as some would say), there’s not a whole lot to hold on to. There’s nothing particularly offensive here, but there’s nothing particularly interesting either, and that’s coming from the guy who watched his cat watch another cat for over an hour yesterday. If you’re not a death-doom aficionado, you could get away with skipping on this. If you are a death-doom aficionado, you probably already know that you have better options. Listen to “Cauldron Messiah” — Masterlord

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Xibalba-Tierra-Y-Libertad-ArtworkXibalba Tierra Y Libertad
Southern Lord  |  January 27, 2015

I’ve been a big fan of Xibalba since they dropped Madre Mia Gracias Por Las Dias (and the absurdly rad video for “Cold”). Tierra Y Libertad is easily their best album yet. It is a delightful blend of catchy hardcore and riff-y death metal. I only wish I had paid closer attention in one of the SIX SEMESTERS of Spanish I took so I could understand the lyrics better. Not sure if this is the album for you? Take a listen to the title track and try not to windmill through your place of employment. Skip the last track though; It’s 12 minutes of a whole lot of nothing.  — Joe Thrashnkill

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BatBat Primitive Age 12″
Hell’s Headbangers  |  February 17, 2015

Do you like Municipal Waste’s overtly cartoonish take on retro metal revivalism or are you a stick-in-the-mud loserwiener? Ryan Waste (guitarist of Municipal Waste, duh) proves that he knows his shit when it comes to speed metal as well as thrash as he takes on bass and vocal duties for Bat. Highly recommended for fans of: speed metal, denim jackets, guitars that sound like actual guitars, knuckle dragging, Motörhead, booze and/or FUN. Listen here. — Joe Thrashnkill

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hati hatiEero Koivistoinen Quartet Hati Hati
Svart  |  February 27, 2015

I don’t know a fucking thing about jazz and to be honest, I’d like to keep it that way. Self-professed jazz fans are either vapid morons that believe shopping at Urban Outfitters makes them artistic or the very worst kind of basement-dwelling nerd. Boastful ignorance notwithstanding, Hati Hati is a damn enjoyable listen. Eero Koivistoinen is a jazz saxophonist from Finland who has been doing the damn thing since the 60s. He assembled a team of hotshot players and put together this album in 2009. It will see the light of day on CD and LP soon thanks to the folks at Svart Records. Have your kid mix you a Manhattan, put this record on and feel like an adult. But like, a swingin’ adult. Listen here. (Pst… Svart, please send me this LP)Joe Thrashnkill

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Hands of Orlac – Figli del Crepuscolo
Horror Records | November 13, 2014

Imagine, if you will, the crustiest Wiccan that you know. She probably smells vaguely of damp earth and weed. Her nails are always dirty, and you wouldn’t be surprised if there was a nest of robins living in her tangled hair. However, one night she invites you over because she’s going to do this super rad ritual and totally open your mind. So you go over to her grimy studio that smells vaguely of cat urine, prepared for a whole lot of bluster. However, the ritual itself ends up being totally righteous, and now you feel completely liberated from your Earthly shackles. Hands of Orlac is that band, and Figli del Crepuscolo is that ritual. Smoke this jam over at Bandcamp. — W.

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Snakefeast – The Pythoness
Grimoire Records | January 6, 2015

Speaking of that rad Wiccan lady, it turns out she has an awesome friend who’s really into snakes. This lady lives down by the swamp in a tent because she wants to commune with the creepies and crawlies and learn from their ways. And whatever it is that she’s doing is somehow totally working. Snakefeast bring a fat, fuzzy form of sludge clogged with mud and decaying skin. Thick, beefy bass tones lead the attack over anguished, primal growls that may or may not have been recorded inside an alligator’s throat. This pythoness sounds like she stole Radiation Blackbody‘s secret formula for a gravity-altering serum, accidentally spilled that serum into a bog, ate a water moccasin that had ingested the serum, and totally freaked out in a psychotropic experience, somehow birthing a man-reptile hybrid in the process. That hybrid then went on to write this album. Gnarly. Shed your skin over at Bandcamp. — W.

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