Mini Reviews from Around the Toilet Bowl XVIII: Mini-Reviews in Haiku

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While it may be true that semi-beloved Toilet ov Hell writer Guacamole Jim doesn’t tend to write about metal, we keep him around because he has a pretty nice butt, which we have seen in its bare entirety. He’s also proven his worth in other way(s), including (but maybe limited to) his idea to run mini-reviews as a series of haikus. He thought of this all on his own, and I cannot stress enough how much Christian had nothing to do with it.

 

DHDeathhammer – Evil Power
Hells Headbangers | June 16, 2015

My buttfever breaks
After a postponed release
Thrash that’s worth the wait

— Masterlord

__________________

NKNekromanteion – Cosmic Horrors [EP]
Iron Bonehead | June 19, 2015

I have one question
Do you enjoy Pseudogod?
If yes, you might dig

— Masterlord

__________________

ABRAugust Burns Red – Found in Far Away Places
Who cares lol Productions | Who cares lol, 2015

This is still a band?
Hahahahahahaha
Hahahahaha

— Masterlord

__________________

Deiphago Into the Eye of Satan
Hells Headbangers | August 7th, 2015

Filth and destruction
Maybe a little more grind?
I guess it’s early

— Christian

__________________

Jute Gyte - Ship of Theseus - coverJute GyteShip of Theseus
Jeshimoth Entertainment | June 1st, 2015

Double canons? Fuck
All delectably dirty
Grime you know I love

— Christian

__________________

coverPeste NoireLa Chaise-Dyable
La Mesnie Herlequin | April 28th, 2015

Not the best people
But the music is rill good
Sounds like chicken sex

— Christian

__________________

Skinless | Skinless
Relapse Records | June 2, 2015

Rebirth into flesh
The flayers bring the riffage
Gift for house Bolton

W.

__________________

PrionUncertain Process
Comatose Music | June 2, 2015

Deadly protein type
Breeds vi’lent, jammable death
Your brain bleeds and bangs

— W.

__________________

Mare InfinitumAlien Monolith God
Solitude Prod. | April 21, 2015

He is dead but dreams
A doomy pagan off’ring
Rise, O Great Old One

— W.

__________________

ashofcedarsAsh of Cedars | Ash of Cedars
Handshake, Inc. | June 30th, 2015

Black metal EP
With a Southern Gothic twist
Handshake can not lose

— Edward

__________________

Will Haven – Open The Mind To Discomfort
Artery Recordings | May 19th, 2015

Hardcore band maybe
Sludge industrial parts too
Crushes dicks in two

— Ron Deuce

__________________

SGNLS - II

SGNLS | II
FDH Records | November 25, 2014

What the hell is this?
So eerie but so fresh. Well,
it’s a spooky groove.

— HessianHunter

__________________

Abrahma Reflections In The Bowels Of A Bird
Small Stone Records | May 12th, 2015

Colours seep and flow
Time itself will seem to slow
Drink the cover art

– Lacertilian

__________________

Discourse Sanity Decays
Closed Casket Activities | January 27th, 2015

Meat and potatoes
Drums and bass sound good as fuck
Mosh mosh mosh mosh mosh

– Joe Thrashnkill

__________________

Coathanger Abortion Observations of Humanity
Comatose Music | April 17th, 2015

This album is aight.
I mean – it’s not like, awesome.
But it’s aight I guess.

– Joe Thrashnkill

__________________

Big Moe City of Syrup
Wreckshop | July 18th, 2000

All I want to do
Is bang Screw in the dirty
Third. City of Syrup.

– Joe Thrasnkill

  • Look at the masterloaf reviewing metalcore records that aren’t even out.

    • The W.

      This would have been more insulting in haiku form.

      • Last time he tried a haiku it was catastrophic.

      • It probably would.
        There’s a problem though.
        Fuck poetry.

        • And wrong again.

          • Yes I know.
            I am wrong.
            Doing it on purpose.

          • I don’t believe you
            I don’t believe you at all
            I don’t believe you

          • lol
            lol
            Archspire

          • Do you not trust me?
            Why do you not trust me?
            What the fuck broski?

          • Goddammit. Just Google how to write a haiku.

          • Might wanna Google “what is a syllable” first.

          • I already know how to write haikus, I just enjoy irritating people with bad ones because I hate poetry. 5-7-5

        • The W.

          Ladies like poetry, though. Walt Whitman: ladykiller.

          • I had an awful experience on a poetry project with a junior high teacher who was a raging bitch. I have hated it with a passion ever since.

          • FUKKBEARD

            P sure Walt Whitman was homosexual

          • The W.

            I was honestly just trying to make a ridiculous example as someone you wouldn’t actually think banged a lot of women.

          • Too bad axl isn’t a poet i guess

    • That’s the most in depth review of the bunch.

  • M Shadows!

    What is this I see?
    It’s a loofah in the wild!
    M Shadows oh yea!

  • Guacamole Jim

    I can’t believe I forgot to write a review for this. Fuck I am the dumbest.

    http://i.imgur.com/PLfIG6L.jpg

  • Disgustache

    We’re looking down on Wayne’s basement
    Only that’s not Wayne’s basement
    Isn’t that weird?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNcSKUQPjTg

    • Tyree

      That is weird.

  • That Discourse album is legit if you like Turmoil. One of my favorite albums of the year.

  • Tyree

    Deathhammer: Fuck yes! SATAN IS BACK!!!
    Nekromanteion: Want to hear.
    August Burns Red: Fuck off.
    Deiphago: Savagery!
    Jute Gyte: Christian metal.
    Peste Noire: No audio.
    Skinless: Glad I skipped them at MDF.
    Prion: Not bad. Production is a bit too condensed.
    Mare Infinitum: Meh.
    Ash of Cedars: No audio.
    Will Haven: Same label as Attila. Pass.
    SGNLS: Kinda cool.
    Abrahma: Eh.
    Discourse: Core-bore
    Coathanger Abortion: Pass
    Big Moe: No.

    • I’ll back Peste Noir for Christian. Album is good and weird.

      • The W.

        I’ll back Jute Gyte. Had it on rotation for quite a while.

        • Guacamole Jim

          Jute Gyte is the bees’ pyjamas.

          • The W.

            Like two souls as one
            We share many an int’rest
            Like the butt of dicks

            http://i.imgur.com/QGfrwPo.gif

          • Pretentious is Kvlt O)))

            Wait, is that Ted Cruz?

          • The W.

            Now that you mention it…

          • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

            lol dickbutt.
            His buttox shaped like a dick.
            Dickbutt lol.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Peste Noire keeps popping up on mah shitty-people list but never checked why.
        Nazis?

        • Their first demo was called Aryan Supremacy and Famine routinely says some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Yeah but are they now? I’ve tried to translate a few lyrics and never met anything bad. Is it just old/irrelevant reputation?

          • Stanley
          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Even more confusing. A mixture of criticism anf starry-eyed fascination with a lot of trolling.

          • The W.

            Some of those quotes are pretty outrageous. I still can’t tell.

    • Edward/Breegrodamus™

      Ash of Cedars is good. I got the advance for it but definitely give it a listen when it hits the BC.

  • 🙁

  • look Vince made the bowl!

  • Spear

    Like a moth to flame,
    I am drawn to new Skinless
    It goes fucking hard

    • The W.

      On repeated jam
      It rocked my car for a month
      I have no skin left

      • Disgustache

        Remember your name, Reek
        You are no longer Theon
        My pet is what you are

        • The W.

          Reek Reek, rhymes with sneak
          Broken man, hollowed, empty husk
          Theon will avenge

        • Edward/Breegrodamus™

          Lol isn’t “remember your name, Reek” six syllables?

          • officer Ed’s back in town!

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™

            I was only on for a short time during my lunch break!

          • Disgustache

            I think so, but then again I’m not Robert Frost.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™

            touché

      • Spear

        To my great surprise
        They carried it at Best Buy
        Sometimes, they’re alright

        • Do y’all remember
          Incredible Universe?
          place was pretty rad.

          • Spear

            Never had one here,
            But once we had a DJ’s
            They were p legit

          • The W.

            Unrelated, but
            Babbages was a tight store
            Down with vile Game Stop

          • Spear

            I decided to
            Just stop buying the vidya
            Not enough spare time

          • The W.

            For this decision
            Likely few regrets you’ll have
            A time suck, they are

          • Spear

            No doubt about it;
            Productivity is a
            Thing that I have lacked

          • Ha that is nonsense
            Witcher only 80 hours……
            Yea you’re mostly right

      • Beefhammer McPubies XIVIII

        Hurdling the weak
        Trampling the dead
        Skinless exploded W.’s head

  • great article, guise
    10 of 10, would read again
    five finger death punch

  • Stanley

    Are all mini re-
    views going to be like this?
    I fucking hope not.

    • Prob cuz you cannot
      haiku without splitting words
      on a new line. Scrub.

      • haha and you thought
        that i was bad at haikus
        but look at this foo

        • I’m so proud of you
          for writing a legit poem
          finally! Good job.

      • Spear

        Look at Joe getting
        Violent in the comments.
        Tiny-handed rage

      • Stanley

        Splitting words is frowned upon but dropping syllables and making up words is acceptable. Pfft.

    • Tyree

      More metal.

      Less reading.

      No problem.

  • Dagon

    All I gots to say is Big Moe >>>>>>>>>

    That Will Haven has been on my Spotify recommendations for a while and I haven’t checked it out yet.

    • Tyree
      • Dagon

        Classic.

      • KJM

        “He was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time!!!”

        • Tyree

          “Sonofabitch! Do you know who I am? I’m Moe Greene! I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders! “

    • You might like Will Haven. Sounds like if the Refused and Helmet did an industrial hardcore band.

      • Dagon

        You just moved it up the queue a bit.

  • Beefhammer McPubies XIVIII

    LMAO @ City Of Syrup. A whole CD dedicated to hustlin’ that siezure-inducing cough medicine, yo! At first I thought it was a Canadian rapping about hustlin’ that sweet sweet tree sap.

    Sticky sap from tree
    I rich from sticky syrup
    Cannot get off my fingers

  • FUKKBEARD

    I applaud W’s use of contractions

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Still a little confused about how you divide a word into syllables in English. Starting to get the hang of it, but…

    • The W.

      It gets even trickier when you consider there are hard syllables and soft syllables.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        The effect of them is what? How do they affect creating a Haiku?
        In Finnish, only very few words are one syllable and for me the construcrion is far more logical than im English.
        I remember once trying to deconstruct a sentence and my teacher told me I had all the syllables wrong 🙁

        • The W.

          The type of syllable affects the meter of a poem. It matters in things like limericks, but honestly it’s a whole lot of complexity that doesn’t really matter a ton unless you’re trying to follow a very specific metrical foot.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            I recall something like this from school-days but I think in Finnish it doesn’t at least affect the way a Haiku is built, not the very basics at least… other kind of poetry is another thing then.

          • The W.

            Remember too that haikus were originally Japanese, so us using syllables in English is a bit different from the original form as well.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Naturally. But I did assume that was given…

        • Try to think of syllables as the amount of sounds you need to enunciate to make a word. So like Archspire is two syllables Arch-spire whereas something like Behemoth is 3 Be-he-moth. Idk if that helps.

          • Shrimp in a Pizza Box™

            In Italian they can never have more than 1 vowel, don’t know if that’s true for other languages

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Not all words break that easily for me. Those were very easy, not sure if you’re trying ta yank mah crank.

          • Just trying to help, honest.

          • The W.

            It gets weirder with words ending in things like “ed” or some other syllables that people pronounce differently.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            I was looking at some of MasterButts’ haikus the other day and kept counting nine syllables and stuff. After a while I got it and was like “really, one syllable?”

        • KJM

          Maybe thinking of it as beats and rhythm might help?

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            I doubt because the problem is Finnish being divided into syllables a little different.

      • Beefhammer McPubies XIVIII
    • FUKKBEARD

      This can actually be kind of tricky in engrish

    • I started trying to explain it, but then realized it was actually more complicated to teach than it seems.

  • Edward/Breegrodamus™

    Ron Deuce wins.

  • Edward/Breegrodamus™

    Isn’t “third city of syrup” six syllables?

  • I own all 6 of August Burns Red albums.

    #Toiletconfessions

    I am fairly confident Ann is a fan, too. So eat it!!!

    GL

  • Tyree

    How much wood could a woodchuck chuck
    If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
    As much wood as a woodchuck could chuck,
    If a woodchuck could chuck wood.

  • Seth Putnam

    Sometimes your farts smell
    Like K.Y. and full blown AIDS
    Because you are gay.

  • Scrimm

    Poetry<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

    • Shrimp in a Pizza Box™

      Poetry less than
      Poetry less than less than
      Poetry less than.

  • OldMetalHead

    If mini-reviews around the toilet bowl wasn’t already my favorite column on TOVH, it definitely would be now. Well done.

  • Peste Noire is still pretty good but used to be much better.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKsKik48Bpo

    • Lacertilian

      Some of this is great,
      Some of this is terrible.
      Lacked syllable.

  • God

    Lindemann came out
    A song called golden shower
    What the fucking hell

    Sums up the album nicely.

  • Phoenix of the House Tendies

    Joe got lazy there.
    I know u Hardcore but plz
    Needs more spin kick lulz.

  • Phoenix of the House Tendies

    Deathhammer goes hard.
    Bout damn time Hells Headbangers
    Murderdeathmosh NOW.

  • Stockhausen

    These were so awesome
    Truly, we should repeat this
    August Burns Red sucks

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™