Mini-Reviews from Around the Toilet Bowl XV

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I get it. You have a teeny-tiny brain and it just can’t process a whole lot of information at the same time, but you still want to know the what’s what about new music. We’re here to help.

 

vVardan – Winter Woods
Moribund Records | July 10, 2015

Having been heretofore unfamiliar with Vardan, my primary suspicion was whether or not it’s possible for one dude to churn out quality in addition to insanely excessive quantity – 12(!) full-length albums over the course of 3 friggin’ years. I can’t vouch for his back catalogue, but I can vouch for this’n here. Winter Woods is an exercise in slow-going, minimalist DSBM, and it seems Mr. Vardan has more than enough depression to go around. My brother, unversed in black metal, dropped by while I had this turned up, walked through the door uninvited as he is wont to do, and said, “Dude, this is sad music. It’s ruining my day. I was having a good one, too. Turn it off.” I didn’t, and he just walked out, his puny bitch-heart having been crushed in a mere instant. Unfortunately Moributthole Records doesn’t have a single song streaming for the customers listening pleasure, so you’ll have to take my word for it. If misery is your cup o’ tea, put this on your list for later. — Masterlord

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prurientfrozenniagarafallscoverPrurient | Frozen Niagara Falls
Profound Lore Records | May 12th, 2015

I’ll be the first to tell you – I am a Prurient fan. I’ve followed Dominick Fernow’s work for several years and I have covered him on this very site. His newest album, Frozen Niagara Falls, has been billed as a career spanning, defining work; a 90 minute magnum opus; a “masterpiece“. Each sound Fernow explores on Frozen Niagara Falls is cut from an older work and watered down. The first track “Myth Of Building Bridges” is just a weaker version of Cocaine Death. “Dragonflies to Sew You Up” wanders into Bermuda Drain / Through The Window territory, but it, too, is far less interesting than those efforts. The screeching on “A Sorrow With A Braid” and “Traditional Snowfall” was more offensive on Black Vase. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Frozen Niagara Falls is not an intense, entrancing, or cryptic album. The extensive run time makes it a slog to sit through. I listened to Frozen Niagara Falls, in its entirety, so you wouldn’t have to. — Edward

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a3006156855_10Doom Snake Cult – Love Sorrow Doom
Nuclear War Now!
 | May 20th

Most people believe that Doom Snake Cult are the post-Goatlord project of frontman Ace Still. Most people are wrong. Love Sorrow Doom was recorded in 1990, before the first Goatlord full-length came to fruition. The music in this LP is not hard to describe, but it’s definitely hard to “tag”. Picture the classic Tom G. Warrior guitar tone being employed in a doomier setting, followed by blackened vocals and a bipolar rhythm section that will either play deep Sabbathian grooves or degenerate into something much, much filthier. Got it? Now sprinkle bad acid trip vibes all over and that’s what LSD sounds like. What it feels like is a huge, pitch black tongue drenched in saliva slithering in and out of your earholes. Slowly. NWN! Productions are reissuing this classic, so this is your chance to either pop your blackened tongue cherry or relive this delightful experience. — Dagon

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Magic Kingdom | Savage Requiem
AFM Records | March 20, 2015

Alright, lesser soldiers! It’s time to instruct you once again in the ways of the fantasy-themed power metal genre. Here we have the fellow warriors of Magic Kingdom, hailing from Belgium with their thunderous sounds. The album is a blend of Italian comrades Rhapsody of Fire fantastical lyrical content and shredding, but with the riffing sensibilities of the German scene. For the entire duration of the record you will hear face ripping speed anthems and mighty choruses to raise your sword and crush your enemies to… I recommend this record because it’s very fun! Listen to: “With Fire and Sword” — Link Leonhart

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Lustre | Blossom/Phantom    steelfest
Nordvis Produktion | April 24th

Lustre is an ambient black metal project of Henrik Sunding. Blossom is it’s fifth full-length album, and Phantom is a previously unreleased EP accompanying the limited edition release. In honesty, blue metal would be far more appropriate, as the fuzzed out reverb of the guitars and the distant growls have always been secondary to the keyboards, the synths, and especially the feels. Nachtzeit has always evoked pictures of nightside nature and spiritual mysticism with a perfect approach. Blossom continues on this same path; the songs are very simple and mostly composed of few repeating parts over 5 to 10 minutes. An accessible album, but not for everyone. Personally, I’ve always used Lustre’s music as hiking music; perfect to be experienced atop the hill, looking at the silent waters as you feel your existence draining into the fabric of the ever-expanding nothingness. — Karhu

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Genocide Shrines Manipura Imperial Deathevokovil (Scriptures Of Reversed Puraana Dharmurder)
Vault of Dried Bones | April 18th, 2015

So what’s the best way to achieve enlightenment and to become one with the universe, toileteers? By obliterating everything through ritual violence and purifying carnage. This is the coda for Sri Lanka quartet Genocide Shrines. Coming out of nowhere with their especially grisly yet spiritually motivated take on ominous black/death metal, their EP Devanation Momentutemples was one of my favorite releases of 2012, and now they are poised to kill even the gods with this full length. Opening track “Militant Thrishul (Eradiction Puja)” comes barreling in like a Tinneman Square tank at a college student and the results are just as bloody. The album maintains this bone shattering audio path wrapped in a stellar mix that sounds equal parts Flavor Flav level dirty and Moria level vast. The three Pillar tracks offer a much needed breather from the onslaught and add a bit of war-torn locale flavor so to speak to the proceedings. This beast is already quite high on my top list of metal records this year, and the other bands whose releases I’m looking forward to (looking at you Orator) have a lot of work to do to meet the standards set by this release. Simon says don’t fucking sleep on this one. P.S.: “Ethnoheretical Padmavyuha Consecration” has one of the catchiest main riffs you will ever hear on a “war metal” record. Facts. — Simon Phoenix

TagsVardan
  • Genocide Shrines, ooh! I was trying to remember that one because the preview posted on the FB group sounded kickass. But here it is now.

  • Disgustache

    I think that Doom Snake Cult album just buried me 8 fucking feet under the earth. At least I still have my perm and permed chest hair in the afterlife.

    • Dagon

      Vile!

  • Tyree

    Genocide Shrines = WAR!!!

    Top 10 material for me this year. Total death!

    http://www.bullshift.net/data/images/2013/09/preadtor-minigun-rampage-o.gif

    • Tyree,

      They are HEAVY. I am totally digging this.

      GL

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      thats all I need to hear..ON IT!

  • Tyree

    And once again, Masterlord has no sample of music for the band he reviewed. Thanks!

    http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Youre-Killing-Me-Smalls-The-Sandlot.gif

  • I’m digging this Lustre, Beargod. This is what I needed. Depressing music to feel depressed of nature and landscapes I will never see because I live in a hole 😀

    • That’s a paddlin’

      Glad you dig it. For me it’s perfect because I do get to experience the landscapes and it amplifies the feeling I get.

      • Rub it in our faces, why don’t you . . .

        • That’s a paddlin’

          Since you asked so nicely…

          • …still waiting for the rub…what, are you on Fin-Time or something?…

          • That’s a paddlin’

            HueHue.
            That last part, is real. Climbing to a hilltop/mountain on a night and gazing towards the sea is a MAGNIFICIENT view.

      • Sir Tapir the Based

        Ah yes, the Helsinki landscapes. Cars and people pissing on the sidewalks. Fucking glorious.

        • That’s a paddlin’

          *doesn’t live in Helsinki*
          The forests of Vantaa and the täyttömäki of Vuosaari are pretty fucking glorious tho.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            (‘Twas a joke)

          • That’s a paddlin’

            *Understood, replied anyways*

  • I was really feeling that Magic Kingdom tune until the vocals 🙁 Eric Adams needs to put foot to ass on some of these nasally terrible PM singers.

  • Poseur Diposeur

    Hey dudes, I got some long shifts in a dish pit and I would appreciate some recommendations on brutal jams that go well in a soggy dungeon-like environment. Thanks

    • Genocide Shrines for sure!

      • Poseur Diposeur

        Just jammed the first three tunes. I have been rocked so hard I’m afraid I might be missing a kidney

        • The presentation/tone is unreal. I have been “wowed”!

          GL

      • it’s rill gud. shares some aspects with GL-approved Portal!

    • Disgustache

      Maybe not as brootal as you’re looking for, but the Sword is my go to for pretty much any situation, ese.

      If you want brootal, I’ve been really enjoying getting my ear hole savaged by Skeletonwitch lately. Good ones for when the kitchen is in the weeds and you need to churn out clean plates and cutlery faster than that lady on TLC makes babies.

      • I got this because I’ve saw that channel!

      • Howard Dean

        *Faster than that lady on TLC’s oldest son sexually molests his siblings.

        FTFY

  • Tyree

    Doom Snake Cult is some nasty shit Dagon!

    • Dagon

      Like their facebook page, lots of cool pictures of them stoned to death in the 90s. Cool memorabilia.

  • Dagon

    Simon Phoenix wins this round. Shit is crazy.

  • The W.

    Dang, this Genocide Shrines album goes pretty dang hard. That song with the sex noises is uncomfortable, but based on the title, I think that’s what they were going for.

  • That’s a paddlin’

    Ed didn’t like the new Prurient huh?

    • It stank.

    • Dagon

      Anthony Pantano loved it.

      • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

        YOU DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT MAN. YOU DO NOT SPEAK HIS NAME.

        • Sir Tapir the Based

          YOUTONY DONOTSPEAKTANO HERE

          • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

            I have nothing against him, he’s just doing his thing, but I wish he would kindly fuck off. The world needs more “I liked this album a lot, you should check it out”, less “this was good, but this, this, and this was meh. I wish it was like their album [x]”.

            Like here, if someone is passionate about a record, I’m definitely checking out that son’a bitch, but if they give a semi-elaborate dissection of each song in a very neutral angle, I’m less likely to check it out. It boils down to “did you like it, or not?” kind of a thing. I hate his fence straddling.

            TL;DR: sorry, had a coffee now I’m hyper as fuck. Much verbal diarrhea to be spattered about.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            I find myself disagreeing with him a lot, but I like him. I hope he can save Cal.

          • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

            I mean, I’m glad he makes people interested in discussing music, but I just don’t like how it has turned everyone into wannabe music snobs.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            I love when he gives popular rap albums low scores and people bitch about it. There’s so much salt in the comments.

          • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

            That’s another reason. As he even says, it’s his opinion. I think his fantanos are the reason I get irritated.

          • I think he’s just burnt out. He used to be a lot less nitpicky, a lot more gung-ho. Or at least that’s how I remember the early days . . .

            My biggest gripe with him is that he doesn’t take many risks anymore in reviewing lower key releases. You can basically look at a list of what’s coming out this year and guess what he’s going to review. (Or else I’m just sore that he never reviews metal albums I actually WANT to hear him talk about . . .)

          • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

            Totes agree. His Limp Bizkit review got me to watch him and some of his other reviews (Ulcerate) were interesting views, but I think he’s such a fan with music and likes so much stuff he has option paralysis, can’t decide, and just goes with the release he knows will get people talking.

          • Yeah, sadly at this point in his career he sort of has to play to his audience for fear of alienating them and losing whatever funding he has . . . Money fucks everything in the face.

      • That’s a paddlin’

        I don’t know whether I agree or disagree with him more.

      • Howard Dean

        ANTHONY FANTANO RIDES A HOVEROUND

        • Tyree

          I support this message.

          • Howard Dean

            Listening to him review metal albums makes one wish they had been in the backseat of that taxi with John Nash.

            I watched a couple of his videos once and wanted to give up on life.

        • Dagon

          He does have the best name for puns. Anthony Flametano. Slamtano. Anything goes good with -tano suffix.

    • Edward/Breegrodamus™

      Correctamundo. I tried listening to it once when I got the promo for it right away, it was late, didn’t get into it, didn’t finish it. I wasn’t ever excited about it, but finally got through it to write that little mini for this site. I just feel like he’s done everything before but it was better before.

      • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

        Glad I’m not the only one underwhelmed. The hype machine has been rolling hard for this album but I’ll be damned if out of 90 minutes of run time there’s maybe 15 minutes of decent material.

        • Edward/Breegrodamus™

          I edited my mini a little bit, I had three links in there that all declared it a masterpiece! What on Earth. My favorite track was “Falling Mask”, which was too short and by that point I was already so disenchanted and bored.

      • That’s a paddlin’

        Pretty much so it seems from what I have heard. It’s an easy-accessibility album from noises most easily accessible artist.

  • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

    In other news, Till from Rammstein has lost his goddamn mind. This is the best song ever. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWE_M0CX9So

    • That’s a paddlin’

      This is actually very fun.

      • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

        It is. Catchy, satirical, disturbing, all while being a fun-ass rock song.

  • Howard Dean

    Bought that Doom Snake Cult CD reissue from NWN! a few weeks ago. Awesome stuff. Really glad stuff like that gets reissued.

  • Whooooa, Genocide Shrines. Me likey.

  • Sadistikexekution

    Very trve, very kvlt, very nekro.

  • Hot Squirt Of Best Korea Love

    Definitely checking out the new Magic Kingdom! Power merol >>>>>>>>> everything!

    • …still waiting for someone to correct the direction of those arrows for you…

      • Hot Squirt Of Best Korea Love

        Oh, they are correct. Oh so very correct!

        Power metal >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> grindcore

        • As a nonfan of grindcore, I can’t exactly argue. But I feel like arguing anyway because Power Metal is so motherfucking atrocious.

          • Hot Squirt Of Best Korea Love

            Oh, we’ll win you over one day, you just watch! Here, take some of this Colombian Dragon’s Breath and think it over.

  • InfinityOfThoughts

    I gotta say going from listening to The Crown’s Deathrace King to Lustre was not a good idea…totally killed my mood. Now I have the feels 🙁

  • This Lustre thing is pushing all the right buttons for me at the moment.
    Which is weird, because on paper it shouldn’t. Thanks Nordling Rites of etc.

    • Hot Squirt Of Best Korea Love

      I like it. It has a slow burn and slow built up kind feel.

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

    “Personally, I’ve always used Lustre’s music as hiking music; perfect to be experienced atop the hill, looking at the silent waters as you feel your existence draining into the fabric of the ever-expanding nothingness.”

    I never wanted to walk hand-in-hand with a dude through the woods…until now.

    http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhnlmwPeRU1qb7ctl.gif

  • Óðhinn

    That Magic Kingdom song is shit.