Mini-Reviews from Around the Toilet Bowl: 9-16-15


We keep reviews short, sweet, and to the point, so you can spend more time with your thumb up your butt.


wbWitch Blade – Witch Blade
Swords & Chains Records | June 1, 2015

The versed know pretty much exactly what they’re going to get when the word “witch” is placed in front of the word “blade” — some speed metal, yo. This group of lads throw themselves onto one of the many towering heaps of young traditional heavy metal devotees you’re likely to see in tidy piles all over Sweden with Oskuldernas eld, their full-length debut. The one thing you need to know is the only thing that matters — these youngins provide the riffs and provide them well. Each song has its share of acceptably rollicking bangers, and a few very exceptional licks await anyone willing to give the album a full listen. The vocals (delivered completely in Swedish) are inoffensive, but it’s the guitarwork that inspires the raising of the fist. Recommended. Listen to “Witch Blade (Häxsvärd)“. — Masterlord


10169384_260174994154344_5822585503672507856_nMaïeutiste – s/t
Les Acteurs de l’Ombre ProductionsSeptember 19th

To anyone who’s not a huge nerd, long songs and albums can be daunting. Since I’m only slightly a huge nerd, I was hesitant but not unwilling to dive into all 76 minutes of Maieutiste’s self-titled debut on Les Acteurs de l’Ombre Productions. The commitment was well worth it. This is black metal on a grandest of stages, complete with death metal cameos, well-timed moments of eerie stillness, superbly fluid transitional moments, and undeniable creativity. From the cinematic fury of “The Fall” to the headbanging groove of “Death to Socrates,” and the shadowy sauntering of “Absolution” to the jaunting limp of “Death to Free Thinkers,” this album is a complete package that will always offer new things to discover and new ways to inspire. While the styles themselves are quite different, I can’t help but think of the dense, grandiose gestures of Dodecahedron. Get your physical on September 19th here, or get the digital copy here. — Stockhausen


Repulsive Dissection – Church of the Five Precious Wounds
Sevared Records | October 1, 2015

Another mini-review set, another brutal death metal release for me to discuss. BDM is often the last place a listener would expect to find experimentation, but here we find an unorthodox approach to slamming that transcends expectations. This is a new gospel of brutal death metal, born from the discontent of the skronky slums and baptized in the conviction of cleansing songsmanship. The message, then, is one of conviction; the band delivers its divine proclamation with guttural tongues that unleash judgment and wrath in the form of recursive, syncopated riffs and illuminating licks. The jazzy interludes and condemning samples leave room for still moments of tense reflection before the brutal harangue continues. Bow before the new revelation in “Apostasy”. — W.


Crown – Natron
Candlelight Records | August 21, 2015

Electronics and industrial effects in metal are mere distractions more often than not. However, rare bands do come along every millennium or so that are capable of so effectively intertwining industrial groove with punishing extreme metal that listeners are compelled to take notice. On Natron, the band seems to be drawing ever closer to the hallowed ranks of Godflesh, The Amenta, and Anaal Nathrakh. By infusing impossibly heavy sludge with a tasteful splash of drum effects and distortion, the band effuses an effective muck that lulls you into submission and calmly, patiently drowns you in the mire. The key here to making an impressively heavy album is the delicate balance between the metal and the not-metal, with this album using the effects solely to enhance the already dense guitar chords. A slight repetitiveness in the riffs that makes the album feel longer than it is is my only complaint. — W.


Cryptic HymnGateways [EP]
Independent | September 8th, 2015

Last week Cryptic Hymn released their debut EP titled Gateways and it seems to have slipped through even This Toilet Tuesday‘s fine net. Hailing from Kentucky, Cryptic Hymn play a refined combination of melodic death metal with some blackened influence. While I’ve only had the chance to listen to this release a couple of times through, what’s immediately noticeable is the solid musicianship on display here. Whilst clearly possessing the ability to play with a certain level of virtuosity, they show a very welcome level of restraint and allow the songwriting to take the reins. A couple of excellent quieter passages introduce a dynamic which is often sorely lacking in this style of metal. The vocals are similar to those of Trevor Strnad in parts, although they tend to sit between the extremes of his shrieking and gutterals for the most part. Gateways is a tight debut from a band showing prudence and promise. – Lacertilian


slowSlow – Unsleep
Black Plague Records | April 13, 2014

Unsleep is a one-off funeral doom project from Markov Soroka, the mastermind behind AureoleSlow‘s music is meant to invoke the sensation of drowning, and it succeeds in every way. Every note on this record is slightly warped, like opaque light bending under the water’s surface. The guitar leads sound like a busted accordion, and the vocals are slightly gurgled, as if Soroka has a mouthful of water. The mournful heaviness is the crushing pressure of unsurvivable depths. Unsleep is at once the hopelessness and euphoria of letting the water rush deep into your lungs. Drown in the abyss here. — Celtic Frosty


AHABThe Boats of Glen Carrigahab
Napalm Records | 28th Aug 2015

AHAB made a fantastic funeral doom album with The Call of The Wretched Sea. On their third album, they started to sail away from those funeral-filled waters and The Boats of Glen Carrig is taking the foursome even further away. I think AHAB knew what kind of an album they wanted to make with The Giant, but couldn’t let go of their past and fell flat. They’re a whole lot closer to making that album with this one. — Nordling Rites ov Karhu


Les Discrets Live at Roadburn
Prophecy | May 5th, 2015

To ease the anxiety of the waiting for their next full-length, French melancholic masters Les Discrets share with us a full concert at the Roadburn Festival in 2013. Songs from both records were performed, aided by Alcest members Winterhalter, Neige, and Zero. The recording sounds full and the music surrounds the space without hardship; the band was very committed to enveloping the audience with their post-metal palettes; every note reflects their dedication. This album brings the first era of the band to a close. Since Fursy revived the project, we will have to wait to see what they’re preparing behind the autumnal curtain. – Link Leonhart



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    *my wife has about had it with me singing these lyrics*


  • Scrimm


  • Witch-Ripped KJM

    Witch Blade >>>>

  • Celtic Frosty

    That Repulsive Dissection album is killer. October 1st will be a red day.

    • Dagon

      On queue. Red as in the color of the account balance after the 1st?

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    I think I might have needed to mention that AHAB-review was a work heavily in progress, oh bother.

  • Dagon

    Maieutiste is blowing a cool, blackened gush of wind on my ding-a-ling.

    Another point for Les Acteurs.

    • Dagon

      There is a Randy Rhoads sounding solo on top of blast beats at the middle of the second preview song. That shit sells itself.

      • Witch-Ripped KJM

        Every time the name of Randy Rhoads is invoked, a poser dies screaming.

        • Pingu

          But I’m still alive!

      • Stagnant.

        RIGHT@!? I wonder what Kerry King’s reaction would be if he heard that, as he has not done solos to compete with that in decades.

    • Stockhausen

      Right? That album is super long, but hot dangin’ good.

    • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

      Your ding a ling? (kinda NSFW)

  • Vote for Jeb

    I only listened to that Ahab album once because it really bored me :/

    • FYI the Cryptic Hymn band link takes you to the Orchid facebook page.

      • Vote for Jeb

        Weird. Uh, lemme check that.

      • Vote for Jeb

        Looks like someone goofed, and I’m letting that buck roll all the way downhill.

      • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth
      • Lacertilian

        Sorry Ann, I will take full blame for this. I was drunk short on time.

    • Celtic Frosty

      Unsleep is the better doom album in this post. But I’m biased.

    • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

      Ahab aren’t terrible but I couldn’t get past 2 songs on their first CD without getting bored to tears.

  • Here’s the Witch Blade album in full, because the link shared by Mastersocks only had one song.

  • Digging Crown a lot more than I expected. Album artwork for it fucking rules also.

  • Mother Shabubu 8

    Stockhausen recommends the coolest shit. First Deluge this week, now Maieutiste.

    If you haven’t heard Regarde Les Hommes Tomber yet, I highly recommend them. Very much like a more direct Celeste. Also on the same label! Les Acteurs and Art As Catharsis might be two of the fastest growing labels for their respective scenes.

    • Vote for Jeb

      Ahem, someone else recommended Deluge too.

    • Stagnant.

      I was a bit disappointed with Deluge, it does not have multiple spins in it. Its like a girl you think is really hot when you first see her, than you wake up next to her and see what she actually looks like.

      heathen harvest had a better review, but yeah. I suck. Maieutiste does not though.

  • old_man_doom

    I know the review is supposed to be mini, but can you explain a little further, Karhu? I’m having difficulty enjoying the new Ahab album too; however, I cannot quite put my finger on what’s bothering me. I love many aspects of it (the excellent production, some memorable hooks), but it isn’t getting me off like Ahab usually does.

  • Waynecro

    Maieutiste is pretty swell, and Cryptic Hymn boosted my testosterone levels without the scrotal application of testosterone gels!

    • Stagnant.

      Listen to Maieutiste again, it demands multiple listens to go from “pretty swell” to best thing in decades.

  • Sgt. Poopypanty’s Fartin Teeth

    Might have to check out Les Discrets, considering how much I love Alcest.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Fun fact: our TOH shirt artist did the artwork for Cryptic Hymn. Fun! So much fun.

  • Stagnant.

    Maïeutiste is the best thing to happen in Black Metal for a long time, sure puts all the trendy nonsense to shame. I actually believe this is a modern classic, glad to see others are hyped about it too. Those riffs, and those solos, holy shit.