Metal-Themed Costumes To Win Halloween

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Because the internet has determined that Halloween is a contest, despite no rules or prizes given out.

Phil Labonte-Ayn Rand Couples Costume

labonteaynrand

This one is for you and your sweetie. One of you can be everyone’s favorite free market-loving, shitty book-writing, dumpster fire of a human being who appeals mostly to 20-something males that have taken an econ class at the local community college. The other can be some guy with nipple rings that loves guns and really wanted to be in Killswitch Engage, but failed badly, and continued on with his butt-rock autotune band. Together, you can make lots of people feel uncomfortable with your gross make-out sessions and seething hatred of feminists. Don’t forget your pocket Constitutions!

Earache Records’ one true love, Blackberry Smoke Couples Costume

blackberryearache

Here’s another couples costume. Break out your hippie wig, button up your nicest all-natural silk shirt, and sprinkle on some patchouli. When people ask what you’re supposed to be, have a friend wear a “Hi I’m Earache Records” sticker and praise you as the new greatest Southern rock band of all time. Then you can each take a classic metal album from Earache’s catalog and proceed to wipe your ass with it.

Sexy Metallica

larstable

You’re going to be the bell of the ball with this little ensemble. All you need is a sturdy table and a picture of everyone’s favorite drumming troll, Lars Ulrich. Just be cautious when going through doorways and if you need any drum fills. Make sure to yell “GIMME FOOL, GIMME FIYAH, GIMME YABBADABBADO!” to hammer home that you’re a Metallica costume.

Tim Lambesis, Prisoner #24601

lambesis

This one should be easy. Just get a prisoner jump suit, look really really sad, clutch a bible, and have backne from using steroids. Don’t use steroids? Have a friend slather your back in strawberry jam. Or just have them use a red pen to draw some dots. Get creative with it! [W. – Tim Vantim?]

Rich Uncle Spotify

richunclespotify

Your musician friends will really appreciate this creative costume…right after they’ve finished asking everyone at the party for a ride home. It’s no secret that musicians don’t receive a lot of money from Spotify. When you make notoriously shitty label Victory Records look like a victim, you’re definitely the villain. Who knows? Maybe you’ll hook up with a Sexy Pandora and stream beautiful music together.

Abbathy Perry

Abbathyperry

I’m an Abbathy girl, in an Abbathy world! This costume allows you to be sexy and frostbitten. You can serenade everyone with your mashup renditions of “Sons Of Northern Dark Horse”, “In My Kingdom Hot n Cold,” and “I Kissed A Cryptic Winterstorms”. If you’re handy, you can make a cupcake bra that shoots out goat’s blood.

Taylorgoroth Swift

taylorgorothswift

Are you more of a Team TayTay person than a Team Katy? Well this one’s for you. All you need is a bit of makeup, some hairspray, blood-encrusted leather pants, a stinky black shirt, and a homemade gauntlet. The one problem with this costume is that it’s entirely possible that Gaahl may be wearing this very costume at the party you’re attending. Aaaaawwwkward!

Vinnie Paul’s Chin

VinniePaulChin

Uggghhh….oh god….it’s smells like a mixture of tobacco juice, Frank’s Red Hot Sauce, and stale Milwaukee’s Best. It’s like a yeti cock with mange. Just grab some hair from your local barbershop, roll it around on the floor of Balloons Strip Club, and paste it on your face. Throw Hellyeah cds at people for some serious authenticity.

Five Finger Death Punch Fan

ntz

Step into a life-size Truck Nutz, dip yourself in Monster Energy Drink and yell random military slogans at anyone that comes within a 50 foot radius. This goes well with camo cargo shorts, a trucker hat, and tribal tattoos.

Dave Grohl

davegrohl

Make the entire room blow their load with this crowd-pleaser. Just be a cool motherfucker and you’ll win all the internet points and all the Buzzfeed posts and all the Snapchats and whatever-the-fuck else kids do these days. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Happy Halloween, flushers!

Images VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA

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  • 365, for the first time I wanted to hear something about Katy Perry. Happy Halloween, zombie.

    I would like to dress as a crust for this Halloween. Terrorizing the state and my compadres with a foul odor of cheap alcohol and unwashed clothes.

    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/dd/93/08/dd930873430a41cb5c604e1368592d96.jpg

  • For Halloween, I’d like to be a dog… Permanently. This way human bullshit won’t be an issue anymore. My only major problems would be things like trying to fit my new favorite stick that I found at the park through a doorway. I could live with these kind of issues no problem.

    http://p.fod4.com/p/media/8e626ba361/uXVT9xSBTyed3NcmsjIB_Dog%20Stick%20Door.gif

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    My friend Joe invited me to a Halloween party at my old college because his friends band is performing. I’m going.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    I’m going to get drunk on Halloween.

    • KJM, Shake Zula

      I’ll get high as fuck, like I do most days.

      • BEARD-SPLITTER

        Ill do both and more

        • KJM, Shake Zula

          Oh yeah you will. #FennyLyfe

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            Man, that does sound like a good idea

          • it doesn’t make the pain go away, it just makes you not give a shit about it

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Pretty much. I can do percs, advil, and pot at the same time and still feel pain in my lower back.

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            Wheres that #musclerelaxerlyfe

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            In 2008 I was hit by a cab while riding my bike. I flipped over my handlebars and landed hard on my tailbone, fracturing it.

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            Puts a new meaning to butthurt

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Literal butthurt. I didn’t even feel it until 15 minutes later because of the shock, got $10,000 and some Vicodin out of it.

      • Herr Schmitty
        • KJM, Shake Zula

          It’s been a bit since I’ve had hash.

          Not a huge fan, but I’m bummed that I had to pass on seeing Bongzilla last week(lack o funds). Maybe some other time.

          • I didn’t even know they were still a band.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yeah, they got back together.

          • Killer! Big riffs reign once again.

          • Herr Schmitty

            Oof, take a trip to Portland, got some gooey black that’ll make you sit down and take a deep fuckin’ breath!

          • Karnov

            Not a white eye in the house!

      • ME GORAK B.C.™
      • Karnov
    • It’s Friday, why wait til then?

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Still at work.

  • COAL ROLL

    Semper Fi

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    We don’t celebrate Halloween like you do, I’m just gonna get drunk as Fharc and probs wander towards the hill-laden lands.

    • It’s our god-given right as Americans to dress up in a silly costume and get belligerent drunk.

    • Based Potoo

      I’m gonna be boring like every other day.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        You’re a Potoo goddammit! Ain’t no boring-ass Potoo!

    • EsusMoose

      Gives a reason for my friends to gather get drunk and then have them say things that offend everyone. Good times.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        You need an excuse to do so?

        • EsusMoose

          We’re spread across a state so we don’t see each other that often. I’m at the middle of everyone so it’s not a bad but others are like 4 hours apart.

          • Cpt. Poopypanty’s Oily Rampage

            A couple of people on here have bugged me to come down to North Carolina. Even though I’m at the very tip of VA, that’s still a 4 hour bus ride at the least.

          • EsusMoose

            I think saying bus ride is enough to elicit sympathy, any multiple hour bus ride is torturous.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            Especially on Greyhound, which is about as fun as belly-flopping your way across the Pacific Ocean.

        • EsusMoose

          Also no there never needs to be an excuse to drink, it’s always the answer

    • Lacertilian

      You are drawn to those hills on the rum, and I can see why.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        They’re like a second home to my bearsome-self.

        • Based Potoo

          Miten rouhee sun parta on? Onko 5/5,5, Niilo22/5 vai 0/5?

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Vähintään Niilo22/5.

          • Based Potoo

            Vou. Rouheeeeeeeeee ON!

  • Stupid sexy Abbath!

  • JWEG

    Looking at that picture up there I get the impression that Labonte was actually cloned from the DNA of Ayn Rand. There’s a remarkable facial resemblance, which would only be more obvious if he had a flat nose too.

  • EsusMoose

    How many lists can the toilet end with Dave grohl? A shit ton

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      And then some.
      (Just you wait ’til AOTY season…)

      • EsusMoose

        OH dam I didn’t think about that, you could say it’d be the GOAT (Grohls of all time) lists

      • JWEG

        Apart from being all members of Ghost simultaneously other than Papa (who he is only when he’s not singing or speaking), I didn’t think Grohl made any albums this year…

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Matters not, Dave Grohl is the best album of every year.

    • my writers block is solved. <3

  • BEARD-SPLITTER

    Ilold

    I generally dont dress up for all hallows eve/halloween/dia de los muertos but these are making me reconsider

    • Of course, you’re a pirate, everyday is Halloween day for you.

      • BEARD-SPLITTER

        Yar har fiddlety dee!

    • Guppusmaximus

      You could go as the Flying Spaghetti Monster…

  • Eliza

    I’d try a costume on Halloween, but I’m not going to parties with friends, or just have fun at home with friends, or just have friends at all.

    • BEARD-SPLITTER

      Daw. But you have us!

      • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

        Not with that anime avatar. Against the Toilet beliefs system.

      • Eliza

        🙂 It’s good to know that even the loneliest of loners (aka me) still have a place to discuss something with somebody. The Internet is great, isn’t it?

        • and if you’re here at night, folks like @Waynecro:disqus, @richteryoubastard:disqus, @Lacertilian:disqus, @lmd666:disqus make big ole’ messes for Papa Joe to clean up

          • EsusMoose

            God dam time people and their time misadventures!

          • Karnov
          • Eliza

            Sounds like fun!

          • Waynecro

            Time differences make me seem like a night owl, but I’m actually a responsible adult with an early bedtime. I’m a real rebel on weekends, though. I stay up late and drink zero-calorie soda.

          • fuckin’ aye. zero calories, ALL the chemicals! although my friend yelled at me for drinking diet soda, you just can’t win

          • Waynecro

            Dude, I know. That’s why I only drink the stuff on weekends. The rest of the week, it’s nothin’ but water. I think you can get away with drinking diet soda if you deprive yourself of all taste and happiness 85 percent of the time.

          • Karnov

            Cucumber soda is the only kind I’ll ever drink outside of a root beer float maybe twice a year. I can’t stand soft drinks and gave up on them 14 years ago.

          • Lacertilian

            I always clean up after my messy nights.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I’m a good boy, I go to bed early because it’s well past my teenage girlfr…. I mean foster daughter’s bedtime

          • Karnov

            Is that you, Woody Allen?

        • Karnov

          BTW, kudos on the anime gif! If I’m not mistaken, isn’t that one from Soul Eater?

          • Eliza

            Are you talking about my profile picture? Because that is from WataMote, not Soul Eater.

          • Karnov

            Haven’t seen that one. I was guessing it was either from SE or Parasyte.

          • Eliza

            WataMote is a interesting take on the slice of life genre. It focuses on a very shy teenage girl, that is basically me in anime form. By the way, Soul Eater is awesome.

          • Karnov

            Yep! I think they have all of the episodes on Youtube. I had the whole series on my old laptop, have to download it again.
            I’ll definitely check out Watamote, since it sounds a lot like All About Lili Chu Chu (one of my top ten fave films). Ever seen Journey To Agartha?

          • Eliza

            Nope.

          • Karnov

            Pretty good and pretty surreal.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zisCINFm89M

          • Eliza

            I’ll watch it sometime. It looks amazing.

      • Based Potoo

        We’re pretty fucking horrible tho.

    • Herr Schmitty

      +1 Loneliness for the win!
      Humanity: The Worst.

      • Eliza

        I don’t usually say things like “Humanity sucks” because unfortunately I’m a part of it as well, so it can’t be all that bad. I’d change it to something like The vast majority of humanity: The worst.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Nope. We all suck major ass for sure. Trust me, I know – I’m a once-cavebear-turned-man-turned-god.

          • ME GORAK B.C.™

            GORAK THOUGHT YOU WAS WALRUS BEAR WITH SPANKING FETISH???

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Gorak is right. It is my divine right, as long-fanged beargod, to enjoy being spanked.

          • Eliza

            I can’t argue with that. My responses would become invalid before even being written.

        • They mostly suck, trust me, I’m a half-elf.

    • Maik Beninton™
    • this year i’m going as guy-who-plays-fallout-new-vegas

      • Eliza

        There is, in fact, a costume I secretly wear all year long: girl-that-has-no-fashion-sense.

        • then you’ve won! fashion is a phenomenal Lady Gaga song and that’s all…

          • Waynecro

            “Phenomenal Lady Gaga song”: Does not compute.

          • Karnov

            Phenomenal Lady Gaga song = really bad Madonna song.

          • Waynecro

            I’d rather avoid listening to either of them.

          • Cpt. Poopypanty’s Oily Rampage

            Madonna has some decent songs, like ‘Secret Playground’ and ‘Human Behavior’.

          • Waynecro

            I can’t stand Madonna’s voice. I’m more of a Regina Spektor kinda guy, I guess.

          • Cpt. Poopypanty’s Oily Rampage

            I tried to get into her music, but simply can’t. Her singing is good though. I much prefer Emelie Autumn in that department.

          • Waynecro

            I like Spektor’s more structured songs. Her voice is great, but some of the random shit on her records is hard to listen to. Like a crappy poetry reading with a drunk pianist. I like this lady’s voice too:

            https://soundcloud.com/schizophrenichousecat/mypart

        • Karnov

          That could easily be solved by owning nothing but Toilet Ov Hell shirts!

          http://cdn.meme.am/instances2/500x/2699940.jpg

          • Eliza

            I never thought of that, actually.

      • Based Potoo

        I’m going as guy-whose-country-doesn’t-celebrate-this-stupid-holiday-and-will-stay-home-listening-to-Coil.
        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GD012LUjkQE

        • Waynecro

          I hate Halloween.
          Kids:“Trick or treat, mister!”
          Me:“Trick, bitches. Have some religious tracts from the 1970s. Bwhahahaha!”

        • Karnov

          Loves me some Coil! RIP, John Balance, aka guy with the most ironic name on earth.

          • Based Potoo

            They finally released Backwards as it should’ve been released. Also rereleased some eps. I got the Anal Staircase reissue.

          • Karnov

            I think I still have Horse Rotovater somewhere around. I still have the original of the Windowpane single after all these years.

          • Based Potoo

            FUCKING FUCK
            I KNOW WHO YOU ARE
            KJU GODDAMMIT I THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMEONE NEW

          • Karnov

            Missed you too, my Little China Girl!

            http://www.allgraphics123.com/ag/01/14170/14170.gif

  • Herr Schmitty

    “It’s like a yeti cock with mange.”
    Toilet Ov Pulitzers

    • Vote for Jeb

      Let’s not overlook the fact that he managed to connect Tim Lambesis with Les Miserables.

      • Herr Schmitty

        I mean, there’s a lot of great things up there, we could legit pick out 5 or 6 winners!

  • Guppusmaximus

    Those aren’t Halloween costumes?! It just looks like the female fetish section of a Pron store…

    • KJM, Shake Zula

      Sexy Mailman! Sexy Plumber!

      • Vote for Jeb

        There’s one company (Zandy, I think) that makes most of those costumes, and they started as a start-up lingerie business.

      • Cpt. Poopypanty’s Oily Rampage

        *cues 70’s porno music*

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I hope some Objectivists turn up to teach us how Ayn Rand was one of the greatest thinkers of the 20th century…

    • KJM, Shake Zula

      We don’t really get those types here.

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Quite fortunate. Objectivists are more depressing than funny like most kooks.

        • BEARD-SPLITTER

          Objectivism is almost fantasy, like the tea-partiers, or religious people.

          Not rooted in reality

    • Maik Beninton™
  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Indeed.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I laughed OL. I laughed OL heartily.

  • Waynecro

    On Halloween, I usually just hang out in the bushes in the yard so I can attack anyone who tries to egg my house.

    • Cpt. Poopypanty’s Oily Rampage

      Especially if it’s Justin Bieber.

      • Waynecro

        Pummel first, check for Bierberhood later. Procure eggs for nutrients.

  • Karnov

    Vinnie Paul’s beard seems like it moves every time you see a pic of him on Blabbermouth. His beard reminds me of those old Wooly Willy games I had as a kid.

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-d1ycp4H7r4Q/ToWxHVtUjHI/AAAAAAAAB4Y/-oDlksoUcvo/s1600/wooly-willy-mustache-magic-toy.jpg