Collect all these Metal: The Gathering cards!


Get in on the ground floor of the soon-to-be mega hit of the card gaming world!

It’s the brand new game that’s sweeping the nation: Metal: The Gathering. Pit your favorite heavy metal bands and musicians in a battle for musical supremacy! Set up your own dream matches! Will Exodus‘s thrash attack be any match for Cradle of Filth‘s “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” shriek? What happens when Abbath takes on Jamey Jasta? Collect ’em, trade ’em, get into unnecessarily intense fights online about ’em! Let’s open up a pack and see what we have.


Eh, okay. This is a real beginner level card. You might already have a few in a shoebox somewhere.


Nice! While it’s not as powerful as a Metallica or a Slayer, the Anthrax card is still pretty good. Just watch out for the Neil Turbin card.



Cool! Too bad it wasn’t the super limited edition Manowar card that comes with an actual piece of one of their loincloths.


DAVID! DRAIMAN! This one is only useful if you need to sacrifice a turn. Or if you need to Yamma Namma-oh-oh.


Another standard one, but it works pretty well when you combine it with a Greg Puciato and a Troy Sanders card.


Sigh. No, no, it’s totally a good card. I just…y’know? Sometimes you just have these feelings that..I dunno. I’m just going to stare out the window for a little while and think about some stuff. Sigh.


Sand. Fucking. Wich.


Awesome! The King Diamond card is super powerful. Could be really good for trading if you get a duplicate.


Fucking goddamnit. Maybe you can give it to a cousin or something. I guess you can get some wings if you want. Mango Habanero, bruh!


Holy shit! The fabled “Power Metal” card! This is like Blue-Eyes White Dragon and Mew card combined. Don’t sell it! You will totally dominate with this one. Plus, you can use it to really piss off fans of power metal and Pantera.

Save up your pennies to purchase your next pack of Metal: The Gathering.

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Never played the real game.

    • Herr Schmitty

      I played it a few times 18 years ago and still haven’t washed the stench of nerd off me, thus my eternal virginity.

    • The problem is the amount of raging nerdery that occurs during play. You have to play with friends who you are comfortable around. Or else… you feel like a complete nerd, instead of just posing as a nerd. Does this make sense?

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        I guess it does. It just seemed stupid, period.

        • After a while it gets stupid. Buying cards etc makes the game a bit unfair. General play is about like any card game with regards to strategy i.e Euchre or something

          • What I like on these card games are the customization and the thematics, but yeah, it can be stale very fast because the mercantilization.

    • Wait, there is an unreal version of this?

  • Not gonna lie, I have a Dragon/Elf deck that is beyond bitching. I might have to take a photo as proof.


    • I always liked MTG because the artworks and the gameplay seemed to be very entertaining.

      I played Yu-Gi-Oh with my friends a period, I even have my cards storaged, it was fun because it was just a way to gather and play a little after the college classes. But, then some of them got into competitive play and it wasn’t fun anymore.

      • Hubert

        A general rule for all competitive games: It’s fun until it get’s competitive.

        • I went one time to one of those tourneys. Fucking awful.

          They wanted to behave like if they were playing chess and they were just playing with high priced cardboards with glitter.

          • Hubert

            Technically those cardboards with glitter each have a history and a place in the game currently being played and the metagame, but I see what you’re getting at.

          • I mean in YuGiOh. In comparison with MTG, none of the cards have really a lore, the animated series were only a cashgrab pulled off from the TCG.

            Magic is another thing.

    • Vote for Jeb

      You’re probably the last person in the comments I expected to have played MTG. Hell, I’ve never played MTG, and I’m a full-blown dork.

      • We are all nerds with troubled past.

      • The benefit of attending a small school (i.e 40 ppl/class) is that everyone was friends. So when someone picked up MTG, the entire class (20 guys) played. It was as common as playing black jack at lunch. All the grades all the guys. It was a fun time!

        • Vote for Jeb

          I believe it.
          *Commence embarrassing story of young Dubs*
          I was an awkward freshman who only had friends because my sister was a senior and because I been in the same class with a bunch of these kids since 2nd grade. How did I decide to use these advantages during lunch time freshman year? By building a tabletop RPG with some other nerds and playing in between bits of hot pocket.

          • Sounds solid! Nothing nerdy about that.

            Again, the nice part about our small school was the divisions between whatever you imagine the sporty/bandppls/nerd/regular people were…. being so small everything was extremely blurred. For instance we played cards during lunch with two of our teachers. It was crazy fun

          • That’s pretty cool. In two consecutive years I was the cool geek in my classes because my schoolmates were busy fornicating, listening reggaeton and destroying their livers with ultra-cheap alcohol.

          • I lol every time I read “reggaeton”. lol

          • I cry everytime I hear “reggaeton”.


          • and taking malandro classes

          • No jokes, I studied with some malandros. One got killed 5 years ago in a fight. His head got hit by a big stone.

            Most of those guys are probably working in shitty places, dead or robbing.

          • fornicating, listening to reggaeton, destroying liver with ultra-cheap alcohol >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • Vote for Jeb

            Link is probably going to outlive you by 50 years if a malandro doesn’t shank him.

          • I do my best. Last week I escaped two of them with my magic powers.

            It always work.

          • 50 years without boozing or banging? You can have ’em.

          • Herr Schmitty

            Hell, that’s what all the ‘cool’ Americans do!

            Venezuela = USA.

          • Dagon

            Sadly I got on this train way too late

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Small school = 40ppl/class

          • Based Pingu

            I was about to say the same thing, sis.

          • In my experience it does not get much smaller in rural Ohio.

          • Vote for Jeb

            We had 300 people total in my high school

          • Herr Schmitty

            Jesus. We had 300 malandros alone in my school, not to mention the other 2500 students… and there were three high schools in my county.

            I remain kinda curious to know if I would have liked HS more if I was in smaller schools, but I doubt it; school sucks regardless.

          • Vote for Jeb

            I think the one thing we can take away from all this is that high school sucks.

          • College was definitely better.

          • My graduating class was 500+.

          • your ratio of votes to comments is over 10

          • Actually he is 17 shy, lets do this! Upvote!!!!

          • that is fairly small, W!

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            I was in a 30ppl/class and it was too big, lol. Also, some studies (will see if I can link) have found that 30ppl/class is already way too big and disturbs learning.
            40ppl/class couldn’t happen here, laws and regulations.

          • I buggard up my language. I meant 40 ppl/grade not class. I see your confusion

          • I should clarify… 40 ppl/grade. ~160 ppl in the high school.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Oh…. explains a fuckton.

          • Indeed! In my defense, I have experienced both words being used interchangeably. Sorry bout that

          • Based Pingu

            You shan’t be forgiven. You will remain unforgiven

          • oh that was gud. u win, bird!

          • Based Pingu
          • nice clogs, hack.

  • Hubert

    I love/hate it that these cards aren’t even using the MTG rules.

  • I remember when my school banned magic and pokemon cards

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    This is beautiful. The My Dying Bride one brought a tear to my eye.

    • Iron Spagheti’O Nose Hair Doom

      Jared Fogel’s approval is not a good thing! ^^^^^^

  • Rho Stone

    where are the juggalo cards when you need them?

  • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

    I never knew how the fuck to play this game, but man did I love the artwork.

    This could be mistaken as a cover for some DsO-esque black metal:

    • EsusMoose

      fairly easy but some people take it too seriously and like any game people with more money will usually beat someone as long they are equally competent.

    • Iron Spagheti’O Nose Hair Doom

      Needs trees n shit.


    you fucking nerds!

    • Shred some nerd anus’s.


    real talk….I CRUSHED tournaments back in the 90’s with a swampwalk deck. It was a little slow, but no one had decks to deal with that.

    • swampwalk hahha haven’t heard that in ages!

      • COAL ROLL

        I started playing around the unlimited set and stopped playing seriously after Ice Age


          Ice ageis when i stopped, as well.

          I also rocked several tourneys as a youngster with a pestilence deck

  • Nativian Taco

    Those cards are hilarious. Magic: The Gathering seems like a pretty cool game. No one I knew was into it when I was real young though. I have both Mew promo cards stashed away somewhere. I also had a Blue Eyes. Traded it though. Toilet confessions. To be fair I was 10 years old.

  • Scrimm

    There is a shop right across the street from me that specializes in MTG and tabletop strategy games like Warhammer. They even rent out the space next door and hold weekly MTG games. It’s right next door to the liquor store I go to so I’ve seen the insane amout of nerdery that “gathers” there. I’ve thought about checking it out several times because lolbuttz.

    • Vote for Jeb

      I’ve never seen one played, but I’ve seen pictures of Warhammer games. Seems like the kind of thing that is only fun if you’re participating, and even then, just barely.

      • My favorite way to play Warhammer is by throwing away a shitbag roommate’s little statues one by one.

        • Didn’t you once mention that you threw other things of his away, too? Not just his cards?

      • Scrimm

        Warhammer is actually pretty fun once you get the hang of it if you enjoy stategy, but it gets costly quick. I actually have it and a few extra units, and I still have a box of Magic somewhere. I thought about trolling them, going and signing up and then acting like I don’t know how to play, see if I can make some of them that take it super serious freak out.

        • Vote for Jeb

          I like the lore, and the vidya games have been fun.

          • Scrimm

            I had Space Marine, liked it ok.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Dawn of War 2 is a fun squad-based strategy game. Space Marine was ok, and fun, but not an A-list game.

          • Scrimm

            I’m limited to console games, wish I had a pc that could handle stuff

          • PC’s are overrated and overpriced

          • Scrimm

            That doesn’t work for me. I’m underrated and underpaid.

    • Hubert

      There’s always a few really cool guys and a lot of really loud and annoying guys in those places.

    • I’d wager the amount of females is next to zero.

      • Scrimm

        Less than. I go by there often and I don’t recall ever seeing even one.


    I love it

  • Guppusmaximus
    • EsusMoose

      No d90? pff nerd

    • I’m in love with D&D RPG, even when I have only played two sessions, jajaja.

    • Spear

      AD&D? You must really be a glutton for punishment.

      • Guppusmaximus

        🙁 yea…I tried some really desperate shit to fit in back then in those pre-internet teenage years.

      • KJM, Shake Zula

        It ain’t real unless it involves books, pencils, paper, and dice.

        (and lots of herb, beer, pizza, smokes, etc)

  • Can you get stabbed over money in this, like in a dice game?

    • Based Pingu

      If you’re playing with me, you’ll get stabbed for less.

      • I’d prefer to get stabbed for more.

        • Based Pingu

          Everybody gets (at least) one. Stabwound, that is.

  • RustyShackleford

    It is a factual statement that Texas Hippie Coalition is a band that kicks ass. If you disagree, they will probably eat you because they will be pissed off and mad about it. Fuck you. Yep!!!!!

  • Waynecro

    I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I’d fucking play the shit out of that card game. I hope I have enough time to make some friends to play with before this game hits the market.

  • Dagon


    this the shit

  • Boss the Ross

    With the correct line up, I might add.

  • Boss the Ross

    Needs more power metal.

    • Based Pingu


      • Boss the Ross


  • Iron Spagheti’O Nose Hair Doom

    Sepultura card:

    Max’s wife distracts opponent with rants about how terrorists called her on 9-11 and told her all their plans, and goes into another oddball rant. Opponent loses 30 turns.

  • Iron Spagheti’O Nose Hair Doom