Metal Recipes: Spawn ov the Ocean Slowly Throttled by Snaking Tendrils ov Doom


For those who thirst, there is beer. For those who hunger, there is this. For those who pose, there is nothing.

Greetings, Toileteers. Being more than a little obsessed with food, I decided to share a recipe I figured out the other day. It’s cheap, quick, healthy, and doesn’t require any advanced technique. Disclaimers: this dish is spicy and not vegetarian-friendly. Also, if you don’t like sardines, tough titty. Start to finish, it takes 20 minutes (tops) and costs … dunno, maybe a couple bucks per meal.

You will need:

  • 1 small(ish) package soba noodles
  • Approx. 2 cups chopped veggies ov your choice (I used asparagus, broccolini, and diced portabellas).
  • 1 can sardines
  • 2-3 cloves garlic
  • 1 inch ginger, or slightly less
  • Cooking oil (I prefer sesame oil for this, but whatever works)
  • Soy sauce
  • Fish sauce
  • Chili oil
  • Sriracha

1. Set a medium saucepan full ov water on to boil (no salt needed). Once it’s boiling, cook the soba noodles for about 4 minutes. Drain in a colander and rinse under cold water until they’re cool. Set aside.

2. Drink a beer or take a shot. Play a short song to clear your head. I used Nails to great effect.



3. Chop your veggies (if you haven’t already). Peel and finely chop the ginger and garlic, but keep them separate from the veggies.

4. Sacrifice the ginger and garlic peels to the Goat.


5. Heat a 12” skillet over medium heat. Once hot, add 1-2 T ov cooking oil, enough to coat the bottom of the pan. Wait a few seconds for the oil to heat through, then dump your veggies in along with a generous splash ov soy sauce. Stir well to coat the veggies and cook them for about 3-4 minutes, stirring occasionally.

6. Use the aroma emanating from the pan as an invocation to culinary brutality.


7. Add the garlic, ginger, and sardines. Stir well and don’t cook for too long, as garlic burns very easily. Once you add them, I recommend cooking for about the length of “Eyeball Gore” by Iron Reagan, but not much longer. Play that song as you’re cooking so you’ll have a timer, provided here for your convenience.



8. In a large bowl, combine the noodles with the contents ov the skillet. Add a generous drizzle of soy sauce, about 1 T ov chili oil, and fish sauce and salt and pepper to taste. Toss them all together, adding Sriracha if you’re a weirdo like me and want a lot ov heat.

9. Drink another beer, because the finish line is in sight and you’ve earned it, you responsible master of food dorkery.

10. Consume. Makes at least 2 servings, maybe 4, maybe even more, depending on how piggy you are.The dish should come out balanced as follows, flavor-wise: the substance ov the soba noodles, the crunch and zest ov the veggies, the saltiness ov soy, the umami ov fish sauce, and the savoriness ov the sardines, with the chili oil providing some much-needed heat. If you want a little acidity, squeeze lime over the finished product.


The tendrils surface.

Pat yourself on the back, for you have just adulted successfully. Hell, if you double or triple the beer ration, you may even have a buzz by dinnertime.

(Photo via)

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  • Dagon

    Man, I already had lunch but this had me salivating. Then I read your description and I started straight up drooling on my keyboard. One of my life goals is one day eating fried potatoes, cheese curds and gravy, preferably in situ.

    Off to check out the tunes now.

    • Vladimir Poutine

      A toast to you.

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    Damnit, now I’m hungry. I’ll go make me some food and listen to the discography of the immortal Orchestra of Electric Lights.

  • That seems to be so tasty! :O

    I can try to make a similar version with my regular Venezuelan ingredients. If I do I will post it.

    Thank you very much! Awesome work.

    • Vladimir Poutine

      You’re welcome. This whole process of drafting, submitting for approval, and posting was very fun. Looking forward to doing it again.

      • I want more Vlad Putin writing! I mean, our countries are comrades 😛

        • Vladimir Poutine

          More to come.

  • Void Dweller


    • Tyree

      And Beer, and Metal, and Pooping.

      These are all essential things.

      • Void Dweller

        Well said, sir.

      • Dagon

        And booty.

        • KJM

          Arrr!! Booty!

      • CyberneticOrganism

        And ladies with nice, uh… tracts of land.

        • Dagon

          See: below

        • KJM

          Let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who!!!

          • CyberneticOrganism
          • KJM

            “Someday all this will be yours!”
            “What? The curtains?”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            *slap* “No not the curtains…”

          • KJM

            “What’s he do? Nibble yer bum?”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            “Shut up, and go & change your armor.”

          • Sad Tapir the Based™

            “You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared.”

  • I’m not sure I’ve ever knowingly eaten an anchovy in my life but I am curious.

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      I have. They’re awful.

    • The W.

      Ate one as a wee lad in Mother Russia. Don’t recall regretting that decision.

    • Don’t like it. Excessive salty to my taste.

    • Stanley

      Anchovies are salty little fishies that add loads of flavor to sauces. Also, good in small quantities on pizza. Sardines on the other hand and larger and less salty and are delicious spread on buttery toast. They also have all the good fishy oils required for brains and things.

      • Sardines in cans were a very popular food here, because it was a really cheap product. It was often associated in a plate with white rice and eggs as one of the “prototypical plates” of the “poor”.

        Ironically, sardines in cans are now very expensive and it’s losing that stereotype.

        • Stanley

          The canned version is good on toast and very cheap. If you go to Spain and some other Med countries, you can get fresh sardines (about 8-10 long) cooked over charcoal and sprinkled with lemon juice and salt. Served with crusty bread and a salad, it’s magnificent.

          • Dagon

            I had those in Portugal when I was 8. I remember one of my aunties there roasting them over charcoal. She also poured some hot sauce on them after the lemon juice.

            I wish I could travel back and eat it with a beer.

          • Stanley

            Yep, I had them in Portugal too, along this these suckers – barnacles (percebes in Portuguese).

          • Stanley

            Forgot picture.

          • Dagon

            Looks good. We don’t really have percebes where I live in Brasil but I imagine it must taste similar to mexilhão:


          • Stanley

            They obviously look really gnarly, but you just crack of the elephant’s foot looking thing on the end and then eat the fleshy part inside the tube. They are sweet like mussels but the texture is very different and actually so is the taste. Quite unique and tasty.

          • KJM

            I’ll take a full plate with butter, pleez.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Wow, please send that to me immediately.

          • JamesGrimm

            to hell, or deep space?

          • CyberneticOrganism

            To the blackened void of my waiting stomach

          • EsusMoose

            Those look like you ripped some foliage form R’lyeh and put it on a plate

          • Comestible lovecraft food.

          • CyberneticOrganism


        • …so the hipsters got ahold of them?

      • Tyree

        Anchovies >>>>>>>>>>>>>

      • Condom Full Of Croutons

        Oddly enough, though, if you live over in Bulgaria, Italy, or Greece, they don’t salt them. Salting is part of the process of getting them over here without them ending up like lutefisk.

    • Anchovy =/= sardine. I am a fucking idiot, ignore.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I had one, just one, on a slice of pizza once by request. It was really good.

    • Condom Full Of Croutons

      Try it with a Greek salad. Lettuce, Italian dressing, feta and some anchovies. I’ve ate them on pizza, but it doesn’t exactly go together well.

    • Vladimir Poutine

      If you’ve had a decent Caesar salad, anchovies were almost certainly incorporated into the dressing.

  • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

    That looks scrumptious.

    PS: Tendrils ov Doom = band name.


  • tertius_decimus

    Eating with death metal flowing into ear holes makes whole digestion process more desirable than ever.


    mmmm beef

  • Hubert

    Yes, sacrifice your ginger and garlic to me, I love that shit.

    • Condom Full Of Croutons

      No love for sardines?

  • Tyree
  • Ignatius the Wizened

    “Throttle the snake,” a Merrymake,
    A cylinder in flux, a meemaw making bucks
    At work with shaft and balls,
    Moans echo through the halls,
    Hands wrinkled with life and age
    Choke the serpent with grammy rage.

    • Void Dweller

      I could watch her stroke that thing all night.

    • Dagon

      I used to watch that with my mom. It aired late at night on cable. Good times.

      • Herr Schmitty

        Every thing I’ve ever heard you mention about your mother makes her sound like the best parent a child could ask for.

        • Dagon

          She’s not perfect – no one is, but I can’t complain at all. If I would complain about one thing is that they could have taught me to be more conscious regarding money, but thankfully that’s something I’ve been developing on my own.

          They’ve always been very open about many topics, and overall supportive. 🙂

  • “adding Sriracha if you’re a weirdo like me”… bro it’d be weird if someone DIDN’T apply Sriracha.

    great write-up! looks wonderful

  • KJM

    Have a new Aqua Teen episode.

  • This looks delicious Mr. Russian President. I think I’d have to switch out the sardines with some chicken, beef and shrimp however. Bonus points for chopsticks!

    • Vladimir Poutine

      Only reason I didn’t is because I only buy meat once a week at most, and in very small quantities (high quality stuff is fuggin expensive). Next time it’ll either be beef, if available, or if not, squid.

  • KJM

    And here’s last week’s just in case. They’re 2 for 2 so far.

  • Slurpy McFartyPubes

    I haven’t had this in ages! I forget the name of it though in Japanese.

  • CT-12

    Thanks for sharing man, I’m actually really trying to cook more actual food and not just exist on microwave meals all the time. I will try this as soon as possible.

  • Rob M

    Im just here for the awesome Cthulhu art