Metal Recipes: Black Metal BBQ Brisket

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Food, it’s what’s for dinner. Black Metal, it’s what your ears are for.

We all know Black Metal kids are tr00 and kvlt and all that, but when it comes to the kitchen, they’re soft. When handed a knife, stabbing band-mates ain’t no thing, but ask them to peel a potato and they’ll conveniently remember that they have a prior engagement with their bullet belt and a bottle of Brasso. The reason I say all this is that this recipe is easy. As easy as falling down the stairs drunk easy. Do not be afraid. ALL you need are things that you can get at the shops. And the best part is that it tastes supremely delicious with little to no effort on your part other than sitting around listening to Black Metal, and we all know that’s no effort at all. Right?

In order to make this article semi-interesting, I decided to highlight some of last years’ Black Metal releases that you may have overlooked due to the fact that there were so many great records put out. This year has been a little slow for quality Black Metal, so let’s take this opportunity to reflect on some of the unsung albums of yesteryear.

While you’re perusing the ingredients list put on some Askeregn. It’ll provide you with enough mental fortitude to leave the house and deal with the strange beings that inhabit grocery stores.

What you need:

2 cups of tomato ketchup

2 cups of water

½ cup of brown sugar

1 small onion, chopped

1 garlic clove, chopped

2 teaspoons Worcestershire Sauce

1 tablespoon red wine vinegar

1 teaspoon Tabasco

1 teaspoon salt

½ teaspoon black pepper

1 beef brisket, about 4 pounds

IMG_2408

You probably already have most of this stuff in your pantry, so you might not even have to leave your basement except to get the meat. You could easily go out to your local farmer’s field to locate, kill and butcher your own animal, but I prefer the additional challenge of finding parking at Costco and waiting in line for two to three hours listening to Panphage.

When you’ve made it back from the shops and/or hunting expedition, the first step is to preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. This is important because as my mother always told me, “Don’t put your head into a cold oven. It’ll take longer to cook”. Wise, my mum.

Now for the fun part where we get to handle sharp instruments. Take out your weapon and remove as much fat from the brisket as possible, unless of course you want to be fat, but you ain’t going to fit in your skinny jeans that way. Then cut the meat into smaller, more manageable chunks so that it can be more easily moved around in the pot. Set the meat aside and then chop up the onion and the garlic.

IMG_2409      IMG_2412

Combine the ketchup, water, brown sugar, onion, garlic, Worcestershire, vinegar, Tabasco, salt and pepper in a bowl and stir to blend. Pour half of the sauce into a Dutch oven. Place the brisket in the pan and pour the remaining half of the sauce on top. Cover the pan and put it in the oven for 3 hours. Now sit back, relax and listen to some Nahtrunar. You’ll only need to get up off you arse every hour or so to turn the meat and give the mixture a gentle stir.

After 3 hours, remove the cover from the pan and cook uncovered for another hour to reduce the sauce to the right consistency, i.e. as thick as coagulated blood. Once the meat slices easily, remove from the oven and transfer it to a cutting board. Slice the meat against the grain into 1/2 inch slices and then return the sliced meat to the pan.

IMG_2414      IMG_2417

Now all that’s left is to cook up some vegetables to serve it with. I like to serve it with some fried potatoes and steamed broccoli. To make the potatoes, I steam them first for about 10-12 minutes and then fry them in some olive oil with a little salt and pepper.

IMG_1884      IMG_1889

Enjoy it with a nice bottle of red and some Fluisteraars!

This recipe serves about 6-8 normal people or 4 Stanleys.

  • Lacertilian

    Good tunes and what looks to be a good feed, thanks Stan!
    Definitely will be giving this one a run as Winter approaches, looks like a good “start at lunch, drink till dinner” weekend number. I’ll try it with a few herbs too if I find the thyme.
    (Take note: this is what happens when you associate with Stocky for any period of…*fetches noose*).

    • EsusMoose

      That pun is pain.

  • Food >>>>>>
    Metal >>>>>>
    Satan >>>>>>
    Heartburn <<<<<<<

    Good stuff all around Stan! Just in time for lunch.

  • this looks tasty, and all the music you posted is >>>>>

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Brisket BBQ >>>>>>>>>>>

  • Eliza

    As riveting as this looks, I can only make sandwiches without getting in the way of harm.

  • Dubs

    This is quality content. I will be trying this out sometime in the near future.

  • Welp, now I’m pheckin’ starving. Thanks a lot. (Srs tho good stuff.)

  • EsusMoose

    Oh man that looks so fucking good, I think 1 corgi could compress that into his stomach or at least die trying to eat it all.

    • Eliza

      Would it really be worth dying for?

      • Stanley

        Yes.

      • EsusMoose

        I’d probably know by the first bite if I would need to adjust my internal organs to make more space or not, so probably yes

  • ” but you ain’t going to fit in your skinny jeans that way ”

    lol

    Fat>>>>>
    Gristle>>>>>

    gristlelicker.mpg4

  • Stanley

    Ha ha. I had my left overs of this last night. I’m such a fat bastard!

    • Eliza

      If you feel happy, then it doesn’t matter.

    • Doubtful.

    • Did you really have to wait in line for 2 to 3 hours at Costco? Sounds intense, bud.

      • Stanley

        Our Costco is a bit of a shit show. Half the time you can’t get into the store as there are so many people buying $1.99 pizza.

    • been meaning to talk to you about your weight…

  • As a small aside to the article, we make a similar dish with roasted deer. The only difference is slow cooking the deer roast in a crock pot for ~8hours. After cooking, mix the sauce, potatoes, greens, yum.

    • Stanley

      If only Costco stocked deer (or I had a gun).

      • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

        I come from a family of hunters and grew up eating venison. Too gamey for my taste

    • Eliza

      I’ve never had a deer dish in my entire life. What doest it taste like?

      • Stanley

        Heaven.

        • Dubs

          I like it jerked.

          • heh

          • Dubs

            Joe, do you find something humorous about jerking deer meat?

          • Stanley

            It would be good like that as it’s so lean. I don’t like fatty beef jerky. The fat doesn’t dry out like the meat.

          • Dubs

            I’ve actually found jerky is one of the only ways to make bear palatable.

          • Stanley

            You’ve eaten a bear?

          • Dubs

            Indeed, though it has been a while.

          • Stanley

            Hmm. What kind of bear?

          • Dubs

            Ummm, I think I’ve had a couple different kinds, but black bear mostly. They’re too muscly and stringy to be much good aside from jerky, imo.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Brown bear tastes like Horse, but milder. It’s good, but not worth the price.

          • Stanley

            Horse sashimi >>>>

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Don’t think I ever eaten horse sashimi, but now I want to.

          • Stanley

            I didn’t care for the pure horse fat piece, but the other three types were alright, especially with that gingery stuff.

          • Mother Shabubu

            I’ve had moose jerky before. Surprisingly I love it.

          • Eliza

            I’ve always found the fat gross.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Jerky is one of my favorite foods. Same with Slim Jims.

          • for all the effort it takes to make jerky, it is not worth it (IMO). Slow roasting deer is the only way to enjoy it. Ground deer is sub par and steaks are impossible to cook.

          • megachiles

            My grandpa sent me about 6 lbs of elk meat last weekend, and I’d forgotten how much elk steak >>>> deer steak. Way easier to cook, and much tastier.

          • I wish the deer had more fat. My buddy mixes ground burger in his to get the fat up…. Elk is tasty! Had it a couple times when we were in Colorado…

          • Dubs

            The most Colorado meal I’ve ever had was a bison brat smothered with elk chili.

          • Bison and Elk meats both p easy to acquire here. pricey tho

          • God damn that sounds tasty!

          • Also, I was fantasizing about going back to Estes Park last Friday.

          • Dubs

            Fantasize away!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Is this the real life?
            Is this just fantasy?
            Caught in a landslide
            No escape from reality
            Open your eyes
            Look up to the skies and see
            I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
            Because I’m easy come, easy go
            A little high, little low
            Anyway the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me, to me

            Mama, just killed a man
            Put a gun against his head
            Pulled my trigger, now he’s dead
            Mama, life had just begun
            But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away
            Mama, ooo
            Didn’t mean to make you cry
            If I’m not back again this time tomorrow
            Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

            Too late, my time has come
            Sends shivers down my spine
            Body’s aching all the time
            Goodbye everybody I’ve got to go
            Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
            Mama, ooo (anyway the wind blows)
            I don’t want to die
            I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all

            I see a little silhouetto of a man
            Scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the fandango
            Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me
            Gallileo, Gallileo,
            Gallileo, Gallileo,
            Gallileo Figaro – magnifico

            But I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me
            He’s just a poor boy from a poor family
            Spare him his life from this monstrosity
            Easy come easy go will you let me go
            Bismillah! No we will not let you go – let him go
            Bismillah! We will not let you go – let him go
            Bismillah! We will not let you go let me go
            Will not let you go let me go (never)
            Never let you go let me go
            Never let me go ooo
            No, no, no, no, no, no, no
            Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
            Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me
            For me
            For me

            So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye
            So you think you can love me and leave me to die
            Oh baby can’t do this to me baby
            Just gotta get out just gotta get right outta here

            Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
            Nothing really matters
            Anyone can see
            Nothing really matters nothing really matters to me

            Anyway the wind blows

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            my wife and I once drove through the mountains on Top of the Rockies something or other. We ended up in a place called Climax,. All it was, was a mine of some kind, and a guy in a Tacoma selling beef jerky out the back his truck.

          • Dubs

            I’ve never heard of Climax, CO.

          • there is a sex joke somewhere in this comment.

          • we also can get buffalo meats, and whatever a beefalo is (i think someone made a buffalo fuck a cow)

          • Dubs

            I’ve heard of beefalo but never tasted it.

          • me neither, but i ride by that farm often

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Sounds GLORIOUS!

          • Ad-lib masturbation joke.

      • Typically it is very lean, so it can be kinda dry if overcooked. Assuming that is the case, it has a beef-ish taste, lighter taste, and dryer. If you season it even the slightest you can mask any of the “deer” taste, so it can be snuck into just about anything.

        • Eliza

          I imagined it tastes like sheep meat.

          • They are similar in fat content, but the taste is much different.

          • Eliza

            I see. Well, I’ve never seen deer meat in any store around here and buying it from hunters I assume is very expensive, so I guess I won’t get to see what it’s like myself anytime soon.

          • I imagine it would be difficult to purchase unless there was a supplier that would ship within the EU. It looks like those places that sell in the US do not ship overseas. . .

          • Eliza

            I can live without food I’ve never tasted. I couldn’t live without food I like.

        • Ayreonaut

          We used to substitute deer meat in our spaghettis and lasagnas and it worked great.. Has a nice texture to it

        • more beer

          My buddy bagged both a Deer and an Antelope last year. The Antelope is so good on the grill.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Antelope is amazing. Very tasty.

          • more beer

            Agreed!

      • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

        What’s Romanian cooking like? If you have any dishes I should try, or recipes, I’m all ears.

        • Eliza

          Sorry I can’t help you, but I don’t know any recipient, I don’t cook. I know that mamaliga is cooked boiling corn flour in a pot with water, but you look up how it is exactly done.

      • Ayreonaut

        I used to have it quite a bit growing up… Deer jerky was great

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Like heaven.

    • In Wisconsin we shoot and eat deer like our lives depend on it. …within hunting season, of course.

      • EsusMoose

        You guys also hit deer like they took your beer. But that’s what happens when deer are god dam everywhere

        • …and everyone’s not only drunk-driving but actually chugging a cold one whilst driving.

          • “road pops”

            lol

          • (this was years ago)
            a car with friends was headed over to pick me up. i called one of the passengers and said “how many road soadies do we need?” his response “ALL the road soadies!” then i heard him ask the driver “what’s a road soadie?” huehuehue

          • Dubs

            I saw some asshat get out of his car holding an open tallboy the other day. This is something I do not abide.

          • There used to be a total shit hole bar in my neighborhood. Last time I went I saw a pregnant woman pull up and get out of her truck with a beer and a cigarette in one hand.

          • Dubs

            Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

          • Still a better mother than my screaming ass neighbor across the hall.

          • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

            Definitely better than my mom.

          • maybe she just had a belly??

          • EsusMoose

            We can only hope

          • Mother Shabubu

            What a beef-witted applejoan.

      • JWEG
        • Awww, I didn’t saw this when I did my previous comment.

      • ¡Temporada de patos!

        ¡Temporada de conejos!

        ¡Temporada de conejos!

        ¡Temporada de patos!

        BOOM!!!!

  • Stanley

    Note: If you are going to try this (of course you are), don’t fuck with the recipe on the first attempt. Do it as I say. I’ve made this LOTS of times and it’s perfected. It has a very “strong” flavor so adding things may not be what’s required.

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      what if I want to use a smoker instead of the stove?

      • Stanley

        “I don’t have any red wine vinegar, can I use balsamic instead?”.

        NO.

        • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

          Grape balsamic, perhaps. Grape balsamic is the marinade of the gods!

    • Dubs

      I feel like I was just chastised 🙁

      • Mother Shabubu

        He’s jerkying you around.

        Dad Joke Man, away!

    • very much similar to my preparation for beef tips, minus the 1/4 cup soy sauce

    • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

      Done French and Italian cooking for 8 years, and trust me, it’s something you can easily fuck up! Curious if you’ve ever done Osso Bucco.

    • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

      Definintley gonna try this this weekend when I have some hours to kill

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      How can a cup be classed as an accurate measurement?

      • Stanley

        Easily when there is a standard cup size. In the US it’s 8 fluid ozs. Get cooking!

  • Stanley you are a Renaissance Manaissance.

  • megachiles

    I have a dope pizza recipe I need to share with y’all, but I’m not really sure what music it pairs with. Fleshgod Apocalypse and Rhapsody of Fire seem like a low hanging fruit, but they have the cheese factor.

  • this recipe looks spectacular! i shall try this soon. easy enough a detective could do it.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    YOU DON’T CUT THE FAT OFF

    • Cutting fat off is a paddlin’.

    • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

      Exactly! That’s what makes soups good.

    • Stanley

      Brisket has enough fat in the meat. Trust me, if you don’t cut off the fat cap on top of the brisket, you’ll have about an inch of liquid fat floating on top of the sauce. You can tilt the pan and scoop it off or put it on fridge, and wait till it hardens and lift it off in one piece.

  • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

    Here’s what I made last night. (at home I don’t bother with measurements)
    – Relish, a box of medium shell pasta, cranberries, mayo, ranch, and 3 cans of tuna.
    – Yellow rice (cheap saffron is obvious), dark red beans, mixed with some shit that said it was mushroom flavored rice, with some chicken and feta.
    – And some fileo noodles I gotta figure out what to do with
    – And my all time favorite recipe (I came up with this as a kid, and kinda fuck with the recipe here and there): Cauliflower with ranch, cranberries, Ranch, spinach and artichoke dip.

  • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

    http://timeentertainment.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/bourdain.gif?w=753

    I’m hoping our resident and fellow chef, Elizabeth Short, gets in on this on!

    • upvote for one of the best eps of Archer

      • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

        And for one of the best chefs on Earth! I got his cookbook.

        • My favorite ex heroin addict

          • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

            And crack addict. He talked about that quite a lot in Kitchen Confidential.

          • Óðinn

            Yeah. Having worked in kitchens when I was younger, I know that they are breeding ground for alcoholism and drugs. There are many substance-dependent chefs out there.

          • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

            Yep, I’m proof on the alcoholism part! Though, at the last job I had (Cafe Rio), no one could tell. Otherwise I wouldn’t get my benefits when I quit.

          • Óðinn

            That explains why he’ll eat anything.

        • Indeed. I absolutely adore Bourdain.

        • Óðinn

          I’m not a big fan of “celebrity chefs” (so pretentious), regular chefs, foodies, or the foodservice industry in general, but you look happy my friend. So that makes me happy.

    • Elizabeth Short

      I might play around with some variations with the marinade/sauce, but the cooking technique is pretty spot on. Brisket definitely takes parience, it needs to get to atleast 190 internal temp or it’s just going to tough as hell and abject garbage. Solid recipe, good work, Stanley.

      • Elizabeth Short

        Only thing I might do differently is lower temperature for longer, but as long as the end product is good then that’s all that matters.

        • Stanley

          Slow and low is the way to go for tough as old boots meat. You can lower the temp to 300 and add another hour to the cooking time. Then you can listen to more Black Fucking Metal.

      • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

        What are some of your recipes? You rarely are on here, but the times you’ve commented, I can definitely tell you’re one of us warriors who’ve gotten the plate to the table.

        • Elizabeth Short

          I’m that douchebag that never measures things, I just dive in, so I don’t have any measured recipes per se. Every recipe I’ve had to type up for my staff is me sitting in the office and arbitrarily picking numbers and sticking them next to ingredients.

          • Elizabeth Short

            That being said, umm…it’s hard to pick/remember. Sadly, one of the things I’m most happy with was a honey, lavender seed, and champagne vinaigrette. That did not suck. Won some dumb award for a pork roulade rolled with smoked tomatoes and some dumb cheese from Samael land that I can’t recall. It was over some proper ass polenta and finished with a hoisin-cherry barbeque sauce. Won the next year with a stuffed duck breast that I can’t for the life of me remember what I did with it. Should maybe start writing this shit down.

          • Elizabeth Short

            If I have some down time today I’ll try to jot some more stuff down and send it your way.

      • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

        Featured comment, BTW. From one chef to another, I give you this.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIQCMG-kTfo

        You have the heart. 🙂

        • Elizabeth Short

          Mediacom is the opposite of awesome, and I’m currently out of mobile data until I get to work, but I’ll get back to you when I’m there. I don’t have a PC, so that’s why I rarely post. Having running conversations via stupid cell phone is exceptionally annoying. Also, MPW was a fucking king. His biography, especially when he made Gordon Ramsey cry made me happy.

  • JWEG

    Fortunately I had a late breakfast, or this would have made me very very hungry.

    I probably couldn’t risk eating anything that solid and meaty until I’m totally healed though (only just had my staples out this A.M.). I’m still in a state where just sneezing hurts like a mofo. Any more ‘strain’ is likely inadvisable.

  • Thank you for this recipe, Stan! 🙂 I will try to make a budget Venezuelan version of this with Mrs. Leonhart.

  • Count_Breznak

    Replace the water with cheap red, the ketchup with tomato paste, add some chopped paprika..and you got goulash.

  • tertius_decimus

    I realized my childhood dream today. Saw the biggest plane on Earth that I was dreaming seeing in person for 21 years.

    http://i.piccy.info/i9/f7941ea3c388f31aeaed05250eae92d4/1464109550/133796/1018099/DSCN2703.jpg

    • tertius_decimus
      • Yay! I’m happy for ya!

        • tertius_decimus

          Hey, how are you?

          • Cool, cool! Super busy at work and thesis related thingys 😀 and ye?

          • tertius_decimus

            Everything’s going fine. Wanna start learnin’ how to cook something more complex than just mere fried meat with potatoes. This post may serve as a kickstand. IIRC, you’ve posted something in the vein, right?

    • Dubs

      I’m glad you got to see it this time!

      • tertius_decimus

        Though, it’s just a small dream, nothing life-changing, however, it’s very refreshing to see that sometimes you get what you want.

    • Speaking of planes, whatever happened to that Malaysia Airlines plane that vanished? Have they found it?

      • The one that crashed recently they still have 4 weeks to find the Black Box before it dies the one from last year I don’t think they ever found except pieces

        • That’s such a mind fuck. With all the technology we have you would think it would be easy to find it. Maybe someone on the plane blasted portal and they got pulled into the void between dimensions.

          • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

            Been watching The Langoliers, I take it?

        • more beer

          Never ever take a Malaysian Airlines flight. Isn’t this like the 3rd plane they have lost in the last couple of years?

        • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

          Why not just make a whole plane out of one of the black boxes?

      • tertius_decimus

        Sadly, no.

  • tertius_decimus

    Gonna try this recipe. Looks tasty. Thanks for sharing, Stanley!

  • Hmm even with all my damn food allergies I think this is actually a thing I can eat without dying!!?

    • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

      What are you allergic to, if you don’t mind me asking?

      • Djent

        • Real talk though: I have celiac disease so gluten is a big one, and then I was born with allergies to Milk, eggs, peanuts, dairy in general and a bunch of other shit, but those are the main ones.

          • Stanley

            Dude, this whole meal is allergen free. Get cooking!

          • I may have to! Now I just have to learn how to cook……

          • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

            Damn, that’s going through the whole spectrum of allergies! I’d imagine that your diet is extremely particular.

        • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

          Crushed by Meshuggah ^^^^^^

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Most things in life.

  • Great recipe, man! I’ve been itching for some brisket; maybe I’ll forgo the smoker and use this method. It certainly looks excellent.

  • Ayreonaut

    Looks awesome but I’m a vegetarian. Doesn’t mean I cant still appreciate it and dream

  • Waynecro

    This looks mighty fine. I love a good brisket.

  • Oh hell yes, this looks delicious. Definitely gonna make this sometime soon.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I love jerky. I bought some from a vendor in the mall over the holidays and it was so good. Also, gator is disgusting. Don’t eat it.