Metal Gifts We Want To See Next Year

2503
142
Share:

Didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas? Did Grandma give you socks instead of that Converge vinyl re-issue with the ultra-rare blood-splattered color job? Was the iTunes gift card useless because your favorite wolf-based proto-power sludge band only has music for sale on Bandcamp? Well, here are some metal-based items we’d all like to see for sale next year.

In The Nightside Eclipse Hoveround

emperorhoveround

Walking is so 2015. Metalheads need to ride around in style. Whether it’s wading around through the throngs of people at Maryland Death Fest or just being too lazy to use your legs while buying XTRA Screamin’ Dill Pickle Pringles at Wal-Mart, the In The Nightside Eclipse Hoveround is for you. This power scooter comes with all-terrain wheels, an extra-wide seat, an easy-grip motion-stick, and plays album-quality mp3s of Emperor‘s In The Nightside Eclipse album. Options are available for LED lights and a place to hang your leather vest. Future models include Under The Sign Of The Black Mark, A Blaze In The Northern Sky, and Illud Divinum Insanus.

 

George Clarke Handsome Completer

handsomegeorgeclarke

Let’s face it: you’re never going to be as handsome as Deafheaven‘s George Clarke. Seriously, we all look like a chewed up pastrami sandwich that has been left out in the sun for a while in comparison. Fear not, because George Clarke Handsome Completer is here to help. Just apply to your face twice a day and after every meal, drink, or smoke break. You should start to see results in a matter of minutes or when someone complains about Deafheaven, whichever comes first. Side effects include difficulty with Language Games, inability to Please Remember, and being Irresistible.

 

Danzig Boxing Gloves

danziggloves

I’ve got something to say
I took a picture of Danzig today
And it doesn’t matter much to me
‘Cause he’s taking a swing at my head.

Glenn Danzig, the mastermind behind the now-classic Skeletons album, doesn’t like having his picture taken and has been known to throw fists every once in a while. Vice versa too. What better way to celebrate Danzig’s penchant for fisticuffs than with a pair of your very own Danzig Boxing gloves. These Everlast 16 ounce gloves come emblazoned with the stunning visage of the “Am I Demon” singer which will only make you punch harder. You may be “Tired of Being Alive” but with these beauties, you’ll fight until there’s nothing left, but “Blood and Tears”.

 

Muhammad Suiçmez Watch

necrophagistwatch

This chic timepiece comes with Necrophagist‘s Muhammad Suiçmez’s bored face on it to remind you that he’s in absolutely no rush to put out a new album. The watch conveniently lacks hour, minute, and second hands, therefore preventing you from knowing how much time has passed. You’re on Suiçmeztime now, baby!

 

Metal Blog Commenter-Strength Preparation \m/

metalcream

Metal blogs are super-serious business. Did someone in the comments section disagree with you? Did an editor forget to include a link to a video from a song you already know? Did a writer not include a thing you like in their Top 10 list? Well fuck them, right? Fuck douche-Moblins, man. Unfortunately, the anger cannnot always be quelled with a clever gif or one-liner. For those times when the tush-ache is too severe and your bum feels like someone just “checked your oil” with a handful of Reformulated Blazin’ sauce, there’s Metal Blog Commenter-Strength Preparation \m/. Apply vigorously to your metal hole for maximum prevention and relief.

 

George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher Stand-Up Comedy Album

fishercomedy

Have you ever seen Cannibal Corpse live? George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher is one funny dude. Sure, he gurgles about horrific things and his neck looks like a cheese wheel, but he brings the laughs. I caught the band this past fall and thoroughly enjoyed hearing Fisher absolutely shit on the New England Patriots. Now we can all enjoy Fisher’s zingers with his very first comedy album Hammer Smashed Funny Bone. Hold onto your sides because Corpsegrinder is going to split them in two with his hilarious knock knock jokes, tour stories, and slices of life (and flesh!). Order now and receive The Best Of Chris Barnes’s Twitter absolutely free!

 

The All-Purple Tech Death Album Art

techdeathalbumart

Tech Death and purple album art go together like weedilies and deedilies. Just take a look for yourself if you don’t believe me. This helpful square containing various shades of purple will negate the need to ever buy posters or original art from your favorite tech death bands ever again. Make your own chuggity-chugs and solos at home to save even more money. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Maybe if you’re good boys and girls, these gifts can be all yours next holiday season.

  • Dubs

    Can I just get a Corpsegrinder wheel of cheese?

    • Boss the Damage Case Ross

      Or the Corpsegrinder neck work out video.

  • 4/4 for today. You guys are so predictable. No more PB&J sandwiches to reward my self with though. Total death.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    How about Deafheaven tampons?

  • Vault Dweller

    Real shit, if you post around here and don’t already use that Preparation m/ then we’re not friends and I don’t know why you enjoy your cloaca being cauterized in such a caustic fashion, cock.

  • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

    Ginsu: The Varg Vikernes Collection.

  • Necrophagist is still a thing? Dumb.

  • Speaking of Emperor. The rumor I heard is that MDF 2017 is going to be a Emperor reunion.

    • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

      I was going to go see one of their semi-reunion shows back in Chicago years back, but for some reason they were wanting $86 a pop for tickets. And it was at a medium sized venue, which made the ticket prizes even more outrageous.

    • Dagon

      Fucking USD so expensive… or rather yet my currency so cheap and meaningless.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      That’s going to sell out.

  • COAL ROLL

    Looks like that coveted Batushka release is going to be delayed kiddies

    • Dude, my dad bought a 2014 Silverado (maroon) and it BANGING. Holy shit it is beautiful.

      • COAL ROLL

        he’s a good man for avoiding the Henry(libtard sympathizer)Ford…amirite Super Nintendo Chalmers

        • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

          Not suree if srs. Henry Ford was a racist

      • COAL ROLL

        4 doors and leather?

        • Of course! It is unrealz

          • COAL ROLL

            worth every penny of the $40k + he spent. Great resale value too.
            Roll Coal bro

      • My friend’s dad used to lease a new Cadillac every year. As soon as the new models were in, he’d go trade.

    • Dubs

      My CD is supposedly in transit…

      • COAL ROLL

        yeah looks like their vinyl supplier sucks. Did you see the facebook post? Hard to understand exactly what is going on.

        • Dubs

          Looks like the manufacturers are to blame.

          • COAL ROLL

            vendors are always the blame

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        Same. My metaphysical wee wee will be hard when/if it arrives.

  • Hemorrhoids suck.

    #fact

    GL

    • Dubs

      Cosigned

    • Vault Dweller

      Worst hemmorhoid you ever had thread? Go!

      In ~Junior year of college, when my diet was at its all-time nadir, I developed a big internal hemorrhoid that began to protrude from my anus. I never attempted to treat it and tried to wait til it went away. It was only mildly painful, so it wasn’t a big deal to try to ‘tolerate’ it.

      One day I sat down on a couch and felt it ‘pop.’ I felt fluid in my crack. I went and sat on the toilet as a troubling amount of blood seeped from my popped hemorrhoid into the toilet, which quite literally ran red with my poser blood.

      Pain is two days after your hybrid internal/external hemorrhoid pops and you do anything that causes your cheeks to part in any way.

      • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

        This Toilet Tuesday has come early! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

        • more beer

          Years ago I saw a report about the most shoplifted items in America. Preparation H was # 1. The said the reason was people were embarrassed to stand in line and buy it.

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

            Lol, imagine the conversation with the clerk as you’re checking out! I’d happily buy it, and do something like this:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-mK62LJ9zg

          • more beer

            Yea , but most people aren’t you.

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

            Yep, sucks for them!

      • Damn! Never had an internal. Mine was (is) external.

        I moved a cord of wood about 2 weeks ago, must have strained weird. I couldn’t nearly walk for 6 days. Luckily that was only my 2nd flare up (is that the right word?)

        #realtalk

        • Vault Dweller

          Fuuuuuuuuu. That’s the worst. At least mine I can blame myself for; shitty college idiot diet made of ramen and no fiber was almost exclusively the cause of what happened to me.

          You were just being a productive member of society, goin’ ’bout your wintry business, when catastrophe struck.

          #tooreal.

          • Dubs

            Pretty sure mine were caused by dissertation stress.

          • Vault Dweller

            Very real, very likely. Stress can be an *ahem* inflammatory factor for one’s bowels.

            Still, fiber is critical.

          • Almond milk. Drink a couple cups of that stuff a day and you’re good to go. Literally.

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

            A diet of virtually nothing but coffee and ramen for a couple of years is what caused my hypoglycemia, which I found out I have the hard way.

      • Lacertilian

        Really though, any blood in the toilet is troubling..

        • Vault Dweller

          True… but it was a pretty significant amount of blood. Not ‘hospital’ or ’emergency room’ amounts but very much ‘I’m worried about my overall health and well-being now’ level blood loss.

          The real MVP of the story is my ex from that time. Once I stopped bleeding, she got a fuckin’ flashlight and *examined* the horrible carnage my pop had wrought.

          • Dubs

            brah

          • Dagon

            My kind of bro

          • She sounds like a potential keeper!

          • Vault Dweller

            Been lucky like that; in both my loooooong relationships, the lady involved was not afraid nor offended by the horrible grossness of (my) human form… although most recent ex definitely had it way easier, as I am a far cleaner person now 😉

          • EsusMoose

            She sounds like THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST…

        • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

          I’ve pissed blood from kidney stones a few times, which is as fun as it sounds. Basically it looked like boiled cranberries, and all that after the fun of feeling like I was passing the Great Barrier Reef through my dick.

      • That is fucking gnarly man. I’ve had em before but never anything like that. I stapled my pants to my dick once before though.

      • EsusMoose

        I’m glad I’m not planning on eating anytime soon, but when I do fiber is gonna be number 1 on the list of things shoveled into my mouth

      • nbm02ss

        I got a couple from pain meds that plugged me up pretty badly. That was a fun time.

      • RJA

        All I can think is “my life is not that bad” !!

  • Lacertilian

    I did a bit of looking around for some decent Emperor merch a while back and was very underwhelmed.

  • Dubs

    I think tech death should adopt the octopus as its official mascot. All album covers are required to feature purple octopuses.

    • Lacertilian

      John Baizley has drawn some octopii from memory, also latest album is purple..
      Taco dildos?

      • Dubs

        too many naked ladies. Not tech.

        • Lacertilian

          Valid point.
          In terms of spikey space stuff he’s not on par with Olaffson.

          • intentional wordplay?

          • Lacertilian

            I tried.
            I’m cooped up in the work truck during the second straight day of rain, forgive me.

          • no, i liked it! hopefully you don’t have 18 days of rain

          • Lacertilian

            Haha, what’s your excuse?

          • trying for the unfunny bastard award

          • Lacertilian

            A hotly contested award, I’ve heard.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            That’s my award and you’re not gonna take it from me!

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      Nothing screams tech death quite like Veruca Salt.

  • COAL ROLL

    I would go see the CorpseGrinder comedy tour, but only if it comes to a venue near Poughkeepsie

    • more beer

      You could go to the Chance for this with JJD. That is in his area.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        It is my area. It’s 10 minutes from me.

        • more beer

          I know that’s your area. Why else would I tell Coal Roll to go with you?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Good point. Meat Loaf is coming near me. My dad saw him a few times: once at Forest Hills Stadium in 1982 and a time or two at The Chance and the Civic Center.

        • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze
          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Goddamnit Santino.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Meat Loaf is going to UPAC. I’m going

  • JWEG

    Not joking, I want some Borknagar Beard Oil.

    After I can procure a case or so, I’ll consider one of these other products.

  • Dubs

    Will the George Clarke product grant me wizardly prowess?

    • Probably just swoopy hair.

      • Dubs

        I’m curious about how it would feel to have hair again. I’ll take it!

        • I’ve just been cutting all of mine off. I hate dealing with hair anymore.

          • Lacertilian

            Shave or cave!
            Shave or cave!

          • Dagon

            You just want everybody to conform to your bald ways, Reptile. I’m not conforming.

          • Lacertilian

            I’m not bald in any way, but I clip to zero, it’s the next easiest thing to letting it grow wild like a caveman.
            These are the only two acceptable haircuts.
            SHAVE OR CAVE!

          • Dubs

            SHAVE OR CAVE

          • #StayCave

          • more beer

            SHAVE!

        • EsusMoose

          Ever thought of printing out a picture of hair and taping it to your head?

          • Dubs

            I have a mullet wig somewhere for certain situations.

          • EsusMoose

            I cannot fathom what situations would require a mullet wig

          • Dubs

            You have a very limited imagination.

          • EsusMoose

            Corgis that’s why

          • more beer

            It helps in getting the full B Dubs experience, you fit right in that way.

          • EsusMoose

            Dubs using a mullet to hide in bdubs? Sounds crazy enough to have been witnessed.

          • more beer

            I don’t know if hiding is the right word. It just makes the bros recognize him as one of them.

          • EsusMoose

            Hiding in plain sight is the best kind of hiding

          • BobLoblaw

            What you need is a merkin my friend.

        • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

          If you figure out how to get these shavings to stick on your head, this technique might work just as good:

          http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-d1ycp4H7r4Q/ToWxHVtUjHI/AAAAAAAAB4Y/-oDlksoUcvo/s1600/wooly-willy-mustache-magic-toy.jpg

        • more beer

          You could always try this.

  • Does that Preparation m/ work on lolbuttz?

    Or just, y’know, regular butts?

  • Dagon

    It’s true, guys. I got some of that George Clarke cream-oil-thing and seconds later I already have two dates.

    Some powerful wizardry is clearly at play here.

    • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

      I put some of it on, and my clothes magically ironed themselves (with super heavy starch, of course). Now my pants and shirts feel like seaweed wrap!

  • tertius_decimus

    I’m listening to technical death and my bike is purple. Do I pass?

  • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

    In other news, Guns N Roses is confirmed for Coachella. But, fuck that though, LUSH IS BACK TOGETHER AND PLAYING THERE!!!!!!

    http://cdn1.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1949745/Shocked.gif

    • Saw Lush open for Jane’s Addiction. They were ok.

      • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

        Interviewed Emma about her band afterwards (Sing Sing), and ran the official Yahoo fan pages for Lush and Sing Sing (with her blessing, of course). Definitely one of the nicest people I’ve ever met in the biz. I’d have to dig it out, but still got Split (first thing I ever bought in CD format, actually), 21 years later!

        • Nice.

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

            The betting pool’s on for GNR. I give it about 4 shows until the whole thing collapses (of course by Axl’s own doing)

          • Whoever’s bankrolling this better make him sign contracts saying if he pulls that crap he loses ownership of the name or something big like that.
            If that whole name ownership story is true, the other band members are fools for allowing that to happen. I don’t care how much Axl bought them out for.

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

            They’re wanting $3 million per show during their stadium tour, and highest ticket prices will be $275. Doing the math, over 10,909 people per show are going to have to buy the highest price tickets to bring in that kinda cash. Can’t fit that many people into front row seats at most stadiums, which I’m guessing is what those tickets would entail.

          • That probably means the entire floor will be that much, and they’ll have to bring in a high profile opening act to hedge their bets.
            If Izzy Stradlin isn’t involved, I won’t care unless the opener is good or unless I somehow score a free ticket. Somehow, I don’t think the performance quality will be the same as the show I saw in October 1987.

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

            The vast majority of comments I’m reading about it on Blabbermouth, Fark, Ultimate Classic Rock and other forums is “if it doesn’t have the original lineup, fuck ’em”. And most likely it won’t.
            I highly doubt they’ll get $3 million for Coachella. Most of the hipsters will be busy stroking their beards and probably leaving after LCD Soundsystem gets done playing.

          • Enough casual fans will turn up to make the tour worthwhile, especially if they get Matt Sorum or another big name on drums.

          • Heroic Nipple Farts Of Doom

            No way Adler will be on drums. Not after his magical, coke and stroke transformation into:

            https://i.ytimg.com/vi/0qzv88nBoTI/maxresdefault.jpg

            He would go Dr. Rockso on that tour in two seconds.

          • Even way back when he couldn’t play any of the UYI material. They were lucky to get the drum tracks for Civil War out of Adler before he got the sack.
            The best any fan can realistically hope for is the 1992-93 lineup with Sorum. I saw that lineup twice. It was good.

  • Eliza

    I’d prefer a Danzig hitting bag.

    • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

      You would just hit one of his fans instead

      • Eliza

        That would bring more satisfaction, indeed, but I don’t want to have trouble with the police.

      • Eliza

        Ignore the previous response, I got your comment wrong.

  • Sooo glad I don’t have to go out again today. Currently 13F.

    • Bosse de Hosse Rosse

      Yuck