Didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas? Did Grandma give you socks instead of that Converge vinyl re-issue with the ultra-rare blood-splattered color job? Was the iTunes gift card useless because your favorite wolf-based proto-power sludge band only has music for sale on Bandcamp? Well, here are some metal-based items we’d all like to see for sale next year.
In The Nightside Eclipse Hoveround
Walking is so 2015. Metalheads need to ride around in style. Whether it’s wading around through the throngs of people at Maryland Death Fest or just being too lazy to use your legs while buying XTRA Screamin’ Dill Pickle Pringles at Wal-Mart, the In The Nightside Eclipse Hoveround is for you. This power scooter comes with all-terrain wheels, an extra-wide seat, an easy-grip motion-stick, and plays album-quality mp3s of Emperor‘s In The Nightside Eclipse album. Options are available for LED lights and a place to hang your leather vest. Future models include Under The Sign Of The Black Mark, A Blaze In The Northern Sky, and Illud Divinum Insanus.
George Clarke Handsome Completer
Let’s face it: you’re never going to be as handsome as Deafheaven‘s George Clarke. Seriously, we all look like a chewed up pastrami sandwich that has been left out in the sun for a while in comparison. Fear not, because George Clarke Handsome Completer is here to help. Just apply to your face twice a day and after every meal, drink, or smoke break. You should start to see results in a matter of minutes or when someone complains about Deafheaven, whichever comes first. Side effects include difficulty with Language Games, inability to Please Remember, and being Irresistible.
Danzig Boxing Gloves
I’ve got something to say
I took a picture of Danzig today
And it doesn’t matter much to me
‘Cause he’s taking a swing at my head.
Glenn Danzig, the mastermind behind the now-classic Skeletons album, doesn’t like having his picture taken and has been known to throw fists every once in a while. Vice versa too. What better way to celebrate Danzig’s penchant for fisticuffs than with a pair of your very own Danzig Boxing gloves. These Everlast 16 ounce gloves come emblazoned with the stunning visage of the “Am I Demon” singer which will only make you punch harder. You may be “Tired of Being Alive” but with these beauties, you’ll fight until there’s nothing left, but “Blood and Tears”.
Muhammad Suiçmez Watch
This chic timepiece comes with Necrophagist‘s Muhammad Suiçmez’s bored face on it to remind you that he’s in absolutely no rush to put out a new album. The watch conveniently lacks hour, minute, and second hands, therefore preventing you from knowing how much time has passed. You’re on Suiçmeztime now, baby!
Metal Blog Commenter-Strength Preparation \m/
Metal blogs are super-serious business. Did someone in the comments section disagree with you? Did an editor forget to include a link to a video from a song you already know? Did a writer not include a thing you like in their Top 10 list? Well fuck them, right? Fuck douche-Moblins, man. Unfortunately, the anger cannnot always be quelled with a clever gif or one-liner. For those times when the tush-ache is too severe and your bum feels like someone just “checked your oil” with a handful of Reformulated Blazin’ sauce, there’s Metal Blog Commenter-Strength Preparation \m/. Apply vigorously to your metal hole for maximum prevention and relief.
George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher Stand-Up Comedy Album
Have you ever seen Cannibal Corpse live? George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher is one funny dude. Sure, he gurgles about horrific things and his neck looks like a cheese wheel, but he brings the laughs. I caught the band this past fall and thoroughly enjoyed hearing Fisher absolutely shit on the New England Patriots. Now we can all enjoy Fisher’s zingers with his very first comedy album Hammer Smashed Funny Bone. Hold onto your sides because Corpsegrinder is going to split them in two with his hilarious knock knock jokes, tour stories, and slices of life (and flesh!). Order now and receive The Best Of Chris Barnes’s Twitter absolutely free!
The All-Purple Tech Death Album Art
Tech Death and purple album art go together like weedilies and deedilies. Just take a look for yourself if you don’t believe me. This helpful square containing various shades of purple will negate the need to ever buy posters or original art from your favorite tech death bands ever again. Make your own chuggity-chugs and solos at home to save even more money. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Maybe if you’re good boys and girls, these gifts can be all yours next holiday season.