Presenting your future favorite artists of 2016.
I feel your pain. You’re sick of dredging through endless reviews and writeups about bands that may or may not be the biggest thing ever of [current year here]. Fortunately for you sacks of meat, I have a unique inside scoop on what you’re going to love. Don’t ask how.
What’s that? “Shut the fuck up” you say? No YOU shut the fuck up! Because what follows is a list of nine metal bands on the up & up that are going to be the #biggest #trending #bestthingever of #2016 and will make your favorite bands of 2015 look like a 40 foot bonfire of dried elephant shit!
Genre: doom/stoner | Members: Greg Avery, Jonah Thomas, Arnold Baker | FFO: Black Sabbath, Electric Wizard, dope smokin’
Witchcorpse Acidthrone play a fuzzy blend of hazed-out doom metal with stoner overtones that will have you lighting up your favorite green blend and flipping on your blacklight in no time. Their just-released sophomore album Eternity of Smoke embraces a conscious acknowledgement to the vitality and freshness of today’s scene with a classic throwback vibe to the analog godfathers of metal’s past. Regularly tours with Wizardgoat, Mountain Gray Sky and Grave Moth.
Genre: stoner/doom | Members: Arnold Thomas, Avery Baker, Jonah Greg | FFO: Electric Sabbath, Black Wizard, smokin’ dope
Not to be confused with Witchcorpse Acidthrone, Acidcorpse Thronewitch play a hazy blend of fuzzed-out stoner metal with doom overtones that will have you flipping on your blacklight and lighting up your favorite green blend in no time. Their just-released debut album Smoke of Eternity embraces a classic throwback vibe to the analog godfathers of metal’s past with a conscious acknowledgement to the vitality and freshness of today’s scene. Regularly tours with Goatwizard, Gray Sky Mountain and Moth Grave.
Genre: laptop djent lyricvideocore | Members: Orville Caleb | FFO: Animals As Leaders, Periphery, the Ocarina of Time soundtrack slowed down 800% with 9 string guitars playing over it.
One-man-band Nano Cloud from Salt Lake City just dropped a bomb on djent. With his debut album featuring an unprecedented array of BPMs (ranging from 160 to 162 and everything in between), 19 year old visionary Orville Caleb has graduated from creating brutal progressive riffs in his bedroom studio to creating brutal progressive riffs in his newer, bigger bedroom studio. With a vast array of top-tier gear that would rival any NAMM show, Caleb insists it’s his unique musical vision and tireless work ethic of creating Guitar Pro demos on YouTube that got him to where he is today, and has nothing to do with his hedge fund manager father who owns the largest house in the state.
Staring Into The Bloody Eyes Of My Undead Vampire Prom Queen While Her Lips Betray A Venomous Poison Most Foul
Genre: MySpace xXxscenecorexXx | Members: Chris Keeper, Grave Robert, Liz E. Boredom, Miss Anne Thropy, Tigger Mortis | FFO: My Chemical Romance, H.I.M., Jack Skellington air fresheners
Remember MySpace? SITBEOMUVPQWHLBAVPMF certainly do, and they’re bringing back the heady days of the mid-aughts, when a guy named Tom was everyone’s friend, when an $89 digital camera made you a professional photographer, and when sparkle gifs were the currency of the land. Despite its members having only been born between 1999 and 2000, they strongly identify with last decade’s scene of which they have no living memory and are out to revive the classic post-millennium sound of bands like The Devil Wears Prada and Wednesday 13. To stay true to the era, their debut album will be recorded as lossy 64kbps MP3s, complete with buffering gaps for authenticity.
Genre: adhesive bullet hole stickers | Members: Jed Cooper, Jeb Cooper, Beb Cooper, Tad Cooper, Tad Cooper Sr., Lem Clearwater, Rick Coalminer, Zeke Benjaminfranklin | FFO: Five Finger Death Punch, Kid Rock‘s country material, true American freedom
Hot on the success of their debut album Machine Gun Biceps, Eight Stroke stand poised to decimate today’s modern hard rock scene with a sweaty, testosterone-drenched dose of manliness and their signature “[military slang] motherfucker!” attitude. Despite suffering a minor setback when their outspoken frontman was arrested for attempting to mail a poorly-concealed bomb to “the White House’s chief Zionist Illuminati puppet,” the band’s hit singles Lust For Hummers, Diesel Chug and 1000 Rounds of Freedom Per Minute continue to climb the charts.
Oh! The Daylights
Genre: post-DSBM shoetrancegaze | Members: Flan B’hole, Moz Elbowpatch, Serg Pickler | FFO: Wolves In The Throne Room, Liturgy, the No Fun Club
Insisting all listeners read his 500 page manifesto “Ashen Transcendence: A Tome For Post-DSBM Shoetrancegaze Initiation,” Flan B’hole is a Brooklyn artist that refuses to compromise anything for his forward-thinking music. Last minute live show cancellations are common; some reasons include “improper light/shadow ratio from artisinal whale oil lamps,” “crowd too enthusiastic, shoetrancegaze demands sobbing,” “had sip of non-gluten-free vegan cider, feeling ill,” “unwashed white shirt & women’s pants stage combo not working tonight, need American Apparel dumpster run,” “worried about plight of world’s honeybees.”
[6.91 x 10−27 kg/m3]
Genre: stars & shit tech death | Members: STARFALL-5000, GRAVOX-070, EXAPRIME-1, Chad Hastings | FFO: The Faceless, Origin, Rings of Saturn, blue/purple artwork with space worms
Composed of hyperintelligent AI beings from realms beyond our galaxy, [6.91 x 10−27 kg/m3] play the fastest, most technical death metal mathematically possible without access to a singularity drive. Their advanced quantum programming and supermaterial limbs allow them to reach geometric blast beats in excess of 400,000 bpm and sweeping weedlies at over six million notes per second (tabs here). The band’s lyrics are composed as a paean to galactic abominations witnessed on their far-flung home worlds. Guitarist EXAPRIME-1 has promised not to enslave humanity out of spite for its cushy existence as long as people share their bandcamp link and recommend them for local gigs. Currently, they are looking to replace their sole human member, Chad, who they say has trouble keeping tempo in Planck time.
Handshitter Fuck You
Genre: crust punk/hardcore | Members: Bad Side Meat, Life Garbage, Hot Marxism | FFO: Nausea, Amebix, Trap Them, clothing made entirely of patches
By purposefully filtering their names, song titles, lyrics and all communications through a woefully mediocre translation app, everything about this Osaka punk group is a mysterious word salad garble. HFY’s merch guy explains this is all part of their political stance that language is a manipulative tool of corrupt elitist scum, but their newest album Hors D’Oeuvre Condom Shelf unfortunately is no help in resolving the issue. When asked if their odd name and self-imposed language barrier has had any effect on their current US/Canada tour, their app had only this to say: “The holding of excrement that honors the sustenance. It is agreed. Where have we access to birds? Going there possibly. I penis hell with dearest family.”
Genre: raw black metal | Members: Ármóður Rød, Vilhjálmur Vester, Hákon Ljung, Eymundur Hög, Finnjón Blå | FFO: Misþyrming, Vemod, winter, perpetual darkness
Making a bold statement to the store-bought plasticity of today’s black metal scene, Iceland’s Íýðþærzlónörþsk are bringing forth a new dark age by living it each and every day. Making their home & rehearsal space on the smoldering black slopes of Grímsvötn in a large shack made of reclaimed wood from several burned churches, the five members have made a blood pact to record all their material onto homemade wax LPs pressed from rendered sheep fat, cod skin, mud and tundra scree. “Ït’s whät thë dårk wånts,” said drummer Hákon, lit by a glowing torch mounted on his grandfather’s tibia. Íýðþærzlónörþsk are seeking a temporary vocalist for touring after current singer Ármóður injured himself by swallowing his bullet belt in the interest of creating more horrific, haunting vocals.