Me Being a Failed Musician Has Nothing to Do With Why I Think Your Band Fucking Sucks

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Yeah, I’ve heard you all lauding over the new Crotch Monster release. Sure, it’s okay – I mean — if you don’t know anything about music. See, I know everything about music. I’m not your average metal blogger. I am a blogger with a rich musical background. I actually played guitar in bands, many bands. So believe me when I say this band fucking sucks and – unlike everybody else – I actually know what I’m talking about.

Oh, you haven’t heard of any of my music? Considering your pretty basic taste, (and my Bandcamp metrics) that’s not much of a surprise. Would a layman like you even know what the pentatonic scale is? Crotch Monster certainly does, being that’s the only place they exist. Yeah, I used to think music like theirs was pretty good, but then I got guitar lessons when I was 15.

Oh, what amp is he playing through live here in their Instagram I’m looking at again because why not… Haha, an Orange Rockerverb? Wow, how original. That and his Gibson Les Paul leads me to believe he’s just another trust fund kid making metal music on mommy and daddy’s dime. Money can’t buy talent and no matter how much you spend on guitars, amps, pedals and various other gear, tone is all in the hands. It’s no accident I’m making better music with cheaper gear than these wannabes ever could, but I can only assume it’s an accident everyone likes their music instead of mine.

Yeah, I bet I’d sell a couple hundred digital downloads too if I didn’t have a job or rent I had to pay and could spend each and every night pleading with record labels, PR companies and metal blogs to pass around my music like chlamydia. I’m hardly so shameless. I live by the mantra that good music promotes itself. If it’s actually worth people’s time, music fans will share it all for you. The fact that never once happened with any of my creative output is completely beside the point.

I have existed on every possible level of the metal scene: Basement shows, bar shows, friend’s birthdays, Brooklyn, you name it. I’ve seen a lot of bands come and go and I’ve heard it all before. The reason this blog publishes my work and reader’s appreciate it so much, is for that very fact; they cherish the premise and vast experience from which I speak. I’ll tell you right now, based on all the wonders I’ve witnessed, Crotch Monster is definitely nothing special. In fact I’ll go as far as to say HNGH — I’m sorry I chuckled, I just get all giddy before saying this, because it’s my favorite word ever — I’ll go as far as to say they’re OVERRATED.

What? They’re playing Maryland Deathfest? That’s not fair. That’s fucking bullshit.

We’ll see how good the promoter feels about putting them on the bill when they get a load of my fucking 2/5 review of their latest record. You think you narcissistic cucks are the only ones who can promote your content? Just wait until all of Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, YouTube, Reddit, 4Chan, Metal Archives, Pinterest, the Metal Amino App, Yahoo Messenger, MySpace, The Steam Forums, The Metal Sucks Comment Section, some poor girl on Tindr, and maybe even Google + finds out how generic and derivative your fucking overdistorted, off-time, basement scum metal music is in my savage take down of your latest “work”. Wherever there may be a positive conversation regarding Crotch Monster, expect me there. Expect me there to right the wrongs of heavy metal musical opinion. It’s not subjective. Crotch Monster is trash music. No one should like this band more than mine–I mean no one should like this band at all.

Are you serious? Kim Kelly did a piece on them? Wow. Well, I guess even a working clock is broken twice a day or however that goes.  I guess I’ll DM her another link to my Bandcamp, she must have overlooked it.

No, I am not biased. I’m amazed at the heroic leap you had to take to try and reach that conclusion. I’m actually just fully armed with the knowledge you don’t have. I really don’t get all the love this band gets or the hype surrounding them, and as I’ve already explained to you at length: I get everything. In fact, since I am a metal artist, you should value my opinion that much more. I know the struggles of being a musician; I know how hard it is to make a name for yourself in this volatile industry, especially since I haven’t. I sympathize totally with how much work it is to compose, practice, record and distribute your music. That’s why you should believe me even more so when I tell you that a band sucks. They have to suck so bad, that my sympathy for them as fellow artists goes right out the window. That it so happens that the members and I went to the same high school together means absolutely fuck all.

Yes, those guys were more popular than me back then too. What does that have anything to do with anything?

I’m not envious of Crotch Monster or any other act in the least bit. Yeah, Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber sell out arenas and their records go platinum but what; that makes their music automatically better than everybody else’s, right? A music artist’s popularity is completely arbitrary in terms of their quality of output. On second thought, I take it back; the more popular it is, the more it appeals to the general masses, which I’m pretty confident has to mean that it’s fucking stupid. However many more albums sold — or however many more fans Crotch Monster has over any act I’ve associated with in the past, present or future — is just indicative of how much they totally suck. If you disagree with this logic, then you soundly exposed yourself as a fan of pop music. Nice try, normie. Better luck next time.

They’re doing what next year? Yeah well, I never had to tour Europe just to get noticed. Some Russian bought my album once anyway, so big whoop, mission accomplished.

That settles it. With my confidence in myself and the reasons I make these claims unabashed, as well as my expertise going reasonably unchallenged; I can say with full confidence that Crotch Monster is a band that definitely fucking sucks. The reality that they are doing all the things I wanted to accomplish but failed to do as a musician and how it’s constantly getting thrown in my face every corner I turn has absolutely nothing to do with this position I’m taking.

Don’t even get me started on fucking SLAVES BC:


Special thanks to Josh Thieler of Slaves B.C and Twilight Fauna for the inspiration behind this latest post. Even if his music and all the positive reviews he gets for it gives me AIDS. No thanks whatsoever to the featured Twitter Users who submitted me positive reviews of Crotch Monster just to harass me.

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