MANOWAR Succumb to Falseness, Plan to Call it Quits

After four decades of fighting, Manowar are announcing one last tour before conceding defeat to wimps and posers.

Seldom few warriors possess the skill and ferocity to survive one battle, let alone almost forty years of all-out war. For those aged true metal warriors, they must make a choice: perish in glorious melee, or lay down their steel and shuffle off to Boca Raton. For Manowar, that time is nigh.

In a statement on Facebook this morning, Manowar have declared that they intend to pack it in and call it a career. Weep not, fans of colossally cheesy power metal and airbrushed abs, for the band has one last surprise before they into glory ride. The band is planning a worldwide farewell tour, dubbed appropriately THE FINAL BATTLE. Though no dates have been released, the tour will begin in Germany before branching across the globe, and presumably com 2 brasil.

I’ve never been too keen on power metal, so I reached out to some of the Toilet ov Hell’s own power metal enthusiasts to get their reaction to the news:

Randall Thor: “Metal is dying. There’s nothing left to live for.”
Masterlord Steeldragon: “For years now, Manowar’s insistence that I have the blood of the Kings has been the only reason for me to not believe my mother’s words that I’m nothing but trash clogging up the genetic gutter.”
Boss the Ross: [Uncontrollable sobbing]

This is truly a trying time for everyone. I leave you with the band’s official statement and my favorite Manowar tune.

 

 

 

 

Written by:

Published on: May 25, 2016

Filled Under: News

Views: 1896

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  • Sarah Lafayette

    I’m sure the fact that they sold so few of their overpriced US tour tickets and had to cancel shows has nothing to do with it. Trying to gouge support bands $6,000 per show is just the norm when you’re a band like MANOWAR. I’m also sure that banning anyone who talks about it from their Facebook page is a solid business plan.

    • daaaaaaaaaayum!

    • I was peeping some of their videos a month or so back and I was wildly surprised how racy some of them were. I was not impressed.

      GL

      • Dubs

        THERE’S NOTHING RACY ABOUT MUSCULAR, OILED MEN GESTICULATING AND SWINGING THEIR STEEL. THAT’S JUST SHOWMANSHIP!

        • Edward/Breegrodamus™

          The Dubs talking in all caps is a rare occurrence indeed.

          • Dubs

            IT’S MORE TRUE IF I YELL IT.

        • Vault Dweller

          I feared this day; Bandall Thor has possessed Dubya’s soul.

        • You just dropped the truthhammer.

        • more beer

          Old men in loincloths Gaahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They a making the best decision possible.

        • Nina Osegueda

          I agree wholeheartedly.

    • Eliza

      I never got why concerts get cancelled because of how few tickets were sold. At least show up for the people who paid their hard earned money for the tickets, even if they aren’t so many.

      • Pentagram Sam

        Cool story I heard from a room mate at Prog Power: He’s a Danish dude and the band Pretty Maids is from Denmark too so he’s seen em alot. One show it was him and like 7 other people in the crowd. After the band came out with a one-two punch of songs, they just said fuck it and started taking requests all night. Of course there were some songs asked that they didn’t remember how to do, but it was basically a private, choose the setlist show.

        Then the next week they played a big ass Euro fest for thousands.

        Such is life, or something

        • Eliza

          If only some other bands would hear this story…

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          That is phenomenal.

    • That’s a sick burn, Sarah. Way to go! It seems those warriors are masked kings of greed, we need to assemble a party to dethrone the false emperors.

    • brokensnow

      they didnt Fair much better in clevland.

    • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow
  • Metallica wins.

  • Dubs

    I PROPOSE THAT WE COMMIT RITUAL SUICIDE AND HAVE OUR ORGANS SEGREGATED INTO COPTIC JARS SO THAT WE MAY TAKE PART IN THE SACRED SARCOPHAGUS BURIAL RITUAL AND JOIN LORD DEMAIO AND HIS CATS ON HIS JOURNEY THROUGH THE AFTERLIFE TO EGYPTIAN VALHALLA!

  • I cannot wait for all four of the band members to form *new* power metal bands, with the intention of somehow being “big and better”.

    lolbuttz.

    GL

    • Eliza

      I doubt that will actually happen.

      • I bet you five internet dollars, 3 getcha pulls, and a vape pen, that is does. lol

        • Eliza

          Even if they do, they will probably take their time until these incidents fade away from the collective memory.

        • Dubs

          VAPE PENS ARE ORAL FIXATIONS FOR THE FALSE. TRUE WARRIORS SMOKE PURE ASH AND SULFUR THROUGH THE HOLLOWED FIBULAS OF THEIR SLAIN NEMESES!

          • You can just go ahead and have all my upvotes for the rest of today.

        • tertius_decimus

          My take is how laughable they all 4 would be compared to A7X, Dream Theater and countless near-DT projects.

          *BALLOONS AND CLOWNS*

          CLAP CLAP

    • Karl lives in Charlotte…

  • Mother Shabubu

    I don’t know about you guys, but now I’m MANOWORRIED about our Randall Thor.

    • “I believe in the fans. I believe in metal more than anybody you’ve ever met.
      And another thing, I’m prepared to die for metal. Are you?”
      – Joey DeMaio, during a 2006 interview with Rock Hard Magazine.

      RIP in pedacitos, Randallito Toro.

      • Dubs

        LAST NIGHT LORD DEMAIO CAME TO ME IN A VISION. UPON HIS BROW WAS A CROWN OF FEMURS TAKEN FROM THE BROKEN BODIES OF THE FALSE. WITH A VOICE THAT SOUNDED LIKE ANGELS WEEPING, HE YELLED, “MY SON, FEAR NOT, FOR DEATH IS BUT THE TRANSITION TO THE NEXT BATTLE. THERE WILL BE NO TEARS, ONLY GLORY!” THEN HE GAVE ME A BOWL OF PUNCH AND SOME PILLS AND TOLD ME TO SPREAD THE GOSPEL OF HIS ASCENSION. OUR BACKS MUST BE THE STEPS UPON WHICH HE CLIMBS THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN.

      • Mother Shabubu

        The anime Malandro falls.

    • EsusMoose

      Now that’s a slam head on table pun right there

    • tertius_decimus

      HE STILL HAS HIS POWERGLOVE!

    • I’m really bummed. I’m at MDF and with my friends but every time i remember this, it’s really sad.

  • Joaquin Stick

    But what will happen to their interns!?!?!?!

    • EsusMoose

      They’ll fight to the death to show their devotion to their lords

    • Unpaid internship. No severance 🙁

      • Mosh Hoff

        No Gods, No Severance.

      • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

        The severance package includes their used assless chaps, a signed bottle of baby oil, and furry boots after the tour is done.

    • Stockhausen

      I think I read they’ll be buried alive with them after the tour.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        oh shit…

        • Dubs

          FEAR NOT, BOSS. THIS SERPENT SPEAKS WITH FORKED TONGUE TO SOW FEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF THE BRAVE. LET THE BURNING LOVE OF LORD DEMAIO MELT AWAY THE ICY TENDRILS OF FEAR THAT GRIP YOUR HEART AND LOINS.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            I WILL STRIVE TO FIGHT THE WORLD AND RID THE MOUNTAINS OF THIS EVIL WITH MY STEEL!

          • WHAT ABOUT FAYTHE? SHOULD WE HAVE FAYTHE?

            PLZ RSPND O’ LOUD TALKER,

            GL

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            There is no reason to have Faythe anymore

  • I did not care much for Manowar, but this song is unfuckwithable.

    GL

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpvUqzPixAU

    • EsusMoose

      I’ve only heard so many of songs and enjoyed what I’ve heard so I think it’s time to binge some of their catalog and truly ascend out of posery

      • Dubs

        YOU WERE BORN A CORGI BUT TODAY YOU BECOME A MANTICORGI!

        • CT-12

          CAPS!!!! >>>>>>> bitch-made lower case

    • CT-12

      Man, wish they’d upload a drum playthrough of this song! hahaha

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    *Through sniffles and sobs* I fucking love that cover! *Goes back to sobbing*

    • Eliza

      It’s okay, you’ll be fine.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        I have Ross the Boss and the first 6 Manowar albums. I’m more than fine!

        • Eliza

          That’s the attitude! See, you’re already feeling better.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      You need a hug.

  • Now there’s an opening for a new band of Magic Mike’s to play metal while wearing banana hammocks. Start liftin’ and oilin’ up bros!!!!

  • I believe the title would be improved by changing it to “MANOWAR Finds Their Humanity, Ends Miserable Existence”

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    In all seriousness though. ROSS THE BOSS has a bad ass new singer and shuld be working on new music very soon! HAIL TRUE METAL WARRIOR ROSS FRIEDMAN!!!

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    quitters never win, and winners never quit

    • Dubs

      THE BRONZE BODIES OF ETERNAL SPLENDOR MAY ONLY BE GAINED THROUGH THE RITUAL SACRIFICE OF OUR MORTAL COILS. ONLY BY FEINTING DEATH AND ALLOWING THE REAPER TO LAND A TEMPORARY BLOW WILL WE RISE TO GREATER HEIGHTS OF GLORY AND VICTORY. AS LORD DEMAIO SAYS, “TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE!”

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Sic transit gloria mundi…

  • tertius_decimus

    Men o what?

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      MANOWAR!

      • tertius_decimus

        POZAHS!

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          TRULY YOU WILL FEEL MY STEEL!

          • tertius_decimus

            DOWNVOTED WITH THE POWER OF MY PLASTIC MOUSE OF FATE!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            UPVOTED BECAUSE I ALWAYS LOOK ABOVE TO GLORY!

          • tertius_decimus

            TO THE VOID WE GO!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            RIDE WITH ME BROTHER!

          • *Summons Void Griffin*

            *Rolls 1d20 to tame it*

            *2+1*

            *Summoned Void Griffin goes in rampage and kills everyone with advantage bonus*

            DEAD.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Level up.

    • Men At Work

      • tertius_decimus

        Misoginy speaks.

    • brokensnow
      • tertius_decimus

        Headbanging to that beat.

    • Guacamole Jim

      Are we not men?

  • Special Agent Dale Cooper

    Good, they were shit anyway.

    • Bow before my Steel you filthy fucking poser

      • Special Agent Dale Cooper

        I’d rather not, but thanks for the offer.
        Also, I take exception to the ‘filthy fucking poser’ comment. Not only am I quite clean, but you also spelled poseur wrong. If you’re going to accurately describe me, you could at least do it with the correct spelling.

        • You’re not worth the additional u

          • Special Agent Dale Cooper

            Yeah I know, it would just be nice, is all. But I see you’re too busy destroying poseurs, so lets just agree to disagree and be on our way, OK?

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      TRULY YOU WILL BE STRUCK DOWN BY MY STEEL!

  • Scrimm

    Less power metal is not a bad thing 😉

    • Dubs

      AS THE GOOD BOOK OF DEMAIO SAYS, “AND THE SECOND BEAST OF THE FALSE REQUIRED ALL PEOPLE SMALL AND GREAT, RICH AND POOR, FREE AND SLAVE, TO RECEIVE A MARK ON THEIR RIGHT HAND OR ON THEIR FOREHEAD, SO THAT ONE ONE COULD BUY OR SELL POSER TRASH UNLESS HE HAD THE MARK – THE NAME OF NOPE OF THE NUMBER OF NOPE’S NAME.”

      • “THE NAME OF NOPE OF THE NUMBER OF NOPE’S NAME”

        HAHHAHAAHAHHAHAHAAHH BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

        • Dubs

          WHOAH TO YOU OH EARTH AND SEA, FOR THE POSER SENDS THE NOPE WITH WRATH, FOR HE KNOWS HIS TIME IS SHORT.

        • Scrimm

          🙁

      • Scrimm

        You’re on a roll today. Wait, you just called me a poser…

      • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

        So that One One could buy or sell poser trash? Is One One an And One side project or something? :-p

    • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow
  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    RIP Manowar. Metal as we know it has ended.

  • Don’t talk to me about manowar or makes jokes to me for a while 🙁

  • Waynecro

    I never really got into Manowar, but I took comfort in knowing that the band was a thing.

    • any time i lost a little faith in heavy metal, i just put on a Manowar song and made it all better

  • Max

    Manowar’s farewell world tour: Germany, Japan, Milwaukee, Germany.

  • Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow
  • Ayreonaut

    But…
    Fun fact, they are from auburn, NY.
    that is where I grew up as a child haha… A bad city that has been going downhill for the past 4 decades, but tries to hold onto its past glory and history, akin to manowar themselves.
    My friend told me that he went to a filming of one of their music videos, where they had a crowd in the background. So few people showed up (it was free) that the whole crowd had to keep moving so that when the video panned it looked like there were way more people there.
    Lol.
    A local hardcore band named if hope dies’ drummer was the son of a member. It seems everyone in auburn is related to someone from manowar somehow