Make Your Own Pizza Ov Hell

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Any able human who cannot cook for themselves is not a human at all.

In the proud tradition of those who have cooked before me (namely Dr. Dubs, Bestest Chip Dip & everyone’s favourite malandro slayer, Link) I would like to share with you the method for the reptilian pizza ov hell.

Just as metal has sub-genres within genres, the cooking prowess of the flushing community will surely be divided into groups. Now I’m going to address you all in three distinctly different ways, if you think the option doesn’t apply to you move on to the next.

Firstly, those who already make their own pizza base from scratch using yeast, congratulations, skip ahead to the recipe. After reading about how I’m doing it wrong differently, go ahead and disqus the finer points of crust.

Secondly, those who already make their own ‘pizza’ at home using some sort of pita bread or pre-bought base, you’re not making pizza. You’re essentially decorating a hot loaf of lies. Once you take this next step, you’ll never need to bother mucking around with that juvenile shit again.

Lastly, to those who question the point of making pizza at all. Sure, you can just call up some multi-national conglomerate and sit there fondling your own flaccid existence while you wait to fork over your hard earned cash (that could be better spent on bandcamp). Be my guest, hell, I used to do the same (read the appendix to this column for why I stopped doing that). But really, is metal about being a miserable failure, beholden to your corporate masters and letting life get the better of you? No, not for me, it’s about taking charge and doing something worthwhile for once.

The most requested topping combo I devised (the ‘Chong’) is what I’ve used here but you can top with whatever you prefer. Let’s get this started, everything you will need can be sourced at a standard supermarket.

Base Ingredients:

(Makes 2 pizzas)

4 cups of flour (plain/wheat)

¼ cup of oil (Olive oil is the go)

1tsp salt

at least 20gms/0.7oz dry yeast (might be labelled Baker’s Yeast at your shop)

2 tsp tablespoon sugar (I use brown sugar)

Base sauce:

400gm/14oz. can of diced tomatoes

1-3 cloves of garlic

¼ cup of tomato paste

Herbs (I use a mix of basil, oregano & thyme. You can use dry herbs from the store but fresh is best, easy to grow too)

‘Chong’ Toppings:

Red capsicum

Kalamata olives (pitted is better)

Sour cream

Cheese (I buy a mix of Mozarella, Parmesan & Cheddar)

Base Method:

1) Stir sugar into ½ cup of room temperature water

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2) Add yeast into the sugary water to proof, leave until mixture becomes frothy

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3) Meanwhile, sift 4 cups of flour into a large bowl

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4) Make a well in the center with a wooden spoon, sprinkle the salt around the sides of the bowl

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5) Add 1 cup of tepid (room temp) water to the well along with the ¼ cup of oil

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6) When the yeast mix is frothing/bubbly on top pour it into the well too

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7) Get your hands dirty and mix/knead it all together (if it feels too sticky/wet = add flour, too dry = add water)

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8) Lightly coat the edges of the bowl with some more oil, cover with a cloth and leave in a warm spot to rise (can be used immediately but much better if you let it rise for an hour or so)

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9) Once risen, lightly dust an area of your bench with some flour (use the sieve) about the size of a pizza (30cms/1ft.)

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10) Using your rolling pin to work the dough into a circle on the flour dust, flipping sides every so often.

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Sauce Method:

1) Combine tomatoes, crushed garlic and tomato paste in a medium saucepan.

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2) Bring to simmering point and reduce heat, add herbs (a mezzaluna is great for cutting herbs).

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3) Leave to reduce until sauce thickens, stirring occasionally to prevent sticking.

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Cook that shit:

Preheat your oven to the hottest it will go, mine goes to 250°C (482°F). I use fan-forced to get a more even bake and as some of you are surely already aware, I’m all about an even bake. If you are using a pizza stone, you should put it in the oven while pre-heating.

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Place your pizza bases on the oven trays/pizza stone.

Turn the edges up slightly so you get a nice crust to grab a hold of and stop the toppings spilling over.

Use a small spatula (or the back of a spoon) to spread the thickened sauce over the bases. I’m doing a half/half for the one on the left. The half without the tomato sauce will just be drizzled with olive oil, herbs & some cheese.

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Add your toppings and cook for 12-15 minutes or until the crust is all golden.

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Once you have them in the oven, the work is out of the way. You know what to do now to prepare for the feast.

Hail pizza! If your oven is like mine you may have to spin the trays around at the halfway point to get a more even bake. After 12-15 minutes get your mitts on and get those suckas out of there.

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Make sure you disregard all reason and logic by eating them immediately, thus removing the entirety of that useless upper palate. That, or put it on a plate, take a photo and post it on the internet, thereby completing your metamorphosis into a supreme wanker, like some profound fharcwit several people here know.

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So go and cook a pizza you shit human fine citizens of Earth.

Appendix: The reason I started to make my own pizza dough goes back to one weekend when a few drunken friends and I ordered some pizzas for delivery from a company that shall remain nameless, after eating about half of my pizza I felt an odd crunch in between my molars. I dropped them once more for a cautionary chew and found that same crunchy substance. Upon spitting out the fateful mouthful I saw shards of glass. The bastards fed me glass. I’m actually glad it happened now because once you start making your own, you never look back. Tweaking the recipe towards your preference(s) will be much more satisfying than finding another shop to fund.

(Photo via)

(Photo via)

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