Make Your Own Pizza Ov Hell

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Any able human who cannot cook for themselves is not a human at all.

In the proud tradition of those who have cooked before me (namely Dr. Dubs, Bestest Chip Dip & everyone’s favourite malandro slayer, Link) I would like to share with you the method for the reptilian pizza ov hell.

Just as metal has sub-genres within genres, the cooking prowess of the flushing community will surely be divided into groups. Now I’m going to address you all in three distinctly different ways, if you think the option doesn’t apply to you move on to the next.

Firstly, those who already make their own pizza base from scratch using yeast, congratulations, skip ahead to the recipe. After reading about how I’m doing it wrong differently, go ahead and disqus the finer points of crust.

Secondly, those who already make their own ‘pizza’ at home using some sort of pita bread or pre-bought base, you’re not making pizza. You’re essentially decorating a hot loaf of lies. Once you take this next step, you’ll never need to bother mucking around with that juvenile shit again.

Lastly, to those who question the point of making pizza at all. Sure, you can just call up some multi-national conglomerate and sit there fondling your own flaccid existence while you wait to fork over your hard earned cash (that could be better spent on bandcamp). Be my guest, hell, I used to do the same (read the appendix to this column for why I stopped doing that). But really, is metal about being a miserable failure, beholden to your corporate masters and letting life get the better of you? No, not for me, it’s about taking charge and doing something worthwhile for once.

The most requested topping combo I devised (the ‘Chong’) is what I’ve used here but you can top with whatever you prefer. Let’s get this started, everything you will need can be sourced at a standard supermarket.

Base Ingredients:

(Makes 2 pizzas)

4 cups of flour (plain/wheat)

¼ cup of oil (Olive oil is the go)

1tsp salt

at least 20gms/0.7oz dry yeast (might be labelled Baker’s Yeast at your shop)

2 tsp tablespoon sugar (I use brown sugar)

Base sauce:

400gm/14oz. can of diced tomatoes

1-3 cloves of garlic

¼ cup of tomato paste

Herbs (I use a mix of basil, oregano & thyme. You can use dry herbs from the store but fresh is best, easy to grow too)

‘Chong’ Toppings:

Red capsicum

Kalamata olives (pitted is better)

Sour cream

Cheese (I buy a mix of Mozarella, Parmesan & Cheddar)

Base Method:

1) Stir sugar into ½ cup of room temperature water

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2) Add yeast into the sugary water to proof, leave until mixture becomes frothy

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3) Meanwhile, sift 4 cups of flour into a large bowl

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4) Make a well in the center with a wooden spoon, sprinkle the salt around the sides of the bowl

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5) Add 1 cup of tepid (room temp) water to the well along with the ¼ cup of oil

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6) When the yeast mix is frothing/bubbly on top pour it into the well too

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7) Get your hands dirty and mix/knead it all together (if it feels too sticky/wet = add flour, too dry = add water)

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8) Lightly coat the edges of the bowl with some more oil, cover with a cloth and leave in a warm spot to rise (can be used immediately but much better if you let it rise for an hour or so)

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9) Once risen, lightly dust an area of your bench with some flour (use the sieve) about the size of a pizza (30cms/1ft.)

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10) Using your rolling pin to work the dough into a circle on the flour dust, flipping sides every so often.

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Sauce Method:

1) Combine tomatoes, crushed garlic and tomato paste in a medium saucepan.

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2) Bring to simmering point and reduce heat, add herbs (a mezzaluna is great for cutting herbs).

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3) Leave to reduce until sauce thickens, stirring occasionally to prevent sticking.

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Cook that shit:

Preheat your oven to the hottest it will go, mine goes to 250°C (482°F). I use fan-forced to get a more even bake and as some of you are surely already aware, I’m all about an even bake. If you are using a pizza stone, you should put it in the oven while pre-heating.

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Place your pizza bases on the oven trays/pizza stone.

Turn the edges up slightly so you get a nice crust to grab a hold of and stop the toppings spilling over.

Use a small spatula (or the back of a spoon) to spread the thickened sauce over the bases. I’m doing a half/half for the one on the left. The half without the tomato sauce will just be drizzled with olive oil, herbs & some cheese.

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Add your toppings and cook for 12-15 minutes or until the crust is all golden.

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Once you have them in the oven, the work is out of the way. You know what to do now to prepare for the feast.

Hail pizza! If your oven is like mine you may have to spin the trays around at the halfway point to get a more even bake. After 12-15 minutes get your mitts on and get those suckas out of there.

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Make sure you disregard all reason and logic by eating them immediately, thus removing the entirety of that useless upper palate. That, or put it on a plate, take a photo and post it on the internet, thereby completing your metamorphosis into a supreme wanker, like some profound fharcwit several people here know.

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So go and cook a pizza you shit human fine citizens of Earth.

Appendix: The reason I started to make my own pizza dough goes back to one weekend when a few drunken friends and I ordered some pizzas for delivery from a company that shall remain nameless, after eating about half of my pizza I felt an odd crunch in between my molars. I dropped them once more for a cautionary chew and found that same crunchy substance. Upon spitting out the fateful mouthful I saw shards of glass. The bastards fed me glass. I’m actually glad it happened now because once you start making your own, you never look back. Tweaking the recipe towards your preference(s) will be much more satisfying than finding another shop to fund.

(Photo via)

(Photo via)

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  • Tyree
  • EsusMoose

    Glass pizza would be a good band name

    • Lacertilian

      Hardcore, possibly sXe?

      • EsusMoose

        yeah sounds about right I was say some punk group

  • Ouch, poor Lizard, what did you did with the bastards that sent you pizza with glass? D:

    If I ever have the conditions and the ingredients I would like to try making this. I will store the article if that time comes. Thanks for sharing this and these lacertilliancore songs 😉

    Also, yeah, I like to kill some malandros!

    DIE MALANDRO!
    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O_fmhLHA-Ns/VWvR-jBG9mI/AAAAAAAALdg/rffDI8TTaqo/s1600/jon%2Bsnow%2Bwhite%2Bwalker%2B2.gif

    • Tyree
      • EsusMoose

        Those kids probably wouldn’t look quite as dead if they had some of this pizza.

        • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

          *slides them over a Little Caesar’s Hot N Ready to warm them up*

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            Can it be one of their delicious pretzel pizzas?

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            They have those?!?!? I know where I’m going after I get paid tomorrow! LC’s is my favorite (and yes you pizza snobs, I’m from a pizza-driven city and have had the fancy shit).

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            They used to, I’m not sure if they still do. They’re the goddamn best. I love their pizza as well but the pretzel pizza has cheddar cheese sauce on the pizza and pepperoni. God, I’m making myself hungry.

          • Óðhinn

            That pretzel pizza was actually pretty tasty.

          • KJM

            I would sooner eat store-bought pizza, and I actually do. $5 for an edible pizza I can make at home is bearable once in a while.

          • Óðhinn
          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Red Baron and Tombstone are reasonable for the price, which isn’t saying much. If Fruschetta’s Hawaiian pizzas are on sale tomorrow, I might grab one. Pineapple and ham on pizza >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • Stanley

            Putting pineapple on a pizza should result in a public flogging.

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Putting pineapple on a pizza should result in shrines and eternal gratitude.

            FTFY

          • Lacertilian

            NO.

          • Things you’ve admitted to liking:
            Rob Schneider
            Jay Leno
            Little Ceasar’s pizza.

            Taste is subjective and all but damn dude.

          • KJM

            I would sooner eat a Little Caesar’s pizza than watch Jay Leno interviewing Rob Schneider.

          • I think I’d rather pull a Masterlord and off myself before dealing with any of them.

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs
          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Look below. Feliz navidad!

          • KJM

            -___-

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Joe is probably getting all giggly and girly watching it! Rob in drag may actually make him forget all about his wife (Tay Tay).

          • Tyree

            Hates Darkthrone.

          • ME GROG™

            GROG LIKE BLACK METAL!!!!! GROG NOT LIKE DARKTHRONE!!!!!

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Grog is good man with good taste! For you:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGpQg6DWvAY

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Likes Scab though!

          • ME GROG™

            BEST KOREA MUST BE WEIRD PLACE!!!!!!

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs
          • ME GROG™

            RIGHT NOW IN GROG CAVE!!!!!

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Grog is killing Al Quaeda in their own caves!

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            I know, it’s hard being such a magnificent, splendid epicurean such as myself! The world could learn from my supreme example.

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Oh and you almost forgot, my favorite beers are Milwaukee’s Best and Schlitz.

          • more beer

            I guess since they are already dead it doesn’t matter.

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            It’ll bring them back to life, like those old Nestea commercials.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6tQsfm0hbA

      • MoshOff

        Dude, best FX on the show so far. Fuckin’ chilling.

      • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

        What show is that?

        • Tyree

          Cheers.

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Lol, I would’ve loved to see an undead Norm finally chomp down on everyone! Especially Frasier, who was annoying as fuck.

        • Game of Thrones, my friend.

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Ah. I haven’t made it that far. I got up to Episode 4, then had to restart my whole computer. So I lost the link that someone on here gave me where I can watch it for free.

      • Óðhinn
    • KJM

      Jon Snow sez “FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID HORNS!!!”

      • Since I finally found the gif I will use it everytime I need to express my malandro killing instincts <3

        • KJM

          It’s too cold beyond the wall for most malandros.

          • I don’t know how they survive! But, they’re really like white walkers, they’re everywhere, they’re deadly and they have horns.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Self-made pizza>>>>>>>>>
    Almost never order anymore.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I suck ass at making yeast work. I think it hates me. The only time it worked was when I made wine (mmmmmmmmmmm). But I’ll give this a go!

    • Herr Schmitty

      On the plus side, you’ll never stumble into an unidentified yeast infection!

    • Lacertilian

      Yeast Tips:
      Keep it in the fridge once you’ve opened it.
      Don’t add salt or anything like that directly to it.
      Don’t be tempted to use too much sugar to proof it (higher specific gravity = bad).
      Keep it warm while proofing.
      Cover it with a cloth.
      Have experience brewing.

      I’m just going through some potential problems, I’ve never really had a problem. Maybe it’s too cold in Canada for the little fuckers?

  • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

    Pizza is the one food that unites us all. I’ve had vegan pizza that was just as delicious as normal pizza. Except St. Louis. You shitty people and your shitty pizza can get fucked.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bqs_ommimY

    • I had some great vegan pizza in NYC last week. Shit was the bomb!

      • I eat Vegans

      • more beer

        I always liked that pizzeria. On the corner of Ave. A and St. Marks Place. It could have been I was drunk and hungry. After a night of drinking on Lower East Side but always thought it was excellent.

        • John’s was the name of the spot. I don’t remember the location, I was drinking fine ass craft beers all day!

          • more beer

            It doesn`t matter where you are if you`re drinking fine ass craft beers!

    • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

      St. Louis sucks period, even before the all out chaos there.

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      No offense to any St Louis based Toileteers but St Louis food is awful.

      • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

        No, I want offense. St. Louis is awful. A city stuck in like 1960.

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          Not even. They have the racist tendencies of the 50’s with the worst “cuisine” of any place not named Cleveland or Detroit.

        • falso

      • I’m very surprised with the collective St. Louis bashing o.o)

        • Come to St. Louis!

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Been there several times, and it sucks monkey balls. Not as bad as Baltimore, but close.

          • and you didn’t call me?!?!

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Last time I was through was October 2013, so didn’t even know you lol.

          • that’s no excuse! we could have got imo’s together, drank tons of bud light, and then got white castle

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            And then you could’ve practiced some sweet sweet butt sex.

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Nah, I’ll be too busy selling your booty hole to every man in Sweden.

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            What’s imos?

          • wonderful st. louis style pizza

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Oh!

          • more beer

            I’m very disappointed in your beverage choice. You can do better than that.

          • Nothing is better than Bud Light…..
            Ok I kid. Its the worst

          • more beer

            That’s much better. I had faith in you.

          • Come to Venezuela! jejejeje m/

      • incorrect

      • more beer

        That’s because N.Y. pizza can not be fucked with.

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          Agreed. NY makes the best pizza. Chicago based Toileteers may disagree but NY pizza is the best.

          • more beer

            Yep if you want a thick pizza sicilian is the way to go.

    • wrong

  • Next time I order pizza (too lazy/incompetent to make it for myself) I am going to DEMAND that they cut it in the form of an inverted pentagram. I’ll even pay extra.

    • Lacertilian

      I’ve led the horse to water, you stayed at the stable.

      (Still like your idea)

  • Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo

    I just ate dinner and now I’m hungry again. sniff

    • EsusMoose

      I need to make lunch and though I want pasta, pizza is silently whispering its beautiful lies into my stomach’s ear.

  • KJM

    I have way too much good pizza in my neighborhood to bother with making it myself, most of it independently owned.

  • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

    Damn, this looks good! And definitely high on the acidity factor, which I love (might throw on some anchovies whenever I make this). AND BONGRIPPER RUUUUUUULES!

    • Lacertilian

      post some pics on the group if you do.

      • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

        Will do, hijo de Chopper! 😉
        I talked about the idea of a cooking post with the bosses, and think I’ll go ahead with it. Flipping through some of my recipes that aren’t too difficult, and ones that everyone can make.

  • Stanley

    Topping of choice when I fancy something a little different.

    BBQ sauce from a bottle
    cooked sliced chicken breast
    red onion
    smoked gouda

    Sprinkle some fresh cilantro (coriander) on top when it comes out of the oven.

    • Tyree

      I put red onions in everything I cook. They are best on pizza for sure though.

      Do you like mushrooms at all? Sauteed mushrooms on a pizza are great.

      • Herr Schmitty

        I get this frozen potato/vegetable mix with mushrooms and some greens from Trader Joes. For like $2, you get a big bag of shit to stir fry and the mushrooms/potatoes are damn good. With a main course and that as a side, you can feed yourself and a special someone for like $6 and be full.

        http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZiBEh5HMQ8o/UCfQc2-f5MI/AAAAAAAAXyo/kUPSPkgQXQs/s1600/IMG_3983.JPG

        • J.R.

          HA! Jokes on you! The special person in my life does not into food at all! Guess I get to be double full!

          *sobs bc no one to pursue exciting taste adventures with*

      • Stanley

        Mushrooms are the business. Favorite mushroom recipe.

        16oz Mushrooms sliced
        fresh thyme (pull the leaves of a few sprigs and chop it up a bit)
        1/2 tsp black pepper
        olive oil
        good loaf of farmhouse bread.
        salt

        Fry mushrooms, thyme and pepper in a little oo until all the water is gone and mushrooms go brown.
        Slice good crusty bread into 3/4 inch thick slices.
        Brush slices of bread with oo and grill.
        When toasted, spread the fried mushrooms on the toasts and sprinkle with a little fleur de sel.

        Magic happens!

      • Lacertilian

        I grow my own mushrooms if you know what I mean
        *wink wink, nudge nudge say no more say no more*

    • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

      Goat cheese, carmalized onions, various mushrooms, garlic. BOOM. My favorite white pizza.

    • Lacertilian

      When I go chicken on the pizza I do a peri-peri sorta one:

      ripped up chicken breast from a charcoal chicken
      Red Onion
      Red Capsicum
      Sour cream (less than you can see in the Chong)
      Peri-Peri sauce (I make one using cayenne & Portuguese chilli seasoning).
      Cheese sparingly.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        You shaped your pizza wrong

        • Lacertilian

          Pizza dong!

        • Óðhinn

          That’s Pete’s ah…..

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Nailed it

  • “decorating a hot loaf of lies” pretty much sums up my life.

    • Tyree

      End your life already.

    • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

      *pinches a hot loaf of beer and fiber*

  • sweetooth0

    Sour cream on pizza. No.

    vomits.

    • Tyree

      Sour cream in general is vomit inducing.

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      I prefer ranch on pizza. *leaves the hall to a chorus of boos*

      • sweetooth0

        white sauces are sickening

      • Tyree

        WHAT!!!???!!!

      • Stockhausen

        You should move to Oklahoma. Weirdos out here put that crap on everything.

        • Tyree

          Oklacoma.

        • I knew some dudes from St Louis who did that too. They even put ranch on fucking ribs and baked beans!

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            They do it alot in Chicago too. And no, I don’t know the reasoning behind the no ketchup rule there.

      • J.R.

        1000 island >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ranch

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          BOOOOOOOOO!

          • J.R.

            I was taking out the trash at some camp once and the garbage bag i was lifting into the dumpster split open and covered me in ranch and nacho cheese. I still love nacho cheese, but my mild dislike for ranch grew into a BURNINATING ALL CONSUMING TRIGGER WARNING WRAAUUGHHH kind of dislike for it.

            Also Thousand Island tastes the best.

    • Lacertilian

      It’s ok, you can be soft and just add 100s & 1000s

  • FUKKBEARD

    Glass pizzas so much more metal, tho

  • Maik Beninton
  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    Here’s my recipe for Diamond Dallas’ Pizza. It’s basically a regular pizza but the tomato sauce is replaced with Alfredo sauce and the cheese and toppings are different.

    Ingredients

    Lacertillian’s pizza dough (recipe above)
    Pepper jack cheese
    Mushrooms
    Jalapenos
    Ham
    Pepperoni

    Alfredo sauce

    1 stick of butter
    3 cups of cream
    3 cups Parmesan cheese
    1 tsp salt
    1 tsp pepper

    • Tyree
      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        I never said it was healthy! Plus, I like white pizza so this is a way to spice that up.

        • Sir Tapir the Based™

          You like white pizza? What’s wrong with black pizza?

    • Maik Beninton

      Alfredo sauce?

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        That’s what my recipe calls for. I’m not a giant fan of the pizza I make with tomato sauce so I’m replacing it with Alfredo sauce.

        • Maik Beninton

          I call that white sauce, and I prefer that on pasta but never ate it on pizza.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            It’s a delicious idea. It’s even more delicious than the pretzel pizza from Little Caesars.

          • Maik Beninton

            Dude, I’m brazillian, and I never heard of Little Caesars.

          • Guacamole Jim

            You are a lucky man.

          • Maik Beninton

            That moment when I say I’ve never heard of something and someone call me a lucky guy.

          • ME GROG™

            GROG TRY LITTLE CAESAR “PIZZA” AFTER WAKE UP FROM ICE NAP!!!!! THEN GROG VOMIT!!!!!!

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            Don’t listen to him, he’s evil and filled with hatred against all things yummy (including tendies)! And he likes making kittens and puppies cry while he eats raw DiGiorno’s pizza crust.

            What kind of pizza do they have in Brazil?

          • Maik Beninton

            My favorite places are Pizza Hut and King Pizza. I’m pretty sure most of the menu is the same.

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            http://www.killthehydra.com/wp-content/uploads/get-out-fancy-gif1.gif

            You’re kind is not wanted here, you Hot N Ready hating heathen!

    • Tyree

      So wat, do you just throw a stick of butter on the pizza? And how can you fit 3 cups of cream and Parmesan cheese plus Alfredo on a pizza? Seems made up.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        No, you make the Alfredo yourself. That’s what the cream and Parmesan are for. You put that on the pizza and you put pepper jack cheese on top of the Alfredo. You put the toppings of your choice on it and put in in the oven.

        • Stanley

          So you replace the only healthy part of the pizza (tomato sauce) with alfredo? Fuck me sideways!

        • Guacamole Jim

          But dude.. 1 stick of butter and 3 cups of cream? That’s not sauce, that’s like dumping a pot of soup on top of your pizza. 1/2 cup of cream and a heaping spoonful of butter would be all you’d need.

          • Tyree

            Exactly my thought.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            Maybe that was a little too much. I’ll change the measurements.

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

            I agree with you, and had to make sauces from scratch for about 8 years. 1 stick of butter and 3 cups of cream would be even too much for fettuccine! That’d be more along the lines of a crem brulee!

  • Óðhinn
  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    both at once–full vol
    https://youtu.be/CJEoASUMZbI

    -https://youtu.be/mREi_Bb85Sk

  • ME GROG™

    GROG HUNT DINNER!!!!!! GROG MAKE FIRE!!!! FIRE HOT!!!!! COOK BEAR!!!!!

  • Guppusmaximus

    Has anyone even bothered to say how great this article was?! Great Job…reptilian ov the bowl!

    • Óðhinn

      Yes, Good point. Great job, Lacertilian.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjKppQYYW9Q

      • Lacertilian

        Thanks and to you too @Brian_aka_Guppusmaximus:disqus
        This is really easy to make and is above average the next day or two for leftovers, try it out.

  • Herr Schmitty

    OH YES: LACERTILIAN COOKING COLUMN, I AM ALL IN ON THIS

  • Damn fine receipe here. Gonna share this with the wife and see if we can chef one up one day.

  • Óðhinn
  • no beer pizza crust?!?! for shame

  • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

    Now and then, I like putting some cottage cheese on top of my pizza.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Excellent writeup, Lizard! I really want to do a coking article now, too.

  • J.R.

    also, when bookmarking this article for later readings, do i save it to my food folder or my TovH folder? on the one hand it is about food….but it is from the Toilet. hmm.

    • Lacertilian

      Both is the obvious answer.

      • J.R.

        My best friend and I have decided to make this here pizza some day. I will keep you posted on the progress. It better be unflushable.