Mailmanbro Walk with Me

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Pssst. Hey you. You wanna see some metal merch? Come over here. Hop on in my creepy-ass van. I got more metal merch in here than your dad keeps hidden in that shoebox under the basement stairs. I got metal merch that would make your mom’s hair turn white. Trust me, kid, you’ve never seeeeeeeeen metal merch like the shit I got in here. And you can look for free

I’m going to begin this month’s Mailmanbro Extravaganza with a short personal essay. In case you haven’t already skipped ahead in order to beat off all over the photos below, I urge you to do so now.

Still here? Suit yourself. I have writer’s block, people. It took me nearly an hour to think of something to say by way of intro to this article. And since all I was able to do in that hour was obsess over how little I had to say, this is what you get: a miniature rant about the pain of writer’s block. I do not get it very often. Maybe once every few years if I’m lucky. When I do, it is likely to trigger the sort of paralyzing depression that can only be quashed by spending a full day drinking High Life and watching Neil deGrasse Tyson videos on Youtube. Only Neil’s crystal clear arguments for the value of Science can lend this puny life the sheen of purpose. Only watching Neil crush anti-intellectualism and pure idiocy with the twin hammers of Knowledge and Logic can distract me from the agonizing emptiness which has profaned the creative and linguistic centers in my brain. So I dedicate this month’s Mailmanbro exhibit to Neil. And to High Life, the Sean Penn of beers.

First on the docket, LEIF BEARIKSON kept it classy and also deathy as fuck with LPs from Stargazer and Venenum. (Proven Toilet faves.)


Power-commenter HANS FAKELASTNAME  keeps it concise with mixed merch from Insect Warfare, Riot and Conan. (You can’t really see it but there are a bunch of Queen albums tucked behind that Riot one. Thank you, Hans, for sparing me the burden of editing them out.)


KARHU, god of all things bearlike and curmudgeonly, bought a whole bunch of shit with his mom’s credit card while blackout drunk. Here it is. Highlights include Azaghal, Fin, Impaled Nazarene, The Man-Eating Tree, Fin again, Blind Guardian for some reason, Impaled Nazarene again. Oh, and the edgiest, most satanic trash can ever to blight the corrupt face of this Earth.


Our cold-blooded editor LACERTILIAN started the month out right with a tiny-yet-tasty haul containing Obliteration on vinyl and nothing else. Then things took a swift and inexplicable nosedive for the worse. What is going on in that second haul? I don’t know what happened; I don’t know where it all went wrong. I only know that we need to get him help. Perhaps an intervention of some kind? Are flights to Australia cheap this time of year?


Nextly, ELEGANT GAZING GLOBE continues to put money in the pockets of aging metal dudes and total fucking nerds. His gargantuan haul begins with a whole bunch of sexy Fates Warning merch. Then things get a bit rocky with some kind of limited edition Eternal Champion box set (I could have rotated the picture but I think it looks better lying down). The course begins to correct itself with LPs from Iron Maiden and Dokken which I presume are backup copies of records he already owns. He finishes strong with Toilet friends Slugdge and an OG pressing of the only Metallica record worth anyone’s money.


Moving on, we come to the Recordstorebro haul from the Toilet’s resident noisenik, EDWARD. No noise this time around, though. Just the smooth, silky sounds of Today is the Day, Oxbow, Acid Bath and, uh…never mind.

Burzum is shy today. 🙁


Let us forget about the complete life failure in that last photo by turning our attention to the esoteric haul of the elusive JAY RIEMENSCHEIDER (or whatever the fuck his Disqus handle is today). Mailmanbro brought CDs by Samo (that totally does not say Samoo), The Great Deceiver, Swans (Schwaaaaaaaaanzzzzzzze) and a shirt by that band Emptiness he’ll probably never shut up about.


Check out this haul bequeathed unto newcomer JEFF [REDACTED]. CDs from Ayeron and Amon Amarth and an LP by some obscure entity called Bolt Thrower which definitely does not get enough love ’round these parts. Also some cassettes which appear to have been blurred by the profundity of their obsolescence.


Nearly last, not nearly least, PAGLIACCI received some lesser known Sabbath n’ Shit. Followed by some sexy-ass shirts from Neurot Recordings, including Neurosis, Harvestman and tiny square shirt that looks like it might fit a chihuahua I guess?


Mailmanbro continued to heap records and patches upon our resident filth-worshipper, SWEETOOTH0 (did I spell it right this time?). Look upon this haul and then go take a shower. LPs from Body Count, Ahna, Gorgoroth and…uh…Delphaed? Patches from Dopethrone, Wodos and Anal Cunt. Poetry by GG Allen.


Who’s next? Me. I am next. Mailmanbro brought me these shirts from Xasthur, Leviathan and Gnaw Their Tongues. I don’t even like any of these bands. I just use the shirts to keep strangers from talking to me. Works like a fucking charm.


That’s it for this month. If your haul is not pictured here it is because you did not send it. Also, if your haul is not pictured here then it is FALSE. Also also, if you sent more than four photos, some of them were dropped. Why? Because I’d rather be binge-watching Neil deGrasse Tyson videos. Toodles.

(Header image VIA)

  • Thanks for capturing the most pants-shitting part of Fire Walk With Me, Richter.

    • Covfefe Kingston

      I dunno, that last couple minutes on the train car rivals most Horror movies.

  • Fine Sexy Ladies

    Jay should not shut up about Emptiness, for Emptiness is an examplary good.

  • Joaquin Stick

    I think I have overall spent more time thinking of what to put in the opening sentence of articles than actually writing the articles. I know your pain Richter.

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    EGG wins.

    Flawless Victory.

  • JWG

    This reminds me, I haven’t done my part lately to help #mailmanbro be A Thing on the Twitter.

    Unfortunately since last week he has only bestowed upon me a shirt which I couldn’t wear today (not suitable for work, though not in a Not Safe for Work sense), from Alterna Comics.

    Have I sung their praises lately? Well. I will, again. The fact that they’re doing a limited run of newsprint comics in the current era is kind of brilliant, as is that they’re $1-$2 only.

    https://www.previewsworld.com/Catalog?pub=ALTERNA%20COMICS

  • Howard Dean
    • Edward

      Phil Collins >>>>>>>>>

  • Howard Dean

    Sweetooth’s haul >>>>>>

    Deiphago – Satanik Eon is awesome. The Goatmoon, Barbatos, and Anal Cunt patches are killer. Well done!

    • sweetooth0

      Anton UKR Patcher had a sweet 2 dollar patch sale, so we stocked up.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    I gave you several good pics and that’s the one you use? Ha!
    You can’t really tell because of the light, but tge third LP is Horna’s Hiidentorni.

  • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

    Without physics there’d be no Fashion Channel — there’d be no TV. But w/o fashion, physicists might just be naked. Not good.

    — Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) December 12, 2010

    • Covfefe Kingston

      Without lamps, there would be no light.

  • Hans which Queen albums are tucked away in there? commercial sell-out’s, or the first three? 😉

    • Hans

      I got the debut and I did see Sheer Heart Attack, but it was a little expensive and I’d already spent a lot. So yeah, the other six are all of the less rockin’ variety.

  • sweetooth0

    You got it right Richter! That vintage Accept – Balls to the Wall tape I have in there is pretty sweet too! Only gets a bit warbly during one song.

  • Dumpster Lung

    Damn, I thought it was the 30th today. Whoops! Well, I’ll just post mine here: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4c5f9c941ceabecedb9a52f2ea73614d66dc6b44ee2c5e650fe5f63b11a5a517.jpg

    So there are shirts from Opeth, Russian Circles, Mastodon, Gruesome, Isenordal, then some local stuff: Argus (power electronics/noise) and Gnarwhal (weird, proggy hardcore, same drummer as Yautja)

    Records/CDs: Loss, White Ward, Gnarwhal, Tim Kaiser (noise/circuit-bending stuff), and Ride the Lightning. Funny enough, RtL was not because of the Facebook post. It actually was newly acquired this month when a friend upgraded to the newest reissue and gave me this one!

  • RJA

    Finally listened to Eternal Champion recently – I know I’m late to the party but it’s not generally something I would listen too. That record is really good and a lot of fun in case you guys didn’t know!

    • sweetooth0

      was just listening to it this morning as an odd coincidence, and second this motion!

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        HAILx2

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      HAIL

    • Óðinn

      Agreed. The genre isn’t really appealling to to me as a whole. Most traditional Metsl bands are very bored and tired. But I do really like Eternal Champion.

    • drug_genosh

      I gave them a shot but it didn’t click. More into Sumerlands

      • RJA

        Really? I’ve heard a few people say the same thing but I felt just the opposite – I’ll have to give that Sumerlands another shot.

        • drug_genosh

          i LOVE that album. the riffs! vocals! solos! just the whole feel of it. EC just kind of made me go “eh” but I know I need to go back and give it another shot for all the praise it gets.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    nice haul broskis, high fives and shotgunned Bud Lights all around

  • Hans

    This ruffian speaks ill of Her Majesty. I ain’t even sad I didn’t send my haul update now.

    [EDIT] That Eternal Champion haul is gorgeous by the way.

    https://i.gyazo.com/292a84821bb6f4f252f251fbd4411600.jpg

  • sweetooth0
  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    I completely approve of those Acid Bath, Today is the Day, Obliteration, Destruction, Bolt Thrower, Insect Warfare, Riot, Fates Warning, Neurosis, Iron Maiden and Leviathan hauls.

    https://m.popkey.co/d84148/zrbGD_f-maxage-0.gif

  • Lacertilian

    Thanks to Jimmy McNulty for sending me that House blu-ray! Being the fucking loser I am I still haven’t found time to watch it. Being an adult sucks.

    P.S: That’s not a vinyl copy of Nekropsalms, Richter.

    P.P.S: I hate you.

    • movies are like good wine: waiting a long period of time only enhances the experience!

      • Lacertilian

        Cumulatively I would have had time in between doing Dad stuff but I don’t like seeing movies in parts for the first viewing. I’m sure I’ll love it as our tastes align pretty closely most of the time.

        • Maybe its time to expand the kiddo’s taste in movies! Huehue

          • Lacertilian

            He can read the subtitles for me!

    • IT LOOKS BIG LIKE A VINYL TO THESE OLD EYES

  • TheElusiveJayRiemenschneider

    I like the title of “The Elusive Jay Riemenschneider”. Elusive like the sasquatch.