Local Promoter Introduces Controversial Loot Box System to Festival Roster


Suburban Springs, Iowa – Reports have been flooding in from parents of local band members over the last few days that Mark “$cene God” Ratowski has introduced a controversial new band prioritization to his fifth annual Rat Fest local metal showcase. But what does this new “loot box” program and its complicated reward system mean for your local scene? Click here to find out.

The controversy seemingly began when local festival organizer and venue owner Ratowski announced that for this year’s Rat Fest there would be a new way for local bands to improve their placement on the bill. In addition to the traditional method Ratowski uses to order the festival’s roster, namely ticket sales from the local bands themselves, this year the promoter is offering bands an additional chance to get better placement by purchasing one of his “randomly generated” loot crates.

“It sounds complicated,” Ratowski claimed, “but it’s really quite simple. Fest order is based on purchasing slots using our custom promotion currency, Rat Tokens. Typically, bands can accrue rat tokens by selling tickets to their friends, earning likes on Facebook, and getting hits on Facebook.”

“The better you self-promote,” the promoter added, “the more rat tokens you’ll acquire, and the better billing you can purchase with those tokens. This year, though, we’ve made it a little easier for bands to get good billing regardless of their retweets with our new loot boxes. For just fifty rat tokens, which can also be purchased at a dollar-to-token rate, bands will get the chance to open ‘randomly generated’ loot boxes filled with all sorts of prizes, including dedicated festival slots.”

While some local parents are concerned about the complexity of this monetization scheme, Ratowski claims this actually helps young bands. “Look, let’s say you’re having a little bit of trouble selling patches to all the metalheads in your Magic The Gathering guild but want to make sure your killer powerviolence act gets a good billing. You can just plunk down 50 rat tokens and possibly maybe get fourth or fifth billing under the touring act. It’s a win-win.”

But some local parents remain skeptical.

“I bought my kid’s band, Milking Sorrow (check them out on Facebook because they’re poised to take over the scene with their innovative blend of sludge and hardcore, by the way) five of Ratowski’s loot boxes, and all we got were 40 rat tokens and some Sonic Cherry Limeade coupons,” Ron Bepps, one scene dad, said.

“I literally saw Ratowski’s assistant pouring stuff from the office filing cabinet into a loot box as we were walking through the door,” claimed Steevve “666 Killthrones” Schultz. “I’m just not convinced it’s all that random.”

Still, others think the controversial system might be good for the scene.

“I just want my little boy’s band, Fetusgoatwitch (check them out on Facebook because they’re poised to take over the scene with their innovative take on second-wave black metal, by the way) to succeed, and this new system ensures we have another chance to get more than the six rat tokens we’ve made from the school anime club,” responded Franny Dettes, local scene mom.

It’s unclear how the new loot box system will affect this year’s Rat Fest lineup, but that won’t stop Ratowski from innovating the scene in the future.

“We’ve got a Battle of the Bands coming up in February, and we’re planning on piloting a new tiered rewards system with an additional currency called Rat Stars. It should make it even easier for struggling bands to get placed higher in the competition.”

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  • Doc Torluv
  • This is 100% going to happen

    • Dubby Fresh

      I think we need to hop on this bandwagon and introduce disqus gold to give readers a better quality interface and random loot.

      • If I can display two gravitars at once, I’m all in. Sign me up bb. My dream of a 2-avatar wide trucknuts image is closer than ever to fruition!

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Lootcrate has like $100M annual sales it’s crazy

    • Dubby Fresh

      Lootcrates have taken off with dogs too!

      • Elegant Gazing Globe

        Are you a patron?

        • Dubby Fresh

          I am not. I actually thought about buying 1 bullybox because my dog is a snarling mechanism of destruction when it comes to the toys we buy her, but I haven’t pulled the trigger yet. I definitely wouldn’t subscribe either.

          • We got Barkbox for the pugs. Worth it. They love the shit.

          • Dubby Fresh

            My cousin does it for her dogs too and seems to think highly of it.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            it comes with rocks and dirt and hairballs?

          • It’s got dank treats and toys that distract them from wads of hair they could be eating

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            LD eats hair no problem, it comes right out his butt, other treats, barfed right up

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            Get her some crescent wrenches for toys

          • Dubby Fresh

            I bought her a synthetic antler, and she’s already nibbled off an 8th of it.

  • Joaquin Stick

    My band is still on the DLC (Digital Late-release Concert) roster, which takes place a few weeks after. I’m buying another box tonight, but if I don’t make it on the official line up, please buy the season pass so you get the full fest experience!

    • Dubby Fresh

      How many season passes are you selling? And will you be sporting a special skin with the first season pass? Will you be performing a new taunt on stage?

      • Joaquin Stick

        The season pass makes sure you get all the DLCs, plus, as an added bonus, you get the option to pre-pre-order tickets to next year’s show, which is in development and has no details released yet. If I sell 10, I get all the skins and taunts I could possibly use in my 5-minute set.

  • Howard Dean

    Probably sounds horrible, but I’m kinda hoping these ridiculous fests that allow dozens of marginal and terrible bands to play in public will keep pushing these ridiculous schemes. Once these bands realize they are essentially being hazed for the right to play in front of 35 people who don’t really like their music, the harsh reality will hopefully kill off the really horrible bands and the one or two with some redeemable qualities will practice and improve.

    Also: I’ve securitzed a few dozen of these loot boxes for next fest season (07/01/2018 maturity) and am looking for buyers. This CLO (collateralized loot obligation) pays a semiannual coupon of warm American pilsner and regret. And in case you’re feeling contrarian, I’m also selling default insurance against these CLOs.

  • God

    Coming soon to TovH, every other article is only accessible via loottoilets that cost 1.99. Or you can earn shittokens by reading articles and these can be used to also purchase loottoilets.

    • Dubby Fresh

      Facebook users will also receive one premium toilet star for every article shared (but really, share our articles).

    • Hans

      Earn Double Shit Tokens for reading Tech Death Thursday LOL

  • Howard Dean

    Lootcoin® ICO date set for 12/05. Please convert your legal tender into these electronic coins and ride the rollercoaster. Top analysts at Stratton Oakmont are predicting a 600% pop on the first day of trading alone. Lootcoin® will be accepted by all Theranos Wellness Centers at your local pharmacy.

  • Count_Breznak

    Most of those festivals are early access anyway. Forever in the making, full of asset flips that are just the same old copy&paste shit in a slightly different tuning, the organizers were prolly bankrupt before they even started planning and they will sue everyone in a 5 mile radius for negative comments.

  • GrumpDumpus




      • GrumpDumpus


  • Lord of Bork

    Apparently today I can’t recognize sarcasm until it’s literally punching me in the goddamn head. Well played, dubs

    • Dubby Fresh

      What was the giveaway?

      • Lord of Bork

        I’m embarrassed to admit that it took until “innovative blend of sludge and hardcore” for me to go waaaait a minute

  • Nukenado

    I suggest we have a fest where we fly metalheads onto an island once held by Mao Zedong around Fiji, and we have a kickass festival there.

  • brainsauce

    This is a joke about star wars right?

    • Dubby Fresh

      It’s certainly informed by that controversy.