Experience My Personal Vision of Hell in Just 37 Seconds!

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Heads up, NYC readers. You should head on down to Times Square, where in addition to all-you-can-eat Donkey Sauce at Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen & Bar, you can check out America’s newest Guitar Center.

In the unlikely event you’ve never experienced Guitar Center, the video below filmed at the August 7th opening of the Times Square storefront should give you a great introduction. The only thing missing is a never ending checkout process for buying a pack of fucking guitar strings.

This video makes me extremely uncomfortable so I look forward to the audio being pressed on cassette and reviewed by Christian Molenaar. Preorder now. 

  • Negrodamus

    Where can we place our preorders for that hot new cassette, Joe?

  • Det. Flushin Bohl

    It’s not Trve Kvlt until that sumbitch is on 8 track..

    • Negrodamus

      it’s not tr00 kvlt until it’s Trve Detective.

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      I’m working on an album I want pressed on cassette, 8 track and any other audio format that is obsolete. Maybe I’ll even put it on Laserdisc and CED!

      • Howard Dean

        Press it to a spool made of flesh from a torn quad.

      • Victrola release FTW!

      • Max

        DAT, PCM-1630, Mini-Disc (I think they’re officially obsolete now), wax cylinder, 1/4″ reel, answering machine, and 100 MB Zip disks that I used to format for my Roland VS-840.

        • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

          i’m picturing you having a music room the size of abbey road studios in the pink floyd pompei movie and you are roger waters tinkering away on all the complicated equipment.

          • Max

            Well, the scary thing is that all of the equipment at Roger Waters’s disposal – or at least its capabilities – would nowadays fit into the software of a laptop; so if you want to picture me immersed in it, all you need do is imagine me getting sucked into the computer screen a la Tron.

            I’m cool with that. Especially if Cindy Morgan comes with me.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            it seems like it would have been more fun in the old days even though the equipment was so bulky. I saw tron in the theatre , in 82 the movie was completely state of the art yet strangely was a box office flop. This was the days of pac man which was huge , there was even a top 40 hit about the game. The movie was ahead of it’s time i guess. Blade runner bombed the same year, i don’t know what was wrong with audiences back then.

  • W.

    Joe, if you liked this, Christian has three other bands he knows personally to recommend for you. No one but him has ever heard of them, but they exist.

    • Christian Molenaar

      *~basking in my rep~*

    • Stockhausen

      They don’t even exist, but they have a Bandcamp page, that doesn’t exist. Check it out here.

  • RuIN?

    Guy makes good onion rings and isn’t GC getting ready to file for bankruptcy?

    • They’ve got a load of debt up to their eyeballs. Not sure why they decided opening up this ridiculously expensive storefront was a great idea.

      • Det. Flushin Bohl

        If they are in a shit spot financially, then this is the last place they should have opened up a store. What kind of hacks are running that show?

        • W.

          Top men.

          • Stockhausen

            TOP. MEN.

        • Putting this store up in Times Square seems like a very, very expensive advertisement. How many tourists will actually purchase and take home anything?

          • Det. Flushin Bohl

            I am pretty sure the last thing I do on vacation is buy myself a new, overpriced guitar to take back with me. I am sure they will get a few assholes to spend some money, but I can’t see it being consistent enough to sustain a storefront in one of the most expensive places to have one.

          • W.

            I like to buy knives/swords when I visit different countries.

          • I just buy people.

          • How does that work flying home?

          • W.

            I’ve got a good story about that, actually. The second time I was flying back from Dubai, I bought a sword that was longer than my suitcase, so I wrapped it in sealing tape and basically just had it sticking 6 inches out of my suitcase. I then wrapped the whole suitcase in that plastic wrap you can find at airports. The flight staff thought it might get broken, but they let it go through. When I got to DC, it was in one place, and I rolled right through customs in Dulles with a sword sticking 6 inches out of my suitcase. The customs officer didn’t even stop me. He did, however, stop the non-Caucasian foreign lady with children behind me…

          • Negrodamus

            USA! USA! USA!

          • W.

            I always leave an American flag in place of anything I purchase abroad.

          • Stockhausen

            A new America will grow on every spot.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            to their credit, the prices are competitive.

          • Det. Flushin Bohl

            At the Times Square store? I figured they would have jacked them up to no end. I’m surprised, but glad to hear that.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            my guess is that they stock this store with the products they have the largest margin on. IE…accessories

          • Det. Flushin Bohl

            Makes perfect sense. I wonder if this store is going to take a lot of the meet and greets etc that usually take place at the 14th street store. I am hoping not.

          • to give an example (using local coin where 2.8 soles = 1 dollar): a marshall cabinet is 2700 soles on musicians friend. That cabinet is about 8400 soles here. A two way plane ticket Lima NY Lima is like 1000 soles. Even with paying cargo space, it’s cheaper to fly all the way there to buy stuff.

          • 4 out of 5 musicians down here go to the states to buy instruments and gear. Unless you’re looking for a gibson, ibanez or a fender or willing to go to every shady music store it’s cheaper to fly all the way to NY and buy there. Would you buy gear here?

          • Det. Flushin Bohl

            0/10, would investigate and flush muhfuckas.

          • dingus

            The problem too is that it’s kinda off the beaten path. It’s close enough to Times Square but it’s in an awkward spot where there isn’t gonna be much impulse-based foot traffic from people that doesn’t already know there’s a guitar center

      • Scrimm

        Hey Joe how do we get a hold of you again if we had something we were looking to contribute?

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL
      • RuIN?

        This is the article that I had read. My apologies. Not going bankrupt, but Billionaires are trying to find creative ways to not lose billions of dollars by “restructuring” debt into equity in the company. +flush+http://www.ericgarland.co/2014/03/03/wsj-guitar-center-acquired-major-creditor/

    • Negrodamus

      The onion rings, this is what matters.

  • Det. Flushin Bohl

    “Metalsucks.net Official Jam Band to be Headlining Show at Times Square NYC Guitar Center!”

  • Kevin Nash and Friends

    I’m working on an album of instrumental synthpop that I want to have pressed on cassette and 8 track. If you’re wondering, it’s in the process of being recorded.

  • I just realized how similar looking Kerry King and Guy Fieri are. Uncanny.

    http://37.media.tumblr.com/db63c9db44622c09ce4bad26a6e4e5d6/tumblr_n1dd118cwJ1rw80z2o9_500.gif

    • Det. Flushin Bohl

      Sequel to Step Brothers

      • Kevin Nash and Friends

        Step Brothers needs a sequel.

    • Xan

      I present you Kerry Fieri.

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        thank you for making my day

        • Xan

          You are welcome.

      • This is amazing. A million gold stars!

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        he kind of looks better this way.

      • Gewd Lerd, what is this abomination to existence you bring before me?

      • this needs to go on the TovH instagram!

      • Paul Will.I.Am.s

        The Burning Red sucked.

  • Flushgod Apocalypse

    I just had painful flashbacks from my music store days.

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      I miss chain music stores like Suncoast, Sam Goody and Media Play. Those places were the best. It’s depressing that FYE is really the last chain music and video store. There’s no other chains that do it currently.

      • W.

        The Media Play back home got turned into a place called Entertainmart. It’s basically a giant pawn shop for used electronics and media. Here in Texas, we still have Hastings in a few cities.

        • Kevin Nash and Friends

          The one that I lived near got demolished as well as the mall it was in. It’s now a strip mall and Media Play was turned into a Christmas Tree Shops.

      • The FYE inside a mall near me is basically the only place around here you can get metal cd’s.

        • Kevin Nash and Friends

          All the FYE stores near me closed years ago. The closest one to me is in Albany.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Ever been to Parkway Music in Clifton Park?

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            No I have not. Is it good?

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Since Ed Roman left, I’m gonna say it’s the best shop in the UpstateNY WCT WMA region

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I gotta go there. I’m going to be going to Lake George and I’ve been to Clifton Park for a concert at Upstate Concert Hall. Is this store near Upstate Concert Hall?

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            They’re both of the same exit on 87. Parkway is a right and a fast left about a half mile, and Upstate is about 3 mile going left off the exit

      • KJM

        I worked at a Strawberries for about 2 years. As such, I no longer fear Hell.

        • Kevin Nash and Friends

          There used to be one in Danbury that became an FYE. It’s a Jos A Banks store now.

  • Howard Dean

    Guy Fieri’s disgusting and atavistic double- and triple-bite has scarred me for life.

    [shudder]

    I can’t even see a picture of him without imagining him devouring two handfuls of greasy sandwich like a fucking tiger shark. It gives me PTSD-induced tremors.
    On another negative note, happy Monday, lifelovers! Byah!

      • Howard Dean

        Ugh. We’re having pizza for lunch today in the office, but I don’t know if I will partake. Guy Fieri ruins lunch. And life.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          He’s a worthless fat fuck, who should kill himself.

          • Who the fuck does think he is with that hair?

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Pre-fucking-cisely.

          • Howard Dean

            Mark McGrath c. 1998?

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            Oh howard, how could you bring up that fellow, the biggest opportunist in the music business. And probably has the least credibility even though he has more talent and singing ability than a lot of other bands ( hint initals of band are MC)

          • METAL CHURCH!!! m/

          • He is obviously impersonating me. Get with it guys!

            GL

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            George, you look great, now get on that dokken reunion thing. Do it fast before don won’t be able to rasp out any lyrics at all. This is what should have happened this year – dokken and ratt farewell tours. Fuck crue, stumbling around out there, still fucking up their songs, neil barely able to breathe, mars unable to walk or move, sixx still thinking he is the hot shit he was in 83, and tommy slowly dying of latent aids.

        • crazytaco_12

          What a cunting slicelover

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      My brother was working at a restaurant in the city called Mama’s Food Shop when they did an episode of DD&D…he said that they mocked him and his douchy fist bump the entire time. If you ever see that episode..you can literally see the uncomfortable awkwardness.

      • Ayreonaut

        Best username ever

    • FeelTheDarkness

      I work as a chef and if that douche nozzle ever walked in, me and my staff would be telling that fucker to fuck right off. Believe dat!

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Walking into any music store sucks. The clientele, the staff, etc. They all suck.

    • Howard Dean

      Agreed. My thoughts upon entering a music store:

      [I wish this whole store had one giant, collective heart, and I had a knife in it]

    • I’m very fortunate to live in a city that spawns dozens of terrible failed bands per day. Austin’s Craigslist is an embarrassment of riches.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        You showed post some of them. Always makes for a good read.

      • ParallaxativeHyperStool

        Moving to NY and thinking I was gonna get musicians of a higher caliber was a mistake. I found a band on craigslist saying they were super huge here, got radio play, had tons of shows booked, influenced by bands like Tool. Listened to their music and was made queasy by the sound of terrible. It was pretty much only downhill from there.

        • Is finding a practice spot in NYC as hellish as I’m imagining?

        • dingus

          I put out a craigslist ad for NY/NJ to play shitty grindcore and some verrrry colorful people have responded so far

          • Frankie Palmeri

            hey guy I replied to your ad…when we gonna jam?

      • Scrimm

        That’s what my practice space is like. There’s about a hundred rooms with bands. I’ve been down there seven years and it’s unbelievable some of the crap that’s come and gone down there.

      • Occams_Razor_Ramon

        I once saw an Orange Twin Reverb in Austin. I wish I had 2 grand because I would have snatched that bastard up so fast

    • Cock of Steele

      You pick up a guitar and they act all friendly, but deep down inside, they’re watching you, judging, criticizing, wishing they were dead.

    • Guest

      My local record store is really good. The staff knows me because I go there so often.

  • noice new layout, @joethrashnkill:disqus!!!

    • It’s all thanks to the work for YourLogicIsFlushed!

      • Negrodamus

        The ads are highly effective, in that I can see some of them. Nicely done!

        • Yeah, if anything get annoying just lemme know.

          • Negrodamus

            I will, and if I have a minute during work today I will tinker with my settings as well to see what happens.

          • I turned AdBlock off as well.

            I don’t even usually support that other site with actual clicks anymore. I usually use the Disqus view and go straight to the comments. They were almost the only thing worth reading there anyway.

          • Negrodamus

            I still have Adblock Plus on Firefox on at home, and at work, but the Revolver ad popped up and it doesn’t bother me because I imagine Joe has put a tremendous amount of work into this thing already.

          • nothing is annoying in the toilet, PERIOD!!!

          • IronLawnmower

            Feel honoured as one of the 5 sites I turn ad-block off for.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            buy buy buy!

          • Xan

            So did I.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            did you buy a subscription yet?

          • Xan

            I already had one. Revolver and Decibel are the only magazines that are still worth reading (at least that I know of). I found an issue of some other magazine but it is only a U.K. magazine so it would cost me over $150 a year to get it here.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            If taylor was on every cover i would buy it.
            Jill Janus who ?

          • is this gonna be a “HAVE YOU BOUGHT HAIL TO THE KING YET?” thing?

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            similar, but the mag actually chose to be here, unlike a band being satirized with a parody comment account. my take is reward them for their faith in us!

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            good now go buy a sub to the mag!

    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      Glad you like it!

  • dingus

    I tried to go on opening day, 3 hours after the fact there was a line literally all the way down the fucking street. No thanks, the one on 14th street is a similar enough cacophony that I didn’t feel like I was missing much

    • Det. Flushin Bohl

      Trve story, br0.

  • Kevin Nash and Friends

    Does anyone know places that press cassettes or 8 tracks for cheap? I need to have my new album pressed to cassette and 8 track. It’s not going to be on CD or vinyl or digital download, only cassette and 8 track.

    • Max

      I work at a place that does cassette dubbing (in fact we used to manufacture them by purchasing tape rolls and the empty cartridges and winding it in to any specified length) but as I’m in Australia, I doubt that’s gonna be useful to you. Or cheap. 8-track? Sorry, no idea.

  • Also I just realized how much I hate the Guitar Center logo. How many people need to see an actual guitar in the logo to understand they sell guitars? The word guitar is in the name, for fuck’s sake.

    • W.

      Maybe their usual clientele can’t read?

      • Det. Flushin Bohl

        BDubsBro.

        • The irony of this is that there is a Bdubs right down the street from my nearest Guitar Center.

          • W.

            There’s a Hooters and a Rudy’s right next to the one here.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I buy from Musicians Friend. I never buy from Guitar Center.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            They are the same company.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            Oh. I did not know that.

          • Det. Flushin Bohl

            Muh-fuckin’ demographics.

          • Negrodamus

            dem stats Bohl, dem stats.

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      Funny you should mention the logo. GC’s e-comm division, Musicians Friend tried to rebrand sometime last year with a new logo….and went back to the old one not too long after trying….must not have worked out too well for them. ALSO….flush all companies owned by BAIN CAPITAL.

      • Det. Flushin Bohl

        Smokestack and flush them! Everyone knows the only true one is BANE!

    • IronLawnmower
  • Occams_Razor_Ramon

    Hey yo

    That is jus a fuckin’ nightmare, chico.

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      Hey Razor, It’s Kev. Are you going to be at tonight’s live show of Monday Night Quadtear? I’m going to be defending my title against Ahmed Johnson. I’ll leave a ticket and a backstage pass for you at will call. Try to make it.

      • KJM

        You’ll retain your title! All you have to do is BOlieve!!!

        • Kevin Nash and Friends

          I do BOlieve, I actually want Ahmed to win the title though, he deserves it. His work in WCW made me feel bad for him and it made us into friends, so I would love it if he won the title. I loved his feud with Goldust as well as his feud with the Nation Of Domination.

      • Occams_Razor_Ramon

        Hey yo, Kev.

        I’m crurenlty durnk on DDPs couchhh. Cna I get a ryde?

        • Kevin Nash and Friends

          I will see what I can do. The taping isn’t that far from there, so I guess so. Also, ask DDP if he wants to go. Considering Bret Hart runs the company, I’m sure he would be happy to see you and DDP. I know Scott Steiner will be happy to see you. He’s gotta defend his TV title tonight against Sid Vicious and Goldberg in a Triple Threat. Also, I think X Pac and the New Age Outlaws will be there and possibly Shawn Michaels as he’s in town. Triple H can’t make it because of Raw, but he wishes you would come to Raw sometime.

          • KJM

            If Scott loses the title, he can always go back to being a Mathematician!

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFoC3TR5rzI

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            He’s actually trying to get a teaching degree for math so he can make extra money on top of his 1 million dollar guaranteed salary a year.

        • KJM

          No accountability at that crib!

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            Well, it got Jake Roberts sober. Next up, DDP should get X Pac and the Honky Tonk Man. Honky Tonk is a rampant alcoholic and X Pac is a crack addict. I would love to see X Pac sober up.

          • Honky Tonk Man is looking more like a bloated version of Bubba Ho Tep nowadays.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I agree. I feel bad about how far he’s fallen.

    • Stockhausen

      What up scoot!

  • ParallaxativeHyperStool

    Guitar Center is like the Wal Mart of music stores for me. I hate everything about it but I’ll still shop there if I need shit and I want to afford it. I didn’t realize the times square one was open, so I’ll probably dip in there on a weekday after the just opened hype dies down and see what they have in the way of basses and bass accessories. I did actually have a really good Guitar Center experience in VA a few months back where the wiring on the inside of the jack in my bass got disconnected and I took it in and the guy soldered it in all of 30 seconds and was like “cool man that’ll be 10 bucks” and i was expecting to pay far out the asshole for some longass repair with some long winded description of what happened. But i was just like “I dont know much about this shit besides how to play it but I looked and I think this is what’s wrong.” and the guy was like “Yep you’re right /fix 10$ plz.” No douchiness involved! Amazing.

    • Christian Molenaar

      I took a guitar to be repaired once and the guy was super nice to me, too, but every time I go in to just pick up some strings or something they’re totally smug assholes. That’s why I make fake coupons in Photoshop.

      • That’s a thing that you can do?!

        • Christian Molenaar

          Yeah, you should be able to find some tutorials or something online pretty easily. Barcodes are a pretty simple system, then you just have to make the design look realistic. If you’re in Guitar Center’s newsletter then they sound you coupons all the time anyway and you just have to change the description and barcode so instead of saying “15% off orders over $100” it just says “15%.”

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            Christian, I love you for that how to. I’m going to have to make one of those. Would these coupons work online?

          • Christian Molenaar

            Online you use number/letter keys instead of barcodes and I don’t know much about those. You could probably find a keygen online? The barcode stuff is just something I picked up from working in retail with a little extra research online.

          • Stockhausen

            Holy handbaskets, that’s genius.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            I fully support & cosign defrauding Bain Capital owned companies

          • Christian Molenaar

            I think this is the part where the NSA reports me to Mitt Romney so he can send one of his innumerable robot bodies to terminate me.

      • Kevin Nash and Friends

        How do you make fake coupons? I would love to make a fake coupon for Guitar Center.

      • dingus

        If you’re serious you just made my LIFE

  • So this is what Stairway to heaven and Smoke on the water sound like when played simultaneously.

  • Dental_Damnation

    Aka open auditions for Van Halen cover bands

  • IronLawnmower

    I think this is what they played in that one vault that drove all the residents insane.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    Wonder if Vince saw this here? Guessing it will be posted on Metal Injection shortly.

    • Anybody remember this troll? Wonder who that was…

      • Mother Shabubu III

        I’d like to take credit for that, but it wasn’t me. I didn’t run any of the troll accounts. I figured my normal commenting was annoying enough.

  • geddy

    If you were to record the sounds crashing into each other inside a Guitar Center, you would have A SYMPHONY OF MADNESS. Take that shit on tour – you will get rich. People (these)days will buy into pretty much anything.

    In other thoughts:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKNOlDtZluU

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      This is my favorite prog song.

    • Awesome song, haven’t heard that one in ages.

  • Cock of Steele

    My friend claims that he was in there picking out a Fender guitar and this one middle schooler playing a “motherfuckin rich bitch” warlock was all laughing at him. Don’t know how true that story is, but it does fit some warlock users I know.

    • Scrimm

      I used to play a warlock. It played nice but it was raggedy as fuck. Constant problems. Let em laugh. I’m an ltd man myself.

  • Squibble Skwonk

    Literally the funniest thing I’ve seen all day. I love this site. Keep up the good work, guys!

    • welcome! glad you love it. some commenters on MS REALLY don’t like us or the site.

      • Squibble Skwonk

        Let them keep their “metal” blog where 90% of all the articles are about Frankie Palmeri or King 810 as opposed to actual music.

        • such a great success story!
          also, hit up @joethrashnkill:disqus if you want to join the FB group, it’s a ton of fun too. you’ll get to know everyone IRL.

  • Sponge Of Mystery

    lol MS posted about this like 2 hours later with almost the same headline

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      this is how many fucks given about other sites

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        this many

        • RuIN?

          You’re entering a world of pain.

    • imitation is the sincerest form of flushery

  • Guy Fierri = the Michael Bay of the culinary world.
    “Ok, I’ll stop picking on poor Guy Fierri. He already has to wake up everyday and realize that he’s Guy Fierri. That’s punishment enough” -Anthony Bourdain

  • old_man_doom

    Fuck GC. I wish there were more legit music stores in my area other than that big-box nightmare of broken floor gear and over-zealous sales people pushing expensive shit into my hands, not to mention the sultry woman at the front who greets you kindly, only to laugh as you walk past. It’s like they know ahead of time when I come in for a couple packs of strings because they must take their stock of my favorite brand/gauge down just to fuck with me: “Oh, we don’t seem to have that set in the store. You can drive an hour away to another GC to find them.” Go fuck yourself. That being said, Guy Fieri is cool; I like watching DDD while drunk.

  • Max

    After many years of patronizing musical instrument shops, I’ve learned that they exist to do one thing only: Sell you the brands that they carry, in the LINES of those brands that they carry (because not all shops sell all products made by Roland, for example), which they happen to have in stock, on the floor, at the time you walk in there. That is all they are capable of doing without fucking up.

    If you want to order off the menu in any conceivable way – even just placing an order for an item that they do usually carry but is currently out of stock – you can expect to get fucked around to some degree. No matter what. In fact, if you try to buy an item from a music shop that’s not in stock at the time, I believe there is a base 40% chance that you will not end up purchasing that item from that dealer – if you end up getting it at all.

  • TrickleDownTacoRiff

    LOL! Agreed hes a total dooshnozzle BUT you have to try his Root Beer BBQ sauce!!! Also, Why do all the classic rock dad/golf lovers have to dap in public where I work?

  • still funny, eight months later!!