Let’s Live Blog Pooper Bowl 50!
Today is Super Bowl 50. To celebrate, let’s live blog this thang.
THE MATCH UP:
Tonight, two teams face off for the NFL championship: the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. The Panthers have the top offense in the league, and the 7th best defense. The Broncos are 9th and 10th respectively. On paper, this game is Carolina’s to lose, but there are so many X-factors to consider going into the game; experience, grit, determination, spunk, zazz, stick-to-it-iveness, zorp, and all manner of other words sports writers use to fill out a mandatory column length.
Denver is quarterbacked by Peyton Manning, one of the most celebrated men to ever play the position. This will almost certainly be the last game Manning ever plays; he is a dinosaur in football years, and has been hampered with severe injuries for the last several seasons. It will be an amazing accomplishment if he can make it through this game intact, his body is being held together by sheer willpower, duct tape, and possibly HGH. Don’t you worry about ol’ Peyton, though. He’ll be on your television til the end of time hawking awful free-market pizza. Also, there’s this whole thing. Barf.
Carolina is commanded by a genetic supersoldier project gone haywire called Cam Newton. Thirteen years Manning’s junior, Newton is brilliant at scrambling out of the pocket, outrunning defenders, and hitting impossible passes to a corps of mediocre receivers. Also, he is a giant. Here he is just a few moments before devouring the soul of Drew Brees.
Here’s your moment of Cam levity before he destroys the field.
The Panthers by an embarrassing margin. Remember the Seattle Seahawks drubbing of the Broncos just two years ago? It’ll be that bad. Take all of your money from under the mattress, convert it to gold, then convert that to bet slips with the Panthers at -6. This is certified financial advice.
In addition to athletic competition, the Super Bowl halftime show will feature the hip musical stylings of Coldplay, Beyonce, and Bruno Mars. The current odds in Vegas of a “wardrobe malfunction” occurring between any of these artists is currently set at eleventy billion/1, so I will likely use halftime to practice my Bud Lite shotgun formation.
If you’d like a cheese overdose before you even get started on that fried mozzarella, check out Metallica’s performance from last night at AT&T Park in San Francisco. It has been deemed “TOO HEAVY FOR HALFTIME”, which simply means Pharrell Williams was not allowed to participate.
Tune to your local CBS station at 6:30 PM EST to watch the game, and join us below to talk mad shit for the entire ordeal. Come early, blog hard, stay late. Also, I will permaban any nerd that attempts to discuss “soccer” or unironically uses the term “handegg”. You have been warned.