Let’s Live Blog Pooper Bowl 50!

Today is Super Bowl 50. To celebrate, let’s live blog this thang.

THE MATCH UP: 

Tonight, two teams face off for the NFL championship: the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. The Panthers have the top offense in the league, and the 7th best defense. The Broncos are 9th and 10th respectively. On paper, this game is Carolina’s to lose, but there are so many X-factors to consider going into the game; experience, grit, determination, spunk, zazz, stick-to-it-iveness, zorp, and all manner of other words sports writers use to fill out a mandatory column length.

THE QUARTERBACKS:

Denver is quarterbacked by Peyton Manning, one of the most celebrated men to ever play the position. This will almost certainly be the last game Manning ever plays; he is a dinosaur in football years, and has been hampered with severe injuries for the last several seasons. It will be an amazing accomplishment if he can make it through this game intact, his body is being held together by sheer willpower, duct tape, and possibly HGH. Don’t you worry about ol’ Peyton, though. He’ll be on your television til the end of time hawking awful free-market pizza. Also, there’s this whole thing. Barf.

Carolina is commanded by a genetic supersoldier project gone haywire called Cam Newton. Thirteen years Manning’s junior, Newton is brilliant at scrambling out of the pocket, outrunning defenders, and hitting impossible passes to a corps of mediocre receivers. Also, he is a giant. Here he is just a few moments before devouring the soul of Drew Brees.

cam-newton-drew-brees

Here’s your moment of Cam levity before he destroys the field.

PREDICTION: 

The Panthers by an embarrassing margin. Remember the Seattle Seahawks drubbing of the Broncos just two years ago? It’ll be that bad. Take all of your money from under the mattress, convert it to gold, then convert that to bet slips with the Panthers at -6. This is certified financial advice.

the-denver-broncos-in-the-simp-o

In addition to athletic competition, the Super Bowl halftime show will feature the hip musical stylings of Coldplay, Beyonce, and Bruno Mars. The current odds in Vegas of a “wardrobe malfunction” occurring between any of these artists is currently set at eleventy billion/1, so I will likely use halftime to practice my Bud Lite shotgun formation.

If you’d like a cheese overdose before you even get started on that fried mozzarella, check out Metallica’s performance from last night at AT&T Park in San Francisco. It has been deemed “TOO HEAVY FOR HALFTIME”, which simply means Pharrell Williams was not allowed to participate.

Tune to your local CBS station at 6:30 PM EST to watch the game, and join us below to talk mad shit for the entire ordeal. Come early, blog hard, stay late. Also, I will permaban any nerd that attempts to discuss “soccer” or unironically uses the term “handegg”. You have been warned.

(Image Via, Via)

Written by:

Published on: February 7, 2016

Filled Under: Open Swim

Views: 1557

Tags: , , , ,

  • Boss the Turbid Ross

    *Goes back to clobberin*
    https://youtu.be/X7buLbpLMCw

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Saw them live three times. Same with Madball, Agnostic Front, Terror…
      NYHC is great in a live setting. On tape it doesn’t interest me as much though, but live it’s always a great time.

      • Boss the Turbid Ross

        Thats bad ass! If they ever come near me they are at the top of my list.

  • Sir Tapir The Based
    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      My question is when did Death Grips start recording an album that puts Sonic Youth to shame? This noise makes Sonic Youth look like my feces

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        Post a pic of your feces for reference.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          You don’t want to see my feces.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Oh but I do.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            You really don’t. You’ll be horrified by what you see.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I’ve seen some shit. Literally.

          • Detective Fish

            Finnish people actually poop? Is it imaginary poop?

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Wanna see pics?

          • Detective Fish

            Absolutely! *waves stack of dollar bills over my head*

          • Salvador Dalí Lama

            And this is why people think we’re a scat blog/group…

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            We’re not?

          • Salvador Dalí Lama

            Well, verbal scat, yes. As in diarrhea of the mouth, not in the mouth.

          • Detective Fish

            #ToiletOv2Girls1CupAndTubGirl

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        So its amazing?

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          The new Death Grips is revolutionary.

      • Salvador Dalí Lama

        Sonic? Sonic Youth? Gotta go noise.

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      Can’t wait for “Bottomless Pit”. I wonder what they stored UP THEIR SLEEVES UP THEIR SLEEVES UP THEIR SLEEVES UP THEIR SLEEVES UP THEIR SLEEVES UP THEIR SLEEVES UP THEIR SLEEVES UP THEIR SLEEVES UP THEIR SLEEVES

    • Salvador Dalí Lama
  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Im going to have to play Madden when I get home. My Jets are 6-0-1 in the game.

    • I’ve stopped playing sports games entirely. It’s a foregone conclusion I’m gonna get pissed off when I play them.

  • Evan Clutson

    I hope this game doesn’t suck.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    They should give them clubs and axes, and big suits of armour studded with spikes.

    • ME GORAK B.C.™
      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Yes! Much this sort of thing!

      • Pentagram Sam

        If sports were like the Mutant League games from the old Genesis, I would be a huge fan. As it is, sports are an excuse for me to go to a friend’s pad and gorge on pizza and beer and watch the stress levels of sports betters reach maximum head explosion capacity.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wghznH7Jtbw

        • ME GORAK B.C.™

          BASH EM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • Detective Fish

          I’m actually old enough to remember the Saturday morning cartoon of ML. Well, actually old enough to remember when Saturday morning cartoons were still a ritual/celebration.

    • Detective Fish

      Like Mutant League?

    • Oh that’s good.

      • It put a stupid grin on my face.

        • more beer

          A lot of things on that site do that.

          • Detective Fish

            What site is that?

          • more beer
          • oh my OMG, first timer here. this looks great

          • more beer

            I love that so many people who comment. Don’t realize it is a satire site.

          • you just described the most entertaining thing ever. i owe you.

          • more beer

            It is I go there at least once or twice a week. Just for that.

  • Salvador Dalí Lama

    Good: Rumor has it well shall have a Rogue One: A Star Wars Story trailer during the superbowl.

    Bad: Thanks to this corporate shit heap event, I have no hockey games to play tonight. (American) Football is more of a religion to people than religion in this country. Almost everything shuts down like it’s a holiday.

    Ugly: People who look forward to the commercials. You complain about sitting through a fifteen second YouTube ad, yet you’ll watch something on purpose for the commercials?

    Also; Lars’ ability to keep time. Or drum.

  • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

    Im glad Carolina is gonna prolly win this. Im also mad that people in South Carolina think it has something to do with them.

    • All aboard the bandwagon. You’re gonna have some insufferable people in SC for the next few years.

      • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

        Annex south carolina!

      • I can only imagine what people in golden state are like right now with the Warriors setting records and winning championships and stuff.

    • more beer

      I believe they will win. All of these people in their safety orange Broncos shirts here is blinding.

  • I don’t care about either team. I hope it ends in a draw somehow and then NFL has to do serious damage control.

    • I hate Peyton though so go panthers I guess.

  • Dubs

    Broncos fan checking in: All I’m hoping for is a game less embarrassing than the last Super Bowl appearance.

  • RustyShackleford

    Have no interest in the game, but I ordered six pounds of boneless wings, 120 regular wings, and my buddy is bringing at least 3 racks of ribs. YUP!

  • JWEG

    I think I mentioned last year that, solely because of geographic proximity, British Columbian football fans are supposed to be Seahawks fans by default.

    And, see, if I were much more into gridiron football that I need more than one team to back in more than one league I might willingly go along with it every year. But it only reminds me that Seahawks fans expect it of us, whereas reciprocal support from Washingtonians for our (CFL) B.C. Lions is feeble at best and nonexistent in general.

    That said, the 12 North mania was remarkably subdued this year, which I can only assume means the Seahawks were out much earlier than the last two Superbowls.

    • EsusMoose

      Remember Seahawk fans are the worst only behind the Patriots.
      One thing to note is that people in the US don’t really know or think much of CFL. As most of the talent at the professional level go to the NFL, it’s basically the run off of the college level players.
      We also don’t get broadcasts for the Canadian games so only the dedicated would have to watch them in what ever time slot they’re in.

    • Seahawks should have ran the ball.

      • more beer

        A Pop Warner team would have run the ball in that situation. That call really made me think the game was fixed.

        • I’ll never understand it. You’re in the red zone with arguably the best running back in the lewgue with the championship on the line and you fucking pass the ball? No wonder lynch is contemplating retirement.

          • more beer

            It was fixed is my only explanation. You keep the ball on the ground and run out the clock. Every team has done this since the game was invented. What happened there is the reason why.

    • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

      Perhaps. But that track is tite

      • True, it is good stuff, shoulder pads or not.

  • Lacertilian

    After just hearing a man I’m assuming is Peyton Manning speak, I’m convinced he is Cameron Poe.

  • Update: I rubbed my jalapeno-juice covered hands into my eyes making chili.

    • Boss the Turbid Ross

      FFUUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!!!!!!!

    • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

      I made chili last night. Except i did the exact same thing with habeneros

    • 👀🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥👀💀💀💀💀💀

    • BobLoblaw

      Better than not wearing gloves while cutting habaneros, going to the bathroom and having an intense heat emanating from your cock and balls most of the day. I guess it wasnt entirely unpleasant in retrospect.

  • Detective Fish

    Prediction: most of these guys will either go broke soon after retiring (Manning won’t obviously), or whine about concussions and the NFL not telling them that running into each other head first 3 Stooges style is bad for you, or both.

    How anyone likes this slow, felon-driven borefest is beyond me.

    • ***DEAFENING FART NOISES****

      • Detective Fish

        Wings and Coors Lite has that effect. *slides you some Tums and Beano*

  • Commercials are bad and not good.

  • Question: if a player stabs the opposing team’s QB during the super bowl to ultimately win the game, would be still get a super bowl ring?

    • more beer

      Wouldn’t that just be a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty? Seems like it to me.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Denver just might win this Joe. Accept it.

      • COMING BACK WITH A BIG TD

        • Mayk Benynton

          That was a nice dive.

        • more beer

          Manning is going to fall apart in the 2nd half. It’s what he does.

          • Possibly physically fall apart too.

          • more beer

            That too. He is an antique by NFL standards.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Panthers O > Broncos D

            Rel simple

          • more beer

            I’m a Giants fan in Denver. I don’t want the Broncos to win.

        • Detective Fish

          Misread that as ‘Coming back with a big STD’.

  • COAL GROHL

    MATT DAMON

  • COAL GROHL

    They just played scrimm song in that Acura spot

  • I blame Joe for that terrible Amy Schumer commercial.

  • see, you fools are doin’ it all wrong. i always vote for the HOME team, that way i have a 50/50 shot at winning the bets.

  • nbm02ss

    So far this is a pretty good handegg game.

  • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD
  • Coldplay is an abomination

    • more beer

      You are being far too nice.

      • They should probably just slink away quietly. Getting upstaged hard.

        • more beer

          I find it all horrible.

        • Detective Fish

          And get mutually uncoupled from existence.

  • Salvador Dalí Lama

    This half time show looks so…fake. Like it looks like they are playing in a studio with multiple green screens in the background. The lighting looks so unnatural.

  • Salvador Dalí Lama

    Halftime should have been Mike Patton switching between FNM, Fantomas, and Bungle playing “Jizzlobber”, “Page 11”, and “Love Is A Fist”.

    • …Ellipsis…

      Delìrium Còrdia in full, complete with onfield surgery and a Lombardo/Slayer reunion.

      • Salvador Dalí Lama

        I’d just prefer Page 11 played over and over for 15 minutes.

    • Detective Fish

      It’d be even more entertaining if GG Allin were still alive and doing the whole show.

      • Salvador Dalí Lama

        But he is, this game is his ghost taking a giant shit on us.

      • more beer

        Yea because a naked guy in cowboy boots and a dog collar would go over so well in middle America. He could do a medley set. Starting with Needle in my Cock, Followed by Fucking the Dog, Into Drink, Fight Fuck, and end with Eat MY Fuck.

        • Detective Fish

          And gotta fit Hard Candy Cock and Lick My Ass It Smells somewhere in there!

  • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

    Damn. Not how i thought this was gonna go

    • more beer

      There is a lot of time left.

  • Dubs

    This is a very defense-oriented game. Not everyone likes that, but it can be fun to watch.

  • Dubs

    Is it just me, or does Newton look as rattled by Denver’s defense as Brady did? Also, lol at Manning’s flaccid old man passes.

    • Dubs

      Edit: Rickety old Manning

      • more beer

        He is done after this game.

        • Dubs

          Good. Let’s give Osweiler some more experience.

          • more beer

            He played well while Manning was hurt. But I am a Giants fan, that will never change.

          • Dubs

            That’s fair. I grew up a Broncos fan. It’s fun living in Texas because the Cowboys have been mediocre for so long. The butthurt is exceptional.

          • more beer

            Living here I see the Broncos constantly. Being a Giants fan I hate the Cowboys. My second favorite team is who ever is playing them. I can see watching the butthurt being rather amusing.

          • more beer

            It sounds like the 4th of July here right now.

          • Detective Fish

            I’m a Bears fan simply out of hometown pride. I’m sure the Bears have been mediocre longer than the Cowboys, and on top of that we’ve got the Cubs. *le sigh*

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      You said flaccid.

  • I blame the liberal media

  • Dubs
  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Denver has won. Joe was wrong.

    • Boss the Turbid Ross

      Joe, even though I’m not a big football fan I think this was a really great idea. It was cool that everyone was watching at the same time and commenting as it went on. It was also fun reading what everyone was thinking and the little tangents that went on below. All in all, I can get behind this. You gentlemen are the best, keep it up.

  • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD
    • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

      Also . . . Did anyone watch that metallica concert? What garbage.

      Anyway im done with today. Stupid fucking handegg f@ggot game

      • Detective Fish

        What Metallica concert?

      • Dubs

        Smh at folks still using that word as an insult.

        • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

          Handegg?

          • Dubs

            f@ggot. Only drunk frat dudes think that’s funny.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            I wouldnt direct it at a person, but i have no qualms about using it as an epithet for places things and ideas.

          • Dubs

            Well do so elsewhere. Makes the rest of us look bad.

    • Fuck yes! Been meaning to get this one. Love their last two albums.

      • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

        Eroding Winds still has a couple copies

  • EsusMoose

    Didn’t get to comment as I was at a party but definitely a fun game to watch, I enjoyed watching both qbs be hounded by the defenses. The fumbles were great times. I also ate like a pig, good times

  • Detective Fish

    Woah, it looks like Peyton was trying to nibble on Papa John’s ear! “Papa, thanks so much! Meet me in the locker room, I need you to…………. stuff my crust with your chicken popper”.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Denver won. Yay! A lot of you weren’t good at picking the winning team.

  • Dat prediction tho…

    • Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes people lose everything in their Bovada account.