Let’s go to the Renaissance Faire!

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Good morning upon ye, my metal brothers and sisters! Hath the swaddling darkness of the preceding night rested thy spirit? Let me ask thee a question: art thou bored? Doth thou wish to break with tradition of reading ye Privy Ove Helle and embrace ways most honourable? Doth thou wish to see wench cleavage spilleth over bodices with gleeful abandon and wield a blade most fearful to thine enemies? Then accompany me, if thou wilt, to ye grande olde renaissance faire!

Many a hero and foe pass through the gates of this village; some to trade, some to conquer, and some perhaps to find love with a eye-pleasing forest sprite, perchance. Woe then, fellow adventurer, that my own legacy hath such a fate, although I don’t talk about Samantha anymore because she fucking broke up with me in the glass-blowing tent last year, fucking bullshit…

I mean, let us quaff the many wonders of olde times to slake our thirst for glory! Onward!

RF_hornman

Look yonder! ‘Tis a horrid man-beast with flaming horns and markings of war! Surely some vile forces hath conjured up whatever eye-concealing machinations he wears upon his brow! Keep thine eyes vigilant, for he may try an attack come dusk!

RF_monk

Here be the dark monk Gary, who also selleth herbs of smoking in the parking lot. Ignoreth the child-carriage astride him, for it carries an heir not of his loins.

RF_armor

Gaze upon this villainous armour of the black-winged hordes of Lucifer! Perhaps we shall catch a glance of the clandestine Emperor Magus Caligula as he swingeth by for repairs on his frostbitten stage ensemble! Leather is a cruel mistress friends, as it casts an impressive sheen to maidens but scratcheth a hero’s man-boobs to no end.

RF_eltonjohn

Huzzah! ‘Tis Sir Elton John of olde! Holdeth me closer, pygmy jester! Counteth the torch lights on the battlement!

RF_greenman

Here be the stout green man of this faire village, drinking deeply from his goblet of wine made of grapes from his very head. ‘Tis said that he bears distant relation with the legendary day man (fighter of the night man), a champion of the sun and master of an unknown combating skill of Asian origin.

RF_oldfairy

MOM GET OUT OF THE PICTURE! I SAID I’D MEET YOU AT THE JOUSTING CONTEST IN TWENTY MINUTES! God she always does this to me… I mean, my mother is a fair but stern matron, although she casts her shadow upon my daring feats more often than I would have it. Shall we continue, then?

RF_darkness1

Hark! The black demons reveal themselves! Reacheth for thy foam-covered weapons of LARPing, my brave companions! To war!

RF_darkness2

Aagh, shield thy ears for the succubus plays thee a song of death! Swingeth thy weapons wildly with no regard for the surrounding peasants! They are casualties of our glory! Payeth no attention to mine sweat stains, for I consumed much Mountain Dew Voltage prior to our entrance and the accursed caffeine casts its spell upon me still!

RF_glassguy

Alas, this place doth hold much sorrow in my heart, for it is where the witch-maiden and I parted ways many months ago, yet always do I feel the bitter sting of the poison arrow of her being such a bitch about it…

RF_sam1

OH FUCK THERE SHE IS NOW, fuck fuck fuck! I knew she was coming today too, why did I still buy tickets? Ignore my ramblings fellow questors! Look not upon yonder skank-enchantress who clove my heart in twain and littered my apartment with her Etsy-bound peasant craftings, for she is a siren that hath many spells of romancing with which to splinter thy resolve!

RF_sam2

God she looks amazing, she lost so much weight… Be not concerned at my duress, adventurers! For I hath simply the need to cast off the effects of her passive-aggressive “our relationship has become stale” bitchcraft! I cannot help my desires to lay about my one-bedroom castle for days upon end making play-war upon my screen of magic! It relaxeth me!

RF_sam3

What’s this? She casts aloft a lustful glance and a wave of her hand which last wielded a middle finger at me… upon whom does she wish it to land? What doomed soul shall suffer my same fate?

RF_dude

OH GODDAMMIT NO! NO! NOT THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE KYLE! He only got that stupid faun character job because his fuckface of an uncle runs the chainmail store! Fuck! Fuuuuuuuucck! She was always talking about how much fun he seemed, wow I’m so incredibly stupid.

It was right in front of my face the whole time… if I had only cleaned up once in awhile, eased up on the Skyrim, taken her out to dinner like when we first met… I could have prevented the whole thing. The entire last year could have been so different. So much better. I miss her so much…

Uh… so, my fellows of the quest for glory, I uh, I hath reached the end of my rope for this day. My heart and mind are rent asunder like so many watermelons upon my apartment lawn as I strove for ultimate sharpness of my recreation Legolas knives. Now I shall take my leave of thee and seek out the one, true thing that bathes my soul in heavenly light while also bathing my gullet in blissful, fleshy goodness.

RF_turkeylegs

 

  • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

    “Holdeth me closer, pygmy jester!”

    /dead – Joey T.

    • “… lay about my one-bedroom castle for days upon end making play-war upon my screen of magic.”

      CO has a true gift.

      GL

  • Tyree

    More like catch a glance of Clandestine Blaze. New album rules, Mikko Aspa can do no wrong.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpSi8RcA20s

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

      I’m pretty sure diddling kids is wrong.

      • Tyree

        You are correct.

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          Dude’s got a pedophilia-themed noise project.

          • Tyree

            You talking about his Porno-grind band. Creamface?

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            No, he has a noise band that’s specifically about pedophilia.

          • Tyree

            Noise isn’t really my thing any ways so I’ll probably not like it. Most of what he does musically I like though, even if it is deranged.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            He’s also got some nasty porn magazines. In one interview he stated that in his opinion no porn goes too far.

          • more beer

            Everything I`ve ever heard about this guy has been vile.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Dude’s fucked alright. Though I don’t think he is paedophile (at least, not a “practising” one). Even though all the stuff in those magazines is legal, some of it… makes you thinl, not in a good way either.
            But dude has made some killer albums.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I read somewhere that some of his magazines publish real life stories about the illegal stuff, but no pictures.

          • Yes, it seems so. I read one interview of him talking about that, and he told that he even avoid to promote his magazines, he only sells them in private adult stores or something.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Yeah, at least animal stuff. Although publishing stories of them is legal still, I think (even if it’s real life, can’t verify I guess)

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I still listen to the stuff he’s in. I think I’ve heard one Nicole 6 song and it wasn’t good.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Isn’t it Nicole 12? Anyways I don’t like that. It seems mostly spokem word over a hum (heard 2 songs, I think) but Grunt, Clandestine Blaze and Deathspell Omega I do listen to. And the rest… occasionally.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I think it’s Nicole 12, I’m just a huge fuck up.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Yes, yes you are.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            My motto is “it’s not if I will disappoint you, it’s WHEN will I disappoint you”

          • Tyree

            I honestly had no idea about this Nicole 12 project of his. Just looked it up on Youtube. Fucking awful in every sense.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Barf city.

          • Tyree

            Yes. Kinda regret looking it up now. Fuck my curiosity.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            It is. Honestly I heard about late last year too I think. There’s understandably less than few mentions of it.

          • Tyree

            Seriously, this is the first I’ve heard of it. I basically listen to the projects that you listed above. Grunt, Clandestine Blaze and Deathspell Omega.

          • more beer

            Does the number really matter? It might be 12. It`s about fucking children. That`s all that should matter. They dude should be put down.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            …No the number doesn’t really matter.

          • more beer

            I`ve know some very questionable people in my life. But this kind of shi,t practicing or not is just too fucked up. Fuck his music. There is plenty of good music that doesn`t involve pedophiles.

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart
      • Tyree

        So is he raping kids or something?

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          It’s the theme of the project. Dude’s a dirtbag by all accounts, though he hasn’t been arrested or anything.

          • more beer

            Nicole 6 and the dude is an complete scumbag. Not even close to an okay theme even if he isn`t doing Ian Watkins type shit.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            I agree. It’s kind of like this. If I walked into an art gallery and saw a painting glorifying molestation, it wouldn’t matter to me how cool the artist’s other work is.

          • Tyree

            Dirtbag or not, he puts out some killer releases that I enjoy listening to. I’m a dirtbag.

          • more beer

            Absolutely not. Even condoning that type of shit against children should put you in jail.

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

            And once the other inmates hear about that, it’s a one way trip from the top rails into the concrete head first.

          • more beer

            After they stretch his asshole to the size of the Lincoln Tunnel.

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart
          • more beer

            That is actually at the Metro Detention Center in Albuquerque. It is actually a really fucked up county jail. My friends mom is in charge of intake there. She has told me some fucked up stories about that place.

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

            One of my best friends told me about his time at the Joliet prison while it was still around. Let’s just say his stories were pretty gruesome.

          • more beer

            But that was a prison. This a county jail. There is a big difference.

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

            Doh!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            *Joilet

          • Angry Ghosts In My Boogers

            I was about to correct you until I saw the joke. I gotta wonder what a TOH prison would be like. I think that might be a new article idea!

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

            I heard about the whole Nicole 6 thing and stopped listening to Deathspell Omega for that reason. I do have limits.

          • i’m not sure i could do that. i’ll just have to drink more beer and hope to kill away the brain cells that know about the guy.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            You could use the excuse that he is not responsible for either music or lyrics. Just the vocals.

          • i like to think someone else writes all the stuff and just says “here, read these off”

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Well that is what happens.

          • sorry bae

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            In this case, no need to be sorry at all.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            *peeks from behind the tree*
            Kiss him you fool!

          • more beer

            No I`m pretty sure claims responsibility.

          • more beer

            So do I. This kind of shit is unacceptable.

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

            On tour now with Blood On The Dance Floor and LostProphets.

  • Don Henley’s Ego

    If you need me I shall be eating mutton.

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt

    Did someone say Ren Faire cleavage?

  • Guppusmaximus

    Let’s not and say we did. LOL…Such nostalgia for a time where you were lucky to live into your teens.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

      I’ve always been curious to check out a Renn Faire. The people-watching has to be amazing.

      • I feel the same morbid curiosity about Renn Faire as I do the Gathering of the Juggalos.

        • Guppusmaximus

          Oh, I thought you said ‘morbid obesity’. Whoops, my bad.

          • careful, that is bananable offense!

            GL

          • Tomato/Tomato

          • Pagliacci is Kvlt

            I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t exactly slim the last time I went to a Ren Faire.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            30 year Ab workout…

        • Don Henley’s Ego

          I have a curiosity about GOTJ as well.

        • The Fish Boz

          I have no curiosity surrounding the Gathering of the Juggalos. I’d like to live for a couple months at Florida’s Sausage Castle.

          • Herr Schmitty

            Sausage castle, whaaaaaaaat, that place be craaaaaaayyyyyyy

        • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

          You could save your money, stay home and watch ‘Gummo’ and get the whole vide of GOTJ.

      • more beer

        If you`ve been to one you`ve been to them all. I went to the one in New York years ago. Because a really hot girl dragged me to it. But once was enough.

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          I know that one in Colorado is pretty popular. Is it in Larkspur?

          • more beer

            I believe so. My buddy tried to drag me to it with his family last month. I passed but he said they had a good time.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Usually, you don’t have to drag someone to a good time, right? 😛

          • more beer

            I`ve been before. Not my idea of a good time. He also isn`t close to as hot as the girl I went with the time I did go.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Oh yea, that’s when the little head takes over for the…er, um… the big head takes… aw, fuck it. Those hot chicks can make an art museum sound like an unfuckwithable event.

          • more beer

            Yes they can. Plus she is a very cool chick. I still talk to her from time to time.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            I once got a pedicure for this very reason. The Vietnamese lady made fun of my skinny legs, so I vowed to never return.

          • Guppusmaximus

            I went ONCE when my wife & I were dating and she coerced me into getting the bottom of my feet sanded. Let’s just say that being ticklish doesn’t translate very well into their culture…

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M31njYuuVeo

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Haha, I actually enjoyed the feet sanding.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Yea, I couldn’t hang… lol.

          • more beer

            As long as they are not using a belt sander with course sand paper.

          • JAJAJAJAJAJA!!!

          • Guppusmaximus

            If you don’t wash your feet and close your eyes you can smell the fresh Parmesan…*yuck*

          • more beer

            Did you do the one where they have the goldfish eat the dead skin off of your feet?

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            No, they didn’t offer that service. Sounds wild!

          • more beer

            I`ve only seen it. Seemed really weird to me. But different cultures.

        • Don Henley’s Ego

          You’re talking about the one in Tuxedo Park, right? I’ve never been to a renaissance fair and I hope I don’t have to go to one ever.

          • more beer

            One and the same. I went to an Oktoberfest there that was awesome.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            It must have been. I went to a great restaurant for my dad’s birthday yesterday. They had a burger with pork belly, a potato pancake, cheese and some special relish on pretzel bread. It was so good.

          • Tyree

            How was your run today?

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            What run? I haven’t gone running in a while.

          • Tyree

            Not even a run to the toilet?

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            No. Food doesn’t make me have to go to the bathroom unless it’s really disgusting.

          • What?

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I only go to the bathroom when I eat too much or if the food makes me sick.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            So if you only eat little, you will never need to take a shit?

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            The problem is I have to pee a lot because I drink a lot of liquid in a day.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Drink less.

          • What in the mother hell are you all talking about.

            GL

          • JJD can eat little and drink little and he can live without going to the bathroom.

            I wish I have that superpower, so I don’t have to waste toilet paper.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I don’t know. I must be sleep deprived because my cat kept me up all night.

          • Let me guess, the cat doesn’t shit either?

            GL

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            It only shits when it eats too much. I wonder if their shitting sessions sync?

          • Nsync: (verb) When Don Henley and his cat are synced as one.

            GL

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I’m trying to obey Joe’s wishes and not talk about bathroom stuff.

          • DCLXVI

            that sounds like a prostate infection kiddo

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I don’t have a prostate problem. I’m hoping I don’t.

          • more beer

            You know there is only one way to find out. That is by having a finger shoved up your ass.

          • KJM

            I take BP meds that make me pee, a lot.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Are u guys pee buddies?

          • KJM

            I pee alone, yeah with nobody else…

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            You guys could cross streams.

          • KJM

            NEVER cross the streams.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I’ve crossed the pee streams with a friend before. It was glorious!

          • KJM

            I’m not really a social urinator.

          • So, if you eat little by little you don’t poo?

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            If I eat very little food I don’t usually have to go for a while. If I eat a lot I have to go almost immediately.

          • STOOOOOOP. Christ.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I’m stopping. Sorry for hijacking the thread Papa Joe.

          • KJM

            POOP.

          • * SPOOOOOOP. Christ.

          • Tyree

            You are full of shit Don.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            Speaking of which I do have to go to the bathroom now. I must be literally full of shit having held it since this morning.

          • Tyree

            Yeah! TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT with dem poops.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            Tyree plz! Joe told me not to talk about my bathroom habits. I don’t want to be On The Border of getting banned when I was Already Gone before.

          • God dammit. I didn’t know this was JJD!

            GL

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            How did you not know?

          • more beer

            He got me yesterday. The dad rock name should have been a clue.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I found it out by being a detective.

          • You were banned?

            You’re a very dangerous young Don, my friend. Respects, but my Half-Elf culture makes me stay away from people like you. I don’t want human drugs and that thing.

          • more beer

            He`s one of the SXE ones here!

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I sure am!

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I was also banned once (for like ten minutes). Does this mean you have to stay away from me too? 🙁

          • more beer

            He needs to stay away from you because you will eat his pants.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I only eat my own pants

          • I had some screwed up dream where I was getting pictures of Tapirs on my wildlife camera, last night.

            #thinkingofyou

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I’m not sure if I should be scared or flattered.

          • more beer

            By wild life camera I think he means the scope on his rifle.

          • LOLZ!!!

          • more beer

            GL is an outdoorsy type of guy.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Why would someone want to kill me? I’m just a little tapir.

          • more beer

            Tapir it`s whats for dinner.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Gorak has said that tapir tastes like shit.

          • more beer

            But he still hasn`t figured out how to use fire.

          • Well I am not sure if I feel completely stupid, or just mostly stupid for saying that out loud.

            GL

          • more beer

            Fair enough!

          • I use good quality pants, he will probably have a great meal.

          • more beer

            Apparently yours are`t good enough for him. He only eats his own. Which makes no sense. None of us want to see him without pants.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            None of you are even going to see me. I will eat other people’s pants, but only if they give me a consent. Non-consensual pants eating is sick.

          • What kind of degenerate want to engage in non-consensual pants eating!?

          • Tyree

            Mikko Aspa.

          • more beer

            Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I bet Don is into that shit

          • more beer

            He is a growing boy.

          • more beer

            I`m planning my next vacation to your little Finnish village. Oh and Smitty whatever the fuck his name is will be joining me.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            You’ll never find me.

          • more beer

            How many Tapirs can there be in Finland? We will use your avatar picture. We will show it to your countrymen and they will lead us right to you. We will then drink with the bear god.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I’ll have my buddies chop you fucks up with axes. We’ll get to heat the sauna with you two.

          • more beer

            We are coming from America. Your axes are no match for our guns. Maybe I will invite GL along also since he has that rifle and scope. I mean wildlife camera.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Except that you won’t be having those guns in Finland.

          • more beer

            You keep believing that.

          • Tyree
          • more beer

            Jesus Christ there weren`t that many guns on my ship when I was in the navy. I wonder if he fired everyone of them?

          • Tyree

            It’s pretty ridiculous and quite the mystery. I don’t follow the news much, but this story really caught my attention. Seems no one has a clue to what this guy was up to or where he got the money to buy millions of dollars worth of brand new guns and ammo.

          • more beer

            I kind of recall hearing about a dude who died with a lot of guns. I`m guessing they know more than they are saying. You would have to have a federal firearms permit. To amass that much fire power and ammo.

          • Tyree

            Very true. Still fucking nuts though.

          • more beer

            Fuck yea. That is a well armed one man militia.

          • Well, ten minutes is a short time. It seems our friend Don is a far more dangerous person than both of us!

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            He probably has ties to the Russian mafia.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Do you eat da poopoo?

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            NO.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Both figuratively and literally.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I already said literally so you’re too late.

          • Tyree

            Take It Easy. Loosen your load.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I now have a peaceful easy feeling having just finished going to the bathroom.

          • Filth is his life.

          • more beer

            That sound delicious.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            Oh, it was.

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

            Hell, it’s Oktoberfest everyday over in K-Town (Chicago, up on Addison and Pulaski) and Andersonville (Swedish neighborhood on the north side)!

          • more beer

            Any day can be Oktoberfest. This was actually an organized event with lots of beer.

      • Guppusmaximus

        I guess I prefer the soft porn Cosplay at the comic conventions.

        Nothing beats a hot chick dressed up as whoever the fuck this is

        http://img.izismile.com/img/img7/20140731/640/one_of_comic_cons_hottest_girls_this_year_R01wB_640_02.jpg

        • CyberneticOrganism

          This is the best iron man costume yet

        • tertius_decimus

          Rocket launched.

          • Mr. Putin best watch himself.

          • tertius_decimus

            M-m-m… “Horny Putin”… nice theme for my new porn book. I’d write a serie, by the way, the second issue would been called “Putin on the Ritz”.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Write it and you will die “accidentally”

          • tertius_decimus

            I already see the black party van under my windows.

        • more beer

          The pictures mr. kvlt put up of renaissance fair cleavage were not very enticing. Of course they had lot`s of cleavage they were all fat. This is much better!

        • JW(E)G

          Clearly it’s Supergirl

          Now, honestly: who resisted the urge to point out that I’m actually technically half-right?

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Ssshhh, I’m trying to look cool.

          • JW(E)G

            In all honesty, I’ve learned more about current DC/Marvel comics ‘history’ in the last year from following Peter Simeti on Twitter than from any other source (including the comics themselves).

            Sort of related, and certainly significant:
            https://twitter.com/petersimeti/status/627924994316705793

          • Guppusmaximus

            Hell Yeah, Rhonda Rousey mentioned his passing after kicking that bitches ass this weekend in 34 seconds. I may have stopped watching wrestling when I got into my teens but those golden days of Wrastlin in the 80s were great!

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I wouldn’t have known.

          • Dude, it is Swiss cheese girl. I mean look at the hole placement. Clearly swiss cheese.

            GL

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

            I know the perfect guy for her! (true story, btw)

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yq8T6uM49DY

          • Guppusmaximus

            Clearly she could be whomever she wants to be. It’s hard to see identities with the lights off 😛

          • more beer

            And her costume in a ball on the floor.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            She does look very pretty. I’d tap that.

          • Tyree

            Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down Don.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I’ll go for it after the boys of summer have gone.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Sounds like some sloppy 555552nds…

          • Control your hormones, Don.

  • That plant sprite looks very cool, CyBroh.

    I always wanted to go to those weird Renaissance Faire stuff; even when they aren’t making Renaissance era and it’s medieval lol.

    • The Fish Boz

      Haha, I never understood why they use the term “Renaissance”, probably for the same linguistic reasons you don’t.

      • EsusMoose

        Yeah sounds cooler, and it’s not like anyone actually knows history in Freedom-land.

      • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

        If it were Renaissance, there’d be a whole lot more people dressed up as African Moors. You know, the people that the Renaissance folk ripped off.

    • tertius_decimus

      Medieval or not, Renaissance is just a one side, one pole of bipolar period in history which came at late medieval age. Rich people, like Catholic popes, kings and queens, their beau monde and all that glamorous shit had “Haute Renaissance”, but mere mortals like you and me were having the “Reformation” during which nothing pretty much has been changed in comparison to dark medieval time.

  • The Fish Boz

    Don’t get me wrong but the skank-enchantress is wifey material. I wonder if her armpits are also green.

    • Lacertilinger

      Well being an armpit they’re most likely dank, and the colour of dank is surely green.

      • The Fish Boz

        Or in other words the way to my heart

  • Void Dweller

    Check out my warlock cock.

    • CyberneticOrganism
    • Tyree

      I am the Moonstar!!!

      • Void Dweller

        I have been to the land of Slothdarthia and slayed the Bog Beast.

    • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

      Is that you, Charlie Sheen?

  • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart
    • CyberneticOrganism

      Glen Benton + Finntroll = Glenntroll

      • How many percent of Hilarious.exe is up in your system today? You’re on fire!

      • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

        BTW, I’m stealing that term ‘skank-enchantress’.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          BEHOLD MY PAST CONQUESTS

  • Count_Breznak

    Sooo….a ‘Renaissance Faire’ is pretty much ‘Pagan metal night at the local club – open air edition’ ?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      It is quite ridiculous, yes.

  • EsusMoose

    Unless all fairs look the same, that looks like the Minnesota renaissance festival. I know because I’m a nerd and I’ve tried to go when I can.

  • Where the FUCK is the power metal?

    • Tyree

      Up the dragons ass. Go get it dragon fucker.

      • KJM

        This is Metal, and it’s damn fuckin’ powerful.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ldt8G55yJQ

        • new youtube font is confusing

        • Don Henley’s Ego

          This is good shit.

          • Another 1$ to the bad-words jar!

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            He’s so vulgar.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I don’t try to be but it’s so good I felt I had to use profanity to explain it.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            That’s a sin. Do you wanna come to hell with me and the rest of the sinners?

          • next thing you know he’s gonna be drinking and doing drugs. #won’tsomeonepleasethinkofthechildren?!?!

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I’m straight edge. I will never do drugs or drink or smoke.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Didn’t you say that you were gonna drink when you’re 21?

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I changed my mind. I don’t want to become an alcoholic because that runs in my family and I’m predisposed to it.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Well, looks like we have something in common then.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            We do have something in common. We also like prog such as KC and Strawbs.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Never been a Strawbs fan.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            They’re so good though! Rick Wakeman’s finest hour was on their Antiques and Curios live album!

          • more beer

            Just control yourself drinking once in a while isn`t going to make you an alcoholic. I`m more beer for fucks sake. I like to drink a lot but not everyday of my life. just know your limitations.

          • more beer

            Nailed to the X. You Know SXE kids don`t have sex either, don`t you?

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Aren’t they often vegan as well?

          • more beer

            Yes. They are no fun what so ever. They are also very preachy about their lifestyle.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            Yeah, I’ve always tried to stay as far away from them as possible.

          • more beer

            I do too. But I have been around them. There were a lot of them on the NYHC scene in the mid 80`s into the 90`s. But there were also a lot of people on that scene who weren`t SXE.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            What happened to our sweet little JJD? WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I’m 20 “dad”. I can do what I want. Gosh!

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            You know it must be that damned rock music that’s doing this to him.

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            It’s my life “dad”! You just don’t understand!

          • JJD is swearing too much lately. So, we are making a jar in which when he says something inappropiate he will have to put 1$ for each bad word and Papa Joe will collect the money to buy me toilet paper, canned food, Game Boy Advance games and CDs <3

          • Don Henley’s Ego

            I’ll try and stop swearing.

          • Oh, no, continue swearing 😉 I want to play Tetris Attack.

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

            And a chocobo.

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart
      • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

        Better a dragon than what Clandestine Blaze is talking about fucking!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Here thou go, forget not thine elf-ears lest ye be slain by accursed jockbros

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WGzr9s4mGM

    • tertius_decimus
      • CyberneticOrganism

        Повер метал! Хоч Хеч!

        • tertius_decimus

          Ы.

    • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

      Here’s over 5 hours worth of the good underground stuff for ya!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ihe_zEYRPuw

  • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart
    • tertius_decimus

      Have you ever been in DPRK? I mean, really, not meaning that impostor thing.

      • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

        Nope. Read countless books and watched countless documentaries on it though. I’m practically a walking encyclopedia on the subject.

        • tertius_decimus

          Asking this out of curiosity: I believe there are many close ties in the way of living in USSR and DPRK. Coming down from family affairs and all that surrounds, brainwashing machine IS the nation, everyone involved even if he/she doesn’t realize or recognize that. So the question is: are there any different minds and what do they think? There were numerous dissidents in USSR who ended in Gulag or was shot down and numerous who made it through. Interesting to ask someone who travelled to DPRK and talked to DPRK citizens with different mindsets.

          • A Dark & Curious Sausagefart

            The stories from defectors from North Korea are quite interesting, but they normally don’t think differently until they escape the country. Simply because they’ve been taught that way from birth, and adjusting to everywhere else is difficult. I’d highly recommend reading Escape From Camp 14 on the subject or any of the countless interviews with defectors on Youtube.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mcgnuy1yZYw

  • Guacamole Jim

    I know people who have gone to renaissance fairs. I’m glad to have read this; I now understand what goes through their minds.

    Also: art thou bored?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUxY2Tz6spE

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Fuck thee for getting this stuck in my head

  • Waynecro

    Hilarious! I’ve never been to a Ren fair before, but I grew up in San Diego and went to the Comic Con a bunch of times before it turned into the massive event it is today. They used to have these weapons booths that were frequently operated by ladies wearing wench attire. If you hung around checking out battleaxes and flails for long enough, you might see a rogue titty-nipple.

  • I’ve been to a couple renaissance faires in my life and didn’t really enjoy them much because of the amount of people smoking (burning tobacco gives me crippling headaches). I totally would love to dress up and go to one. I would turn it on it’s head a little by donning my bishop’s robe but also a plague doctor mask. I would like to go around flinging herbs and candles at people.

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    This is actually depressing as fuck.