Have you ever thought, “You know, I don’t waste enough time on the internet”? Luckily for you, we have a way to make sure you never sleep again.
As any self-respecting flusher will tell you, metal is more than just a genre. It can be an outlook that seeps into your everyday life, like a possibly serious medical condition. A love of metal can frame everything from your entertainment choices, the clothes you wear, the people you hang around, and how you choose to smell. While there is a world of diversity among us metalheads, it seems like we can find common ground in a love for all things creepy, absurd, macabre, horrifying, and mysterious. Whether we’re describing books, movies, or video games, we love finding ways to use “metal” as an adjective. That doesn’t mean that the thing we’re describing is only accessible to metalheads, just that it can be considered a no-brainer for someone who loves blast beats and brutality.
It is along those lines that we present the website www.scp-wiki.net to the Toilet. What we have here is essentially an online mythos: a user-generated world that explores mystery, horror, and the unknown to the nth degree. The website is presented as a very convincing database of the fictional SCP (Secure, Contain, Protect) Foundation, a massive, shadowy organization that deals with all paranormal and unexplained phenomena on Earth. Each piece is presented in a strict format as a “case file,” or a document that explains a particular paranormal instance. You can read any of the 2,000+ files, tales that center around Foundation personnel and SCP interaction, or experiment logs that give greater detail into this massively addictive world.
So why is this on a metal blog, you ask? Like I said above, this one is a no-brainer for us metal folk. The subjects of these case files range from a lake of blood that leads to another dimension, a murderous statue, a staircase with no bottom but plenty of evil entities, to a pizza box that, when opened, has a slice of your favorite pizza waiting (ok, not all of them are dark and scary, but pizza is good). Stockhausen ‘n friends are going to help you get started, so kick back and check out a few of our favorites, accompanied by a metal track that fits the dark and dismal mood of these things. (Disclaimer: the Toilet ov Hell is not responsible for the massive amounts of time lost to the SCP website).
Kickin’ off our list is SCP-517. The object is a standard, coin-operated fortune telling machine called “Grandmother Predictions,” but the power cord is cut and there is no reaction when a coin is inserted. Instead, it’s activated when any human is within its field of vision. The “grandmother” figure inside turns to face the target, and a fortune is produced. Fortunes tend to be douchey, passive-aggressive comments that suggest you could have done better (e.g., Grandma hates you for joining that infernal heavy metal band). But it doesn’t stop there, of course. At precisely 1:43 am the following night/morning, DISEMBODIED ARMS APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH. The arms tend to materialize from cramped, dark places, and can extend indefinitely. When apprehended, the target is dragged to the source of the arms and beaten savagely until sunrise. If the subject flees, more arms will appear from suitable areas near the target. There have been no survivors thus far. There may be things that are more brutal than the animatronic upper body of a disappointed old lady conjuring ghostly arms from hell to reduce you to a pile of bloody wet flesh, but so far I haven’t found those things.
Many of the more involved SCPs involve an experiment log or an incident report, and we got one right here. This incident report tells of an SCP researcher who accidentally came within view of SCP-517 when supervising its transport, and the Foundation took extreme countermeasure in an effort to ensure her survival when 1:43 AM rolled around (spoiler alert: she doesn’t make it). Make sure you read it too.
When I first set out to choose a song to accompany SCP-517, Dying Fetus’s “Subjected to a Beating” immediately came to mind. But it felt a little too obvious, and I wanted to get at the dreadful anticipation that comes with waiting until 1:43. I finally settled on “Driftwood” by Secret Cutter. They’re a three-piece sludge/doom/grind band that found the “heavy” knob in their sound and turned it to 11. This song captures the feeling of certain destruction hanging over your head: the curious intro signals the swirl of emotions when granny sets her sights on you, and the massive, sludgy/grindy mess that follows tells you, in no uncertain terms, that you’re a goner. The shrieking vocals depict both your abject fear and misery, as well as the mean, intensely malevolent judgment dealt upon your unlucky existence. Sorry bro. 1:43 AM kicks in around the 3:30 mark, and, well, you know the rest. Buy the album here.
If the world “brutal” describes our first example, then “dark” is what applies to this one. SCP-231 is shrouded in mystery. We know that some sort of cult was involved, and that seven females were rescued when a violent ritual was raided. We know that six of the seven have since died, and the circumstances of each were questionable at best. We know that a certain procedure is essential to the containment of SCP-231-7, and that failure to go by said procedure can result in the birth of something very, very bad. Many SCP files block out sections of text, claiming that data has been redacted or expunged, giving a realistic and officially confidential feel to the piece. This one uses that effect in a masterful way, casting a mysterious shadow over this particular case and leaving a terrifying amount to the imagination. The nature of Procedure 110-Montauk is pretty obvious, but the reasoning, specific results, and details are fascinatingly vague. As if to taunt you even further, the author left a mysterious trail of poetic breadcrumbs in the source code of the page. Spend some time in this one, but don’t be surprised when you find yourself in a dark place.
The accompanying song for this one had to be appropriately horrifying. I probed the depths of the internet and found a track entitled “All the Dread Magnificence of Perversity” by Gnaw Their Tongues. This project is the work of Maurice de Jong, AKA Mories (of Cloak of Altering fame), whose formidable discography boasts dark, twisted interpretations of everything you thought you knew. Gnaw Their Tongues specializes in monumental walls of ghostly, misshapen masses that loom on the horizon, casting sinister shadows much farther than should be possible. There’s a band in there if you really listen for it, but leagues of blackened noise, tortured screams, and primal fear are standing in your way. Check out the track, and buy the album here.
SCP-354 is a deep pool of red liquid with a similar consistency and hue to human blood. Originally deemed a mere curiosity, it was eventually reclassified as a Keter-level threat when it began to sporadically spawn abominable aberrations that laid waste to all Foundation personnel in the proximity of the pool. A new containment was built in an attempt to contain the giant bats, krakens, and mechanical monstrosities, but the vengeful blood pool found other ways to provoke its jailers. A witness testimony from one agent stationed at the containment site seems to indicate that the pool is sentient, but a true understanding of the depths of its menace is currently beyond the Foundation’s grasp.
However, some hints may be gleaned from a mysterious data entry found in the Foundation records detailing a failed expedition into the pool. This entry, although never officially sanctioned (and seemingly having never actually occurred) recalls the voyage down through the dense center of the pool and up into an alien twilight world with a twisted solar cycle, alien plant life, and no wind. The research team in the document is harrowed by mysterious sounds and threats, and if the file is any indication, the hostile plane never allowed them to escape. The true threat of the pool is in the mystery surrounding it.
As an aural demonstration of SCP-354’s menace and mystique, I’ve selected “At the Well” by Neurosis from their 2012 album Honor Found in Decay. This song is a bleak, murky, and dense voyage into the unknown. Beneath the sludgy chords and Kelley/Till’s snarling growls, an unknown and destructive force lurks, biding its time. I especially like the crescendo around the 7:00 minute mark when the song picks up the pace, seemingly transporting you to the other world beyond the pool. This is nicely highlighted by Kelley’s pained intonations of being, “In a shadow world.” The layered vocal barrage that climaxes the song is the perfect representation of the pool’s assault on your senses, and the gentle fade leaves you wondering what truly slumbers beneath the surface. Buy the album here.
There are very few cases in the SCP database that are quite as worrisome as SCP-682. This monstrous life-form is a vile reptilian creature from dubious origin with an inherent loathing for organic life, especially humans, and a troubling penchant for destruction and murder. Aside from indomitable physical strength, quicksilver agility, and an alarmingly high intelligence, SCP-682 is also equipped with the uncanny ability to regenerate from nearly complete physical destruction. This monster simply breathes in material, both organic and inorganic, which its body quickly processes into energy to fuel its blackened heart. Even more disturbing, though, is its ability to adapt to any mechanism or SCPs used to damage, often allowing SCP-682 to mutate a new evolutionary trait that undermines any previous weaknesses. Attempting to kill it makes it stronger.
The Foundation has tried, and failed, desperately to terminate SCP-682 over and over again. Other physically monstrous SCPs, devices, weapons, psionic compulsions, biological hazards, reality altering mechanisms, and interdimensional transportation have all failed to terminate the insurmountable 682. This reptilian juggernaut is a living, seething engine of hatred bent on the complete eradication of sentient life on Earth (and possibly other planets and realities). It is only a matter of time until the acid bath containment fails and SCP-682 is free to kill again, triggering another devastating Keter event.
As the musical accompaniment for the slaughter, I’ve selected “Massacre” by The Berzerker. The Berzerker are the audio equivalent of a reptilian mechanical meat-grinder, and their sound reminds me of a PCP-addled dragon rampaging through a meat-processing plant. The gonzo-grinders batter and bludgeon you with a relentless wall of noise, buzz-saw riffs and gabber drum blasts, leaving you broken and despoiled in a “panorama of desolation” as the voice-over describes. The Berzerker are a monstrous and ruthless killing machine, and “Massacre” is the perfect metaphor for SCP-682. For a truly relentless experience, headbang to The Berzerker tracks in between segments of the SCP-682 Extermination Log.
Who needs a clever title when the actual title is this damn intriguing? It pulls off the incredible feat of being terribly confusing while telling you exactly what you’re going to get. Now a good part of that confusion is probably because you don’t remember the Bible belt residing members of your family telling you the president got hacked up mid-speech between their lectures on Reaganomics. Enter the glory of SCP.
SCP-1981 is archived video footage of President Reagan’s famous “Evil Empire” speech, but with a few key twists. Firstly, a few minutes into the President’s speech it begins to veer from what history has told us he has said. Secondly? Oh, he slowly gets mutilated by an unseen force while continuing to give his speech, no fucks given style. Well, that is until he gets beheaded or has his larynx severed. The creepiest part? This changes every time the tape is played. Reagan’s speech gets more and more nonsensical and he sustains different wounds with each viewing.
Now I’m a man who tries to use every available opportunity to use the song “Cut You Up with a Linoleum Knife”, but in this instance only one band would do: Iron Reagan. Indeed, what better tribute to a tale of Presidential mutilation than the most Presidential crossover/thrash band to grace the scene in the last few years? The song that immediately comes to mind is “The Living Skull.” It’s short, it’s nasty, and it has skull right there in the name. A perfect match for our former President’s shortened video lifespan. Jam it a few hundred times while you read, and pick up the album here.
I don’t want to hype anything up too much, but this is practically the most metal thing I have ever read. Even more so than the lyrics to “Metal Metal Land”. Yes, it’s that serious. SCP-439 at first glance may appear to be nothing more than a run of the mill earwig. A fairly creepy looking little bastard, but nothing scary. Until you go to sleep, that is. You see, 439 will wait in hiding until the host it has selected (always a human) goes to sleep. That’s when the fun begins.
SCP-439 will crawl into its victim’s mouth as they sleep. Shortly after waking up the next morning the host will complain of shortness of breath and chest pain. Soon after begins the onset of Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva, a disorder which cause spontaneous ossification of fibrous tissues in the human body. If you really want to see some fucked up shit, google it and be prepared to make all kinds of weird faces. While it should be obvious at this point that the Queen is turning its host into an armored hive, I don’t want to spoil any more of the process for you. Needless to say, some of the details are a little…gruesome (BE SURE TO READ THE ADDENDUM).
Musically you can never go wrong with Insect Warfare. Whether its mowing the lawn or trying to sync them up with 1989’s Batman or masturbating, their tunes just always seem to fit. This is an instance, though, where music and story were just meant to be together. “Armored Virus” off of their one and only full length, World Extermination, swirls and swarms with the fury of a thousand earwig like creatures devouring your intestines as you lay frozen and helpless. With lyrics featuring lines such as “How can you defend against what you can’t see/Infecting all things in contact with me/unknown origin, no known cure/infecting what was once secure” it really just seems like a match made in entomological hell. Well, as long as you ignore the last line about computers.
Masterlord Steeldragon’s Picks
Did you know that stars are capable of hate? Well, then you obviously don’t know science. Read a fucking book. SCP-1548 hates your guts.
In 1968, then-astronomer “Agent M.” observed that PSR B0531+21, the star at the center of the Crab Nebula, appeared to be moving towards our little Sun with increasing speed and pulsing quite irregularly – aberrant behavior which further research revealed to be an attempt to communicate via Morse code. Its first transcribed message was: “I wake/I see all/And find it lacking.” Since then, SCP-1548 has accelerated to its “apparent maximum velocity” towards our puny planet and regularly pulses out personalized hate-mail to whoever is unlucky enough to be observing it, ranging from personal insults to death threats to all of humanity.
I don’t know if this occurred to the author or not, but the Crab Nebula is about 6,523 light-years from Earth. Thus, SCP-1548 would have had to send its personalized messages 6,523 years previous to their reaching the eyes of the intended recipients. Which really is horrifying, because what was a sentient, mobile solar body that’s pissed off at humankind just became an omniscient, future-seeing, mobile solar body that’s pissed off at humankind. And not just a little pissed off, either. It takes a special kind of hatred to send a message from thousands of light-years away to a human being who won’t even be born for another 6.5k years just to essentially say, “FUCK YOU, YOU’RE DEAD.”
You don’t have to worry, because unless 1548 has some sort of trick to exceed maximum velocity up its nebular sleeve, it won’t be able to destroy the earth and its inhabitants for another 5,700 years.
While admittedly not the most well-written or intricate “case file” in the SCP database, I chose SCP-1548 because space scares the shit out of me and makes me want to listen to Darkspace. I’m of the opinion that the cold emptiness of space is a hell of a lot more frightening than the typical genre tropes of Satan worship and/or demonic penetration, and as a theme lends itself quite well to this type of atmospheric black metal. This song from their latest album, III, is an apt representation of approaching cosmic doom from the depths of the pitchblack vasts. Turn this on, stare at the stars, and see if any of them are talking shit to you via Morse pulsations. Pick up the album here.
SCP-572 isn’t just a sword, it’s one of those shitty collectible swords that you’d see a guy with a bad mustache and stained polo shirt selling at a flea market for way too much money. And if you’re me, you might buy it. Badly balanced, fashioned out of low quality materials, and with “and edge blunter than a butter knife,” its not exactly combat-ready.
Local authorities disarmed SCP-572 from an overweight, drunken disorderly who swore to “take their heads, and with it their power.” Eventually stolen from the evidence locker by SCP covert specialists, the sword was found to have uniquely anomalous properties. Anyone wielding 572 becomes determinedly convinced of its extraordinary effectiveness as a weapon despite it being completely fucking useless. Those effected by its psychotropic influence are often seriously injured while trying to perform impossible stunts or doing other dumb shit with the blade, “including but not limited to: attempting to cut a moving car in half” or “slicing through a bullet fired from a rifle.” Subjects fawn over its “cutting power” and “balance,” and soon report feelings of inhuman strength and invincibility, which compel them to do dangerous and illogical things.
Which, coincidentally, is exactly what happens to me when I listen to power metal. “The March of the Swordmaster” by Rhapsody was obvious. Crank this and do something impossible.*
*Neither Masterlord SteelDragon or Toilet ov Hell is liable for any harm or injury you may sustain while doing something impossible.
What do you guys think? Whether you’re a long-time reader or a newly-obsessed fan, sound off below with your favorite case files, thoughts on these, and maybe some metal along the way.