Let the Beatdown Commence!

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Hello, fellow metal nerds! Let me start by saying that it’s an honor to be able to write for you all and follow in the footsteps of the folks that have led me down the godforsaken path of heavy music. It’s gratifying in a very sad way.

My metal career started with Korn, Slipknot, Bring Me the Horizon, and a bunch of other bands that you liked if you were a pubescent boy in the late 2000’s. I soon realized that those groups make me want to punch things and cry instead of just punch things, so I embarked on a quest for the heaviest nonsense the world has to offer. After a few years, my journey led me to beatdown hardcore/moshcore/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit-core. I discovered people that are not talented in the classical sense, but whose brains operated in the most neanderthalic fashions possible, allowing them to write riffs directly from the most primal and brutish parts of their souls. Allow me to take you all on a tour of the Entry Level section of my own personal Mosh Museum.

Embraced by Hatred – Immortality

While these German bros are far from the best mosh troop around, they are a pretty damn good archetype. Vocalist that looks like a math teacher? Check. Pre-breakdown guitar spin? Check. Gang shouts? Check. Standard tuning for every hardcore guitarist ever? Check. Don’t get me wrong, this song makes me want to do arm windmills at my desk, but I can’t help but giggle at lyrics like “IMMORTALITY/NO ONE CAN STOP ME/IMMORTALITY/STRONGER THAN YOU”.

Sand – Too Late

Japanese people seem to have mastered the art of ignorant music, and I attribute that to their understanding of the br00tal snare. Just listen to that clank! This entire song sounds like rip off of Filth by Hatebreed, but marketed to those little cretins in that movie Kids instead of gym rats. There is truly nothing special about this song, so can someone explain to me why it goes so hard?

Unit 731 – A Plague Upon Humanity

For a reason that is completely foreign to me, Unit 731 seems to fairly unknown. I am yet to find a band that is heavier in the beatdown scene. Everything about them is perfect, from their abrasive vocals, to their production, to their album covers that look like they were painted by an eighth grader with ADD in remedial art class. This song has three breakdowns in a row, and each one makes me involuntarily slam my head into my headboard. If you don’t agree, then you can get the fuck out of here.

Vow of Hatred – P.N.D.

These riffs are bordering on slams, and that’s what makes this band so much fun. Unfortunately, their production sucks and their guitar tone is über weak, so you have to seek it out. But seek and ye shall mosh. Somehow, VoH manage to sound and dress like Euro wigger bros, but are from Pittsburg. Americans dressing like Euros trying to dress like white Americans that are trying to be thugs, playing Euro-style beatdown. That’s some next level shit.

Agitator – Contempt

Until I saw this video, I thought this was a bunch of “working class hardcore” kids trying to be tough AND straight edge. Fortunately, they are a bunch of spazzoids that like to dick around as much as I do. There is something very juvenile about this band, and I love it. They seem aware of how ridiculous SxE is so they embrace it and get silly. These tunes bring out my inner angsty skater teen. (Editor’s note: Dat XFL jersey!!)

What do you guys think of this ignorance? What bands make you want to punch the paint off of a wall? Fill me in. Just don’t bill me for the damage you did while moshing.

  • I have my sweatpants on and I am ready for wiggerish arm movements.

    • Call the Slambulance

      I have my mesh shorts and K-Swiss sneakers. Let’s make windmills in this motherfucker!

      • If I could do life over again, I think I’d like to do it as the singer of Sand.

        • His English is superb.

        • Call the Slambulance

          I’d be up for it purely based off of his rad baseball jerseys.

    • Flushgod Apocalypse
      • I love this.

        • Flushgod Apocalypse

          I crack up at the bird guy every time. I think this was actually filmed not too far from me in Raleigh, NC.

    • W.

      I’ve got some Dying Fetus shorts.

  • Steve Smithwick

    The dude with his eagle tattoo on his stomach in that final video embed… stole the logo for a mediocre English Premier League team called Crystal Palace!

    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/0/0c/Crystal_Palace_FC_logo.svg/150px-Crystal_Palace_FC_logo.svg.png

    • Crystal Palace sounds like a sick NES game.

      • Anthrallica

        Isn’t that the name of a midwest burger chain?

    • If anything, if looks like birdman’s logo. P sure is just a bald eagle cuz America rulez

  • Call the Slambulance

    Joe, that XFL jersey also gave me a wigger boner.

  • Master Of Puppets

    hot topic posers! listen to metallica!!!!

    *flushes down the toilet of hell*

    EXIT LIGHT ENTER NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • HELL YEAH!

    • YESSSSSSSSSS!

    • Call the Slambulance

      It’s an honor to have been flushed.

      • Negrodamus

        It’s the highest honor a man can achieve in this life.

    • LAMENTATIONS OF THE WOMEN

      Welcome!

    • Deputy Dipshit

      Welcome!
      AIMED AT YOU, WE’RE THE TOILET OV HELL!

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Wiping’s done, again we’ve won

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I feel like a new man.

  • PartySmasher

    Just listen to Power Violence brah.

    • Call the Slambulance

      But powerviolence doesn’t have accents and silly arm movements..

      • PartySmasher

        This is true.

    • I generally associate power violence with hardcore weirdos that are pretty intelligent. This is kinda the opposite end of the spectrum.

      • PartySmasher

        It depends on what side of Power Violence you listen to, the side your speaking of is the good shit, but the other half is just neanderthals yelling at ya, warning you of the dangers of drugs while also letting you know there super tough.

        • Call the Slambulance

          I do enjoy power violence, but I never looked into it very far. I kept hitting dead ends and falling into the obnoxious shit that seems like it wants to be grindcore, but is too weak because it survives off of celery and bean sprouts.

          • Despise You, Coke Bust, and Weekend Nachos are my favs in that realm. You’re probably familiar with those guys tho.

          • MS was circlejerking over weekend nachos for a while.

          • Call the Slambulance

            I forgot about that. I don’t like WN anymore.

          • Call the Slambulance

            I accidentally stumbled upon Weekend Nachos when I bought a crust punk compilation. Great find.

          • PartySmasher

            Other than having a stupid name, Weekend Nachos are pretty badass.

          • Call the Slambulance

            I love their name! It makes me think of Beavis and Butthead.

        • What bands are you thinking of? I’m curious because I always want to check out new stuff – even if it’s terrible.

          • PartySmasher

            In terms of good Power Violence and or the shitty after mentioned Power Violence?

          • Both!

          • PartySmasher

            Crossed Out, Iron Lung, Uzi Suicide, In Disgust, Charles Bronson, Apartment 213, Fuck on the Beach, Wormrot, Agoraphobic Nosebleed, Diamonds, Ceremony (first EP), Spazz. I realize a lot of these could fall under grindcore or crust punk but they’re all so similar that I just tend to lump a lot of them together.

          • Sight Vnseen

            This dude knows his stuff.

            Crossed Out, No Comment, Capitalist Casualties, Man is the Bastard. The big four of Powerviolence.

          • Would Dropdead be somewhere in there?

          • Sight Vnseen

            Yes. That’s why eveyone loves nails.

          • Ceremony really did a 180. I saw them at a festival last year. Unlistenable (imo of course).

          • PartySmasher

            Yeah, I was kind of disappointed because Violence Violence and Still Nothing Moves You were two of my go to albums for awhile. I like Zoo but I feel like it should have been released as a side project under a different band name. I guess that’s what happens when you start hanging out with Davey from AFI.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      What about power electronics?
      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EGNKgah948s

      • PartySmasher

        I’m unfortunately at work but I’m intrigued.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          Check it out when you can. It has some nice… Uhm… Noises.

          • Negrodamus

            Chick is scary besides lol

          • Metaphysical Anus

            But do you hear the melodies? Those sweet, melodic, tasty melodies.

    • Quarter Ounce Harrell
    • Between The Buried & Smee

      Does Weekend Nachos count as powerviolence?

  • Call the Slambulance

    Did anyone else notice a mascot being murdered at 1:45 in the Sand video?

  • “These guys sound nothing like Burzum.” -My 7 year old son.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      So, I have to ask, since I did when he was 6. When is that little fuck turning 8?

      • SYL!’s 7 Year Old Son

        Dad says he’ll let me have a birthday every 5 years.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      Can I buy that kid? I heard that the meat tastes pretty good.

  • Metaphysical Anus

    Guys, it’s our lucky day!

    • Call the Slambulance

      Would thoroughly baste in holy water/10

      • Metaphysical Anus

        I hope the pope hasn’t taken her yet.

        • Call the Slambulance

          I bet he’s slippin’ her the good ol’ Pope Rope.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            In the secret vatican sex dungeon.

    • Quarter Ounce Harrell

      I saw that shit first, shes mine!

      • Metaphysical Anus

        Dude, sharing is caring.

  • Matt Stewart

    Bury Your Dead makes me want to punch anything.

  • LAMENTATIONS OF THE WOMEN

    Conan is going to have a field day flushing this post

  • Mithrandir

    I’ve always wanted to mosh to Brujería
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eFVWmHjMic

  • A Feed From Cloud Mountain

    My big entry groups were the typical nu-metal/metalcore ones. KsE, Chimaira, Nonpoint, the works.

    One fateful day at school in 2008 I had Pandora playing on one of the computers and a song called Heir Apparent started, band called Opeth. I thought “gee isn’t this that shit female fronted band I’ve heard of?”

    Thank fuck I listened to the whole thing. I immediately went to Limewire (lol) and started grabbing any and all Opeth songs. Thus, my transformation into the jaded and hate filled weirdo I am today was started.

    And to be clear, I’ve purchased all of Opeth’s albums at this point. Satan knows Axe needs my funds for his hair care.

  • Deputy Dipshit

    NAILS… Fucking NAILS.

  • Quarter Ounce Harrell

    Mother fucking Philly fuck you up really quick.

  • Max

    So I’m guessing this column is gonna be Toilet Ov Hell’s answer to Sargent D?

  • NefariousDude

    Oh hey fellas

  • mouseporn

    agitator yeeeeess

  • Hard.Quore.Mafaka

    So Beatdown. Very anger. Such hardcore.

  • Gurp

    So I’m guessing if I love Hatebreed I’ll love these guys, right?

    • Call the Slambulance

      Hatebreed was what got me interested in this type of stuff. Imagine this as Hatebreed, if they were all really insecure about their sizes and were a lot dumber, but in a rad way.

  • geddy
  • geddy