Kattah – Vetus Espiritus: A Video Breakdown


I am your Vetus. I am your fire. Your desire.

I don’t believe in fate. I don’t think things happen for a reason. You can flip through a newspaper (or newz/gossip blog if you prefer) and can see plenty of stories that make no sense in the grand scheme of things. That’s why I’m chalking up today’s Video Breakdown to randomness and blind luck. See, I’ve never heard of Kattah before doing this breakdown. Kattah is a Brazilian progressive metal band on Bakerteam Records. Sure, you know Bakerteam Records. Home of ummm 81db. And uhh Knowing2Fly. Sawthis? Really? “Sawthis”? Sure, okay.

I was scrolling through that screaming black hole known as Twitter a few days ago and saw a brief tweet announcing Kattah’s new video. When you follow lots of bands, labels, PR firms and the like, you’re bound to see a bunch of promotional tweets. Tour dates, albums, recording, merch, and, of course, videos. I saw the tweet and didn’t have any intention to click it, but something deep inside the recesses of my brain said, “This could be funny”. Thank you, brain.

0:01: Literally one second in and we’ve had about 5 jump cuts. Oy.
0:05: Whoa whoa whoa. Was that woman wearing a candelabra on her head?
0:09: Now I’m nauseous.
0:12: And now I’m suddenly feeling a whole lot better.
0:18: Well this is awkward. The singer and the lady are wearing the same thing.
0:21: What’s the point of doing vocals when you’ve got a schmatta covering half of you face.
0:26: I hope those aren’t real leather pants. Otherwise things are going to become rather…uncomfortable.
0:27: Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
0:32: Uhh, you’ve got a little something on your…eh nevermind.
0:37: They’ve got the chords. Now they just need to save up for amps.
0:43: He’s got the moves of an 83 year old grandma who just had a hip replacement.
0:48: Pro-tip: Wiggling your arms doesn’t count as belly dancing.
0:51: Serious missed opportunity not sticking the entire drum set in the water.
0:56: Oh, come on! Now you’re not even arm wiggling properly!
1:01: I hope they’re not in one of those places where the fish swim up your pee hole.
1:07: Props must be given to the location scout because at least the background is nice.
1:11: The spastic dancing is also nice, but for different reasons.
1:18: The singer must have serious back problems. He’s hunched over so much they should’ve shot this at the Notre-Dame Cathedral.
1:33: What the heck is going on with that white glove?
1:43: And his soul patch?
1:52: And why is only half of his shirt tucked in?
1:58: Requirements of belly dancer role: Huge bazumbas.
2:00: Experience in bellydancing not necessary.
2:10: Kattah: Now with random moist guitarist action!
2:19: “Huuuzuuwut?”
2:20: “Patty cake, patty cake…”
2:38: “She had man-hands.”
2:42: Seriously, why is he wet in some of these shots?!
2:46: Camera’s over here, dude.
2:51: These themed parties are the worst. Last week it was “80’s Sitcom Stars”.
2:55: That’s a lovely shade of eyeliner, sir.
3:02: It really brings out the thickness of your eyebrows.
3:11: Can one of our South American readers confirm the existence of toilet paper headgear in Brazil?
3:16: The world needs to know about toilet paper headgear. Wave of the future!
3:22: Dude, stop staring or we’re going to kick you out of the video.
3:29: “Nyyyyaaaaah!”
3:35: I don’t know what that little flourish was, but I am so glad they kept it in.
3:44: Ah, yes. The classic “Up close shot of a woman’s back” camera angle.
3:52: The sexual imagery is just too much to handle.
3:55: All that walking around in circles made him disoriented.
4:06: Ssssssssssssmokin!
4:10: “I’m in it for the money. I’m in it for the money. I’m in it for the money.”
4:17: “Hey, look at these!”
4:20: She was made out of delicious fluffy nougat! Of course!
4:25: Sooooo did anyone know that they were vampires? Anyone?
4:31: The grass represents confusion.

So it wasn’t fate that brought me to Kattah, but sweet, sweet luck. I should probably go to Vegas and put a whole punch of money on black.

Kattah’s album “Lapis Lazuli” is out now via Bakerteam Records.

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  • I already know what Tyree is going to post https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUiA4blvQPQ

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    • KJM

      Randy Rhoads = Kills Posers Dead

  • “She had man-hands” DEAD

  • Paris Hilton

    I had Vetus Espiritus once. It burned and itched like a motherfucker for a week before I got antibiotics for it. The good news is that was the last time I ever stole a sex toy from someone else. The joke was on me, lesson learnt.


      • Paris Hilton

        Pay me

        • I don’t have enough money, I’m from Venezuela 🙁

          • I died a little bit on the inside when I read this :/


          • J.R.

            If I up carrot this is that bad?

    • Dagon

      You can just dip ’em into diet coke for a while and it will be good 2 go.

  • “They’ve got the chords. Now they just need to save up for amps.” – Every Venezuelan band.

  • The head gear on the woman looks like a jock strap in a couple shots.

  • Rho Stone

    It’s like people never read Audiovisual Adventures… well they kinda didn’t but still, my field is full of amateurs. Also I hope that dude took off his shoes before going knee-deep on that creek, wet leather is not your friend.

    • Dagon

      I would be interesting in reading your stories on unfriendly wet leather. I bet they are good stories.

      • Rho Stone

        On a scale from 1 to 10, how much would you enjoy a rash?

        • The Beargod

          10 if it’s in somebody else’s pants.

          • Taylor Jong Un

            110 if their pants are wet and filled with candirus!

        • Dagon

          Not cool.

          But is it something that actually happened to you?

    • Guacamole Jim

      I request more Audiovisual Adventures!

    • Taylor Jong Un

      Wet leather pants are what killed Jim Morrison. Truth!


  • Dagon

    So much cheese I might need to get my cholesterol checked.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      been there done that…lol!



    • 0:20 hey, cool Game Boy Classic 😉

    • Sir Tapir the Based™

      “Yo kid, I got dank memes, you wanna see them?”

      • “Hey, kid, I have a Sir Tapir autographed audiobook CD, want one?”

        • Sir Tapir the Based™

          What audiobook CD did I sign?

    • Tyree
    • Óðhinn

      This video is great. It basically sums up the American psyche and US foreign policy too. Anyone you don’t know is dangerous, and your (perceived, not statistical or actual) safety is the most important thing, no matter what. The only threat we face is from “other” people. Now let’s go shoot some guns and eat 2 lbs. of grilled red meat apiece. Pass me they keys to my muscle car.

  • Dagon

    I can confirm Brazil is all about TP headgear. Here’s mine.

    Careful not to trip over my enthusiasm.

    • Why do you post shirtless selfies here?

      Why do you post side pictures?

      Why my neck hurts?

      Why do you have toilet paper?


      Also, nice shorts, jajajajaja.


      • Dagon

        It took me a good amount of time to choose the perfect shorts.

      • Dagon

        Let’s pin this down, though. Do you actually wear shirts in your house? I only wear shirts on Thursday. Because that’s when I go Donald Duck all day.

      • Taylor Jong Un

        All those questions lead to one thing = he has a Silence Of The Lambs thing going on at his house.

    • Sir Tapir the Based™

      In Finland that face would be considered a happy face.

    • #swag

    • Óðhinn

      It looks like there’s a dildo on the counter behind you. But it’s probably some kind of roll on deodorant (I hope). 😉

  • “Can one of our South American readers confirm the existence of toilet paper headgear?”

    Totally improbable in Venezuela. We don’t have Toilet Paper.


  • Taylor Jong Un

    Featured comment right here, baby!

  • KJM
  • KJM
  • KJM
  • Óðhinn

    Thanks. That video was hilariously bad. This band should kill themselves.

    Why do Power Metal douchebags all need more than 3 giant chains on their pants? Are they wallet chains, and they have a lot of money to protect?

    • Taylor Jong Un

      This video definitely could’ve used some of her boobs bouncing around.

      • Óðhinn

        Agreed. The boobs were the one highlight in an otherwise disgusting display.