I am your Vetus. I am your fire. Your desire.
I don’t believe in fate. I don’t think things happen for a reason. You can flip through a newspaper (or newz/gossip blog if you prefer) and can see plenty of stories that make no sense in the grand scheme of things. That’s why I’m chalking up today’s Video Breakdown to randomness and blind luck. See, I’ve never heard of Kattah before doing this breakdown. Kattah is a Brazilian progressive metal band on Bakerteam Records. Sure, you know Bakerteam Records. Home of ummm 81db. And uhh Knowing2Fly. Sawthis? Really? “Sawthis”? Sure, okay.
I was scrolling through that screaming black hole known as Twitter a few days ago and saw a brief tweet announcing Kattah’s new video. When you follow lots of bands, labels, PR firms and the like, you’re bound to see a bunch of promotional tweets. Tour dates, albums, recording, merch, and, of course, videos. I saw the tweet and didn’t have any intention to click it, but something deep inside the recesses of my brain said, “This could be funny”. Thank you, brain.
0:01: Literally one second in and we’ve had about 5 jump cuts. Oy.
0:05: Whoa whoa whoa. Was that woman wearing a candelabra on her head?
0:09: Now I’m nauseous.
0:12: And now I’m suddenly feeling a whole lot better.
0:18: Well this is awkward. The singer and the lady are wearing the same thing.
0:21: What’s the point of doing vocals when you’ve got a schmatta covering half of you face.
0:26: I hope those aren’t real leather pants. Otherwise things are going to become rather…uncomfortable.
0:27: Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
0:32: Uhh, you’ve got a little something on your…eh nevermind.
0:37: They’ve got the chords. Now they just need to save up for amps.
0:43: He’s got the moves of an 83 year old grandma who just had a hip replacement.
0:48: Pro-tip: Wiggling your arms doesn’t count as belly dancing.
0:51: Serious missed opportunity not sticking the entire drum set in the water.
0:56: Oh, come on! Now you’re not even arm wiggling properly!
1:01: I hope they’re not in one of those places where the fish swim up your pee hole.
1:07: Props must be given to the location scout because at least the background is nice.
1:11: The spastic dancing is also nice, but for different reasons.
1:18: The singer must have serious back problems. He’s hunched over so much they should’ve shot this at the Notre-Dame Cathedral.
1:33: What the heck is going on with that white glove?
1:43: And his soul patch?
1:52: And why is only half of his shirt tucked in?
1:58: Requirements of belly dancer role: Huge bazumbas.
2:00: Experience in bellydancing not necessary.
2:10: Kattah: Now with random moist guitarist action!
2:20: “Patty cake, patty cake…”
2:38: “She had man-hands.”
2:42: Seriously, why is he wet in some of these shots?!
2:46: Camera’s over here, dude.
2:51: These themed parties are the worst. Last week it was “80’s Sitcom Stars”.
2:55: That’s a lovely shade of eyeliner, sir.
3:02: It really brings out the thickness of your eyebrows.
3:11: Can one of our South American readers confirm the existence of toilet paper headgear in Brazil?
3:16: The world needs to know about toilet paper headgear. Wave of the future!
3:22: Dude, stop staring or we’re going to kick you out of the video.
3:35: I don’t know what that little flourish was, but I am so glad they kept it in.
3:44: Ah, yes. The classic “Up close shot of a woman’s back” camera angle.
3:52: The sexual imagery is just too much to handle.
3:55: All that walking around in circles made him disoriented.
4:10: “I’m in it for the money. I’m in it for the money. I’m in it for the money.”
4:17: “Hey, look at these!”
4:20: She was made out of delicious fluffy nougat! Of course!
4:25: Sooooo did anyone know that they were vampires? Anyone?
4:31: The grass represents confusion.
So it wasn’t fate that brought me to Kattah, but sweet, sweet luck. I should probably go to Vegas and put a whole punch of money on black.
Kattah’s album “Lapis Lazuli” is out now via Bakerteam Records.