Joe’s 200th Post: A Celebration of Self-Congratulatory Masturbation

A retrospective of the greatest early works by a modern literary visionary, Joe Thrashnkill.

Once in a generation, a brilliant talent will materialize from the æther and dazzle the Earth with his disarming wit, devastating good looks, and unmatched modesty. A lucky few have the privilege to witness the early days of this blossoming star, but soon the rest of the world will catch on to the electrifying skill of the young artist. On this occasion, my 200th post for revolutionary online Internet website “Toilet of Hell”, I present some highlights from my early oeuvre to goose the page views on posts I spent a long time writing and no one read to better educate Thrashnkill novices.

The author in a moment of quiet contemplation.

The author in a moment of quiet contemplation.


load coverArt is Dumb: Revisiting Metallica’s Load & ReLoad

Bleeding-edge contemporary art of the 80s and 90s is compared and contrasted with Metallica’s mid-90s output. Reading this article will grant you 3 hours of art history credit through the University of Phoenix registrar.




thrash-graphThrashnkill’s Continuum of Cognitive Metallic Categorization

In this painstakingly scientific model, I singlehandedly upended the current models for assigning sub-genre classifications to heavy metal music. Spoiler: “jazz” makes no sense.




van halen tinder
I saw Van Halen on a Tinder date and it went about as well as you’d expect
Not content to simply analyze scientific models and discuss dreary old art, I opted to conduct field work in the service of further journalistic exploration. With this article, I used the latest technology to communicate with something called a “woman”, and convince her to accompany me to a Van Halen concert.


I Saw Gwar and Battlecross in the Worst City on Earth

I delved deeper into my field work. As I travelled across these great United States to ponder the big questions: how can a band recover from vicious sound booth issues, will Gwar survive the death of Dave Brockie, and why is a strange man buying me so many drinks?



sethputnamI Am Trying to Offend You: Anal Cunt’s Top 10 Greatest Hits

Once again, I subjected myself to extreme measures in the service of quality music journalism; this time by listening to every note in the Anal Cunt discography and ranking their best material.




If you’ve enjoyed these, and other heartbreaking works of my staggering genius, please call Penguin Publishing and tell them to give me a book deal. I’m starting to suspect they haven’t read the manuscript I sent them, even though I covered it in delicious raw fish. Stupid asshole penguins.

Written by:

Published on: February 22, 2016

Filled Under: Open Swim

Views: 995

Tags: , , , ,

  • Dubs

    That art piece remains one of my favorite articles on this here blog.

    • Edward/Breegrodamus™

      I’m a little surprised Ser Thrashnkill didn’t include the SLAM concert review. That was a good ‘un.

    • I’m still amazed that he nicknamed Las Vegas as the “Worst City of the Earth”.

      I clearly needs to travel more…

      • Flying Hairy Uvula Of Doom

        Wouldn’t even have to travel that far. I’d love to invite him to visit some of South Side Chicago’s more ‘eclectic’ areas like Inglewood, Auburn Gresham (now the most dangerous neighborhood in America), Garfield Park, etc.

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        That’s not Helsinki



  • What a long strange trip it’s been. Thanks for all of your hard work and many a buttz lolled.

    • Adding this to my LinkedIn

      • Frame it and hang it at work.

      • Has anyone ever found LinkedIn to be useful?


        • I sometimes get hit up by headhunters, but aside from that not really.

          • I wouldn’t mind to be contacted by headhunters. I can bring to them all the malandros heads for those precious dollars.

        • I get contacted about openings by recruiters weekly……but they are all trying to fill spots in NYC and I don’t want do that commute from NJ.

        • If you want a job selling insurance or want to sit through an hour long meeting inside a coffee shop with a guy who wants to rope you into an Amway Global pyramid scheme and he doesn’t even buy you a drink, then yes.

          • Dude, that sounds fool proof.

          • I got suckered into a fake interview for a pyramid scheme when I was fresh out of school. Once I figured out what was going on I just stormed out. Still salty about that.

          • I was livid. This was some guy who found me from a mutual friend. He works for Hallmark, so I assumed he was interested in starting something related to illustration/design (what I do) so I was pretty excited. When it got partway in and he started showing me the whole “tell 2 friends” thing I wanted to punch him in his stupid pencil-necked fucking throat. Wasted an hour of my time and didn’t even offer to buy me a coffee.

          • Dubs

            Dude, I have a disappointing number of Facebook friends who “work” for MLMs like Mary Kay, Rodan and Fields, some weird herbal wrap thing, some juice things… I have on multiple occasions debated telling them that most of them are ruining their lives.

          • lol at Mary Kay “beauty specialistz”

          • Dubs

            More like recruiter specialist, amirite?

          • Every time I see a pink Cadillac I think about how much horse shit that driver had to do to get it.

          • God, the herbal wrap things are the absolute fucking worst. Along with those “toxin cleansing” snake-oil salespeople.

          • Dubs

            I send Joe some of the absurd posts that lady does.

          • Waynecro

            My ex’s family was somehow involved in some sort of health-products pyramid scheme. They used to give me the shittest protein powder in the world. The ingredients may as well have been Ensure, talcum powder, and soybean dregs. I never said anything. I just smiled and choked that shit down whenever we visited them.

          • RJA

            I live in a upper middle class neighborhood – a decent amount of stay at home moms – and they all do this shit and pretend to work, it’s exhausting.

          • Dubs

            Man, I’m not knocking stay-at-home moms because raising kids can be hard. What bothers me is the single/newlywed ladies with no kids doing this stuff.

          • Flying Hairy Uvula Of Doom

            Pfffffffffffft, if only they had a dead rich Nigerian uncle like me!

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Really annoying. I got sucked into a group interview once for a 10-99 type job where, “you are your own boss”. The add was not for that type job of course. The sneaky bastards used an address in a really nice building in the suburbs, and set up shop in a vacant office space on the 3rd floor. No name on marquee, minimal office furniture and I knew I was fucked when 9 other people were in the lobby at the same time for my 5:30 interview. I had a job at the time so I wasn’t boxed in, whenever possible its always easier to find work when I am working. These assholes sense blood in the water it seems and really know how to grind you down when your vulnerable.

          • Waynecro

            That happened to me as well. The worst part was sitting in the lobby before the interview. I chatted with this one down-on-his-luck middle-age dude who was seriously counting on landing that “job.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him it was a scam when I stormed out. The look of hope on that guy’s face still haunts me. I got so drunk after that “interview.”

          • It is funny that we go through life hoping that we all have the gumption to see all the red flags in life… *God do I hope I am not a complete idiot*… struggling dayin and day out…. looking for a job…then BOOM – all of a sudden there you are – trapped – in a pyramid scheme interview.


          • Waynecro

            At that time, I was so desperate for a full-time job, I went to any interview I could land. I didn’t even consider the possibility that some interviews were scams. I learned a lot of hard lessons that day. I think it was a pyramid scheme to sell sports merchandise or something. I remember yelling at the interviewer: “I don’t even like sports. And there’s a guy out there who looks like he’s going to kill himself if he doesn’t get a job today. You’re a fucking monster!”

          • Barf, dude. The one I went to was trying to convince me to walk door to door in a suit in the fucking Texas heat to sell DirectTV.

          • ME GORAK B.C.™
          • Waynecro

            Brutal! I try to avoid jobs that require interaction with random people, which is not something I’m good at. My first newspaper job ended up requiring me to do a man-on-the-street column that wasn’t in the job description. I had to walk around Palo Alto like some kind of asshole, trying to convince rich assholes to answer random questions about travel.

          • COAL ROLL

            the funny thing is that it’s not an interview…it’s a sales pitch

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Scroll so that only the dude on the left eyes are showing…te he he te he he.

          • Flying Hairy Uvula Of Doom

            Lol, I have taught you well!

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Thank you sensei master.

          • more beer

            That is the reason I tell people. Learn a trade. At least when you get downsized out of your easy office job. Because they outsourced all your work to someone in India named Bob. You have something to fall back on.

          • Waynecro

            Outsourcing was partially responsible for my getting laid off from the newspaper. The company outsourced all ad design to a team in India. But the guy in India was Manmeet, not Bob.

          • more beer

            I just used Bob as an example. Because every time I call customer service about my phone. It is always someone in India using an American name. That sucks losing a job like that.I think every time a company does that and takes away jobs from Americans they should get their corporate taxes raised.

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          No offense intended to Linked In fans here BUT imo:
          LinkedIn sucks:
          1. Weenie fest. (Herd mentality abounds.)
          2. Hilarious examples of resume hype. (I looked up old co-workers, the qualifications and skills are laughable in many cases. )
          3. Reminds me of Facebook at its worst mixed in with corporate behavior which takes things to a whole new level of bad.
          4.People that wear phones on the belts seem to thrive here.
          5. Creates all these layers of self justification which frequently add up to nothing: “endorsement” etc.

          • Flying Hairy Uvula Of Doom

            Never even heard of it before. Is it another one of those celebrity drunk dial/’leaked’ celebrity nude pics/spot where chicks can pretend they’re professional models sites?

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Basically, just add weenies.

          • Flying Hairy Uvula Of Doom


        • Flying Hairy Uvula Of Doom

          I have utterly no idea what it is. I’m guessing I’m not missing out on anything.

        • Óðinn

          Yeah. I use for work. Good for communicating with your network. TBH, I find it much more useful than Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, which, as far as I can tell, serve no real useful purpose. They’re good for wasting time though.

      • Flying Hairy Uvula Of Doom


  • Maik Beninton™
  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    I am the worst at comprehension sometimes. I thought “I saw Van Halen on a Tinder date…” meant that you saw Eddie Van Halen out on the town with his tinder date, and I was like “HOW DID I MISS THIS ARTICLE!!” For real though – all great posts.

  • If this feels self-indulgent, please recall what my esteemed co-editor did for his 200th post:

    • Dubs

      That might have been 100.

      • oops. crap.

        • Dubs

          Trying to figure out what my 200th was. Probably something equally silly.

          • I was kinda operating under that assumption by doing this piece at all. That’s… unfortunate.

          • dude, have faythe. or something.

          • Dubs

            Okay, if I did the math right, I think my 200th post was a guest post from Stanley. Lol.

          • At least it was not a guest post from Tapir or something. That dude ruins everything.

          • Dubs

            I like Tapir.

          • Me too… Apparently I am not a very convincing in my pretend ass-hatery 🙁

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            That’s a paddlin’

          • DVRKBEVRD


          • Sir Tapir The Based

          • I imagine this is what you say to your baby.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain


          • Dubs

            Either that or Ostritchcopter. The math has me a bit confused.

          • Wasn’t it a top ten thing that ended with Grohl?

          • Dubs

            That was around the same time, so maybe.

  • Dagon

    The categorization continuum is the bomb, one of my favorite TovH articles ever.

    About the book deal, you gotta take your editor to a nice diner.

  • This was one of my favorite quotes thus far: “If you’ve never played Blackjack, the object of the game is simple: see how many Budweisers the waitress will bring you before you run out of chips.”

    Great work, Joe. You are really great.


    • more beer

      It is much easier to part with your money in a foolish way. If you are drunk!

    • Flying Hairy Uvula Of Doom

      I thought the object of Blackjack was knowing when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run. At least that’s what the ancient wise man Kenny Rodgers said.

  • JAJAJAJA. He said masterbation.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain


  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    I Like it When You Die was a new paradigm in music as an art form, obviously.

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      Also Toilet Ov Hell >>>>>>>>>

  • Joe is officially the new guitarist for Deafheaven.

    EDIT: I mean Derp-heaven


      damn your ‘shop is top notch

    • Waynecro

      This website just got a massive boost in its dreamy quotient.

      • Edward/Breegrodamus™

        I have to say that guy’s Morrissey shirt is pretty sweet.

        • Waynecro

          Is the shirt ironic, or does the bearded stranger love Morrissey? The world may never know.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™
          • woah, Morrissey knew about Half-life 3

          • Waynecro

            I’ve never listened to an entire Morrissey song before.

          • Good man.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™

            What about any of the The Smiths?

          • Waynecro

            No, not really. I mean, I’ve heard bits and pieces here and there. Not my kinda jams.


      at least he replaces the pervy rattail guy. with joe, derpheaven makes post-surfened bm

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      Acclaimed Metal Guitarist Joe Thrashnkill of Electric Friends.

  • In addition to Anal Cunt and the record swaps with Randall, I think this one belongs here although I know why you didn’t highlight it.

  • After review, the Van Halen post is my fav of those listed. Thorough, interesting, and complex. Well done.


    • RJA

      Absolutely my favorite – was hoping for a continuing series out of that one.

      • nobody’s going to see the current incarnation of VH more than once

      • I have a girlfriend now. It might be a tough sell to convince her to let me go on Tinder dates to review music.

        • RJA

          tough sell – but not impossible right?

          • Waynecro

            Sorry, babe. It’s a work thing. I can’t get out of it. Here: Have an iPod Touch.

        • Zeke

          you can still bring your girlfriend to death metal shows and blog about how confused she is by her surroundings; unless she’s not a normie that hates metal

      • @$100 a ticket, I am sure there are easier ways to come up with article ideas…

  • RJA

    I’m going to refresh the page 200 times in celebration! Congratulations Joe.



  • Boss the Ross

    That Gwar show review was a fun read.
    And the rest of them were excellent as well.

    Joe is the man.

    • ME GORAK B.C.™

      GOR GOR BIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • there isn’t a soul alive who does #seriousnotserious better than Mr. Relaxnchill


      Moe Splashnspill

  • Waynecro

    Congrats, Joebro. You’re an excellent writer, and the Toilet ov Hell is one of my favorite things in the world.

  • JWEG

    So… No rejection letter from Penguin saying “so long and thanks for all the fish”, huh. They’re about the only publishers who could even legally get away with that unchallenged (other than Harmony UK).

    PS: please do not turn into Dave Eggers.

    • Dave Eggers is the Worst.

      • The difference is that I’m IRONICALLY insufferable

        • The difference is that you are funny and also capable of composing sentences–nay, whole paragraphs–which do not make me want to vomit from boredom.

  • Joe refers to the Toilet ov Hell as Toilet “of” Hell.

    That’s a paddlin’.

  • Max

    Wow, has it really been 200 already?

    I, too, would nominate the Van Halen date night as my fave.

  • Flying Hairy Uvula Of Doom


  • more beer

    Good work Joe!

  • CT-12

    Congratulations and thank you for the content Joe!

  • Pentagram Sam

    You know, dunno if this makes you uncomfortably (erotic) since we be new meets and all, but when Lone Justice comes on a Pandora station, I think of you Mr. Joe. And when I mean you I mean the stoic faced Mega Man dude with a Tay Tay shirt and I get all flushy.

    Haha, for reals tho this site is quality and I’m glad to be able to interject myself into music discussions and upvote Dong memes. Congrats!

  • Eliza

    Even though I haven’t been on this site for very long, I still got emotional while reading this. Congrats!

  • God ov War

    Keep flushing, man 🙂