It’s Somebody’s Birthday Today…

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WHO COULD IT BE? I’LL NEVER TELL.

It’s Joe. Let’s take some time this Sunday to wish him a happy birthday. Thank him for being the fastest uniflagellar sperm, surviving the slimy gauntlet of birth, avoiding nature’s many attempts to select against him, and enduring long enough to found the toilet. Most of us can only claim to have accomplished exactly 3 out of 4 of those things.

“Many years ago today
Something grew inside of your mother
That thing was you

Did she scream? Did she cry?
Only those that are born
Are the ones that get to die!

One more year closer to dying
Rotting organs ripping grinding
Biological discordance
Birthday equals self-abhorrence

Years keep passing, aging always
Mutate into vapid slugs
Doctor gives a new prescription
Bullet in a fucking gun

One more year closer to dying
Plastic surgeons fuel the lying
You forget why you came in here
Your mind rots with every New Year

R.S.V.P., please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
And you’re running out of life

Happy Birthday
You’re gonna die!

Now you’re old and full of hatred
Take a pill to masturbatred
Children point to you and scream
Because they will become that thing

One more year of further suffering
There’s no point of fucking bluffing
Open up your Dethday present
It’s a box of fucking nothing

R.S.V.P., please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
And you’re running out of life

Happy birthday
You’re gonna die!

Die die
Deth-day
Birth-day
Deth-day
Die-die
Deth-day
Birth-day
Deth-day

R.S.V.P., please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
You’re running out of life

Happy birthday
You’re gonna die
You’re running out of life”

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  • W.

    Happy birthday, Papa Joe.

    • Howard Dean

      Joseph,

      A million thanks again for the birthing of this glorious, hellish toilet. Happy Byaahrthday from the Howard and his campaign team!

      Dean-Flair ’16

  • KJM
  • Jointsalot

    Happy Birthday Joe, Hope you’re having a awesome day

  • Stockhausen

    I heard Joe ages like a fine wine, and pairs well with cheese.
    #JoeFax

    • W.

      I heard that Keanu Reeves passed his secret regarding immortality to Joe Thrashnkill.

      #JoeFax

    • I heard that Joe found the fountain of youth, which happened to be a great toilet. Then be turned it into a website. #JoeFax

      • Stockhausen

        Joe can eliminate a wrinkle every time he flexes.
        #JoeFax

  • Happy Birthday! Bojangles wanted me to add this: http://www.maniacworld.com/birthday-cat-is-unimpressed.jpg

    • crazytaco_12

      Hey, this is totally unrelated, but I would like to throw some bands at you that maybe you can use for tech-death thursday? Let me know if you’re interested.

      • Go for it dude. Just as long as it’s not just pure wankery stuff like brain drill

        • crazytaco_12

          Cool man, to not spoil the bands in these comments, could I get your email and show you them from there?

  • Awwww. You guys.

  • Happy birthday, Joe…you magnificent bastard you.

    • Howard Dean

      “Rommel, you magnificent bastard… I read your book!”

      • W.

        Great movie. “We’re not just gonna shoot the bastard…”

        • Howard Dean

          “We’re going to tear out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks… we’re going to murder those bastards by the bushel!”

          Also makes me preemptively headbang to the thought of Skinless. They made great use of samples on Trample the Weak, Hurdle the Dead.

          • What movie are you turds talking about?

          • Howard Dean

            Patton.

          • Ah…

            Never saw it. Probably should.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Mike Patton?

          • My love for you is deeper than the lines in my hand.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I love you too, Jimmy.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            i like immortal though.

          • Howard Dean

            Patton Oswalt.

  • Scrimm

    Congratulations. You’re getting old!

  • Metaphysical Anus

    Happy birthday to you!

  • FeelTheDarkness

    Happy Bday Joe!!! You awesome sumabitch!!!

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL
  • Herpy Barfday you big ok’ slut.

    • No, Stockhausen is our OK slut.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        What’s an OK slut?

        • Oklahoma slut. You Finns crack me up!

          • Metaphysical Anus

            How many Finns do you know?

          • One. And I don’t want to know anymore.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            If only one Finn cracks you up, how can you assume that us Finns crack you up?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I don’t know where that opinion comes from. Also, Sarah says hello from my couch as she’s going to be staying with me for a while. She doesn’t want to leave my house as she’s scared of what she’ll do when she’s alone. I said she could stay here as long as she wanted. We have our high school reunion coming up in a few months so even though Mel is gone Arcadia still lives. Arcadia is me and Sarah as a duo. It was created in middle school when people thought we were dating but weren’t. We were listening to an album by the band Arcadia and people noticed. We were referred to after that as the king and queen of Arcadia. Arcadia was also a reference to Arlington which was our school district.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Here’s a story that I will tell you all since it is Joe’s birthday. I was at a WASP concert in 2005 as they had come near me on this thing called the American Metal Blast tour. Metal Church, LA Guns and I think two other bands were there. I’ve heard stories that Blackie Lawless is a douche now but when I saw them they were amazing. Me and Sarah went and I think Mel came with us but left before WASP’s set was over as she did not like their set. After the show me and Sarah went to behind the venue because bands always parked their tour buses in sight behind the venue. We went to WASP’s tour bus so I could get my copy of the first part of the Neon God concept album signed. They hadn’t released Part 2 at the time but when we got back there Blackie and the band were getting high on the drug me and Sarah were addicted to. We told them that we were huge fans and not only did they all sign my copy of The Neon God Part 1 we got high with them and we listened to Part 2 before it had been released with them. I haven’t used that drug since then as I cleaned up soon after. I have smoked pot though since then and I still do on occasion.

      • It was supposed to say “ol” but autocorrect hath struken me down with great prejudice.

  • Xan
  • Bözlinger©

    Joe once helped an old lady across the street while cutting the crusts off some kids sandwich

    #Joefacts

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Joe made In Flames go from shitty pop rock back to their legendary melodic death metal sound just by asking nicely.

      #Joefacts

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Happy Birthday Joe! Here’s a song that I suffered through because it’s your birthday and I wanted to warn you of it.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GduNHP3K2E

  • The Satan Ov Nuclear Hell

    Happy Birthday from hell!

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    Happy Birthday Joe! I picked an album for you, based on your particular taste and style-I really think you’ll enjoy the riff that kicks in at the :40 mark.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5n9bzcvJH0U

  • JWG

    I tried to find the full Todd & The Book of Pure Evil episode “Deathday Cake”, but you’ll have to settle for the teaser trailer:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmrRpCOY23A

  • TR00KVLT

    Happy birthday to thee creator if our porcelain kingdom!

  • SMOHLG

    HB JT

  • JWG

    Also… I won’t forget this one, unlike most Birthdays that I fail to keep in mind without somewhere to write them down. It’s also my sister’s Birthday.

    This “coincidence” isn’t really a coincidence though. It’s more like basic probability theory asserting itself.

  • Happy BYAHday Joe!

  • Gurp

    TODAY SHALL BE FOREVER REMEMBERED AS FOUNDER’S DAY.

  • God

    Happy birthday you gorgeous man you.

  • Happy belated birthday Joe!

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I forgot to tell you but my friend who is technically my girlfriend Sarah says happy belated birthday. As I have already told you happy birthday yesterday, me and Sarah as a collective power couple wish you a happy belated birthday.

  • TechDeathMurder

    Happy birthday, Joe!

  • AnthrallicA

    Happy Birthday

    • AnthrallicA

      the fuck am I doing wrong?

  • crazytaco_12

    Happy belated!

  • Robin brings the thunder!

    Happy late Birthday Joe! Without you, we never would have had this magnificent website.