I’m in the hallways to Hell.
Ice Nine Kills is a metalcore band from Boston, Massachusetts. I know, another metalcore band getting a video breakdown. Sorry. They just keep making videos that need to be broken down. I promise to mix it up next time… unless another bad metalcore video comes out, which is pretty likely. That’s just nature. INK fit neatly into the Warpedtourcore/TasteofChaoscore genre, so start teasing out your Zelda cuts now.
The band derive their name from Kurt Vonnegut’s sci-fi novel Cat’s Cradle. I’ve never read the novel, but I hope they don’t get their “cutesy” song titles like “Let’s Bury The Hatchet… In Your Head” or “The Fastest Way To A Girls Heart Is Through Her Ribcage” song titles from it as well. This type of metal does that more than any other. I wonder why. I mean, I don’t really wonder why, but you know what I’m saying. This video for “Hell In The Hallways” (gag) was inspired by Stephen King’s Carrie. Here’s what the band’s vocalist Spencer Charnas had to say about it:
“As an avid fan of horror films with multiple sequels, I have long had the urge to connect our music videos as a chronologic progression of stories. Taking off from our last video, based on The Exorcist, and moving into this new tribute to Carrie, I tried to create an original narrative that links these two classic tales of terror.
Reuniting with Dan Kennedy and Rasa Partin from Little Sky Film (directors of “Communion Of The Cursed”) enabled us to bring my vision to life in an elegantly twisted way. But above all, the band wanted to take a stand against bullying and the cruelty it inflicts on so many kids. At it’s core, the story of Carrie is a profound morality tale about the dangers of bullying and the horrific consequences that can ensue.
With a growing understanding by psychiatrists of the life-long consequences of being bullied, along with an increasing number of suicides, it seemed like a good time to put a spotlight on this epidemic.”
You got all that? Great, because there’s going to be a Buzzfeed quiz about it soon.
0:01: This video is almost seven minutes long. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
0:07: It’s one of those videos that has an absurdly long intro, isn’t it?
0:09: Yup, I checked. The song itself doesn’t start until around 2:40.
0:10: I wouldn’t blame anyone if they skipped to that point (or not watched the video at all).
0:13: 10 years later? 10 years later from what? Getting kissed by his Pop-Pop?
0:19: Typical Kevin, man. Always walking around with books and stuff.
0:30: So is she going to ask him to the prom or what?
0:39: You leave Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau alone!
0:44: Yeah, how dare he have feelings for stuff!
0:47: That’s how they suck the evil out of each other.
0:50: “Forever alone” – 3rd-Wheel Guy In Letterman Jacket
0:53: Mr. Torrance? Wait, is this supposed to be The Shining too?
0:57: Let me guess. She’s Mistress Cujo?
1:03: Hey, he doesn’t sound like he’s sorry at all!
1:11: Brazzers Presents: Ice Nine Kills.
1:16: How has there not been a powerviolence band named Quarterback Shit?
1:20: Coach King? Uggggghhhhhh!
1:30: Got it bad, got it bad. I’m hot for references.
1:40: If she turns into a possessed car named Christine, I’m out.
1:49: How can she expect him to finish a book that quickly when it doesn’t have any pictures?
1:56: Dave Mustaine, is that you?
1:59: It is Dave Mustaine!
2:05: It’s Dave Mustaine in mom jeans!
2:08: Sir, you were warned to stay at least 1,000 feet away from all public schools.
2:16: The out-of-work-pornstar has no such restrictions though.
2:20: This atmospheric synthy music is actually pretty good. Can the entire video just be this?
2:26: Gotta work on your defense, Dave.
2:28: Stiff-arm, juke, spin move, anything!
2:37: Okay, that is pretty funny. We’ll remove the restraining order.
2:44: Snow White’s Poison Bite did it first. Unfortunately.
2:53: I feel the exact same way.
3:01: So much is happening I don’t even have time to make fun of things.
3:13: Let’s get ALL the shots!
3:21: Hey, a Lord Worm cameo.
3:25: She moved a paper bag? That’s it? Shit, the wind can do that.
3:32: Tel-ek-in-es-is: the ability to tell the audience exactly what’s happening.
3:35: “You double-dipped the chip!”
3:42: I really want to goof on his hair, but they keep cutting away from it.
3:46: It’s like they know it’s really stupid-looking.
3:51: Like his permanent 5 o’clock Masshole shadow.
3:56: All that’s missing is a Red Sox hat and an inflated ego.
4:01: And orgasmic scream of “I fahkin love Tawm Braydee an Big Pawpi!”
4:03: Some men would pay very good money for this type of treatment.
4:13: He looks like he should be working in a skeevy headshop on the edge of town.
4:21: So why exactly did she go to the prom? I mean, besides advancing the story.
4:31: Too bad that bucket wasn’t filled with better songwriting skills and landed on the band.
4:37: Speeding things up represents not knowing how to fill time in a music video.
4:45: More grease than Burger King fryer.
4:50: Invisible Pineapples.
5:04: Aw shucks, there’s only another 2 minutes left of this?
5:13: Fire cleanses all.
5:18: I hope that’s Zika-infected blood.
5:26: That’s a serious medical condition and you should seek immediate… eh, never mind. You’ll be fine.
5:28: Oh, no! They’re surrounded by bad special effects!
5:33: So is this just the whitest high school ever?
5:38: Mudvayne did it first.
5:43: Yeah, that’s how fire works.
5:51: I love a good happy ending.
5:56: “I did duh thing. Can I have a joos box now, pleez?”
6:04: Nah, don’t stop that assault or anything. It’s cool.
6:16: That’s all it took? This whole time, someone could have just said “Guys… guys”?
6:19: MATT… DAMON.
6:30: So the lesson is don’t bully because someone could have telekinetic powers and murder everyone.
6:42: Or something.
6:46: It could just be a coincidence since White is a very common last name.
Ice Nine Kills’s album Every Trick In The Book is available now via Fearless Records.