I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL FIGHT YOU SO HARD

2249
145
Share:

The Slambulance is back, my dudes.

In my unfortunate absence, I have grown saddened by the utter lack of ignorance on this blog. While we must intellectualize with our fellow man and share radical conceptions, we must also set aside time to be belligerent and immature, allowing our most primal instincts to ooze out of our orifices that have for so long been constricted by neck ties, name tags, and the fun-oppressing hands of our superiors. All of the cuss words that you wish to direct at your boss, teacher, or significant other; all of the fists you want to throw due to an oncoming deadline; all of the tears that you may want to shed out of sheer frustration. These overwhelmingly emotional behaviors are a portion of the reality of living a life. Do not bottle them up. This reaction is the reason that phrases like “going postal” exist. Allow all of the negativity that has been festering inside of you to flow out like a malignant sea of grimy hatred. Catharsis is key, my friends, and in order for this experience to occur, music can play a vital role. None better for this relieving expression is there than a good, hearty mosh; a violent yet fun dance/brawl in a relatively safe environment. Moshing is an essential in the world of an angry metalhead, so I am here to present you with a token of my appreciation. Here are some songs that put me in the mood to beat things up with my face. Let’s get stoopid.


The Worstmn – Flawless Victory

I’ve been jocking these guys for a while now because what we have right here is the epitome of fun. This album (which is “name your own price”, might I add) contains nothing but speedy, radical surf jamz, straight from the bowels of Aussieland. With vocals that provide a lo-fi sonic assault in true punk fashion, guitar that skips between muddy messes of grunge blur, and the solidified thumpy and pumpy sound of Dead Kennedys worship, and an all together fuzzy aura that creates a feeling of noise rock undertone (think METZ), this album is good times wrapped up in a tight little package, as all 13 songs wrap up in around 19 minutes. Download this and pray to the Tubular Totem Pole that you one day may be this rad.


Devastate – Do Not Resuscitate

I couldn’t bring myself to choose just one song. This is one of few (good) bands that manage to bring forth a complete mixture of different genres to create a sound all on its own. This album contains a blend of powerviolence, hardcore, grindcore, and some death metal. Every song sounds drastically different in their own right, so I strongly urge you to listen to the entire thing. There are not a lot of bands who bring me to a spot of animated, involuntary headbanging, yet these youngsters do the trick. As I have never heard anything that I could successfully compare to Devastate, I’m not really sure what to say. Do Not Resuscitate is an incredibly solid release, and it behooves you to listen to it over and over again until there’s nothing left of your psyche but a gooshy mess of used-to-be brains.


High on Fire – Turk

This opens with some of the gnarliest drumming I’ve heard in recent years. After these monster fills drop, a gosh darn motherfucker of a guitar lick comes into play. It sounds like a motorcycle trying to fuck another motorcycle or something. The semi-melodic verses ride into a shattering, gravel-throwing scream that takes us straight to one of our classic examples of how great HoF is at writing hooks. The chorus weens in and out of a distant tone that is comparable to having an angel rub sand in your eyes then cleansing you, all the while, you know you are about to once again be treated to some grade-A shredding. This may be my favorite High on Fire tune and it should be yours too. Also, thanks to Matt Pike for showing the world that not wearing a shirt makes you a better person.


Biopsy – Fractals of Derangement

It’s so refreshing to hear some new slam that doesn’t suck barnacles off of a sunken ship. I’m a sucker for those glorious moments when a guitar riff matches up with a drum beat in perfect harmony and this song does that shit real good like. Biopsy are some newcomer bros from India, and I’m glad they are starting to make waves. You can tell that they’re legit because they tagged their music as “doom metal”. I don’t know if that’s marketing or a genuine mistake; either would be understandable, as slamheads aren’t exactly the most intelligent folks. Case in point, I’m writing this instead of doing homework, then am going to watch Manborg. I digress. Biopsy are fresh onto the scene and are definitely worthy of some attention. The slams are good enough to attract fucks like me, and the rest is accessible enough to be purchase-worthy to most fans of death metal. Peep it, holmes.


Vomica – Pugilistic Attitude

In an effort to regain some trve kvlt points, here’s a song from a failed death metal band that you’ve never heard of, off of a compilation series from the early ’90s that nobody gives a flying tit about. This is the only copy of this song I can find on the Youtubz and it only has 150 views. If you can get past the fact that this sounds like the outcome of someone pouring water all over your mom’s dusty tape deck, then trying to play a cassette that melted in your car, this is some really fun, jammy OSDM. The guitar tone grinds on with that classic Morrisound era tone, a very competent solo strikes at the 1:50 mark, and the bass riff intro by itself is enough to hook me. Can I have my points back now?


Rise of the Northstar – One for All

Gojira aren’t the only heavy French band, guise. This is real music, you fucking posers.

 Rise of the Northstar – Phoenix

I could seriously write an entire article about how hard these weab fucks mosh. I don’t know how many of you all are fans of beatdown, but I’m sure we can all agree on the fact that it’s very difficult to find a good band within the confines of the subgenre. Most roll with the same pussified shouts that we’ve heard since the mid-1990’s and repetitive, formulaic songs that offer nothing but fight riffs. RotN grabs my attention so hard because they have a certain spirit about them; a very specific, wild energy that seems to be prevalent among French bands. It seems that the soul has been maintained in the music, as if negative reviews and comments simply brush off of these musicians and don’t keep them from putting everything that they have into their art, even if that art is something as simplistic as beatdown. If you are hesitant to play this, please just click 2:15 and listen for a while. What follows is actually really quality stuff and I think you’ll see what I’m talking about in this blurb.


Mummifier – Advanced Mummification Procedure

This is another album that you can’t only feature one song for, as portions of the album are completely different from others. This is a 16 track (free) album that contains a fantastic amalgam of thrash, speedy hardcore, and grindcore, all stirred together in a cauldron of “this makes fucking sense”. Some songs are very well produced, putting Mummifier beside fellow grind acts such as Antigama and Maruta. However, others just kind of sound like shit, mashing sounds together in kvlt-y feel. This trashy production can actually be very complimentary to each instrument, as the impending blur only adds to the nasty feel of da grind. When put together, these tracks form a primal album that is trve to its shitty, self-harming instincts. Advanced Mummification Procedure is worthy of countless listens as is, but downloading it gives you a whole heaping mess of bonus tracks, some of which are actually better than any track on the actual album.

That is enough for today, my sweet little Toilet friends. I hope I’ve helped you release some amount of aggression in a safe, productive fashion, and in the process introduced you to a band or song that you were not aware of. Now I will embark even further on my next quest to find the Siqqest ov Mosh Jamz so that I may return with an even more plentiful harvest. Share with your fellows and I some tunes that make you hate that brick wall that you’re hitting. Keep your will strong and your mind stronger. Please the Peenslayer, and always remember to call a slambulance after you listen to cavemen play terrible fucking music.

Ayy lmao.