I Sense Darkness in Your Future, Pt. I: Death Fortress

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Here at the Toilet ov Hell, we are hard at work to make sure you’re spending your time on something more valuable than the newest line of sportswear or the latest in 6-year-old children covering popular Disney hits. It can be hard to keep up with the relentless slew of metal releases, particularly when it comes to a genre as bloated as black metal. Gleaning the worthy from the unworthy can take some digging. Luckily for you, your Master and Lord currently wields both the Mighty Shovel of Unemployment and the Pale of Internet Metal Nerddom, and is willing to assist you! “I Sense Darkness in Your Future” is how I’ll share the foul and unholy nuggets which I have unearthed in your service – upcoming black metal with serious potential. 

Death Fortress – Among the Ranks of the UnconquerableATROTU

Today is about the upcoming full-length debut from Death Fortress, and judging by the two songs available for streaming, this is something that I could get into. Among the Ranks of the Unconquerable is rather different from their previous work, being noticeably more polished than the raw attacks of the Pulling Ancient Stone demo and “From the Immortal Thrones” (both of which are available for free download, by the way):

Click images for download links.

PASSplit
Typically I prefer the crude and unpolished approach to black metal, but this actually sounds pretty good. “King’s Blood” opens with a gloomy isolated guitar, which is eventually joined by another. the drums kick in and the inevitable trem-orgy, which lasts for the songs duration, begins as expected. At over six minutes, that’s no small amount of tremolo, but it builds a nice, dark atmosphere and there’s enough variety in the drums to hold your attention. “Arrogant Force” takes an angle as discordant and aggressive as its title suggests. I like that angle. There’s a mean riff near the end that will make you want to fucking conquer before a solid transition/drum fill ushers in the final blackened blast. Stream these tunes below and keep an eye out for Among the Ranks of the Unconquerable, set for release on September 1st through Fallen Empire Records.

 


  • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

    “Here at the Toilet ov Hell, we are hard at work to make sure you’re spending your time on something more valuable than the newest line of sportswear or the latest in 6-year-old children covering popular Disney hits.”

    http://salinaradio.todayinkansas.com/files/2014/06/shots-fired.jpg

    • Gloryhole Castration

      I laughed my ass off when I read that!

    • Not sure what you’re referring to. Masterlord simply grabbed two unimportant subjects at random.

      • what…the…fucking…fuck:

        • Xan

          It is from all the Babymetal articles. The related ads run with the pedophilia.

          • JWG

            All of mine (I can only see on iOS since I have adblock everywhere else) are about how good Miley Thyroid apparently looks without makeup, featuring pictures of Miley with heavy makeup…

            [Edit] Autocorrect strikes again. Although I kind of like this one. I’ll keep it…

          • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

            I just lol’d for a good five minutes about this.

        • It’s multiplying! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

        • HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU GOOGLE MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE?

        • Spear

          “who just look disappointing now”

          I’m laughing way too fucking hard at that.

        • Keegan Lavern Still

          I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE! THANK ABYSMAL SCUMSUCKING JEHOVAH, IT’S NOT JUST ME!

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I’ve never seen any ads on The Site Which Shall Not Be Named. AdBlock is godlike.

        • ParallaxativeHyperStool

          Now I have to know what the FUCK HE LOOKS LIKE

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        Joe, i am late to the game , sleeping in til 3 after a late night battle and i noticed there is no new articles on our competitors site. You probably know but the excitement i felt i had to share with you our fearless leader.

        • Max

          I noticed that too but I suspect they’re just making some sort of “You’d miss us if we went away”-type statement.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            I think that may backfire as well, thats like your wife dissapearing in the middle of the night with no note. Depending on whether she is a penthouse model or a plain jane will no doubt gauge ones reaction. And let me tell you MS has NEVER been a penthouse pet, more like the aging former ballerina who is 30 pounds overweight who you occasionally see walk out of the shower naked in her window from across the street. She barely catches your interest and you are both ashamed & sorry you even looked.

        • Ace Ventura

          I AM BUT A CHILD OF LIGHT

    • M Shadows

      That sounds like something I saw on another site!

      • M Shadows

        Fuck…..

        • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

          M Shadows!

          • M Shadows

            ¿¿ANN COULTER’S FLACCID PENIS!!?? ¿HAVE YOU PURCHASED HAIL TO THE KING?

          • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

            Purchased? I fucking wrote that album. (Purposely made it shit so that all the Tapout shirt wearing hardbros would buy it)

          • M Shadows

            Oh… :'(……¿¿DIDj U PRE ORDER WAKING THE FALLEN RESURRECTED??

          • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

            Not yet, and I’ll only buy it if every track is just the sounds of the band crying about that shitty drummer’s OD.

          • M Shadows

            He wrote all our songs. We don’t know how to write. THAT’S WHY WE A RE ARE ENTERING A NEW MARKET. YOU SHOULD BUY OUR GAME!

          • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

            No can do, you fooled me the first time with that shitty digital performance at the end of Call of Doodie: Black Cocks 2. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, your mother should have aborted you.

          • M Shadows

            But…but…ma said she didn’t mean it when she said that…. YOU ARE A MEAN PERSON! I HOPE AXL ROSENBERG GIVES YOU A BEAR HUG! ……..Maybe you would like to make use of our marriage program?

        • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

          M. SHADOWS ! FUCKIN’ EH !

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        welcome to the bowl bro, glad you could take time out of your rampant plaigarism to join us. As a favor to me could you steal the entire rush moving pictures album and put your spin on it. I would really like rush to remake it but no such luck.

        • M Shadows

          It is late my king, the time for propaganda has passed. Instead I shall retreat to smoke some allure in my chemical cave that only the night reveals. I will follow the starlit path that is carved from stone. But tomorrow I will once again ask…HAVE YOU PRE ORDERED WAKING THE FALLEN RESURRECTED!!!!!??

          • M Shadows

            M shadows!

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            I have taken out a new mortage on my house, raided the kid’s college fund, pimped out the wife and teen daughter, sold my firstborn , made a pact with satan, all to pre order all copies ever made.

    • ParallaxativeHyperStool

      You guys ever just sit around for hours on end, wondering when that new Simple Plan album is coming?

  • Tyree

    Dude! I was just going to post these guys on our facebook page. Fuck yes this is good shit man!!! Fallen Empire Records is so good.

    • Yes! I’m pretty pumped for this album, dude. If the rest of Fallen Empire’s catalog is any indication, it’ll probably end up being up for a name-your-price download.

      • Tyree

        Dude that Tukaaria release is my favorite aside from the epic as fuck Skáphe release which will most likely make my best of list this year.

  • Sight Vnseen

    Damn Masterlord! You’ve been killing it. I just wish you could get into tech, but it’s no biggie.

    • I like tech, it just has to be good tech! Spawn of Possession’s Incurso and Gorguts’ Colored Sands blew my mind last year.

      • Sight Vnseen

        Thanks dude. Spawn of Possessions Noctambulant is one of my all time favorites. And most Gorguts. I take my last comment back.

      • Ace Ventura

        you know…gingivitis is the number one cause of ALL TOOTH DECAY

      • Howard Dean

        Incurso was really good. SoP is one of the few bands that can do the Necrophagist type tech-swag correctly.
        Congrats on another great article! Sorry about the mighty shovel of unemployment!

      • Scrimm

        Exactly. Anything by either of those bands is mind blowing to me.

  • Ace Ventura

    nuts? Why yes, I have 2 right here. Theyre bulky, but I consider them carry on.

    • M Shadows

      WE DON’T ALLOW CARRY ON HERE AT DEATHBAT AIRLINES!

  • Steve Smithwick

    Dude, MasterLord, you’re fucking unstoppable. I mean it, I’m highly impressed. All of your columns have been good. You clearly have a backlog of fantastic shit that you listen to. And your writing! It’s clean, error-free, and has your own unique voice.

    This is all a nerdy journalism way of saying you’re awesome.

    • Thank you, Steve! Your kindness warms my steel heart. All hail the great toilet!

      • Tyree

        Keep em coming man, you have good taste in music. I can’t write worth a fuck so I’m glad you are here.

        • Steve Smithwick

          Horseshit Tyree; I’ve read many, many Tyree comments in my day, and you write fairly well too. I don’t think it would require much editing to make a Tyree column publishable, point blank.

          If you ever want to write something and want someone to look at it before you submit it to Joe, man, holler at me.

          • Tyree

            Thanks man. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write something. We shall see.

          • Max

            Hey, could I do that too?

          • Steve Smithwick

            Absolutely! You on the FB page or no?

          • Max

            Not on Facebook; but I have a spam e-mail account which I’d be happy to give you here, and then you e-mail me a similar address so I can submit an attached Word document or something. Would that kind of scenario work for you? Or suggest your own preference…

            (I’ve already asked Joe about this but he’s probably wading through a sea of comments…)

          • Steve Smithwick

            Yup, that’s totally fine. Gimme the spam e-mail and I’ll send something to it real quick.

          • Max
      • “your Master and Lord currently wields both the Mighty Shovel of Unemployment and the Pale of Internet Metal Nerddom” … you just won the LOLZ world cup for today!

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        there is so much great shit on here i broke 2 toilet brushes and a plunger already. Crocodile dundee : “you call that a plunger ? this is a plunger !”

  • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

    Dat album artwork. Hnnngggg

    • @masterlordsteeldragon:disqus you have to see this too:
      http://www.somagame.com/

      dat artwork looks just like the upcoming game from Frictional Games (Penumbra, Amnesia) SOMA!

      • Don’t know what I just watched, but it was fucking metal.

      • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

        Holy shit yes. Love the Gigeresque creepiness in that. This just made it on my “to watch” list.

      • The Satan ov Hell

        I’ve been looking forward to this- loved Amnesia.

  • Ace Ventura

    I AM NO LONGER ENCUMBERED BY THE APPETITES OF THE FLUSH

    • Mr. Bojangles

      I am encumbered by the appetite for tuna.

      -Mr. Bojangles

      • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

        I am encumbered by the sinewy tissue attaching me to this cruel blonde mistress. RELEASE ME YOU VILE CREATURE!

        • Mr. Bojangles

          You shall be enslaved by Master Bojangles until the end of time.

          -Mr. Bojangles

          • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

            I can imagine a floppy phallus such as myself would make for a great cat toy.

          • Xan

            Great use of the word “phallus”. Lord Xan approves.

          • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

            Great use of the letter X. AC’s FP approves.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      ALL HAIL THE NEW FLUSH http://tinyurl.com/mcdyywp

  • dingus

    Man it’s like people here have a grasp on the english language. This site tickles my dingus so good

    • Mr. Bojangles

      I’ll tickle your dingus.

      -Mr. Bojangles

      • Wigger

        I’ll help

        • Mr. Bojangles

          No, you will stay put in your cage, human slave.

          -Mr. Bojangles

          • Wigger

            Well good luck getting me to feed you any catnip

          • dingus

            guys, guys. You can ALL tickle my dingus at once

  • Wigger

    Windmilling my penis at an unbelievable speed to this music

    • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

      Holy shit, just burst out laughing in the office. GAWT DAYUM.

      • Tyree

        I almost spit up my Pepsi Max at the monitor.

        • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

          The fuck is Pepsi Max? Is normal Pepsi not max enough?

          • Tyree

            Pushing everything to the fucking MAX!

          • Wigger

            You know Tyree, I think you’re onto something there.
            *drinks Pepsi Max*
            *windmills even faster*

          • Tyree

            I’m on my third MAX now. I could probably Windmill the hell out my cock and balls right about now.

          • Wigger

            Pretty sure I could pull off quite a fast drumbeat just by windmilling my penis against the desk.

          • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

            If you drank a red bull, you could probably windmill your dick fast enough to lift off like a helicopter.

          • Wigger

            Funnily enough, there was this one time where I managed to power all of Chicago for a night after a couple of Monsters…never again though.

          • Tyree

            There is a video of a dude playing his drum kit with his dick. Yes… I watched it and I laughed my ass off.

          • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

            “I’m gonna put my NUTSACK on your DRUMSET!”

          • Tyree

            Why are you all sweaty? Watching cops.

          • Stockhausen

            ARE YOU HIGH?? IT’S SHARK WEEK!!

          • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

            I’m going to shove one of those artificial hearing devices so far up your ass you’ll be able to hear your small intestine as it produces shit!

        • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

          Dude, are you old enough to remember when they pulled original coke off the shelves and replaced it with new coke ? Talk about an uproar ! Also do you remember that syrupy piss they called pepsi clear ?

          • Tyree

            Hahaha, Pepsi Clear. I think I do remember that bomb.

    • Good god, man!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      JESUS

  • Stockhausen

    Ooooh, I’m liking this. When those gross chords start around 2:00, I think to myself, “I like those gross chords that just started.” You can tell I’m excited.

  • Mook Styfawker

    I’m usually not one for Black Metal, but this stuff is very impressive.

  • Paris Hilton

    Varg was alone in cell 21B. Clutching his copy of Mein Kampft, he sat on his small prison bed deep in thought. How did it come to this? Why was the liberal agenda trying to suppress his freedom? Will he ever get to play D & D again? He had been in his cell alone for the past few days. His former cellmate was a Nazi Rider, but he was relocated as even he had enough of Varg’s racist bullshit and half-baked Zionist theories.

    “Hey, fucknerd!” The tall, strong prison guard said with a chuckle, “you got a new cellmate.” Varg lifted his head up to the guard, his greasy hair flowed like the last dying leaves in late autumn. “Say hello to your new friend. You scrawny piece of shit.” The guard said as he buzzed the door open. An athletic and tattooed Latino man walked into the cell with his pillow and sheets; dressed in his prison cover-alls at his waist and a tight white tank top. The prison door closed shut. Varg stood up, and stared at him in disgust. “Hey, ese. You got a fuckin’ problem, mang?” The man sneered at Varg. Varg was still staring at him, not shaken from his remark, he was far too deep in anger and thought. Why would the prison guards send subhuman scum to his cell? Look at him. With his disgusting tattoos, subhuman Latino facial features, and that perfectly dark skin that highlighted his muscular appearance. He is disgusting. He is not worthy to live with the Great Varg Vikernes. He is animal. He is… he is absolutely gorgeous. Varg stepped closer to him, his body trembling with anticipation and the unknown. He put his hand on his face and went in for a kiss. Varg only was able to get his tongue in the man’s mouth for a split-second, before he knew what happened he felt a hard shove and then a large fist hit his ugly, dirty beard. He hit the floor with a bang. “What the fuck mang! Imma kick the the shit out of you!” The man then started repeatedly kicking Varg in the ribs and face. Varg started to cry. Not out of pain, but of joy. The feeling of being dominated by a non-Caucasian man only further fueled Varg’s seemingly insatiable lust. He knew who he was now. Perhaps Alejandro did not love him now, but he would learn to.

    • Stockhausen

      You are a strange, beautiful man/online woman.

    • So far 2/2 of your stories have been homo-erotic – 0/10 flushes.
      *ALSO – can you please just write a weekly column of just these?

      • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

        I smell a crossover between the axl/vince lovestory and this newfound varg/ricky martin lovestory with a dash of tim lambeezy.

        • Xan

          BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZY.

          • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

            Easy, Breezy, Tim Lambeezy.

    • A+.

      /fucknerd is just the best.

    • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

      2/5 flushes for not having a Tim Lambesis cameo.

      I am aroused.

    • Keegan Lavern Still

      I refuse to feel weird reading this. It’s a thing of beauty. I’m nont even ashamed of my 1/4 chub. ‘Tis a 1/4 chub of appreciation.

    • Mook Styfawker

      Write a book, mail it to Varg. Achieve infinite laughs.

      • Paris Hilton

        The funny thing is he would probably get SO MAD over it hahaha

        • Xan

          He’ll come for when he gets out of jail again.

          • Paris Hilton

            I’d fight that weird alien lookin motherfuckin nerd anytime and anywhere.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            I am picturing danny trejo in the role of the cellmate, and he is a sexy man, i am a bit jealous of the varg character at this point.

          • KJM

            Danny Trejo understands the Riddle Of Steel.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            He would be awesome as an old subotai in the king conan movie with arnold ! That would be killer except he is a bigger man, but people get bigger with age. Yea, i am exciting myself with that prospect.

          • Scrimm

            Damn that’s not a bad idea. I am really looking forward to that movie.

          • I was actually fantasizing Antonio Banderas…

          • Paris Hilton

            I should make a kick starter. “Help Forum Dweller Paris Hilton Fly to France to Lay a Good Fuckin Lickin On Varg Vikernes.” I honestly think that’s what he needs. A good old fashioned ass whoopin.

          • A Feed From Cloud Mountain

            Whatever happened to catchin a good ol’ fashioned passionate ass-whoppin’ and gettin’ your shoes, coat and your hat tooken?

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            i think you need to change the words “lay”, “fuckin;” & “lick” though, someone might get the wrong idea ;0 ahhahhahhah. Anytime i see the name paris hilton attached to those words i start to get some of those bad thoughts my therapist said i have to nip in the bud.

    • M Shadows

      !!!!!!¡¡¡¡¡

    • Mother of god…….

    • Ace Ventura

      THIS IS A LOVELY ROOM OF DEATH!!!

      TAKE CARE NOW, BYE BYE THEN

  • This is pretty good. I like what I’ve heard so far.