I saw Van Halen on a Tinder date and it went about as well as you’d expect

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In which one poor idea becomes two.

At 7:30 Monday morning I awoke and looked at my phone, as I do every morning. Per usual, I saw a billion Facebook notifications and a trillion work emails. There was also a lone email to my personal inbox from Ticketmaster. It was a friendly reminder that six months ago, amid a manic binge of purchases, I chose to throw down $94 for two general admission tickets (including parking and the dreaded Ticketmaster fees) to see Van Halen at the Circuit of Americas Amphitheater in Austin. That night. I’ve loved Van Halen since early childhood. I’ve loved women since seeing The Fifth Element in the theaters. I think I assumed that within the six months from purchase date to concert date, I would have found a girlfriend that would be willing to indulge my childish impulses to see dinosaur rock bands. I assumed wrong.

I had lost any desire to drive 45 minutes out of town to see Van Halen. As a young’un, Van Halen (never Van Hagar) was one of my favorite rock n’ roll bands. Van Halen II was one of my first vinyl albums. I was always stoked to hear the opening strains of “Eruption” and “Panama” when the FM rock station would deign to play them between extended bouts of 3 Doors Down and that terrible Fred Durst/Guy from Staind song. You know what I’m talking about. Unfortunately, my initial excitement was quickly extinguished by watching recent live videos of the band. Just… geez, it’s pretty rough, ya’ll.

 

Depending on your age, you may or may not know how difficult it is to get your friends to agree to do anything with you on a weeknight. My friends are great at assembling an impromptu bar crawl or kegger, not so much at following directions of any kind. At this moment I realized I could not sell my non-transferable Ticketmaster tickets (thanks, you fucks) so it was time to make a decision: go to the show alone knowing that I wasted a ticket, light 100 bucks on fire, or double down and make my night even worse. Gentle reader, I assure you I chose the latter; I opted to find a Tinder date for the affair.

I hate online dating. Aside from the very high likelihood that you’ll meet a Garbage Person, I have horrible anxiety. The prospect of meeting and spending a not-inconsiderable amount of time proving my value to a stranger is less than appealing to me. There are basic rules to going on a first date that you should definitely follow: Meet at a public place, don’t ride together to the date, plan an activity that allows the two of you to talk (movies and concerts are poor choices), and have an easy way to leave if you’re not feeling the date. I planned to ignore every one of these rules. JO(e)LO.

If you’ve never used Tinder (I envy you), here are the basics of the app’s functionality: (1) Swipe right on photos of people you think are not repulsive (2) If a person that deems you non-repulsive swipes right on you as well, you create a match (3) from there, you may message that person, or (4) Upload a “Moment” that all of your matches can see. A Moment is a photo that stays up for 24 hours. It’s designed to create a conversational point share half naked selfies with all of your matches so that you can chat with someone who is currently active on the app. Armed with this #knowledge, I asked a question to everyone I’ve ever matched with on Tinder:

Tinder Moment

The query I posed to the Tinderverse.

Shortly thereafter, I got a bite. So, I decided to lay it all out on the table:

I'm a man of my word.

I’m a man of my word.

 

After sorting out the details, I picked up my date at her home in South Austin and began the long and painful drive out of Austin, to Circuit of the Americas. Upon meeting her, I noticed that she didn’t much resemble the pictures in her profile, a common occurrence with online dating. But I wasn’t interested in her looks. I was interested in Van FUCKIN’ Halen. I attempted to learn a little about my date on the drive. Despite my myriad personality flaws, I’m actually capable at carrying on a conversation. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get much out of her. After a few dozen questions with single-word answers and aborted follow-up queries, the car was silent. Fellas: that’s a bad thing, especially on a first date. I began to regret telling this woman that I would write about our interactions on the Internet. The silence palpable, I opted to play some music from Spotify through the car stereo.

After a track of sweet, soulful Ryan Adams covering sweet, soulful TayTay, the playlist began to shuffle. For most folks, that’s fine. Unfortunately, I am a weirdo who listens to and writes about music that is bad and not good. “From the Womb to the Tomb” by the very excellent straightedge hardcore band Bishop began to blare through the speakers. I quickly hit “next” and my horrified date asked “What was that!?” I tried to explain that I’m a fan of all kinds of music, including metal. She remarked that it sounded awful, which is probably objectively accurate. I decided not to attempt a discussion on Van Halen’s significance within the development of metal, particularly that Eddie Van Halen’s groundbreaking guitar work continues to influence millions of metalheads. I also neglected to mention exactly where this piece would be published.

We arrived at the gate as Van Halen hit the stage, just as I planned (the opening act was Kenny Wayne Shepherd‘s band. I am not yet a cargoshort-ed and goatee-d dad, so I still have yet to learn to appreciate Blueshammer.) As the opening bass line of “Running With The Devil” thumped, David Lee Roth remarked to the crowd “Hey, I know that song”. This would prove to be a totally inaccurate statement.

Van Halen 1
The venue was utterly packed. There were were more people crammed into the amphitheater that night than there were when I saw a country music festival. In Texas. On the Fouth of July. My date and I pushed forward through the fairweather fans in the General Admission section as far as we could while trying not to upset the many, many wasted middle-aged men in cut-off Confederate flag Pantera tees. The stench of ditch weed permeated like a childhood friend; warm, familiar, and not just a little embarrassing. It was a Monday with a distinctly 40+ crowd, but these folks were here to get down.

The three men with the surname Van Halen (Michael Anthony was cruelly ousted from the band a few years ago, replaced by Eddie’s son Wolfgang on bass and backup vocals) were ripping through the set. Hit after hit, these gentlemen displayed the kind virtuosity and panache at their instruments you would hope for from men that have devoted their entire lives to hedonistic rock n’ roll. Alex Van Halen beat the everloving shit out of his drums in a way that would be inspiring from a younger man, let alone a man 3-years shy of an AARP card. Wolfgang was admirably competent with his basslines and almost as good at Michael “Cannon Mouth” Anthony’s trademark harmonies. Eddie was everything I ever hoped to see as a guitar-obsessed teenager. He is a man that lives and breathes these pop-metal classics; the way he carries rhythm guitar with seemingly-impossible lead fills, vocal harmonies, and of course, his blisteringly sweet guitar solos, blew my tits clean off. Which brings us to our frontman, the one-and-only David Lee Roth.

My date and I stood silently, awkwardly next to each other. The band romped from “Runnin’ with the Devil” to “Dance the Night Away”. She grabbed my arm and excitedly yelled into my ear “I love this song!” “Me too!”, I screamed back, “This was one of my first albums!”. “Cool!” she replied. You’re nailing it, I decided to myself. As the band moved on to some song I’ve never heard in my life and will likely never hear again, the siren call of a $9 domestic tallboy could no longer be ignored. I left to grab us beers, dropped the lone $20 in my pocket, and returned, halfway surprised that she didn’t bail.

DLR and EVH have had beef for years. It’s not difficult to see why. Eddie Van Halen is a Serious Musician. Technically and compositionally skilled, Eddie mastered the art of writing a rock hit. And though he is unquestionably a better singer, I have zero interest in seeing Van Halen with Sammy Hagar (or *barf* Gary Cherone). All the VH songs I know and love feature one lovable asshole on lead vocals. David Lee Roth is a cheeseball. He knows it and embraces it. You can watch any of the (amazing) old Van Halen music videos and see him inhabit his brilliant Sex God/Used Car Salesman/Gymnast/Sunset Strip Trash persona. Though he wasn’t a great singer, David Lee Roth is the consummate showman. The cultural treasure that IS Van Halen would not exist without him and his goofball antics. Here’s the problem: David Lee Roth can’t fucking sing.

After a couple of rough attempts that I tried to chalk up to rust, it was apparent: Diamond Dave has a vocal range about an inch wide and his memory is somehow even worse. He seems to have forgotten the vocal melody and lyrics to just about every song he’s performed thousands of times. I say this, not to be an aggressively hyperbolic and jaded, but to be totally honest. Whatever musical abilities DLR had are just about entirely gone. But somehow, he still has “It”.

Watching the man parade around the stage, aggressively spinning his mic stand like a katana, pelvic thrusting, and jump kicking like a madman is magical. It’s like seeing your drunk, burnout uncle slur and leap to the table at Thanksgiving dinner and, without missing a beat, perform a perfect Gene Kelly “Singin’ In The Rain” song and dance routine. David Lee Roth had no less than eight (my date and I attempted to keep count) outfit changes while shimmying, shaking, and otherwise musically destroying every song. Lest you think I’m being a Grumpy Pants Blogger, my date soon remarked “He’s… awful”. We spent much of the night watching in equal parts adoration and horror.

The Three Van Halens butted up against Diamond Dave for an entire set, their professionalism and skill at odds with his reckless showmanship and hopelessly off-tune voice. I began to understand why Eddie and Dave aren’t the best of bros. To his credit, near the end of the show a stage hand threw DLR an acoustic guitar. He picked away and beautifully sang “Ice Cream Man”. Right up until the rest of the band came in, then it was back to garbagetime. Perhaps our man was sandbagging this performance?

Probably not. DLR’s inability to remember lyrics brought the show to an absolute nadir (for me). “Unchained” is a perfect song. It begins with an iconic riff that carries the entire song, sweaty machismo throughout. The recording of the song’s bridge is an essential moment in rock history. In the studio, David Lee Roth notably began to heckle some dickbag label suit from the recording booth. “Hey man, that suit is YOU. You’ll get some leg tonight for sure…” From this moment, he requests a massive drum break and totally gets it. Unfortunately, our man forgot his stage banter for the night, stumbled a bit, and finally blurted out a meager “Break”, much to the relief of the rest of the band, I’m sure. But goddamn, did he look cool pulling off his hyperathletic moves on stage. I hope I’m in half the shape he is when I’m his age.

unnamed

Obligatory shitty concert photography

Alex and Eddie both got time for extended solo pieces, and both killed it. Watching a 10-minute warmup to “Eruption” was easily the highlight for me, and my date. After a mercifully brief closing, the band came back for an encore of “Jump” (my date’s favorite tune), and “Panama” (my favorite).

We joined the throng of buzzed suburbanites to leave this awful county tax boondoggle and head back to their respective homes. What happened next? Well, let’s just say wink, wink, say no more.*

 

*She fell asleep in the car, I dropped her off at home, drove back to my apartment, then drank beers while listening to records. It was enjoyable. I don’t think I’m cut out for dating.

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  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    So, did you cum or what?

  • Sure glad you did not bail on the concert Joe. Sounds like you all had fun!

    GL

  • Tinder is really good for passing time and laughing at teh flaws in people’s profiles. Not so much for anything else, though I suppose maybe its a decent tool for a serial killer or something, but I wouldn’t know as I kill terrorists who deserve it and don’t say hey on tinder

  • This was a rollercoaster from beginning to end. Glad you made it out mostly alive.

  • She didn’t like xBISHOPx? Spinkick left.

    • Old Man Doom

      This comments thread is fucking on point today.

  • GODDAMNITLADYYOUKNOWIAINTLYINGTOYAIAMWANNATELLYOYONETIME!!!

    AAH-YAH!!!!!!!! WOOOOO!

    Running with the devil

    https://chainedandperfumed.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/david-lee-roth1.jpg

    • Goddamn. It never gets old.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNJNCazmNnI

      • MoshOff

        Was just going to post this. Top kek.

      • This is the best thing ever. I cannot control my laughter just about anytime I hear it.

      • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

        Oh my god, that was great. Holy shit. Fuckin’ cocaine, man

      • Óðinn

        Banana hammock. Yuck. DLR needs to put some clothes on.

        That is pretty funny though.

        • IronLawnmower

          Is it weird that I like this

          • Óðinn

            No. It’s actually kind of good. Sludgey.

    • I’m glad he at least has a banana to eat between all those bottles of Jack and
      Marlboros.

    • Óðinn

      Gah. More naked guy butt.

  • MoshOff

    Sounds like my dates, Papa Joe. Minus the Van Halen part.

    • I went on a date like this once only because the girl had a corgi. She awkwardly went in for the kiss after.

      • MoshOff

        What did the girl think of that?

        • The kiss failed pretty hard and we both went home in shame. I tried reaching out to her because it turned out she only brought ONE of her two corgis, and I had to meet the other one, but she stopped responding.

          I think we’re still fb friends but I don’t remember her name

          • MoshOff

            “Corgi Girl 42”

          • I’m going to try to find her

        • As good as kissing a dog (corgie) could be I imagine.

          • MoshOff

            Exactly.

          • Old cigar dude quote: “The difference between a man’s kiss and a dog’s kiss? A dog really means it”

      • Based Pingu

        I won’t blame you, corgis are pretty cool.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Ive been getting a lot of matches on Tinder lately. I have had 4 in the past two days. There was two others but they were bots.

    • If you listened to more power metal, you’d have even more matches! Once I changed my profile picture to a pic of me entering Sheol Ghul to defeat the Dark One, I went from no matches to thousands!

      • MoshOff

        Mages HATE him!

      • Based Pingu

        Quality over quantity.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Agreed.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Not happening.

      • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

        Spoiler alert: but what are the ladies gonna say when you show up for the date looking nothing like the Rand in your profile pics?

        • All Hail the Derp King

          • Do you put that cat of yours in your profile pictures? lol

          • MoshOff

            You’d be surprised how many matches that’s gotten me man.

          • Albus Dumblepurr is the king of getting the ladies over. I’m pretty sure he’d work on either gender though

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            “Albus Dumblepurr”

            Awesome, love it.

          • I used to send out moments of him and girls would like the picture, then not respond to my attempts to talk to them

  • This may be my new favorite article here

    • RJA

      Please let this not be the only one, but first of many.

      • I would love to try this, but I don’t think “Want to go to a $5 local show for free? Inquire within” is going to work

        Edit: Actually this is almost exactly how my one and only tinder victory went.

        • MoshOff

          “Are you a False Metal poser? Stay the fuck away.”

        • “Ay gurl, u wanna go with me to see EPICARDIECTOMY?”

          • “BRING YUR BASKETBALL SHORTS”

          • MoshOff

            I saw a girl in a DEVOURMENT hoodie at a festival in Spain and I almost proposed (srs).

          • xengineofdeathx

            You could “fuck her head off” after you guys go out for ice cream.

          • “Ay gurl, lemme see some hammers”.

          • MoshOff

            “Show me you boobies, show me, show me.”

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            “Ay girl, you want to see Humble Pie? Oh well, they’re disbanded.”

          • MoshOff

            I died. I am dead.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            It’s a classic.

        • “Going to see some crust punk bands at a local dive bar. Drinks, transportation, admission and sex will be provided,”

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          Plus power metal for women is repellant

          • For some strange reason, girls LOVE sonata arctica

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            That wasn’t the button I was trying to push.

  • Joe: “I’m a music writer in my spare time”.

    • Well it’s not a TOTAL lie.

      • Finally end reading this. It was fabulous, Joe!!

        Impressive job! You clearly are a music writer 😀

  • RJA

    As a long time married man I do not envy you guys in the current dating world – it sounds terrifying.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      It is. I gave up on it for a while but it sucked me back in.

    • The mere thought of having to converse with someone through texting would irritate me to no end.

    • Vote for Jeb

      Same dude. I haven’t been married for too long, but I never had to go the online route. Sounds terrible.

  • Awful DLR sounds like it’s worth the price of admission to me. If you’re gonna fuck something up, might as well do it royally.

    • Óðinn

      I have to admit, I’d prefer David Lee Roth on his worst night to Sammy Hagar on his best. All the classic material was with Roth.

  • Rad write-up by the way.

  • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

    I think these Metal tinder date articles need to be a regular thing

    • Could be a tough sell for non-stadium acts, but I’ll give it a try!

      • MoshOff

        Just wait for the next Harm’s Way World Tour.

      • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

        Maiden is doing a US tour next year…

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          It’s going to MSG. Now I have to decide between that and Sabbath.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Go with Sabbath. You’ll probably have another chance to see Maiden someday.

          • counterpoint: Maiden >>> Sabbath

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Whatever your personal opinion on this, this could possibly be his last chance to see Tony Iommi, the riffmaster of Metal. Barring extreme circumstances, Maiden will live to play another day.

          • Óðinn

            You’re right. Considering that Sabbath is probably on their last tour, if you have to choose, Sabbath is the right choice.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            I probably won’t get to see it, but I’ve seen Tony 8 times. I can’t complain.

          • Óðinn

            8 times. Nice.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            5 times with classic Sabbath, 3 times with Heaven & Hell.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I had to make this choice just last week. I chose Maiden and Sabbath is my all time favourite band.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Have you seen Sabbath before though?

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Yes last tour that was the only time, I’ve seen Maiden 3 times. I loved watching Sabbath but Maiden are so much better live. Hopefully I can score some last minute cheap tickets for Sabbath

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            As long as you’ve seen Sabbath already, that’s the important thing. I agree about the performance quality and it would’ve been MUCH WORSE if Bill Ward were drumming, I’m sorry to say.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            This guy getys it. Those pining for Bill Ward would be the same ones complaining when he wouldn’t be able to get the job done. Actually, they probably wouldn’t be there anyway.

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Ozzy’s flaws can be smoothed over with tech wizardry, Bill’s can’t. Bill has even admitted that he can’t hang for a 2 hour set. When I saw BS in 1999 & 2001(twice), they played just fine. However, in 2004 & 2005, they were completely upstaged by Judas Priest and Iron Maiden.

            IOW, the only real reason to see Sabbath now is to pay respects to Tony before his health takes a turn for the worse.

          • Óðinn

            Sabbath. Maiden will likely continue to tour. I doubt Sabbath will tour much longer. This could be their last. That way you’ll get to see both, assuming you’ve never seen either.

    • Óðinn

      Yes, I’d like to read a review of a Converge date.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    So… do I swipe to right or from right?

    I’d probably pay just to see DLR fuck it up as royally as he can though. Date or no date.

  • MoshOff

    Serious question: has anyone ever found their soulmate on Tinder?

    • Guacamole Jim

      You don’t live close enough to me.

      • MoshOff

        *swipe right*

    • “Soulmate” is maybe a bit extreme, but I know a couple that is very happily living together after meeting on Tinder a couple of years ago.

      • So on Tinder is there categories you populate with things you like to do? So you can match up with people who like the same thing?

        • It populates information from Facebook. If you have mutual “liked” interests or friends, it will display them. Aside from that, you can type in a couple of sentences about yourself.

          • MoshOff

            “6’1. No short guys.”

          • “Wanderlust! Travelling is MAGICAL”

          • MoshOff

            “Looking for my Tinderella.”

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Slain. I am slain.

          • “I’m willing to lie about how we met.”

          • “I love Jesus, no hookups”
            *7 photos in underwear*

          • “Swipe left if you just want a hookup”

            *Tinder is literally a hookup app

          • CyberneticOrganism

            “I’m not THAT kind of girl lol”
            *extra slutty nurse every year for Halloween*

          • Every single time their main pic is them leaning over with their boobs hanging out, blowing a kiss, and winking.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Go on…

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Goes for guys too. “I’m no dbag gym rat lol”
            *26 bathroom mirror pics of pulling up shirt*

          • At least women aren’t the ones sending the absurd messages and fueling dozens of buzzfeed picture articles

          • Those kisses are all for the Derp King.

          • Only if I promise to slay them with the steel later 😉

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            I am The Derp King!
            I can’t do anything!

          • I can relate to this.

          • “I love yoga and craft beer!”

          • I would kill to read all the silly stuff people write. Keep going!

          • MoshOff

            You could write a book about it.

          • I love how in the section of tinder where you explain why you’re unique, everyone ends up typing the same thing

          • “I love sitting in a tree stand and I hope you never want to accompany me.”

            GL

          • I’ve been told all dudes are pretty much “love craft beer, hookah, and going to new places.” and pictures of abs

          • MoshOff

            What a nightmare.

          • This is why being a normie on tinder gets you nowhere unless you’re absurdly good looking. Which obviously I am

          • On online dating sites, every girl is “motivated and goal-oriented” and none of them drink or do drugs. They should hook up with the abs hookah guys.

          • MoshOff

            “Currently on the Appalachian Trail.”

        • RJA

          I like you GL, you’re as clueless as me!

      • Holy fuck, I need to acquire a smart phone so I can do this and take super evil black metal pictures of my self with my spikes and bullet belts on. I’m sure it would work with these very sophisticated PSU ladies.

        http://stateinthereal.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/psu.png

        • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

          “I hit stuff with sticks in an horrible grindcore band. Want to hook up?”

          • Damn, that’s good.

        • If you get one, you’ll find about 300 girls in a row with all the exact same pictures of them at the bar with their friends, an interchangeable beach/mountain picture of them sitting looking at the sunrise/set, and a bunch of angled selfies.

          then you’ll find one metal/punk girl, and she didn’t swipe right on you.

          I’M COVERED IN BLOOD ON STAGE FOR ONE OF MY PICTURES, WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS FAILURE.

          • Yup. Probably best that I stick to my shitty dumb phone and live in solitude.

          • Actually I tried to be a normie, got very few matches. Then put “total nerd, musician” and had a date the next day.

            go all the way or don’t do it at all

          • Good idea. Pretending to be normie has been a bust for me.

          • I changed all my profile pictures from nice, normal good looking photos of me to me being the derp king on stage.

            For you, I’d recommend showing off how you crush nerds in the pit in your photos

          • Tyree: Heavy metal beer drinking drummer nerd that buys too many records and works a dumb lame cubical job full time but barely does any work because of Internets.

          • Your first date better involve blasting your drums.

          • Ha! Now I’d like to explain the different blasting techniques. This is the one footed traditional blast.*PLAYS LOUD BLAST BEATS* This is the two footed blast but much faster. *PLAYS LOUD BLAST BEATS* This is the bomb blast. *PLAYS LOUD BLAST BEATS* This is the Suffo blast *PLAYS LOUD BLAST BEATS*.

          • MoshOff

            Do you Deicide blast? (First hit on the snare).

          • Not much no. Steve is a beast though. I love watching that guy blast his way through a song.

          • Max

            Hey! You just plagiarized that pick-up line from the instructional CD that came with Derek Roddy’s drum tutorial book!

          • SheWölf

            You work in a cubical???

          • MoshOff

            That works in the States, where everybody and their brother has Tinder. Where I’m living I’m lucky if I get like 5 swipes a day, so I have to be a bit more… ahem, “normal” in my approach. Which has still gotten me pretty much nowhere, tbh.

          • Small population on tinder, yeah?

          • MoshOff

            REALLY small. A lot of the time there’s a couple American girls, so that’s always nice haha.

        • MoshOff

          Yep, that would be a Penn State coed if I never saw one.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Look at that fucking slut. Needs to clean her fucking room.

          • Yeah, by taking down all that PSU shit and putting up heavy metal posters.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Eating a pizza? On those, freshly cleaned sheets? Better not think you can do that shit with me, woman!

          • Based Pingu

            She can’t because you don’t have clean sheets.

        • Óðinn

          ~~~

    • Found my current roommate on okcupid, found one of my best friends on tinder. I’m content

    • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

      I had no idea what a Tinder was until this article.

  • Guacamole Jim

    Dating is the worst. That being said, I think Papa Joe went on the best date I’ve ever heard of. This was excellent and hilarious.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Note: don’t use this pickup line “If you were a robot you’d be Optimus Fine.” I guess it doesn’t work.

    • Herr Schmitty

      No sir, I do not suspect that’d work.

      • If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber.

        • Herr Schmitty

          Getting warmer…

        • Leif Bearikson

          Are you from Ireland? Because when I see you my penis is Dublin

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I also use this line which works better: do you want me to hit you with a cheesy pickup line or can we skip that?

        • Lacertilian

          Somehow, I find that even lamer than attempting a line.
          Just say Hi and talk about something.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            It works though. I have a date tomorrow and it all started because of that line.

          • Lacertilian

            It may have worked any other way. It was not possible for this experiment to have a control variable so you’ll never be truly sure of the other possible outcomes.

          • Óðinn

            “High?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Me too.”

            “Hey, we have something in common. Nice to meet you.”

    • Based Pingu

      This one works: “There’s this movie I wanna see but my mom says I can’t go alone”

        • KJM, Doom Hunter General

          All the ladies love Olde English 800!!!

          • Man, I got to draw the line somewhere.

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            Gotta keep it sophisticated and top of the line with the ladies. That’s why I stick with Schlitz, Thunderbird, Natty Daddy Ice and some of that fruit punch flavored Steel Reserve if I really wanna get fancy.

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            Can’t you see KJM earlin’ in the parkin’ lot?

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVt6XMCLbE8

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            drink it like a madman, yes I do

      • KJM, Doom Hunter General

        Oh, that one’s a sure fire winner.

    • KJM, Doom Hunter General

      Go Kevin Nash style: “Babe, are you a quad? Cos I’mma tear you up!”

    • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

      “Hey baby, you stupid fine! Let me back up on dat bumper and smack my monkey!”

      Works for me everytime!

  • Amazing article! I love Van Hagar, come fight me. Seeing the band live nowadays should prove that ole’ Red Rocker ain’t so bad after all

  • DCLXVI

    “cargoshort-ed and goatee-d dad”

    I resemble that comment

  • CyberneticOrganism
    • I see this dude on Bandcamp all the time. NOS4A2 I think…

      • Guacamole Jim

        Arnold?

        • Based Pingu

          Yes. McNulty and Arnold share an interest in schlager music.

          • You also thought McNulty and ME GORAK shared the same person tho

          • Based Pingu

            They are the same person. The proof is in the pudding.

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            I thought you and Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz were the same person for quite a while.

          • Based Pingu

            I hope that’s a joke. I am pretty sure he disliked me.

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            Yeah, I was busting your balls.

          • Based Pingu

            But I don’t have balls.

          • Óðinn

            Wasn’t there more than one zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz? I sometimes thought the posts were satire, and then other times they seemed to come from a genuine right-wing teabagger.

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            More the latter than the prior. I always pictured him as one of those guys whose entire wall is covered with doomsday and government conspiracy articles, clips from militia pamphlets, and Soldier Of Fortune magazines strewn across the room.

          • Óðinn

            A naked poster of Alex Jones of Glenn Back on his wall.

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa
          • Óðinn

            Used to tell that joke after a mass shooting…..”The NRA issued a statement expressing concern for all firearms involved.”

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            CNN had a military analyst on there who said that shooting that happened in Oregon earlier today happened because it was a gun free zone, all of 90 minutes after it happened. According to him, then, the Newtown shootings would never have happened if only we gave the toddlers assault rifles.

          • Óðinn

            Oh people (i.e the NRA) were suggesting that, mandatory gun training in public schools. What could go wrong? Children and teenagers are never careless, irresponsible, or emotional. 😉

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            And those same people say that that one kid deserved to be arrested for bringing in a clock. Guns good, clocks bad, because reasons and shit.

          • Óðinn

            Yeah, that clock story was nuts. Why can’t people stop themselves from overreacting to something that, with a rudimentary level of investigation, was shown to be innocuous?

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            And the over-reaction afterwards. Building a clock like he was making is simple as fuck from what I’ve read, and he’s already met the President and gotten offered top level jobs?!?

          • Óðinn

            Yeah, he’s neither a villain or a genius. He’s most likely a normal kid who took apart a clock radio.

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            Exactly.

          • Óðinn
          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, and Fark’s comments board is going in it’s usual direction when this happens.

          • BobLoblaw
          • Óðinn

            That reminds me of why the “arm the homeless” prank was such a stroke of genius.

            http://hoaxes.org/archive/permalink/arm_the_homeless/

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa
          • Óðinn

            If more guns in the hands of citizens made you safe, America would the safest place on Earth.

          • Óðinn

            Maybe satire and reality intersect somewhere around insanity.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Well with how many novelty accounts you run, that’s a better guess than most.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Is Jimmy Riot Act?

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Fuck me, it’s Jimmy.

          • I will always trick you.

          • Based Pingu

            McNulty of God

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        I too have noticed him. A lot.

        • anytime i see somebody on all the Toilet picks, i want to reach out and say “come hang with us”. at least that’s how i try to make friends IRL

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Lacertillian thinks he’s a bot

  • RustyShackleford

    Buddy of mine saw them on Long Island this summer. Said the same thing. DLR can’t sing, routinely had the crowd sing all the verses and choruses. If you can’t do it, time to PACK IT UP! Also I’m a Van Hagar fan so fucking FIGHT ME KIDS! Yep!

    • MoshOff

      Yyyup.

  • KJM, Doom Hunter General

    I’m glad I saw DLR in the mid-80s(EEAS tour 1986) rather than now. The only VH I ever got to see was Van Hagar.

  • OldMetalHead

    Entertaining read as always Joe. Sorry to hear that Diamond Dave’s voice is getting worse. My son and I saw VH in 2007 which was their initial reunion tour (before the new album). He was on point that night, but it was 8 years ago.

  • JWEG

    If I ever use a dating app, it will probably be that one where the lady must make the first move. Mostly because I always screw things up the other way around.

  • Scrimm

    Now you have heard him as he has always sounded to me.

  • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

    No Gary Cherone = no Van Halen!!!!!

    • -JJD

    • Based Pingu

      I’m absolutely ok with no Van Halen.

      • Óðinn

        To be honest, me too. I was a fan at one time. But their music no longer appeals to me the same way it once did. I could take it or leave it.

        • Based Pingu

          I’ve always hated them. Every time I hear a Van Halen song my rectum prolapses.

          • Óðinn

            Ouch. No wonder you don’t like them.

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!! Your two favorite things in the world combined!

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6X541x4v0g

          • Óðinn

            Is Family Guy a paddlin? I forget.

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            Nope!

  • Óðinn

    I met David Lee Roth once. The odd thing was that he seemed much more excited to meet me than I did to meet him. I always found that very odd. He would have no reason to know me or care who I was (at that point in time anyway). Then somebody told me that he is very gay. I didn’t know if he’s actually gay, but now when I see him in his pink spandex outfits, it kind of makes sense.

    • Max

      If his documented sexcapades are true, he’s putting a lot of effort into staying in the closet!

      • Óðinn

        I love the way you used the word documented. Wouldn’t it be weird if there was a documentary crew that followed him around, just in case he was going to have sex, when they weren’t busy documenting Wilt Chamberlain of course. 😉

  • I saw them on this same tour. You echo my thoughts way more eloquently than I could have. Eddie, Alex and Wolfgang fucking nailed it. Dave… Dave made the whole experience bittersweet. Fuck.

    Side note, how do y’all normally write these? Type part of it on your smartphone at the show then come home and finish it later? Wait til the evening after?

    • I try to be very conscious of everything that’s going on, then I go home and write down things that I might forget. After that, I like to give it a few days to push the pieces around in my head and put it into a narrative.

      • Thanks, dude. I’ll keep this in mind next time I go to a show worth writing about.

  • Max

    “All the VH songs I know and love feature one lovable asshole on lead vocals. David Lee Roth is a cheeseball. He knows it and embraces it. You can watch any of the (amazing) old Van Halen music videos and see him inhabit his brilliant Sex God/Used Car Salesman/Gymnast/Sunset Strip Trash persona.”

    I love that. That’s exactly the Diamond Dave I know.

    Actually this is easily my favourite live review I’ve read in a long time.

    PS: The only time I’ve ever seen VH was with Gary Cherone. But as on Tinder I suspect, beggars can’t be choosers.

  • Dagon

    This article was awesome, shame that I couldn’t participate in time. I had French… business.

    I’m also very glad to be the Garbage Person, it makes life so much easier 😉

  • xengineofdeathx

    I fucking loved this article man. Great read. I’m afraid of online dating too, I caught a staph infection from going down on a chick I met on MySpace in 2005.

  • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

    Joe, may I present some pointers from Blood Ninja, the master of the online pick up? (click to embiggeren)

    http://i.imgur.com/HA4yA.jpg

  • Waynecro

    Great article, Joe. I guess I’m pretty lucky: I met my woman at work, so I didn’t even have to try. Of course, she ended up laying off my entire department. Keep hanging in there. You’ll find someone awesome, or, at the very least, have some great stories to tell.

    • i stumbled upon this article when writing one of my own. how’s life after the big ole’ event?

      • Waynecro

        By “big ole’ event,” do you mean the love of my life ripping my heart out of my dick and running it over with a lawnmower? I certainly feel stupid about the comment I left in this article now. Are you writing an article for the Toilet?

        • yeah, just hoping you’re doing okay. i’m working on a VH-related article 😉

          • Waynecro

            Thanks, man. Nice of you to care. I’m about as OK as I can be, but I feel like a miserable fuck. No matter what you’ve been through in life, you can always experience something worse, apparently. This shit’s right up there with pancreatitis and crooked catheter but, like, in my heart. Hope your article turns out great.

          • it’ll suck, but as long as i write one a week Joe can’t kick me out of the club!

          • Waynecro

            Good luck! I’m sure it’ll be great. Solid gold as always.

          • Lacertilian

            currently high>>>low in the past

          • wait, wut?

          • Lacertilian
          • just more merol is all

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Cool story bro (really)! I share your Van Halen love as well. I could get past Davids vocal range issues if he would stfu. No second date?

  • SheWölf

    I’m sure this joke has been driven into the dirt, but it is literally all I can think of anytime someone mentions Diamond Dave…