I saw GWAR and Battlecross in the worst city on Earth

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Las Vegas is a festering wound in the desert.

Nothing good has ever happened here and nothing ever will. After Havana fell through, Las Vegas was constructed as a haven for boozing and gambling by opportunist gangsters for the rubes of America. Foolish people travel across the world to come here. With dreams of fortune and glamour, you’re soon to be face-to-face with the reality of dropped mortgage payments and Irish tourists in flip-flops vomiting on their own feet. If you want drugs, gambling, prostitutes, or a wide selection of the worst people in the world, you can find them here easily.

Every time I leave, I’m sure I will never come back; that the desert will finally, mercifully swallow this city and leave no trace of the human folly that built it in the first place. The one good thing I can say about Las Vegas is that convenient restroom facilities are always nearby. This is necessary because everyone here comes to consume. And consume. And consume. It is endless. From the water that drains through millions of hotel rooms to the sushi trucked in from thousands of miles away, to the plastic that fills every trash can from sugar-and-grain-alochol-filled-novelty drinks, Las Vegas is capitalism run amok. The culmination of waste and greed is enough to make a man declare that America Must Be Destroyed.

In other words, it’s the perfect place to see a Gwar concert.

I awoke at the crack of 3 PM Friday morning and hit the day with as much gusto as I could summon; I drank a quart of water, showered, finished a book I started on the plane, and eventually decided to clothe myself. The night before had stretched on far too long. It was my first evening in Las Vegas that weekend and I chose to spend it playing Blackjack.

If you’ve never played Blackjack, the object of the game is simple: see how many Budweisers the waitress will bring you before you run out of chips. Lady Luck was on my side that night. My last memories of the night include trying four different floors before finding my hotel room and drinking two ounces of tap water, assured that I would feel fine in the morning. I was wrong. I typically am. Guilt over a wasted weekend slowly overcame my desire to lay in an oversized hotel room bed, and I slowly shuffled my ass down to the lobby and out to the taxi stand. “Downtown, my good man”, I mumbled to the taxi driver.

The Las Vegas Strip, where my hotel was located, is an affront to God and all that is decent. The grand architecture and inventive design choices are sullied by unending crowds of drunks, hucksters, and bloated fools. For those of us cursed with a healthy sense of cynicism and a lack of serotonin, The Strip is hell on Earth. I needed a little breathing room. By comparison, downtown Las Vegas offers more modest views, fewer shitfaced Minnesotans, and a modicum (for Vegas) of culture.

While dicking around and gawking at all the funky old casinos and signs, I passed a venue that promised “GWAR” in large letters on the marque. Further inspection showed that, yes, the galactic comic book villains/Virginian metal heavyweights would be performing at that particular location in just a couple of hours alongside Battlecross (cool!) and Born of Osiris (uhhh….). This was fate. I had found my plans for the evening.

After playing a little more Blackjack*, I left The Cortez and walked across the street to the Fremont Country Club. I had just missed local openers We Gave It Hell (sorry dudes, but I’m 28 and drinking/gambling are far more appealing than Sumeriancore), and found that Born of Osiris had to drop off the rest of the tour last minute. Que lastima, as the Spaniards say; I guess I would just have to watch the two bands I wanted to see. I paid the full $25 for entry because press passes are an instrument of the bourgeois and/or writers that can plan their life out more than an hour or two ahead of time.

I entered the venue and got the full-motherfucking-TSA-style patdown. Inside, every surface was covered in plastic wrap; from the wooden bar top, to the animal print covered columns. I saw more security guys in this (maybe) 350-person venue than I’ve seen at some festivals. The Fremont Country Club was expecting some shit to go down, and brother… yeah, nothing really happened.

Freemont Country Club

The tasteful cow skin columns were lovingly covered with plastic wrap.

Battlecross was riffing through Slayer tunes while soundchecking. It was fun! Until that soundcheck stretched on for about a half an hour. With Born of Osiris dropping out, everyone had plenty of time to just kinda figure things out at their own pace. I had a $5 plastic cup full of PBR so I didn’t much care. Eventually, it came time for Battlecross to put on the show.

Occasionally you’ll go to a show and see a band in top form, effortlessly thrilling the crowd with every deft move of showmanship. Most of the time you’ll see a band plow through their standard set. And sometimes, if you’re especially lucky, you’ll see a successful band play the worst set of their career. My friends, the latter happened that night.

The self-described “Blue-Collar Thrash” band from Canton Township, Michigan made the mistake of angering the sound guy. Or God. Possibly both. After a handful of spotty-sounding tunes, the PA shit out on the band altogether. To their credit, the band didn’t stop playing. The stage-volume guitar amps, bass and drums louder than anything, the vocals utterly silent; a Battlecross superfan wouldn’t be able to figure out which song was playing and when. Vocalist Kyle “Gumby” Gunther did his best to keep the crowd from getting restless and angry. I didn’t envy his job.

Battlecross

Pictured: A man having a bad day at the office.

A friendly stranger approached me during the lull in the set and we chatted about Gwar, Las Vegas, and the state of metal circa 2k15. He bought me a beer. Then another. And another. I was quickly approaching drunk. What a nice guy! Mercifully, the PA system magically returned just in time for Battlecross to finish their set with two more songs. They launched into “Flesh & Bone” with the force of a band whose thumbs were suddenly freed from the constraints of their own ass-prison. For two songs, this band ripped.

My new friend asked if I wanted to do cocaine with him. I politely declined his invitation. He seemed slightly disappointed and exited the venue shortly thereafter. No matter, Gwar was up next.

IMG_1812

Some dudes that asked me to take a picture of them.

Two monster-suited slaves took the stage to the sound of a pumping drum machine. They slapped away at latex synthesizers and performed an exceptionally silly EDM-version of “Sick of You”. Predictably, the rest of the band took the stage, slayed the errant slaves and began the process of rockin’. There would be no sound issues with this set.

When I last saw Gwar, the band and audience was openly mourning the loss of Oderus Urungus. With a new group of faces new and old, Gwar put together a show that alternately paid tribute and mocked the character played by Dave Brockie. Though not a soul in the venue would have preferred a new face over Brockie’s, it was legitimately exciting to watch Vulvatron, a rare female Gwar cast-member (RIP Slymenstra Hymen), control the stage and soak the front row with forcefully projected tit-blood. Unfortunately, shortly after that tour Vulvatron (née Kim Dylla) was sacked amid a torrent of he said/she said accusations.

Making a return appearance from the previous tour, Blothar, a hulking figure with antlers for shoulders, would take over as new lead vocalist for the band. It makes sense, his voice is very similar to Oderus, but I was a little disappointed there wouldn’t be additional experimentation at the helm of the band. I liked Vulvatron, y’all. The band was likely well familiar with that sentiment.

IMG_1789 2

Some dude spraying the crowd with blood from his giant rubber dong.

The storyline for this tour revolved around the complications of maintaining a working band in the shadow of Brockie’s passing and tribute. Sleazy P. Martini, Gwar’s delightfully evil manager, appeared via video screen to teach the scumdogs about the Internet. The band was shocked to learn that their devices could be used for more than viewing kitten videos and pornography; as it turns out, the Internet is also filled with angry opinions about Gwar, especially after the loss of Oderus.

In between skits, the band played through their 30-year discography. A fight ensued with a female latex monster. Jizmak shouted at the creature, “The direction you wanted to go was stupid; cover songs and lame new characters”. “Hey. I’m a lame new character”, deadpanned Blothar. The thing was slain in an explosion of gore, as is custom. The band met the fabled “Internet Troll”, a giant green cyclops. It too, was dispatched with squishy violence.

IMG_1805

The Internet Troll being vivisected.

After roughly an hour-and-a-half of classic tunes, explosions of violence, and comical drug usage, the band wrapped up their adventure and closed the set with a proper version of “Sick of You”. Drunk and exhausted, the audience shuffled out the door, satisfied and covered in sticky goo. The show left me lingering questions. Did the sound guy sabotage Battlecross? What will Gwar focus on after the chapters of memorial and backlash? I feel pretty wasted, did that guy put something in my drink? It was probably the worst Gwar show I had ever seen, which means it was about 9000x better than most shows.

With these questions in mind, I ventured out to the desert in search of the one thing I craved.

Meat Sandwich

Meat Sandwich.

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  • Waynecro

    You had quite the adventure, Joe. I’m glad that dude buying you drinks didn’t manage to kidnap you. It’s no fun seeing a Las Vegas hotel penthouse when you’re drugged and tied to a chair.

    • Vote for Jeb

      You often type things that lead me to believe you’ve seen some stuff, man.

      • Waynecro

        Dude, I totally have. Thank goodness kidnapping/drug rape in Las Vegas isn’t part of the stuff I’ve seen. I did see Deicide, Jungle Rot, and Goatwhore in Las Vegas once, though. That was neat.

        • Dagon

          Sounds like a pleasant night with a very distinct fragrance in the crowd.

          • Waynecro

            The fragrance of cigarette smoke, buffet burps, and beer piss. I was singing along to Goatwhore with this really drunk old guy who claimed to the the drummer’s dad. I saw him again at a Goatwhore show in San Diego several weeks later, so maybe he was. Who knows?

          • Dagon

            I was thinking it would have more of that sock stench going on but maybe the dry Nevada air helped on that front?

          • Waynecro

            There probably was a bit of sock stench, but it was overpowered by all the other potent aromas. Las Vegas, baby! Woo!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Poo. A poo smell.

          • Dagon

            The noblest aroma.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Shut up you, and go & change your armor.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            Hey now, this is Joe’s blog. That should read “shut up you, and go & change your Under Armor.”

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            Well, Jungle Rot is from Kenosha, after all………………. Gah, the most ass backwards town I’ve ever been to. It’s a suburbanized version of Gummo.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Body odour?

  • EsusMoose

    Probably missed out on an adventure by declining the coke.

    • “I went to see Gwar and ended up dead”

      • EsusMoose

        “Adventure” ftfy

        • Spear

          I went to see Gwar and ended up adventure?

          • Vote for Jeb

            I went to see Gwar and ended up a murderer’s adventure.

          • God

            I went to see murder and ended up in a Gwar adventure.

          • EsusMoose

            No the entire statement becomes adventure. This is assuming he’d still be involved in whatever happened.

      • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

        RIP, Joe. The World Maggot claims another victim.

  • Vegas is my favorite spot to go to for 4 days of binge drinking, been there three times for bachelor parties and had a blast.

  • BEARD-SPLITTER

    Who in the hell politely turns down cercaine

    • Been there, done that, don’t want anymore.

      • KJM, Shake Zula

        “Surprise! It’s really Fentanyl! You’re gonna die! HAHAHAHA!”

        • BEARD-SPLITTER

          Mmmmm

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            If I knew in advance, I could prepare and not do so much.

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            Refer to above

    • Waynecro

      I don’t know, man. I generally assume that anyone trying to give me free drugs is up to no good.

      • KJM, Shake Zula

        It’s all about whether or not you know that person.

        • Waynecro

          That’s fair. Though, in my experience, even people I know who want to give me free drugs are up to no good.

          • In this case, this dude def wanted to bang me. Wasn’t feeling it.

          • Waynecro

            I think we’ve all learned something here today.

          • Hahaha, life lesson: if a strange man approaches you and buys you beers, then offers cocaine, he probably wants to bang you. It applies to both genders.

          • Waynecro

            Or he may want you to check out this really great church he belongs to, which is totally not a weird cult.

          • Dagon

            It’s okay, just take off all your clothes, our mass is about to start. What? No, it’s fine. Take them all off. Yes, no socks allowed.

          • Waynecro

            A naked cult with a ban on socks is not the cult for me. Esoteric rights simply demand black socks.

          • Dagon

            I know, but we banned it for safety reasons. Sunday service gets slippery, you know how it goes.

          • Waynecro

            Right. I forgot about the slippery factor common among sea-deity cults. What about socks with that grippy rubber shit on the bottom? Safety and style!

          • Vote for Jeb

            Surely some sensible slippers are a good middle-ground.

            I bought new slippers over the weekend.

          • Waynecro

            That’s a sensible purchase I can get behind. I got some new socks recently, and I’m quite pleased with my purchase.

          • Vote for Jeb

            I also purchased fancy business socks and a cardigan.

          • Waynecro

            You magnificent suave bastard!

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            Jeb’s night out as Mr. Rogers:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flplbdNvonA

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            It’s not Radikvlt enough for me.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            By “cocaine,” he meant “Jesus’ salvation”

          • Waynecro

            I think you just came up with a new street name for cocaine.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            We move a little closer to Johnny Mnemonic each day.

          • more beer

            No I think he meant some guy named Jesus was his connection.

          • more beer

            At least he didn`t GHB your beer.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            At least he didn’t try to go all Bill Cosby on you.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Don’t offer Joe cocaine if we want to bang him?

          • Waynecro

            OK, then. I think we’ve all learned at least one of many potential things here today.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            We? Is this a running a train sorta deal?

          • Based Potoo

            Who wouldn’t want to bang you?

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            Hey, coke guy, hands off, he’s my woman!

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hI9eVW4cTR8

          • Classic. I like to throw The Darkness on the stereo when friends are over because it’s so hilarious and over-the-top people dig it.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            Haha yep, especially their old live shows, when the singer would come out in that ridiculous unitard, riding a giant plastic lion.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Fortunately all my free drug experiences have been good, excellent even.

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            Mine are always implicitly excellent

          • Waynecro

            I still prefer drug-free experiences to free-drug experiences, but I’m boring and cranky.

          • Vote for Jeb

            No, you’re exciting and sexy.

          • Waynecro

            Said no one ever before just now.

          • Dagon

            You’re exciting and sexy

          • Waynecro

            Dagon, please.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            You’re an easy breezy beautiful Cover Girl.

          • Waynecro

            Well, I do have lusciously long lashes.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            Maybe you’re born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            If it’s weed and they’ll smoke with you, fair enough. Otherwise, fuck no.

        • BEARD-SPLITTER

          Apparently yall just arent . . .
          http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7nqcL0mjMjw

          • CyberneticOrganism

            No.

    • Based Potoo

      Me.

      • BEARD-SPLITTER

        I refuse to believe you do anything politely

        • Based Potoo

          I’m actually a pretty nice guy irl. Would not be towards you of course.

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            Who knows what kind of guy i am irl?

            I like to keep it that way

            (Hint: super alpha male dickhead)

    • KJM, Shake Zula

      Me, if it’s from someone I don’t know.

    • Dealt with enough fiending cocaine addicts in music, don’t want to become one

      • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

        I’ve gotten rid of so many friends because of their cocaine, crack, and heroin problems, and the inevitable drama it causes.

  • God

    I was gonna go to Vegas Halloween weekend. the wife got sick though and we cancelled last minute. saw family instead and then drove 5 hours up to Boise to see the in laws. turned out to be way more fun than Vegas would have been. and a 5 hour drive goes by fast when your with your best friend/spouse.

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    Who the hell turns down free cocaine in Las Vegas? I just don’t understand you kids these days.

    • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

      Ironically, Nevada has some of the toughest drug laws in the nation, so maybe that free coke (which might not even be coke) isn’t worth a decade or more in prison.

      • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

        It’s not, I was being facetious. Drugs are bad, especially drugs from strangers.

        • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

          George Carlin pre-show.

  • Those golden Mcdonalds arches aren’t looking so golden. Black arches of total fucking $1 double cheese burger of death!!!

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Vegas gave us the best modern Fallout game though

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      And Dave Suzuki

    • Truth fact!

      • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

        Howard Hughes pretty much built LV while he was going super batshit loony (tissue boxes on feet, weeks without showering, shitting on himself and watching Ice Station for days on end era). That should give you a clue on what Vegas is like.

    • Vegas gave us Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. All is forgiven.

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        And Churchburn.

        • And that first Killers album.

          Wait, what? I’ll, uh, I’ll see myself out.

          • No, no . . . I feel you on that one.

          • Dagon

            The cocaine man wanted to take you to a midnight show alright.

            I still really dig this song:
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4cmyrosiAA

          • Lacertilian

            Not you too! DOWNVOTED

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            My dad would not stop playing the fucking Killers when we went to the Festival of Speed. Bloody horrendous.

          • more beer

            I saw this show Saturday night.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            Eh, they had some decent cuts. Always thought of them as an overpolished version of The Strokes, though.

          • Lacertilian

            DOWNVOTED

      • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

        And Leaving Las Vegas, even though the book was less than flattering about the place.

        • Thompson’s book was also less than flattering. The problem is he makes it sound like such fun while shitting all over it. (Spoiler: it’s not that much fun.)

          • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

            Legal hookers = fun. Good enough reason for me to go!

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    I saw a disabled guy meet up with his friend (carer? I dunno) in town today. The other guy asked him what he’d bought and the disabled chap pulled out a Slayer album.

    m/

    • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

      Hopefully not the new one!

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        I’m fairly certain it was South of Heaven

        • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

          *wipes brow*

          As long as it wasn’t Repantless.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Repentless is a stupid enough title on its own that it doesn’t really need any modification.

  • Dagon

    I love and miss Vegas. Probably the one place in the States I was fortunate to visit the most besides NYC.

    One of these days I’ll be in the November Nine.

    • BEARD-SPLITTER

      Come take a visit to the Smokies, the missus and i would be glad to have you

      • Dagon

        I have tons of places to see and people to bother thanks to the Toilet. I’d really like to see your area one day. It looks great.

        • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

          You’re welcome here in Hampton Roads! It’s nice, especially if you’re a history buff.

      • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

        Been there and Pigeon Forge/Dollywood, and Nashville. Excellent spot for spelunking, and quite possibly the best breakfast food I’ve had in my entire life.

        • BEARD-SPLITTER

          All of those are a fairly far drive

  • Guppusmaximus

    “Las Vegas is a festering wound in the desert.”

    Proof of what happens when you let people’s vices run amuck.

    Did you know they have the largest underground homeless community due to the crushing effects of gambling?? They live in the sewers… *geesh*

    • Vote for Jeb

      That’s depressing.

    • BEARD-SPLITTER

      Yeah i watched that on tv. It looked fairly cozy . . . in terms of homelessness. He said they had a tv.

      Thats some first world homeless

      • Guppusmaximus

        Well, it’s really not a sewer but a drainage system and people have died of drowning.

        • BEARD-SPLITTER

          People die of drowning all the time, bro.

        • OldMetalHead

          Flash floods seem imaginary until you’ve seen/been in one.

          • Guppusmaximus

            No doubt…and I can only imagine the horror of getting caught up in one while living in the mega system that drains them.

          • OldMetalHead

            We lived in LV for 5 years when I was a teenager. We were driving on Industrial towards Tropicana and our station wagon got washed right off the road. Fortunately we were going fast enough that we didn’t end up in the wash.

    • I’d like to think that society would benefit from legalizing gambling, prostitution, and drugs. Maybe Vegas just does a shit ass job of it.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      C.H.U.D.: The Next Generation

    • Dagon

      You can’t really protect people from themselves, in the end.

      • KJM, Shake Zula

        I may be a leftist, but I have no desire to live in a nanny state that limits choice in the name of protecting people from themselves. That’s cutting a little too close to Theocracy for my taste.

    • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

      Same as Bogota, actually (plus people hire squads to kill off the homeless there).

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4koXeZvAfg

  • ME GORAK B.C.™

    GWAR ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! GORAK FAVORITE GWAR SHOW ME BEEN!!!!!!!!!!!

    https://youtu.be/dL9cev5IO2w

  • Boss the Ross

    Fair assessment of Vegas, i went for work a while back, way too many people. I enjoyed seeing the architecture and art and all the thought behind things, but holy shit, way too many people.

  • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

    Worst city on Earth? But that doesn’t look like Cleveland!

    • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

      Or Flint, or Detroit, or Kenosha, WI.

      • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

        Let’s generalize: the Midwest is collectively just a shithole.

        • Herr Schmitty

          3 posts and nobody has mentioned Fort Myers, Tallahassee, Jacksonville or Miami yet. Disappointed, bros.

        • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

          Yep! Outside of Chicago, it’s a half decent city here and there and miles and miles of nothing. And easily the most racist place I’ve ever lived.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Except for Allston/Brighton and Jamaica Plain, Boston is ridiculously segregated. That’s why us cool people live in Cambridge and Somerville. ^_^

          • more beer

            New York is no different.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            The only difference is size. NYC is Boston x 1000.

          • more beer

            Yep. I always love it when they try to call it the worlds biggest melting pot. Walk into the wrong neighborhood and see how that works out for you.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            I still can’t believe I was crazy enough to go see Boogie Down Productions in Dorchester circa 1992.

            However, no matter how big of a fan I was(still am), there was no way on Earth I was going to see Public Enemy at Chez Vous Roller Rink in Mattapan circa 1988. I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid.

          • more beer

            Crazy and stupid are two different things. I typically had no problems going anywhere in NYC. But there were some places I just wouldn`t go. Especially in Brooklyn.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            I would honestly feel more comfortable going almost anywhere in Brooklyn than I would in Mattapan unless I was with a local.

          • more beer

            All gentrification has done. Is make it easier for the predators to spot their prey there. My friends father owned a liquor store in East New York. All sales were made through a one foot thick bulletproof glass shield. People use to get shot outside of the place all the time.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            That’s why it’s always best to know local people who have lived in a particular neighborhood for a while. Fortunately I’ve been able to do that a couple times.

          • more beer

            I got to know people from all over the city going to shows so that always helped. I lived in the South Bronx for a year. I never got bothered by anyone except the cops. People just got used to seeing me and figured I was poor like them.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Puddingstone Park: It’s essentially where Roxbury, Dorchester, and Mattapan meet. If you don’t hear gunfire at least a few times a day, that’s a good day. No matter what your skin tone or gender, you don’t walk around there at night alone.

          • more beer

            Yep sounds like Brooklyn.

  • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

    How could you go to Vegas without a stop at the Heart Attack Grill?

    https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3647/3610921122_81b3b39783_b.jpg
    http://api.ning.com/files/kV4MbYiv7oT1tlhiih4XApfnOiFDgieTFQVq1qaQLf473F9lEtGGM0i7qoQnEX6cmlOawhOKtX5xcHGpFOp879zUwQL6jE6k/1082019965.jpeg
    https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2431/3614712520_50c7f33791_b.jpg

    Wouldn’t say Vegas is the worst, but then again they did give us Five Finger Death Punch, which definitely propels it into the top 3.

  • Abe Vigoda’s Oily Stool Sample

    BTW, do I get deduction points for not knowing how to play Blackjack, or any card games besides Crazy 8’s and Uno?

    Joe Thrashnkill is…………..

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj4nJ1YEAp4

    • KJM, Shake Zula

      I kinda sorta know how to play Blackjack and Texas Hold ’em, but I do not have the confidence to play for money, not even pennies. I would also never be caught alive or dead inside a casino unless I was there to see a concert, something I have yet to do.

      • more beer

        Casinos are like nursing homes for old bands. They go there to die. One thing I learned about casinos being in New Mexico. Is tweekers love them. they are always open. Plus everything is blinking and shiny.

    • KJM, Shake Zula

      Also, every time I end up playing Uno, it’s been so long since the last time that I need to have the whole freakin’ game explained to me again.

    • more beer

      If you can count to 21 you can play blackjack.

  • Óðinn

    Meat sandwich, meet sandwich.

    • Boss the Ross

      I said this at least 30 times after reading this article

      • Óðinn

        That was very polite of you, Boss the Ross.

        • Boss the Ross

          Thank you kind sir, and how courteous of you to point that out.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Nice story. This is all I’ve got to add

  • KJM, Shake Zula

    Aren’t there countries that have laws stating that casinos are for tourists only? Maybe having laws like that here would curb the negative local effects a bit.

    • more beer

      You try and tell that to the Native Americans. Who are making a killing off of casinos here. Yes the reservations are sovereign nations. But most of their money comes from the local population.

      • KJM, Shake Zula

        I’m cool with them having sovereign land, but casinos are fucking evil no matter where they are. There’s a Wynn casino being built on my cities border and I am not happy about it.

        • more beer

          I agree I always try to stay out of them. You may as well light you cash on fire. There was one I was in. They had people playing tic tac toe with a chicken. The chicken was kicking all of their asses taking their money. Imagine what that`s gotta do to your self esteem.

  • Eliza

    Thanks for writing about your experiences, so that I (or anyone else) won’t have to go through them.