I Am Trying to Offend You: Anal Cunt’s Top 10 Greatest Hits

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A look at the best musical moments of a deliberately terrible band.

I have no idea why I’m so drawn to Anal Cunt. Everything about the band, from inception through through 23 years of releases, was meant as a bad, offensive joke. For the uninitiated, Anal Cunt started as a project that would allow Seth Putnam to scream awful things over completely free-form noise. That joke lasted more than two decades, 8 full length albums and about a million splits and 7”s.

Seth Putnam, mastermind of the long-running transgressive noise/grind unit, is about the most polarizing non-convicted murderer you can find in extreme music. There are multiple interviews you can read in which he openly declared his love of hard drugs and his hatred for women, people of color, homosexuals, and just about everything under the sun. They once released a 7″ that featured the sound of Seth allegedly attacking a woman. He was involved in a white-power band called “Vaginal Jesus”. He might be most famous for a promotional photo featured him shooting up while receiving fellatio. Was it all an act? And even if it was, what kind of a psychopath would intentionally piss off everyone he possibly could? If he seems like a pretty despicable dude, Seth thought the same about himself. A suicide attempt in 2004 put him in a coma and left him paralyzed. After a slow recovery, he eventually died in 2011 at the age of 43.

I am personally opposed to the hateful messages Anal Cunt put out in the world, but I am deeply compelled by their existence. It’s so easy to focus on the horrifically racist, misogynistic, and otherwise horrible lyrics (and possible opinions) of Seth Putnam that you can forget that Anal Cunt actually made music. Sometimes. If they felt like it. Which was rare. Regardless, the band is infamous within the world of extreme music and for that reason their discography should be examined.

The band formed in 1988 but most of AxCx’s “best” tunes can be found on their later releases, when the band started to “mature” by adding elements of “music” to their releases. If you really want to dive in, you can listen to their first SIX YEARS worth of completely tuneless garbage. Aside from a few seconds of hilarious MC Hammer and Edgar Winters covers, it’s not worth it. I don’t have much else to say about their early material but if you listen to them on decent-quality headphones, you can really get the sensation that the band is violently shitting into your eardrums.

Without further ado, let’s explore Anal Cunt’s Top 10 Greatest Hits.


 

10. I Paid J Howell to Rape You

From their 5th Earache full-length, It Just Gets Worse, Boston news personality Jim Howell is the subject of this tune for reasons I am unable to discern. This song, like most AxCx songs, is not very good. It’s a fairly tuneless hardcore affair with occasional blasts, but it closes with a pretty slick breakdown. In a comment on Mark Prindle’s excellent review of Anal Cunt’s discography, Josh Martin, the band’s longest tenured guitarist, shared some behind-the-scenes info on the recording of It Just Gets Worse:

“This should’ve been our greatest album to date. But you’re right, it sounds like shit. This was our 5th album for Earache and thus our biggest advance to date. Instead of making an awesome studio recording that would’ve topped I Like It When You Die, Seth took the $5000 advance and spent most of it on cocaine with his first wife Alison. Nate and I were relegated to recording our tracks in Seth’s mom’s basement (our practice space at the time) and then Seth took the little bit that was left over and did his vocal trax in a real studio. The SONGS on that album were amazing. Seth just did everything he could to make them sound like shit. Live, those songs sound great and “Hitler Was A Sensitive Man”, and several others have been crowd pleasers and staples of our set ever since.”

 


 

9. You Live in a Houseboat

One listen and it’ll be tough to get the sing-song refrain of “YOU LI-IVE IN A HOUSEBOAT” out of your head. This song is beyond moronic but an excellent example of just how funny the band could be when they decided to play up an intentionally silly, rather than offensive angle. Notable lyrics: “Your house has a leak. You live in a houseboat.”


 

8. Song 8

From their debut LP on Earache, “Song 8” might be the most interesting piece of original music AxCx ever recorded. It begins with a melancholy melody and honest-to-god dynamics before settling into a sludgy groove. There isn’t even a blast beat on this song! What the fuck?


 

7. Radio Hit

From their debut album Morbid Florist, released on Relapse (and later re-recorded and released as Everyone Should Be Killed for Earache), “Radio Hit” is a straightforward metallic hardcore stomp with some of the most shred-worthy guitar tone the band would ever achieve. I can imagine “Radio Hit” as a song from The Bloodhound Gang‘s early discography. Just with a vomiting psychopath handling vocal duties.


 

6. HOWARD WULKAN (Wesley Willis Version)

The Howard Wulkan is Bald EP is one of the greatest drunk recordings of all time. One night Scott Hull, Seth Putnam, and Tim Morse got drunk as shit and decided to record an album about Howard Wulkan, an exec at Earache, friend of the band, and follicle challenged man. In seven and a half minutes the trio created paeans to their bro in the style of George Thorogood, Beethoven, and the Bee Gees. The entire EP is a joy but one track stands head and shoulders (ha!) above the rest. The band NAILS a song in the style of Chicago legend Wesley Willis. What happens when one obscure and highly prolific marginal artist covers another obscure, highly prolific marginal artist? MAGIC. Skip to 5:44 and suck a cheetah’s dick.

Seth recorded 4 tapes, one for himself, Scott, Tim, and Howard. Eventually, it was released on 7″ vinyl in a run of 53 copies. The reason for the low quantity? “It sucked so bad”.


 

5. Gloves of Metal

Phil Anselmo and Seth Putnam walk into a studio and decide to cover a Manowar song. What happens next will shock you! Papa Anselmo (who tapped Seth to provide background shrieks for a few tracks on gazillion-seller The Great Southern Trendkill) provides some tasty Southern sludge riffage on this cover of “Gloves of Metal” from Manowar’s 1983 full-length Into Glory Ride. For as goofy as Anal Cunt covers could be, this is an impressive and straight-faced cut that wouldn’t sound out of place on a Down record. At 4:29 this is damn near the longest song in the AxCx discography.


 

4. Crankin’ My Band’s Demo on a Box at the Beach

Anal Cunt again give us the answer to a question no one asked. This time it’s “I wonder what a cock rock album would sound like if it was fronted by a perpetually vomiting goblin”? It turns out that it sounds pretty fucking rad. Fuckin’ A sounds like Motley Crue played through shit-covered grind gear. The lyrical content here is no less horrible than previous albums, but here it makes sense juxtaposed with bands that glorified partying, shooting drugs, and abusing groupies. As unlikely as this album seems, the most surprising part of the whole endeavor was Seth’s admission that he was a big Buckcherry fan.


 

3. Guy Le Fluer

This could be one of the harder tunes on a Tony Hawk: Pro Skater soundtrack if it wasn’t for the (totally necessary) addition of nonsensical shrieking. I have no idea if “Guy Le Fluer” is meant to refer to Guy LaFluer, the first player in the NHL to score 50 goals and 100 points in six straight seasons. I reached out to Guy for comment on the honor of having an Anal Cunt song named after him but I have yet to hear back.


 

2. I Respect Your Feelings as a Woman and as a Friend

Picnic of Love is essential listening in the AxCx discography. The whole album consists of clumsily played acoustic guitars and Seth’s grating falsetto. It sounds terrible, so why listen to it? Picnic of Love takes Seth’s horrible, fucked up sense of humor and completely inverts it. “I Respect Your Feelings as a Woman and as a Friend” takes an over-the-top loving and sensitive lyrical position that acts as the extreme opposite of the charming hatespeech employed in standard offerings from other albums like “The Only Reason Men Talk to You is Because They Want to Get Laid, You Stupid Fucking Cunt”. This album more than anything else shows that Seth may have been a fucked up and awful person, but he had a fairly complex sense of humor about it.


 

1. You’re a Cop

I Like It When You Die, their third LP for Earache (and my favorite Anal Cunt album), has so many great moments. The production value here is superior to anything else the band ever recorded and the tracks within are among the best in their catalog. “Kyle from Incantation has a Mustache”, “Windchimes are Gay”, and of course “311 Sucks” are essential listening. In between all the blast beats and throat shredding, Seth and co. decided to focus for long enough to write a brilliant hardcore song. The result is “You’re a Cop” and it slams.

“You’re a Cop” has been a standard on my gym playlists for years. “You’re a fucking pig, you’re a fucking cop” is the kind of straightforward, ignorant punk sentiment I can really push some weight to. Unfortunately, Seth decided to add the tossed off shriek “You’re too slow to catch a nigger” and really throw a wet, racist blanket on a good time. Ultimately, this is the essence of Anal Cunt: occasionally a moment of levity or tunefulness will bring you up for a breath of fresh air before you’re immediately plunged back into the hateful abyss. I bet Seth would really hate that sentence.

 


 HONORABLE MENTION:

 

I can’t imagine two people more diametrically opposed than Seth Putnam and Morrissey. One man spent his career espousing love of drugs and hatred for everything else, the other his love of animals rights and hatred of anything that’s not Morrissey (OK, maybe they’re not that different). Somehow, AxCx got together to record a track by the King of Mope and it sounds surprisingly great. As a bonus, its existence probably pisses Morrissey off something fierce. I just wish the band would have got together to take on “Suedehead”.

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JK, THIS IS AxCx’s GREATEST MOMENT:


(Image VIA)

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  • The Toilet ov Hell | Kickin’ Your Ass and Fuckin’ Your Bitch

  • Tyree
    • I can go now, I have seen the Tyree’s gif response on this article. It’s all that I need.

      • Disgustache

        Make sure you leave a couple pesos on the night stand for cab fare.

        • I’M NOT MEXICAN!

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            #LeaveLinkAlone

          • Disgustache

            <3

    • CyberneticOrganism
      • Tyree

        I knew you’d get the movie reference!

        • CyberneticOrganism

          That line is forever burned into my memory.

          • Controversial opinion: Tremors 2 > Tremors

          • Stockhausen

            I got your back on this one.

          • Tyree

            It’s taken me most of the day to think about this, and I still can’t say.

    • I’ve watched the Tremors series more times than anyone should ever watch that series. I even liked the short-lived T.V. series.

  • Rho Stone

    Anal Cunt is the most quotable band ever.

  • Tyree

    I know I posted this yesterday, but this concert will forever be my favorite Youtube concert video of all time.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0R9sviIQcOw

    • I thought really hard about including this in the post. So good.

      • Tyree

        Too many AC gems to choice from. Understandable.

    • MoshOff

      Ditto. I die every time I get to the part where Seth claps his feet.

    • Seth Putnam

      Fucking A. That stage was really high. Don’t judge me. I was really high, too. Plus I’m not black so I can’t jump.

  • Anal zzzzzzz – 911 sucks.

    • Tyree

      Nice one.

  • Tyree

    Where the fuck is KJM? This is his time to shine.

    • He told he was going to smoke a pot, or something like that.

    • EsusMoose

      Better question is where is Seth Putnam (the disqus one)?

      • Dead.

        • EsusMoose

          Probably for the best, there is only so many times he could make the same joke and have the reference make it slightly humorous.

          • Seth Putnam

            You are gay.

          • and now he can legally marry! yay

          • Seth Putnam

            His husband rollerblades and has AIDS.

          • KJM

            “You Make Parody Accounts Based On Dead Grindcore Legends, You’re Full Blown Gay” – A.C. outtake transcribed from beyond the grave

          • Seth Putnam

            I died of drug induced heart attack and was in a coma from an acute drug overdose . I am gay.

          • Tyree

            You died because you were gay.

          • sweetooth0

            When they asked him what it was like in the coma when he came out of it, his reply was that it was gay, just like that song he had already wrote. Seth’s the man.

          • Tyree

            Fucking Beautiful.

          • EsusMoose

            There yea are!

    • KJM

      I’m here now.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    You finally put this together,ey!
    I must say this is a fantastic post. About as fantastic as Seth Putnam.

    • Dagon

      I’ve been waiting for this as well. Not sure if I want to form a band that sounds like Fuckin’ A or their cover of Gloves of Metal.

      It also reminded me about something Anselmo said on the Noisey documentary on NOLA Sludge. He said he sometimes wrote the riffs and that he had a talent for that, but he was never the greatest player. He would come up with a cool riff and when Dimebag played it became something great because of his ~mojo~.

    • This is definitely one for the highlight reel. I very much enjoyed it.

  • EsusMoose

    I really want to read this right now but as I’m in public and You Live in a Houseboat almost made me lose my shit, I cannot.

    • I work as an editor and I’m getting paid today for editing and listening Anal C*nt.

      • EsusMoose

        Sounds like a jolly time, if one can say listening to AC is jolly

  • MoshOff

    “Living Color Is My Favorite Black Metal Band” gets me every time.

    • “Your cousin is George Lynch” makes me giggle

      • Max

        “I Got a Job Specifically So I Could Sexually Harass Female Co-Workers.”

  • The W.

    This post was very entertaining, but I don’t think I’m ever going to listen to this band.

    • I don’t blame you at all. I listened to every single thing AxCx recorded (several times) for this post. What you’ve got above is the best there is (and it’s still not great).

      • EsusMoose

        Basically you spent 1 to 2 hours listening to it all

        • Ten trillion 4 second songs really add up.

          • EsusMoose

            You probably could have skipped half and still have heard every riff they wrote though you’d have missed out on all the other people Seth Putnam named

    • Tyree

      Ok Moral Orel.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        Im going to listen to these guys. Their song 311 sucks was awesome.

      • The W.

        We can’t all have standards, I guess.

    • Void Dweller

      Maybe try Power From Hell?

      • Tyree
      • The W.

        BORRRRRRRRRRRINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG

        • Void Dweller

          RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

          • The W.

            Let’s settle this like men. I challenge you to a duel at first light tomorrow.

          • Void Dweller

            Damn, that is a fine idea. Old school duel and shit.

          • The W.

            Sword or pistol?

          • Tyree
          • The W.

            I’m game.

          • Tyree
          • Void Dweller

            Pistol, like modern 19th century men would have it.

          • Alucard, Fuckmothering Vampire

            Challenge him to pistols at dawn, just try not to pull your dick out when challenging him (That actually happened to me, still scars me to this day).

          • Void Dweller

            It really is sad how often I do pull my dick out at the most inopportune times. So sad.

          • Alucard, Fuckmothering Vampire
          • The W.

            Also, I’m working on a Groundbreakers that should actually please you and Tyree for once.

    • no Picnic of Love?

      • Tyree

        Sorry, he’s not that kind of boy.

  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box™

    THIS ARTICLE IS REALLY FUCKING GAY. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

    • Dagon

      JUST GO AHEAD AND FUCKING MARRY IT THEN

      I can bake you guys a cake 🙂

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    I enjoyed their song Your Favorite Band Is Supertramp. It’s an accurate song title as they’re my favorite prog-pop band.

  • Void Dweller

    Fuck yes AC.

  • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

    If feel like I should preface these so I don’t get pursued by PC thugs, but here are some of mine:

    “Hungry Hungry Hippos”
    “Theme To Three’s Company”
    “Pottery’s Gay”
    “Van Full of Retards”
    “I Noticed That You’re Gay”
    “I’m Not That Kind of Boy”
    “I Lit Your Baby on Fire”
    “I Gave NAMBLA Pictures of Your Kid”

    EDIT: “Tom Arnold”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5eFk5x0o44

  • CyberneticOrganism

    *squeal*
    WRAAAHAGAHAHAHAGAAAAAHAHAHAH! AAAHAHAHAGHAGHAHAAGRARAAAA!
    WINDCHIMES ARE GAY!
    WINDCHIMES ARE GAY!
    WINDCHIMES ARE GAY!
    WINDCHIMES ARE GAY!

    (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

  • Stockhausen

    I prefer Impaled Northern Moonforest. However, I tend to avoid anything of his for the same reason I avoid NSBM bands. It’s definitely a different realm, but that’s just me.

    • KJM

      Recorded in my friend’s kitchen.

      • Stockhausen

        Oh dang that’s right! I forgot you had mentioned that at one point. I’d buy you a beer if we were hanging out.

  • I bought Everyone Should Be Killed thinking every song would be as good as Radio Hit. Boy was I disappointed.

  • Alucard, Fuckmothering Vampire

    Howard Is Bald is the greatest album of all time.
    Anyone who disagrees is ga…..
    You mother….
    Ahh….
    (Stabbing noises)
    Sorry guys, just had to wrestle control of my Disqus account from a Vampiric Reincarnation of Seth Putnam, apparently being a fuckmothering vampire makes me gay.
    Well, I just showed him 800 years of Vampire slaying skills, so I think I’m below petty insults based on differing aspects of the human brain.
    He is correct though, Howard Is Bald is the greatest piece of music ever written.

  • Seth Putnam
  • KJM

    I had a mustache for a very brief time during the late 80s. Seth was nice enough to inform me that mustaches are gay.

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      Damnit, I have a mustache that I shave often.

  • Tyree

    I used to have an awesome AC hat, but I lost it at a concert because I’m gay.

  • KJM

    Seth Putnam, the Tony Clifton of extreme Metal.

  • KJM

    I prefer his previous band Satan’s Warriors
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhCVzji8xEU

  • KJM
    • Tyree

      This was incredible.

      • KJM

        I remember when SW played The Channel in Boston(1988), fucking hilarious. During the song “Satan’s Got A Basket Of Goodies For You” Rick McIver from Post Mortem danced around onstage with a basket full of bagels that he started tossing into the audience. Good times.

        • more beer

          I saw Pete Steele throw White Castles around Lamour in 86. They said he couldn`t throw meat around anymore. So his logic was that there is no meat in a White Castle burger.

          • Beefhammer McPubies XIVIII

            I met Peter Steele and Dani Filth after I interviewed Moonspell back in the day. Pete didn’t look too good, but I’d have to say that both him and Dani were really nice guys.

          • more beer

            Everytime I ever spoke to him he was super nice.

  • KJM

    Seth also played guitar for Executioner briefly.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceQVcdn0SY8

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      Off topic but I have a question for you: Have you ever heard of this thing called the Bosstown Sound? Apparently Ultimate Spinach and Orpheus were involved with it.

      • KJM

        Yes, a late 60s fad that went nowhere.

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          I wish it would have gone somewhere. Orpheus, Ultimate Spinach and Beacon Street Union deserved more fame.

      • Beefhammer McPubies XIVIII

        At first, I thought of this:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9eSvoydv3w

        Curious if you’ve ever heard The Heavy.

  • Beefhammer McPubies XIVIII

    Anal Cunt = good, wholesome family friendly entertainment! Can’t forget their ode to Eric Clapton’s kid falling to his death.

    .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGo9aMoAcBM

  • sweetooth0

    YES!!!!!!!!!! Anal Cunt RULES!

  • Lacertilian

    Our cricket team is going on a houseboat fishing drinking weekend next weekend for winning the comp. Now I will be yelling “YOU LIVE ON A HOUSEBOAT” to everyone I see.

    • Tyree

      Theme song for the event. On repeat.

      • Lacertilian

        We’re going for 3 days, that’s a shitload of replays.

  • TheCheezFace

    311 Sucks was always my favorite.

  • Zachary Anne

    Reading you’re moralistic whining is just unbearable dude. Grow a fucking nutsack you pussy.

    • I appreciate that you created a Disqus account just to give me your invaluable feedback.