I Am Slam: An Evening with PARTY CANNON, PARASITIC EJACULATION, and EPICARDIECTOMY

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Your intrepid Editor-in-chief left the safe confines of his mother’s basement beautiful and elegant home to attend a slam free-for-all.

Slam, what you like is in the limo.
Slam, what you get is no tomorrow.
Slam, what you need you have to borrow.
Slam.
“Slam” – David Bowie

When I first heard word that Czech moronic-slam legends Epicardiectomy were touring the states with Party Cannon, auteurs of the often brilliant Partied in Half, I was thrilled. Finally, a chance to let my hair down and head bang to a billion interchangable death metal breakdowns in the otherwise stuffy and uptight burg of Austin. I couldn’t wait to round up all my friends and make a full night of it. Then a helpful soul in our excellent Facebook group pointed out that the show was on a Monday night. And that I had no friends. Regardless, I was determined to attend and have a killer time. How often does an American man get the opportunity to see a Scottish party slam band and the apex of Czech slam in one night? RARELY, probably!

I left work Monday night, went to the gym, got a haircut, warmed up some leftover chicken and broccoli, and called my grandmother to wish her a happy birthday. After hanging up the phone, I checked Facebook to see what time the show started. The first band, Houston’s Diminished, would take the stage at 8:30. It was 9:15 and Party Cannon were scheduled for 9:30. Damn.

I made it with minutes to spare. Traffic was clear and I was able to park right outside of The Red Eyed Fly, a venue I hadn’t visited since my days of performing there with my dipshit college band. We were not good. The Red Eyed Fly will (or at least used to) book anything. The inside was much cleaner than I recall. A goth bartender cheerfully grabbed me a beer and I made my way past the disdainful door girl and into the outside stage just in time to see Party Cannon setting up.

Fact: Concert photography with an iPhone doesn’t work.

Party Cannon released one of my favorite EPs of 2013 with Partied in Half, six tracks of self-aware slam that dared to be silly. Everything that made that record enjoyable was upped by 67% with their latest record Bong Hit Hospitalisation, a full LP of brutal death metal that manages to be fun, technical, and even memorable.

These nice young Scots didn’t disappoint with their live show. After a few technical hiccups, Party Cannon launched into a solid groove banging out the hits from Partied in Half and Bong Hit Hospitalisation. The instrumentation was flawless; the boys in Party Cannon can play really, really difficult shit really, really fast. While soundchecking and in between songs, various members betrayed their ear for pop by quickly riffing through Fleetwood Mac and Michael Jackson tunes. For their final song “We Prefer the Term Living Impaired”, Parasitic Ejaculation’s guitar player jumped to the stage and began windmilling. His iPhone launched across the venue approximately 1.2 seconds later. It was a pretty solid set.

While dicking around with my phone between sets I listened in rapt attention to some dirtbag’s tale of doing too much cocaine, listening to “Texas Flood”, and accidentally setting his car on fire. I missed that story’s undoubtedly thrilling conclusion as a friendly young man approached and asked me what I thought of Party Cannon’s set. He was a sailor on a brief leave in Texas and eager to see as many metal shows as possible. This enthusiastic metalhead had never heard of any of the bands playing but wanted to check it out anyway. This would be his first (and quite possibly last) experience with slam. We bonded by discussing how much ass Pantera kicks (all of the ass).

To be poseurifically honest, I had never listened to Parasitic Ejaculation before this night. That was a mistake. This group of young dudes from Santa Cruz tickled the sweet spot in my lizard brain that craves hardcore and death metal breakdowns. Within minutes of taking the stage, Parasitic Ejaculation’s vocalist took off his shirt to display his soft, white, gelatinous body. He proceeded to jiggle about the stage while bringing tha motherfucking slams. Despite repeated complaints about the heat and lack of crowd movement (there were a handful of very enthusiastic kids. I suppose they may have been talking about me and a couple other grumps hanging out cross-armed in the back but LOL I’m old so no), the band threw down a brilliant set of slam that made my synapses fire with violence and joy. The verdict? Imminently headbangable.

I went back to the inside bar and found Blueshammer had taken over the inside stage. I quickly returned outside where I was joined by my sailor friend and his sister. I tried my best to explain what they could expect from Epicardiectomy. They seemed incredulous when I described the drummer’s tom-less kit. And grill. And his self-chosen nickname THA BLASTING DON. “But are they any good?” HAHAHAHA.

Epicardiectomy took the stage but all was not well. This lineup had changed. It was the same tiny drummer in a flat-brim cap surrounded by cymbals, and the same shoeless guitar player. Some time in the last year, vocalist Tom was replaced with a guy named Andrew. He resembled Milan, the drummer. Both small framed, mosh-shorted, and making overt wiggerish arm movements. This lineup, a single guitar, a drummer, and a bree-ing vocalist would bring me crushing disappointment.

For a group as simple and repetitive as Epicardiectomy, it’s pretty dang essential that the individual pieces sound, I dunno, decent? We’re all familiar with scooped mid guitar tone (most famously utilized by Dimebag Darrell). For this show, guitarist Serge Gordeev decided(?) to ditch the mids AND the treble all together. It was an inaudible blur. The BLASTING DON did an admirable job of blasting away at his two 9-inch snare drums, but his bass drum sounded thin and weak. Combined with a total lack of 808 bass drops, the result was a clicky mess with a swarm of shitty guitar. The novelty of watching their vocalist pretend to be Method Man while vomiting cricket vocals soon lost its luster.

I looked down at my phone and the clock showed 12:15 AM. I had work in the morning so I weighed my options: leave and be functional at my rewarding job, or continue to watch Epicardiectomy and hope to hear the iconic words “Show me circle pit, show me, show me“. Casting aside the warm backwash of my beer, I waved goodbye to my new friends, and exited the venue accompanied by the steady tap-tap-tapping of a billion ping pong balls and the worst guitar tone a human has ever intentionally achieved.

Epicardiectomy Tour
(Image Via)

 

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  • CT-12

    So…you had fun? hahaha. Good review man, never would have listened to Parasitic Ejaculation otherwise.

    • It was fun! And Party Cannon and Parasitic Ejaculation were both rill good.

      • How were you dressed?

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          Completely in Lululemons.

        • Pagliacci is Kvlt

          In a swanky American Apparel TovH t-shirt.

          • I told my wife she was getting a new t-shirt in the mail. She was quite excited.

            GL

          • Ohhh, yeeeah!

            (⌐□_□)

        • Khaki shorts, an INFEST shirt, and a fresh new haircut. Y’know, formal wear.

          • No basketball shorts? Oh, come on!

          • Void Dweller

            Those were dirty.

          • EsusMoose

            Basketball shorts dirty? What the fuck is this concept

          • The Fish Boz

            What about the kicks though?

            Would you have me yelling WHAT ARE THOSE?

          • Air Max 90s (of course)

          • The Fish Boz

            You did good, son.

  • LEMME SEE SOME HAMMERS!

    OUIUOIUOIUOIUOIUOIUOIUOIUOIU

    https://somosvueltadetuerca.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/gargara_102.jpg

  • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
  • Pagliacci is Kvlt

    “…making overt wiggerish arm movements.”

    http://i.imgur.com/lNlnSEQ.gif

      • I wanna know where that hombre learned those moves.

        • Eh, I think it was in Florida 😛

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          The art of seduction comes natural to some.

      • Void Dweller

        That kid doesn’t look fully human.

        • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

          Good, I’m not the only one who thought that.

          • Void Dweller

            Looks like a fucking mutant primate.

          • Mother Shabubu 4

            if Drake and Nosferatu gangbanged Golem from Lord of the Rings without protection…

          • Void Dweller

            Fuck. My erection is out of control right now.

        • Mother Shabubu 4

          Very bat-like. Must kill with silver steak through heart.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            I want a steak.

          • The Fish Boz

            I wouldn’t recommend eatin’ a silver steak, though.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            good call: Ribeye?

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Milk steak. With boiled jellybeans.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            my second choice…

          • The Fish Boz

            He looks like a young batboy.

          • Void Dweller

            Yeah, I can see that now.

          • He looks like a young Renan Barao.

          • The Fish Boz

            Which is Portuguese for ugly as fuck.

        • I, Jack The Blumpkin King
    • Alucard, Fuckmothering Vampire

      Ahhh…. give that kid something to break, it sound ludicrous but it will make everything better.

  • Void Dweller

    God damn those vocals.

  • Good call on getting out early. It’s not like the sound was going to magically improve or anything.

  • Scrimm

    I can’t wait to see this tour now.

  • Stanley

    Are you trying to trick us, Joe? I just clicked on the PE link followed by the E link and they are the same “song”.

    • There’s, uh, not a lot of variety in the genre. That Party Cannon album is tight though! Fully recommended.

      • more beer

        I passed on this show the other night. Because Bar Bar doesn`t serve one even decent beer.

    • i do not care who you are, that is funny
      -Lenny the cable guy

  • Bozamole Jim

    Joe, you make me want to listen to slam. This was a great read. Also, standing in the back with your arms crossed is the only way to enjoy shows (sorry, no dancing for pumpkin baby).

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

      Standing in the back is a beer safety zone. If some one bumps into you in the back and spills your beer they deserve to die.

      • more beer

        You would think. I had a moron spill his beer down my back at the last show I was at. I only had one beer because I was driving. He made me smell like I drank 20. Talk about wanting to kill someone.

        • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

          Wow. That’s really shitty man. Sorry to hear.

          • more beer

            I was pissed to say the least.

        • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

          Thankfully you didn’t get pulled over. You still would’ve passed a breathalyzer test though.

          • more beer

            I would have passed that. But just the sheer aggravation of having to deal with the cops would have sucked. I hate having contact with them. the only redeeming thing was it was his beer and not mine.

          • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

            Should’ve poured nitro glycerin down his pants.

          • more beer

            I wanted to punch his teeth to the back of his skull. Just to make it perfect after that happened he just stood there with a stupid like on his face. Like he just spent he`s life savings on that beer.

      • The Fish Boz

        “Impaling The Beer Spiller”

        Track 5 of the new Scab album.

      • That happened to me at the show last week, some dickhead decided to push me even though I was standing at the very back of the pit, and he spilled half my fuckin beer.

      • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

        Especially with beer prices at most venues. I always just brought in my own booze whenever I’d drink at shows. Thank you, plastic pints!

  • MoshOff

    If one attends a slam show and one doesn’t leave thoroughly shitty-grinning from ear to ear, one is not fit for the ways of the slam.

  • Joe,

    Killer write up. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

    GL

    • The Fish Boz

      I concur

      DG

  • Mother Shabubu 4

    Tiny snare drums…like they were made for…TINY HANDS!

    Joe as a slam metal drummer confirmed.

  • Disgustache
    • Void Dweller

      Make it stop.

    • No ragrets.

      -Donald Trump

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
    • That ain’t a slam bro. He doesn’t have a disgusting beard with food in it or an extensive pornography collection.

      • Disgustache

        This is a slam bro from my neck of the woods. The type of kid that listens to Suicide Silence, Chelsea Grin, Whitechapel, Judge, Converge, and other great acts like A Day to Remember, the Wonder Years, and New Found Glory.

        This, gentlemen, is “Orange County Hardcore” today.

        • Disgustache

          I should clarify that this is what people think of when they think of Slam around here.

          • Maik Bozinton™

            It’s hard to see the difference between Deathcore and Slam, they both lack solos and use the same type of vocals.

          • MoshOff

            I saw Suicide Silence last week and kept thinking to myself “this is basically just slam with more melody and slightly more decipherable vocals”. I don’t get the hate.

          • Max

            I’m not an S.S fan, but the most upvotes I ever received for any Disqus post I have ever written (about 100, still occasionally gets upvoted to this day) was when I did a TLDR defence of Suicide Silence and deathcore generally. Apparently everybody secretly doesn’t get the hate.

          • I think SS are boring and their songs sound like random riffs thrown together but I went to a slam show on purpose so what the fuck do I know?

          • Max

            I think they’re neither boring nor interesting, which is a damn sight better than I can declare about, say, Attack Attack! Deathcore, by definition, is really just death metal that doesn’t fall into either the tech-, melo-, or brutal- subgenres.

            Epicardiectomy, however, are an entity of pure genius. It’s a shame your live experience didn’t live up to the legend. I probably would’ve left early too.

          • Where’s that comment, Max? I want to read it.

          • Max
          • Interesting point, never thought of it that way. I think the slam bands rely more heavily on pig sqeals and death metal riffs while deathcore leans more towards HC with DM elements.

          • Maik Bozinton™
          • Disgustache

            This is enlightening. You try showing this to anyone where I live and they’ll think it’s the same, then drive away in their Scion XB first edition to go get some new camo shorts.

          • Maik Bozinton™

            I really thought that Cerebral Bore was deathcore until I saw it’s tagging on last.fm.
            I think the difference is that deathcore is more melodic while slam is more technical and use drum fills before breakdowns (I think it can be called breakdowns).

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™
          • Maik Bozinton™

            It’s ok, it’s a Sargent D post.

          • Max

            Ah, well done Ed! I was just about to try and dig up that article. It’s definitive.

          • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

            I’m gonna go ahead and put this low hanging fruit in the basket.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ADgCeYJMN4

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          Goddamnit. Judge is hardcore and Converge is to but all those other bands are not. My sister loves them though.

          • Disgustache

            That’s what I mean. They lump it all together.

        • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

          You could’ve summed it all up by just saying ‘Orange County’. CA’s own tiny, compact, overly white version of FL’s most ridiculous areas.

          • Disgustache

            All I know about Florida is murders, drugs, and alligators.

          • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

            And meth and crack, and bath salts. old people. On the plus side, it’s the MILF capital of America, plus has the most Brazilians and Cubans. Cuban and Brazilian MILFs almost makes it worth visiting for me!

          • Disgustache

            Reality Kings is there.

          • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

            Oh yeah! Ummmmmmmmm, I mean, ummmm, whatever that is. *quickly hides anything MILFhunter related)

    • more beer

      This is why mirrors are important.

    • Maik Bozinton™

      That’s a deathcore kid.

    • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

      Justin Bieber’s attempts to look like a badass just get more and more ridiculous.

    • HessianHunter

      THREE SETS OF KNUCKLE TATTOOS

    • Guppusmaximus

      I guess billboards make great canvases

      Or

      Indicator that all of the art came from the tattoo parlor’s book

      Or

      Tattooing muscles won’t make those pipes grow

    • Alucard, Fuckmothering Vampire

      Wow, he makes my old self look like the most anti-tattoo guy around. And my old self went crazy with that shit.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Thanks Joe: it aint easy wading through the endless obscure black merol around here, finally some real freaking music!

      • Scrimm

        What was the merch like? All bball shorts, jerseys and snapbacks?

        • There were more t-shirt designs for sale than people in attendance. I didn’t see anything particularly eye-catching though.

          • Scrimm

            That’s how the Disentomb show was a few weeks ago. Merch tables took up half the venue. Lot of cool stuff though. Doesn’t matter tonight, I’m broke, only going cause free.

          • Lemme know what you think of the show!

          • Scrimm

            Of course.

        • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

          Don’t forget super-heavily starched baseball caps.

  • Disgustache

    This was a good write up. I don’t really enjoy the slamma jamma personally, but I do like reading and learning about new things.

  • DCLXVI

    flush

  • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

    Deeeeeeeeeeeeer, there’s no David Bowie song by that name, or any song with those lyrics.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8XTpCwicwE

    Kickass article, nonetheless, oh mighty leader!

  • DeadButtDreaming

    The Slam U State College Slam Bros Tour.

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

      State College? Oh boy.

  • I thought about going to that show but didn’t make it. Went and caught the last 20 minutes of False’s set at the Grand though. They are the real deal live.

    • I was also considering False but the sound at the Grand every time I’ve gone is brutal.

    • Stanley

      Ayy.

      • That guitarist on the right in particular kicks ass!

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Nice to see Lisa Kudrow in a band

  • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

    Gentleman, behold!

  • Waynecro

    “….went to the gym…warmed up some leftover chicken and broccoli”: Dem gainz, brah!

  • Alucard, Fuckmothering Vampire

    Well this sounded pleasant.

    Also, now that I remember….

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQKKj_qeOBQ

  • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

    Ooooooooooooo, in other news, TeamKaty Vs. TeamTayTay has become a reality!

    http://www.tmz.com/2015/07/22/katy-perry-taylor-swift-nicki-minaj-vma-twitter-feud/