HOT TAKE: Wolves Aren’t all That Badass tbh


It’s time to take a stand where lesser bloggers will not. It’s time to speak truth to power. It’s time to say what others cannot or will not say: Wolves aren’t even that siqqqq tbh.

Do you have any idea how many bands name themselves after wolves? In Metal Archives alone, there are more than 400 bands that use some variation of “Wolf” or “Wolves” or “Wulf” in their name. And that’s just Metal Archives. It doesn’t even include “Lycan”-variations or your crappy basement Wolf-themed grindcore band.

Why do so many metal bands choose the wolf to represent them? According to the guide to everything, “The obvious attribute of the wolf is its nature of a predator, and correspondingly it is strongly associated with danger and destruction, making it the symbol of the warrior on one hand, and that of the devil on the other.” In other words, the wolf is short-hand for “I’m a fucken badass, don’t u fuck with me.” Additionally, wolves are often known for traveling in tightly-knit packs, analogous to outcast humans finding like-minded partners. In short, the wolf is the ideal symbol of bands that don’t possess a shred of originality but still wanna act hard.


It is symptomatic of the dearth of creativity within metal that there are 399 Aryanwülfs playing paint-by-numbers edgy black metal for every fresh and exciting band like Lazer/Wülf. If any of these bands were capable of original thought, they would have stopped to consider the nature of the wolf before choosing it as their animal representative. Look at the facts:

Wolves can be trained as pets and work animals for humans, which puts a damper on the whole “No Gods No Masters” thing. Wolves are not truly apex predators because they are sometimes hunted by tigers. Wolves are social animals, thus putting a damper on your extremely edgy anti-social persona. Wolves are monogamous, which is extremely un-rock n’ roll. Finally, do you know what happens when a wolf follows the call of evolution? It comes into your home, where it promptly becomes a pug. Instead of a BAD ASS, the wolf becomes a good boy. A very good boy, yes he is.

I found ur shirt

Pugs generally do not perform in the circus either.

Do have any idea just how many different animals exist on this planet? I am not a biologist, but I will estimate the Earth holds at least a few hundred animals that are not wolves. One of these not-wolves is the alligator snapping turtle, and as far as I can tell, not a single metal band has named themselves after this majestic creature. For shame. Instead of the not-all-that-badass wolf, you should consider choosing the alligator snapping turtle for your next band.

The alligator snapping turtle is the heaviest fresh water turtle on Earth, for those rare metal bands that care about a thing like BEING HEAVY. They will eat literally anything they can, including other turtles. (Brutal!) The alligator snapping turtle attacks prey with EXTREMELY FAST and VICIOUS jaws. And because we all know image matters, the alligator snapping turtle looks metal as all fuck.

Alligator Snapping Turtle Dinosaur

Even the little ones will fuck your shit up

Even the little ones will fuck your shit up

How can a wolf compete with such a creature? In short, it cannot. Wolves want to play fetch and get scratches behind the ears. Alligator snapping turtles want to AMBUSH you and CHOMP YOUR DICK CLEAN OFF. In a sea of cookie-cutter wolf bands, consider stepping outside of the box and trying something new. Wolves aren’t even all that badass, tbh.

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