HOT TAKE: Wolves Aren’t all That Badass tbh

It’s time to take a stand where lesser bloggers will not. It’s time to speak truth to power. It’s time to say what others cannot or will not say: Wolves aren’t even that siqqqq tbh.

Do you have any idea how many bands name themselves after wolves? In Metal Archives alone, there are more than 400 bands that use some variation of “Wolf” or “Wolves” or “Wulf” in their name. And that’s just Metal Archives. It doesn’t even include “Lycan”-variations or your crappy basement Wolf-themed grindcore band.

Why do so many metal bands choose the wolf to represent them? According to the guide to everything, “The obvious attribute of the wolf is its nature of a predator, and correspondingly it is strongly associated with danger and destruction, making it the symbol of the warrior on one hand, and that of the devil on the other.” In other words, the wolf is short-hand for “I’m a fucken badass, don’t u fuck with me.” Additionally, wolves are often known for traveling in tightly-knit packs, analogous to outcast humans finding like-minded partners. In short, the wolf is the ideal symbol of bands that don’t possess a shred of originality but still wanna act hard.

NOT A BADASS

It is symptomatic of the dearth of creativity within metal that there are 399 Aryanwülfs playing paint-by-numbers edgy black metal for every fresh and exciting band like Lazer/Wülf. If any of these bands were capable of original thought, they would have stopped to consider the nature of the wolf before choosing it as their animal representative. Look at the facts:

Wolves can be trained as pets and work animals for humans, which puts a damper on the whole “No Gods No Masters” thing. Wolves are not truly apex predators because they are sometimes hunted by tigers. Wolves are social animals, thus putting a damper on your extremely edgy anti-social persona. Wolves are monogamous, which is extremely un-rock n’ roll. Finally, do you know what happens when a wolf follows the call of evolution? It comes into your home, where it promptly becomes a pug. Instead of a BAD ASS, the wolf becomes a good boy. A very good boy, yes he is.

I found ur shirt

Pugs generally do not perform in the circus either.

Do have any idea just how many different animals exist on this planet? I am not a biologist, but I will estimate the Earth holds at least a few hundred animals that are not wolves. One of these not-wolves is the alligator snapping turtle, and as far as I can tell, not a single metal band has named themselves after this majestic creature. For shame. Instead of the not-all-that-badass wolf, you should consider choosing the alligator snapping turtle for your next band.

The alligator snapping turtle is the heaviest fresh water turtle on Earth, for those rare metal bands that care about a thing like BEING HEAVY. They will eat literally anything they can, including other turtles. (Brutal!) The alligator snapping turtle attacks prey with EXTREMELY FAST and VICIOUS jaws. And because we all know image matters, the alligator snapping turtle looks metal as all fuck.

Alligator Snapping Turtle Dinosaur
GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *blast beats* *crushing riffs*

Even the little ones will fuck your shit up

Even the little ones will fuck your shit up

How can a wolf compete with such a creature? In short, it cannot. Wolves want to play fetch and get scratches behind the ears. Alligator snapping turtles want to AMBUSH you and CHOMP YOUR DICK CLEAN OFF. In a sea of cookie-cutter wolf bands, consider stepping outside of the box and trying something new. Wolves aren’t even all that badass, tbh.

Written by:

Published on: August 17, 2016

Filled Under: Metal, Opinion

Views: 2117

Tags: , , , , ,

  • Dubbbz

    Joe forgot a certain counterpoint. The wolfman from Altered Beast is totes a badass.

    http://i40.tinypic.com/34zk1mx.jpg

    • counter-counterpoint: that looks like some furry shit

      • Dubbbz

        You’re not wrong.

        • Those days were so innocent

          • Dubbbz

            I just want to be able to go back to playing Sonic without looking like some kind of pervert for doing so.

          • tigeraid

            I feel dirty when I use Bo in Breath of Fire now. 🙁

          • Dagon

            Sanic

      • Dagon

        Slowly but surely, his darkest secrets are unveiled.

        And they call me a hedonist, a pervert.

    • Dubbbz

      Counterpoint to my counterpoint, tho. Tokka was way more badass than Rahzar.

      http://66.media.tumblr.com/81c92206b766ae0e62ff368ba6ccdecd/tumblr_mkz2v2wdWt1qf8f39o1_1280.png

      • Lacertilian

        I forgot they had names!

      • I have these action figures still. I’m going to go find them now.

        • Dubbbz

          Report back with your findingz.

    • Counterpoint: Altered Beast was never a good game.

      • Dubbbz

        Counterpoint: Bite my bag.

        • Counterpoint: Polish my pole.

          • Nothing sexual.

        • Scrimm

          I still play it frequently

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I agree. The best Genesis game is Sonic 2. The best sports game for Genesis is NHL 94.

    • Dagon

      He Swolewolf

  • Maik Beninton™
  • A.P.

    I HAVE NEVER SEEN A TAKE SO HOT IN ALL MY DAYS.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    KK warslut owns 50 mystic wolf hoodies from his local edgy goth store.

  • Brock Samson

    Oh yeah, what about being trampled by turtles?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xjdkc14-zwQ

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt
  • Mother Shabubu is fucking dead

    Mantis shrimp is also more badass.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5FEj9U-CJM

  • I’m surprised there aren’t any bands named after Australia’s Drop Bears

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    sweet satan snapping turtles are metal. there’s a big feller who lives in the river at my parents house that’s been hanging a lot lately being all intimidating and shit to their dogs. and holy hellfire does it stink

  • Simon PhoenixKing Rising

    I wonder why there aren’t any bands named after Rhinoceros beetles? I always thought they looked badass

  • tigeraid

    GOD, I’ve been saying this for years! And what does a wolf need with an ax?!

    Besides, a moose will fuck yer shit up, trust me.

    http://www.blog.apnanotes.com/wp-content/uploads/1822_1moose02737d.jpg

    • A.P.

      Moose are among the most terrifying creatures I can think of, really. They are three time the size of your car and weigh about that much and will kill you completely arbitrarily; if you find yourself in their territory, pray to whatever god is the default in your region because they will attack without any provocation whatsoever.

      • Mother Shabubu is fucking dead

        They also can whip rocks at you, throwing them with their antlers. They are the hippos of the North.

        • Waynecro

          Another rock-whipping beast that’s pretty metal: Bigfoot.

          • Mother Shabubu is fucking dead

            By using hands he is a cheater.

          • Waynecro

            He’s just using the tools nature gave him, man. They also knock over big-ass trees; harass campers; shriek, howl, and scream in the dead of night; and give off a powerful foul odor.

      • Elegant Gazing Globe

        I came face to face(ok maybe 30 feet away) with a cow moose on a trail in the woods about 5 years ago, and it was almost as shocked to see me as I was to see it, we both ran swiftly in the other direction.

        • A.P.

          I think gender and season have something to do with the aggression since I understand it to be a hormonal thing, but I have some friends that live near the Canadian wilderness and one of them had their car totally destroyed out of nowhere by some massive asshole of a moose pretty randomly and hearing about it put that fear in me.

          • Dubbbz

            My brother is a state/wildlife trooper in Alaska. He does not mess with meese.

          • My brother IS a moose.
            And he could beat up your brother.

          • This reminds me of my my girlfriend’s brief addiction to the show Alaska State Troopers . . . Plenty of meese action between all the gunfights and home brew.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            Have a relative who lives way the fuck up at the tip of Maine who’s had lots of experience with vandal moose. They can be angry

          • tigeraid

            It does have a lot to do with environment, too. In Newfoundland they’re so brutal they’re almost a national emergency on a yearly basis. In Northern Ontario the encounters are SOMEWHAT less common.

      • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

        I grew up with moose all around me. I had to drive about 60 miles each way to work for two years, and nothing makes your balls retract and rocket up into your stomache like come across a bull moose crossing the highway in front of you when you’re coming around a corner at 60 miles an hour at 6 in the morning.

        • tigeraid

          I too, grew up in Northern Ontario, and had several close encounters. One time in a blizzard in which I passed close enough to the fucker crossing the road that I stared at its anus.

          They do not give even a smidge of a fuck about humans.

  • Dubbbz
  • This hot take is 🔥🔥🔥

  • Waynecro

    This is a very interesting article, and I think I like wolves now more than I did before. I share some traits with wolves, apparently. For one, I work for humans even though I’d rather just maim them and go back to doing my own thing. Also, I’m big on monogamy. And much like wolves sometimes get hunted by tigers, I have been hunted by a cougar (this old toothless lady at a metal show). I do agree that alligator snapping turtles are metal as fuck, though. They’re like dinosaurs that didn’t go extinct because they just don’t give a fuck.

    • Dagon

      You need to elaborate on the toothless hook up. Maybe this Friday?

      • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

        FISHGOD NEEDS 2 KNOW THE JUICY DEETS

      • Waynecro

        The venue I go to pretty frequently has no door for the men’s bathroom, which is basically a broom closet with a single urinal and a trashcan. One time, I caught this older, heavy-set toothless gal trying to watch me use the urinal. It was pretty creepy, and she was probably checking out every guy who used the bathroom; however, I still take it as a compliment.

        • Dagon

          Creepy peepers.

        • Damage_Inc89

          Man, so many great stories today. Great stuff hahaha!

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Need more stories to deposit into the bank bank do you?

    • Howard Dean

      Cougar Hunts can be >>>>>>>
      But teeth are a prerequisite. She needs a grill, for rill.

      • Dagon

        All gums no teeth

        • Howard Dean

          …’til she smiles at you with her meth mouth. [immediate softness]

          • tigeraid

            pushin’ rope, as it were.

          • Dagon

            im down tbh

          • Vault Dweller

            Going to take more than that to scare a fish god

          • Dagon

            I’ve seen some shit

          • Vault Dweller

            Both literally and metaphorically.

            Sometimes both at the exact same time.

          • Howard Dean

            Dagon be all about dat gummer.

          • Dagon

            Look out for my next triple platinum single “She Gud Wit DaT Gum”

      • Dubbbz

        There’s a notorious cougar bar here in town. The first time I visited, some older gal at the lady behind me started rubbing my head and told me she couldn’t help it because I have a beautiful bald head. The second time I visited, the cougars stayed away (I was with my would-be-wife that time), but some dude did whip his junk out while standing on a nearby table.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Some middle aged woman checked me out once when I wasn’t looking. I didn’t even know she was checking me out.

        • if i use this logic, i’ve been checked out by, like, infinity women

          • Howard Dean

            If I use this logic, I’m apparently the Wilt Chamberlain of MILFS.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Women don’t usually check me out.

          • K

    • I have never been attacked by a cougar, but once at a party, a woman with a known reputation as a man raper tried to get with me. I was half asleep on a couch and she tried to get her freak on and I knew who it was so I played dead. She was nick named “Leatherface” and not even two 40 oz of Old English malt liquor could impair my judgement enough to tackle that.

      • Waynecro

        That’s some harrowing shit right there, bro.

        • Also had the frame of a linebacker.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        I would just leave my body

  • Maik Beninton™
    • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

      I feel like bands like Watain and D666 would be better represented by using raccoons as their kindred spirit animals instead.

  • BattleBornNDN

    Too edgy for wolves? K.

  • Also hey for real what the fuck is happening in that last gif?

  • Owlswald
    • Dubbbz
      • Howard Dean

        Wow.

        • Dubbbz

          HD, this dude has dozens, maybe even hundreds of terrible albums on youtube.

          • Howard Dean

            Haha, for real? I need to check him out. This is some life-changing stuff. So strange!

          • Dubbbz
          • Howard Dean

            Apparently Viper is smoking a bit too much crack. Dude’s prolific as fuck!

          • Dagon

            Don’t miss out on his aesthetics .

            All the covers are carefully crafted.

          • Hundreds this year alone

          • Dubbbz

            I just looked at RYM. At least 110 mixtapes.

  • Why not hippos? A hippo can run fast and fuck your shit up.

    • Dagon

      Hippos are the number one animal in terms of human kills.

      • Damn you Pablo Escobar! Damn you and your hippo scourge!

        • Dagon

          Ban all hippos

      • I thought that was cape buffalo?

        • Dagon

          I’ve read hippos on multiple occasions but a quick Wikipedia search told me there’s no reliable evidence supporting that claim.

          Those damn Cracked articles…

  • Elegant Gazing Globe
  • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

    “In short, the wolf is the ideal symbol of bands that don’t possess a shred of originality but still wanna act hard.”

    /DISCUSSION OVER

    Take your shitty blackened thrash band and walk on, homeboy.

  • JWEG

    The common housecat is a far more Metal animal. And I mean that in all seriousness.

    Especially half-siamese females during early-adulthood. You’ll never ever meet an animal more prone to schizophrenic psychopathy.

  • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

    The only cool wolves ride motorcycles.

    https://youtu.be/mEvR838Ua6Y

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      This is pretty rad. Sadly, the film Werewolves on Wheels is not so much.

    • Fuck yes!

  • Wolves are posers they have to hunt in packs.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    I’d like to seem more vampire bats in metal

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I like wolves ’cause they’re furry. Mantis shrimp is the most badass animal though.

    • Dubbbz

      You like furry animals?

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Furry things are good things for cuddling.

        • JWEG

          “…ladies.”

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    Metal needs more financial panthers to combat everyone that keeps the righteous warriors from being profitable

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      like Justis Mustaine?

      • The Tetrachord of Archytas

        I’m sure being himself is punishment enough

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      GET HIM SHEEBA

  • Scrimm
  • Guppusmaximus

    I’d say the Horned Toad is Metal as fuck. An inflated body doesn’t scare you off? How ’bout blood squirting from the eyes?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgB4u6Mgy2M

  • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

    We need more bands named after the Amazonian Giant Centipede. They do not give a fuck and will eat anything.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Only wolves of the steppes are cool. I could care less about other wolves

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    There are some turtle-bands out there if you look hard enough. This one called Old Turtle sux pretty bad.

    http://oldturtle.bandcamp.com/album/a-nightmare-on-the-wind

  • Abradolf Lincler

    im going to finally speak out on a hot take: u wrong

    lolwut

    • Abradolf Lincler

      if it makes you feel any worse, heres my new back yard (rfi)

      • let me just turn my monitor 90 degs…

        • Guacamole Jim

          Tried that – it just makes it upside-down. No good.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            storm rolled thru

      • You’re wrong about wolves and bad at uploading images. The defense rests.

        • Abradolf Lincler

          are you sure you just dont see the world correctly?

      • more beer

        You’re new backyard is sideways. I approve!

  • megachiles

    As a biologist, I can confirm that there are >100 species that are not wolves, including:

    -Alligator Snapping Turtles
    -2 Toed Sloths
    -3 Toed Sloths
    -Bee Wolves
    -Peacock Spiders
    -Capybaras
    -Manatees
    -Pink Fairy Armadillos
    -Bush Babies

    I’m pretty sure everything else is beetles. Beetles are metal tho.

    • Lacertilian

      My biggest takeaway from bio & ecology is that Coleoptera spp. have been bangin’ a lot for a long time.

      • megachiles

        Coleopteran talents: bangin’, eatin’, and fillin’ niches.

        • Lacertilian

          Something we can all aspire to really!