HOT TAKE: Chiller is a More Metal Font than Old English

Welcome to new English, punk asses.

It seems like we can’t even go one week without a heavy metal release that brandishes Old English font somewhere on itself. Hell, the number of bands that use it for their logos is absolutely insane. Nails, Forn, Xibalba, Burzum, Hellhammer, Bathory… It’s almost like all of these bands don’t even realize that there are way cooler and infinitely more metal fonts. Wingdings! What’s more metal than an illegible logo, after all? We aren’t here to talk about Wingdings, though. We’re all about the practicality of having a logo that is both metal and legible, so what better font to use than Chiller!?

Yes, Chiller. Old English has been done to literal death. I want my metal music and logos to astound and terrify my parents, not a font that resembles how they penned everything with their feathers and ink a thousand years ago in high school. Let’s take a look at just how much cooler some album covers are with Chiller over Old English, starting with one of this year’s most acclaimed albums:

Nails Chiller

Do you see how much more awesome that is? Todd Jones is getting Nails back together just so he can break them up and cancel your tickets again for not thinking of it. It isn’t just Nails that can be easily improved by dumping their Old English for Chiller. How about black metal legends Bathory? Surely nothing could make Bathory seem more eerie and evi-


HOLY SHIT, MORE LIKE IN CONSPIRACY WITH TOTAL KICKASSNESS, RIGHT? Can you even imagine how much more awesome Bathory would have been with a simple font change? They probably would have stopped pretending they were vikings and realized they were just some normal dudes, but they would have been normal dudes with a totally righteous font. You know, if this font has the power to alter history like I just arbitrarily decided it does, I wonder what would happen if we used it for Burzum’s first album?


Whoa. Now THAT is an eerie looking album cover. Is it possible that the discovery of this font could have prevented Varg from murdering Euronymous and burning those churches? Would he have avoided going to prison and be a better person today if it were for Chiller font? Haha no, that guy is an asshole, but his albums would look much more dope with Chiller.

I’m not sure why Chiller has gone unnoticed by the metal world at large when it is so clearly above every other typeface in existence (apologies to Future Xblk BT). Perhaps someday word will get out and people will realize the error of their ways, that people don’t use Old English anymore. It’s old! It’s right there in the name! Metal bands, it is time to live in the NOW, and the NOW is Chiller.

Written by:

Published on: August 19, 2016

Filled Under: Metal, Opinion

Views: 1245

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  • Dubbbz

    That dude in the cover is hangin’ dong,

    • Joaquin Stick

      His dong-to-thigh ratio is pretty astounding. Never skip leg day.

      • Dubbbz

        You cannot ignore his girth.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Whoa, we get it doc, you like penis! Take a cold shower or something, bro.

        • BobLoblaw

          Girth Brooks.

          • Howard Dean
          • I was reading up on Batman Returns this week. Apparently Tim Burton was reluctant to cast Walken because he was terrified of him.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Hahaha. Good. Tim Burton sucks.

          • I always though he was a member of The Cure for the longest time. True story.

          • ¡Jajajajajajajaja! Me too, bro!!!

          • Faux goth makes movies for the masses and is terrified of other people. A True goth invite cool persons to a bottle of red wine and a Lord Byron spoken word segment.

          • Howard Dean

            Christopher Walken is either a normal dude (and is therefore the greatest actor in history) or he is legitimately crazy (and kind of terrifying). Dude was implicated in a murder at one point, too. So he probably at least has the stomach to kill.

          • Haha! I’d like to imagine he is like he is in this scene all of the time.


          • Howard Dean
          • Haha, Kevin Pollak does a great one too.

          • Howard Dean

            “FRANKENstein never scared me… marsupials do. ‘Cause they’re FAST!”

          • That’s the one!!!

          • Howard Dean

            Haha, yeah, that one is fucking hilarious.

            “Trick or Treat?! GOOD question… which one of you KIDS… can guess what I’ve BURIED… under my HOUSE?! Wait, come back! I’ve got Reece’s Pieces and Winston Lights for ya!”

          • BobLoblaw

            Girthworm Jim.

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        Never skip dong day.

        • Guacamole Jim

          I’m getting this tattooed on my dong.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      The Hellhammer cover? Big old necro cock!

  • When all else fails… Use Old English. It’s truly the best font.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      It gets the job done.

        • RustyShackleford

          My buddies and I went to get some Olde E 40s the other day (FOR OLD TIMES SAKE ALRIGHT?!?!) and all of a sudden they’re only plastic bottles?!? If I can’t smash it when I’m done the goddamn thing is USELESS I TELL YA! I am now a Colt 45 man

          • A.P.

            Mickey’s switched over to plastic, too. I never thought anything could get more disgusting than a Mickey’s 40 in glass, but they managed to make something impossibly more revolting by putting them in these new bottles with wider mouths made of plastic. Un-fucking-real.

          • RustyShackleford

            Totally undrinkable!

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            same for me when they switched from the wide mouth to the wimpy small one

          • Ayreonaut

            There is always hurricane

          • I think I’d rather die

          • A.P.

            If we’re going that route, I’m doing Steel Reserve like all the rest of the homeless in my area. They know what they’re doing at this point in the game.

          • Ayreonaut

            The other day I saw a fruit punch flavored steel reserve that I’m pretty sure was over 10%.a new low has been reached

          • A.P.

            I had a couple of 4 Loko Golds at 14% recently when I was broke. Possibly the worst shit I’ve ever tasted, but hot damn did it work. If we’re talking about lows, I’m pretty sure that was really it.

          • Ayreonaut

            My deepest apologies. I can’t fathom how bad the hangover was after a few of those.

          • A.P.

            I did this only once so I remember: I actually went and spent “food money” on more (and better) alcohol to make it go away.

          • I remember my buddy laying out in the yard in a black sweat shirt/black trailer pants, 90 degree weather trying to “sweat out” his 4 loko hang over. He nearly did not make it.

          • I drank a 4 Loko once, that was the end of that. I’ve never felt like such shit in my life after that.

          • Times is hard for malt liquor. Gotta switch to plastic because it’s cheaper.

        • Ayreonaut


        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Sad dad makes memes because he’s sad.

          • U r just jealous my memes are just as hot as my riffs, bro.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Bro, do you even meme?

        • Waynecro

          When I was in college, we had to come up with creative ways to promote ourselves to potential employers. I created a version of my resume that looked like an Olde English label and, of course, attached it to a bottle of Olde English. “Wayne Cro Gets the Job Done” was the headline.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Nah, only Old English is real. The number of times I’ve seen some fashionable clothing item with that font and thought ‘ooh bathory’ is unfair.

  • A.P.

    I have to hand it to you this time: this is premium, USDA certified, free-trade and 100% organic, blog-worthy shitposting.

    • Poser spotted.

      • A.P.

        Hey, that’s a compliment in my realm, buddy!
        Edit: Both “shit-posting” and “poser,” for the record.

  • Howard Dean

    That… is a gross font, Mr. Bearikson. And not in a good way.

    • Leif Bearikson

      COUNTER POINT: It is both trill and spooky

  • Chiller?! Old English?! Papyrus?! Monotype Cursiva?!


  • Eliza

    I like Old English better. I used to write birthday party invitations with Chiller.

    • Good Eliza, always ahead of the current times.

      • Eliza

        I thought it was cute, lol!

  • RustyShackleford

    The Burzum ones makes it look more like a Korn album…but I am all for HOT TAKES and the rustling of the jimmies and therefore I must concur with this post. #MakeMetalFontsGreatAgain #Yep

  • Ayreonaut

    That font on an album reminds me of late 90s early 2000s nu metal/alt rock for some reason.

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      Because it’s absolutely awful in every way?

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      like this one?

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    This is a false take. Old English font>>>>>>>>>>

  • Times New Roman is where it’s at.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      That font is the Revocation of fonts as its so bland you cant help but forget it.

      • BobLoblaw

        Downvoted with gusto.

      • It’s the most legible font out there, making it the best by default.

      • I appreciate your conviction with that statement

  • Abradolf Lincler

    these hot takes just keep getting more hot and more wrong

  • Guacamole Jim

    I unironically dig that Bathory cover with the new font.

  • VVizardface Kelly


  • You know the old saying, Out with the old…in with the Nucleus. m/

  • Maik Beninton™

    This looks so basement-like.

  • Waynecro

    I take the anything-but-goddamned-papyrus stance.

  • Count_Breznak
  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Only daubing logos in blood and faeces is real.

  • Max

    I was watching a documentary about cocaine last night. In the early 20th century it was sold legally as a headache relief. There was historical footage of a packet of cocaine that you would buy from the drug store, and the “Cocaine” logo on the front of it was in exactly the same font as Coca-Cola, with the big rolling C and everything. Hilarious.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      She don’t lie

  • CT-12

    This one always makes me laugh (Godsmack wants their title font back).