HOT TAKE: Chiller is a More Metal Font than Old English

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Welcome to new English, punk asses.

It seems like we can’t even go one week without a heavy metal release that brandishes Old English font somewhere on itself. Hell, the number of bands that use it for their logos is absolutely insane. Nails, Forn, Xibalba, Burzum, Hellhammer, Bathory… It’s almost like all of these bands don’t even realize that there are way cooler and infinitely more metal fonts. Wingdings! What’s more metal than an illegible logo, after all? We aren’t here to talk about Wingdings, though. We’re all about the practicality of having a logo that is both metal and legible, so what better font to use than Chiller!?

Yes, Chiller. Old English has been done to literal death. I want my metal music and logos to astound and terrify my parents, not a font that resembles how they penned everything with their feathers and ink a thousand years ago in high school. Let’s take a look at just how much cooler some album covers are with Chiller over Old English, starting with one of this year’s most acclaimed albums:

Nails Chiller

Do you see how much more awesome that is? Todd Jones is getting Nails back together just so he can break them up and cancel your tickets again for not thinking of it. It isn’t just Nails that can be easily improved by dumping their Old English for Chiller. How about black metal legends Bathory? Surely nothing could make Bathory seem more eerie and evi-

bathory-lp

HOLY SHIT, MORE LIKE IN CONSPIRACY WITH TOTAL KICKASSNESS, RIGHT? Can you even imagine how much more awesome Bathory would have been with a simple font change? They probably would have stopped pretending they were vikings and realized they were just some normal dudes, but they would have been normal dudes with a totally righteous font. You know, if this font has the power to alter history like I just arbitrarily decided it does, I wonder what would happen if we used it for Burzum’s first album?

Burzum_-_Burzum

Whoa. Now THAT is an eerie looking album cover. Is it possible that the discovery of this font could have prevented Varg from murdering Euronymous and burning those churches? Would he have avoided going to prison and be a better person today if it were for Chiller font? Haha no, that guy is an asshole, but his albums would look much more dope with Chiller.

I’m not sure why Chiller has gone unnoticed by the metal world at large when it is so clearly above every other typeface in existence (apologies to Future Xblk BT). Perhaps someday word will get out and people will realize the error of their ways, that people don’t use Old English anymore. It’s old! It’s right there in the name! Metal bands, it is time to live in the NOW, and the NOW is Chiller.

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