HOT TAKE: Black Album Haters Are “Nice Guys.”

2128
164
Share:

We get it. Back in middle school, she was always around. She was always kind of pretty, but what you liked most about Metallica then was that she was an outsider like you. Too plain to hang out with the glam girls and too heavy to hang out with the lithe punks, she had an otherness that you found really special. Perhaps more importantly, though, is the fact that she seemed to enjoy being around you. Although she never made any advances, surely she could tell you were interested, right? If you just hung in there by her side, surely she’d reciprocate when she got back from her tour of Justice. Then high school happened, and your old female friend changed. Forever.

When Metallica came back from that eternal summer break, she looked different. Real different. She was thinner, leaner, more polished and put together. Her voice had a surprising command to it, and that anarchist sneer you found so hot had been replaced by a pouty, hungry smirk that seemed to make all the jocks take notice.

This wasn’t your Metallica. This was something else. Something sexy.

On the first day of school, you walked up to her with your usual slump and awkward gait and tried to crack a dumb joke to get her attention. Metallica looked up and smiled at you, and in that grin was the awkward, gangly girl you so deeply desired. But then tragedy struck as you heard the voice of Chad, that bastard with his chiseled pecs and glittering letter jacket, calling out to Metallica behind you.

hmprod

What the hell did Chad want? Didn’t Metallica know he was just one of those douchebags who would be an asshole to her? Didn’t she know Chad wasn’t nice like you?

To your horror, though, Metallica walked right past you and followed Chad down the hall. Was it his money? Was it his Brad Pitt-like good lucks? How could she ignore you for that douchebag? He just had daddy’s money and had good genes from his mom! It’s not your fault your skin was an unhealthy pallor from lack of sunlight and greasy from a heavily-pizza-infused diet?  How could she ignore you for Chad? It’s not like he could recite every edition of the Dungeons and Dragons manual from memory!

Rather than wondering what might make you happy or accepting that some people change, you knew then and there in your heart that Metallica had SOLD OUT! That slut! That skank! If she was going to whore herself out to the Chads of the world and ignore your constant, undivided advances, then she deserved the trolling storm you were about to unleash on the internet. Perhaps you could break her down enough that she would come crawling back to you, desperate for your niceness.

balbumsucks

So you went online and you told all your gamer buddies that Metallica was ugly, that she didn’t sound the same, that she was a whore for money. You called her a sellout, said she should have never cut her hair. You criticized her new friends as brainless popular kids who only liked her for her looks. Not like you. You were nice to her when she wasn’t popular. You deserved her love, dammit.

And yet, Metallica seemed unfazed. Her popularity just continued to soar, and everyone in the world was talking about how cool she was. And though you wouldn’t admit it to your gaming club, you had to admit it. She was so hot right now.

But this wasn’t your Metallica, and you could never forgive her for betraying your kindness. So, as you both grew older, you drifted even further apart. Metallica went on to become a world-wide star, one who live on as a legend, the most important person of her generation. You, on the other hand, just got fatter and paler as you lurked in your mom’s basement, writing racist screeds on black metal forums and calling old men cucks at the gas station.

And yet, sometimes, in the dead of night in a rare moment of cognizance, you look around, press play on “Enter Sandman,” and crank your hog until you fall asleep. If you can’t have Metallica now, at least you can have this.

At least you can have this.

(Photos VIA, VIA)

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • Mother Shabubu

    Black Album was basically what Metallica had been always doing to that point, only now the fat was trimmed, and there was more focus song structure, and it was more streamlined and simpler. It’s like Metallica’s purest essence. For some people it didn’t have enough grit and was too polished.

    TL;DR: Your lifestyle determines your deathstyle, Chad.

    PS: Who wants to bet Deafheaven’s next album will be their “Black Album”?

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      I think the word you wanted to use, but missed, is “refined.”

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I’d like to see Deafheaven’s next album be their Black Album. I’d like to see the stangry manchildren say that it’s a betrayal of what they stand for when in reality it’s just because they’re jealous of what they achieved.

      • Elegant Gazing Globe

        all of their albums are black albums

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          What I mean is I want it to bring them success in the metal world. That would enrage Internet Metal Nerds so much.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        • Howard Dean

          Person circa 1999: “Bill Cosby. Now there’s a man who’s never done a bad thing in his life. One helluva model American!”

          • Average Breitbart reader circa 2016: “Bill Cosby didn’t do anything wrong. Those women are just trying to get his money.”

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            More like Breitfart!

          • Sheitfart

          • Waynecro

            I’m a life-long Cosby Show fan, so learning about Bill Cosby’s crimes broke my fucking heart. Of course, I still walk around mumbling, “My legs, Claire, my legs!” on leg day.

          • Dubbbz

            Man, I saw that from older folks on Facebook as recent as what, 3, 4 four years ago.

    • I say this all the time about Defheafen, desparately needs Poison The Well type vocal melodies to balance out the witch riding a broomstick backwards vocals.

    • DeeSnarl

      In this case, simpler is a bad thing. Simplicity is not we wanted from Metallica; au contraire, we (trve metalheads) were quite pleased with AJFA’s proggy complexity. Moving in a more Bon Joviesque direction obviously paid off for them commercially (so much so that now, apparently, even trve undergound metal fans sing its praises), but that doesn’t change the fact that it was a dumbing down, not to mention selling out.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        There was nothing Bon Jovi about the black album

        • DeeSnarl

          On the Bon Jovi—er, Napalm Death axis, it was a step Samboraside.

      • Mother Shabubu

        AJFA is my favorite, but I love the Black Album, too.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Vast majority of the haters weren’t even born when this came out

    • Eliza

      If not for the Black Album’s success, most of them wouldn’t have had heard of Metallica.

      • Guacamole Jim

        Black Album was the only Metallica I knew for ages. It was because of that album I got interested in their back catalogue.

        • Dubbbz

          That’s cuz you’re a cuck like Chad.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Note to self – don’t look up cuck gifs. I don’t know what I thought was going to happen, but I certainly didn’t find the witty gif response I was hoping for.

          • Dagon

            So naive.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Like a babe in the woods.

          • /ALSO NOT A GOOD THING TO GOOGLES

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • Mother Shabubu
      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Carol is a bitch…..

        • Mother Shabubu

          A tremendous bitch.

    • The Chad. Is stuck.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Probably. Chad is my least favorite name.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        It really is a terrible name.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          No one should be named Chad.

      • BobLoblaw

        What about Duncan? Bentley? Brenton? Astley?

      • JWEG

        ‘Tad’ or ‘Thad’ is worse.

        There is only one exceptional case: https://youtu.be/dKQaV22GZhg

  • Howard Dean

    I root for this Chad and all other Chads everywhere. May they stuff lockers and quash dreams in glorious perpetuity.

    Also:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4nCy5CITc8

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I honestly am speechless. This hit the nail on the head as to why false “nice guys” are pieces of garbage. They expect that women should fall in love with them just because they’re nice. That’s not the way the world works and it makes guys that are actually nice guys look bad. I know that technically this has nothing to do with the Black Album but I enjoy the Black Album quite a bit.

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      The trick is to be a nice guy but also have a great ass.

      • Dubbbz

        Really just the latter.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Poor W and his flat butt…..

          • Dubbbz

            Man, I’m touched you remembered that about me.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Well, you seemed so sad about that. It truly touched me……..everywhere.

        • I’m convinced this is the only reason any women talk to me

          • Dagon

            Or Guacamole Jim.

  • tigeraid
    • Sy-Klone

      We must win her back…WIN HER BACK!

      • Williegsandidge1

        <<fb. ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!il270r:….,……

  • Eliza

    It’s kind of unfair that the Black Album gets so much hate, it’s not that bad. Load and ReLoad are so much worse.

    • DeeSnarl

      Buuuuut neither is it that good. YUUUGE step down from its predecessors…

      • Eliza

        I agree. I think it’s just ok.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    The Black Album is not part of the 2.5 great Metallica albums. But its ok. In a world of genocide and people that wear shorts and flip flops, I can’t bring myself to get too het up about a band that changed their sound more than a decade before I even got into them.

    • Look man, the American south gets hot in the summer.

    • Sy-Klone

      “In a world of genocide and people that wear shorts and flip flops…”

      Well that…de-escalated quickly lol.

      I may have to borrow that one from ya.

    • flip flop hatred should not be a thing. Socks <<<<<<<<<<

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    ‘Hater’ is a word I would like to see people stop using.

  • I don’t remember hating the black album when it came out. Metallica really started to shit the bed with the albums that followed and by then I had moved on. My attitude today is AJFA or GTFO.

    • Dubbbz

      Justice is my favorite, but I love all of the first four.

  • Fucking Chad and his white teeth and kempt hair and his hygiene and his ability to carry a conversation.

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      “would you like any sauce with your nuggets?” is great conversation

      • Dagon

        “The honey mustard is out of control, bro.”

    • Max

      And his habit of getting picked first for the Phys Ed team.

      • While I get picked last for today’s sportsball session…

        • Max

          Man, you’re STILL putting yourself through that humiliation?

          I gave up doing any Phys Ed at high school as soon as we had the option not to.

          (I was a skater and I walked to school a lot; so it’s not like I’m encouraging no exercise – just not engaging in team-sport exercise where you get yelled at by the jocks for being the fifth wheel you admittedly are.)

          • Oh no, I was joking around, last time I played a team sport because my education mandated it was freshman year of high school. I lift weights and run for exercise nowadays.

  • JWEG

    High school… Black Album…

    This article is clearly not written for me or anyone younger. I was in the equivalent of Middle School in 1991; and while I did discover Metallica on my own in High School I had the misfortune of my first exposure being Load. The local paper review called it obviously vastly unlike anything Metallica had ever done, and definitely just a “modern rock” record.

    But here’s where it deviated from the metal crowd’s obvious panty-bunching: it reviewed it as a modern rock record, and identified it still as orders of magnitude better than anything else that was out at the time on (mainstream) MR radio. I gave it a chance on that basis. And actually liked parts of it enough to keep it around for a while.

    I’ve previously noted my early exposure to “Metal” as mid-80’s and return to the genre (with full investment) in the mid 2000’s. The above should explain why I don’t count Metallica as a gateway midway between those two. I hadn’t approached them as a metal band, despite the name and the reputation.

  • We covered Enter Sandman in one of my elective classes in High School as a class project. That class was rad. Just cover songs for an hour a day.

  • DeeSnarl

    That’s not how that worked at all. If the analogy actually worked, old Metallica was hot as shit, yes, but she LOVED me, and we had great sex, and the perfect relationship. Importantly, our relationship revolved around commitment – she swore she would never be like one of the other faceless (if cute enough) chicks, she swore she would always be my special unique girlfriend. Besides quality, this commitment to loyalty and integrity was her defining feature. Then, of course, upon reuniting after summer or whatever, she had completely lost everything that made her special. She was still cute, but in a generic way I had no particular interest in. Her personality had become bland and average. Cool chick, I guess, but had totally betrayed all the ideals she had talked up so, so much – she would occasionally pay some lip service to the ideas that I held, and still hold, dear, but her lack of sincerity made the whole thing ridiculous and, frankly, insulting. Plus, now she was a whore. We hung out a few times, and I still say hi when she comes to town, but basically, she went on to great success as a sorority girl amlnd Stepford wife, and I went my own way.

    That’s how that happened.

    • Calling women whores is a great way to prop up your argument.

      • DeeSnarl

        *eyeroll*

      • Guacamole Jim
        • Analogous slut shaming is still slut shaming and still reads like some MGTOW bitter over his ex cheating on him.

          • Dagon

            What does MGTOW stand for? Just curious.

          • Dubbbz

            Men Going Their Own Way

          • Is that phrase used enough to actually be considered a widespread acronym?

          • Dagon

            Apparently, it is. Seems to be an internet community.

            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Going_Their_Own_Way

          • Huh, weird.

          • Guacamole Jim

            If DeeSnarl’s analogy is: Metallica = a woman (as was the analogy in the original article), and his point is Metallica sold themselves for money, then by the definition of a whore (a prostitute) the analogy holds up, and isn’t “slut shaming” or even “calling women whores”.

          • Whore is a derogatory term ( gendered slur) shaming women for promiscuity. If the problem is that Metallica girl turned to prostitution, then say that instead of doing the equivalent of calling a black person the n-word because they committed a crime. Makes for a better analogy.

          • Guacamole Jim

            I agree “whore” has a lot of baggage with it, but in this context the proper definition (prostitute) was the intended meaning, which I think was pretty clear by the way the analogy was structured. Yes, there are people using the term in a derogatory way, and I agree it’s something to be railed against. This is not one of those occasions.

          • A greater problem would be why prostitution is the go-to insult here instead of greed or shilling, both of which are principally worse.

            And yeah, it’s picking a fight bringing it up here, but these ideas fester when unchallenged, and sexism is explicitly against the rules of the blog, so I feel obligated to give my 2 cents.

          • Guacamole Jim

            It’s the go-to because it was mentioned in the original article. DeeSnarl used the terms in the article to create a different analogy, but it is nonetheless contextual. Additionally, the term isn’t being used as an insult in this context. A whore, or a prostitute, is someone who sells their body for money. Metallica, as used in this analogy, is selling their “body” for money. It isn’t necessarily an insult, as you’ve assumed. It is simply the definition of the word. The problem you’re trying to challenge isn’t actually a problem in this context, but rather you’ve read it in.

          • I maintain that it is still sexist because it denigrates the woman’s agency over what to do with her body and her sexuality, making it about her sex life choices instead of her questionable moral judgement. The analogy is problematic.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Your problem is a Wittgensteinian one, then. You won’t play the language game of anyone else. You refuse to understand the context of the word in this situation, and instead force your own definition and context onto it, and rework the comment into something it wasn’t intended to be. If the word wasn’t sexist in the original article (something you haven’t noted, so I assume you have no problem with it – additionally, if the blog is anti-sexism but the editors let the word through, then I have to assume they saw the same context as I, and don’t believe the term can only be used in one way), then the word doesn’t have to be sexist in the comment, which was a direct response. Anything can be problematic if you refuse to understand its intended meaning. I don’t mean this to say I disrespect you, or what you’re trying to point out – I actually agree. But you’re railing against nonexistent sexism here, and it feels pointless.

          • I don’t have a problem with it in the use of the original article because the use is clearly from a satirical PoV, simple as that.

            I understand the context of the word in the analogy. It functions. In the micro, I have a problem with the usage of a word that you and I both acknowledge as risque at best, and in the macro I have a problem with the notion conveyed in the analogy that prostitution is fundamentally and symbolically wrong, hence its use here as a negative, and my objection.

          • Guacamole Jim

            And that’s fine – I understand what you’re trying to say. If we start talking about the morality of prostitution, though, I feel we’ll really have lost what we were trying to discuss in the first place. But, in conclusion, we disagree on whether or not the word used is problematic in this context, and I’m okay with that. I appreciate having a discussion about this sort of thing that doesn’t degenerate into ad hominem fallacies, and I also appreciate not having to arrive at some kind of ideological unity, but rather having a chance to understand different points of view. All in all, thought provoking discussion!

          • NO SCREW YOU GUAC IM NOT THINKING EVER AGAIN THANKS TO YOU ARRRRGGGHHH

            Nah but for real it’s cool, I’m glad we can still be cool about this. ? I usually expect the worst.

      • DeeSnarl

        Thank you Mr. Jim. Gurp, my language was somewhat problematic. I chose to go with it toward viscerally making my point. I will continue to carefully weigh whether such license is warranted in a given context. I thought it was here – perhaps I was wrong.

        • Don’t sweat it, dude. I’m not very good about being diplomatic about these things. You analogy works overall, I gotta say, it’s just that one line is tied up in some notions bigger than Metallica’s artistic integrity.

    • Dagon

      There were only few occasions someone disagreed in such a great way. Good comment.

      https://i.ytimg.com/vi/T7x2UMoxavs/hqdefault.jpg

      • DeeSnarl

        Thanks!

    • Dubbbz

      Be honest. You were cranking your hog and typing a racist screed on deathmetal.org when you typed that, weren’t you? 😉

      • DeeSnarl

        Well. I AM ambidextrous….

      • Good use of deathmetal.org over there, bro!

        BRO!

  • JWEG

    On another note: there is actually a “Chad” in the local metal scene who has obviously evolved way past the handicap of his first name (actually Chadwick, which is clearly even more snooty-sounding).

    Though, he’s used a succession of stage pseudonyms over the last decade or so.

    So maybe it doesn’t really count…

  • I don’t have any relevant comment, so I will just put this obnoxious little critter photography and walk away:

    http://i.usatoday.net/life/_photos/2012/05/23/Lars-Ulrich-snares-new-opportunity-Acting-151HJKRC-x-large.jpg

  • Not that is matters a whole lot, because I am widely indifferent to the entire matter… BUT to sum up the matter, If I would told I had free tickets to see Metallica play the entire Black album in full, I would go. Yup.

    GL

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      I would join you.

    • I would go just to hang with you and Boss.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      I saw them do it. With that knowledge in hand, I’d pass hard.

  • I’m really surprised there is no one in here defending their distaste for that album. So I will.

    I don’t like it, but it’s not bad. I just don’t want to really go out of my way and listen to it again. a solid 2.5/5 or 3/5

    • Dagon

      My opinion is that, much like influential albums “become better” than they actually are with time, Black Album got worse because of its successors.

  • Sy-Klone

    So, if I really liked her during the Kill Em All phase, does that make me a pedophile???

    • Vault Dweller

      I respect you for asking the IMPORTANT questions.

      (srs, does it?)

  • R.M.T.

    Always a good idea to insult ~90% of your audience. Well-done, mate.

    • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

      What a cuck, mirite.

      • R.M.T.

        I have never used that word unironically, so… no.

        • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

          You cuck.

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      ~90% of our readership can tell the difference between a serious and a non-serious article.

  • tertius_decimus

    This allusion is very “real world”. I mean, it happens to many so often that you can tell the end of the story before listening to its start. I apologize for selfishness, but being betrayed the same exact way you describe in this truly true post, I may start crying now. Because the world is fine. People whom we love are fucked. 🙁

    It’s such a sad, sad, sad, sad post, W. I now will cry a little river.

  • Abradolf Lincler

    *inappropriate comment

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Yeah, that was awesome.

    • more beer

      Did you get your beer?

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Yes I did. Sorry, I thought I sent you an email. Waiting for the right day to enjoy it though. Its been stupidly hot.

        • more beer

          Okay cool.

  • Waynecro

    I stopped caring about Metallica when I discovered death metal. Metallica and I just grew apart, and I traded up. Jeez, I sound like a total Chad in this scenario.

  • Guppusmaximus

    More like College happened. Metallica came back thinking they were smarter than everyone else when all they got was a Liberal Arts degree…

    • Dubbbz

      LOL

  • Poseur Diposeur

    This is brilliant

  • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

    There’s a lot of liars in here who claim they hate this album, when it was actually one of the first formative metal albums a lot of teenagers, who became metalheads, listened to in the 90s and early 00s. I include myself in that without any semblance of embarrassment.

  • Max

    Having only given it a cursory listen, the only thing I like on it is “Nothing Else Matters.” On Justice, I only like “One”, “Blackened” and “Dyers Eve.” So I suppose Justice is the “better” album for me.

    But I totally understand why they went in that direction. Did anybody really need another Metallica album where the songs got even longer than on Justice?

    And why bother with Justice when you can rock out to the greatest heavy metal album of 1988 – Crest of a Knave?

  • Williegsandidge1

    <<fb. ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!il270r:….,…….