Here is YOUR chance to play with Katatonia

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Time to start brushing up on your Swedish.

Bummer-metallers Katatonia announced yesterday via their website that they have parted ways with live guitarist Tomas “Plytet” Akvik. Citing other commitments, the band said that Akvik’s last gig will be at the 70000 Tons Of Metal cruise in January. Katatonia’s loss can be your gain, though, as the band is now looking for a new guitarist.

Have you ever wanted to jam out to “Forsaker” or express your inner-most sadness during “Saw You Drown” in front of thousands? Well now is your chance to become the live session guitarist for Katatonia. If being a session musician doesn’t sound that great, keep in mind that both Dan Swanö and Mikael Akerfeldt were both session musicians for the band. That’s pretty good company to be in.

Requirements include:

You are 100% into Katatonia’s current sound, but also well aware of the band’s entire history.

  • You have good singing abilities and are able to perform live backing vocals.
  • You are an all-round guitar player with good skills to play lead/solo guitar.
  • You have live experience.
  • You are a fast learner.
  • You are between 25-40 years old.
  • You have a considerable head start if you already live in Sweden (ideally Stockholm) and speak Swedish.

Think you have what it takes? Hopefully the Swedish thing won’t be a stumbling block for you. I’m sure exceptions can be made if you can do everything else well. Also if you have a good metal face and long, luxurious metal hair. Send a message to the band at katatonia@northernmusic.co.uk with the subject line “Guitarist Submission”.

Full details can be found on Katatonia’s website. Good luck!

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  • CyberneticOrganism

    Thank you for reminding me it’s Forsaker weather outside.

  • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼
  • Spear

    I’ve got the hair and the age, and I know the word “skogen.” I’ve practically got the job already.

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      Jag tycker om springa i skogen.

      • Jag gillar att springa i skogen nakna.

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Fitta! Du är pervers!

          • Vi, halv elf människor, älskar skogen och vi är magiska varelser som ger lycka och skratt för alla.

            Vi har också fruktansvärda pruttar och okontrollerbar förstoppning.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Vitun svedupelle! Nyt ois kirveelle töitä!

        • JAG must be big in Sweden!

      • Spear

        Skogen är underbart!

        Is that even close to correct? Who knows! Grammar is for nerds.

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Jag vet inte. I was never good at Swedish.

          • Swedish pronunctiation is interesting, it sounds like if you put three rocks in your mouth and try to talk with a lot of Ks and Vs.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Danish pronounciation sounds like you have mouth full of shit.

          • Spear

            Sweet Jesus

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Spawn of Jay Leno, Fred Savage and Bristol Palin?

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            Who knows how many spawns Bristol Palin has had

  • Oh, man. I totally imagined going to Sweden to meet Katatonia :'( I have plenty of ideas to make a Viva Emptiness II concept album about malandros in Petare instead of the mafia.

  • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

    I’m just gonna send them this video

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SOc00PGbhag

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Supposedly Philthy Phil has passed. Totally lame…..

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVecmhNYbuQ

    • KJM, Shake Zula

      I’m sure we’ll know for certain by lunchtime. : (

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        It was posted on Eddie Clarke’s official FB page, but I can’t find any other sources. Of course Eddie being the source is very credible.

        • KJM, Shake Zula

          Was lucky enough to see him when he briefly returned to the band. I think the ticket stub I posted was from that era. Another piece of my teens/20s gone. R.I.P.

    • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼

      Damn. Just spun this record last weekend over many beers. Sorry to hear.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Nooooooo!

    • Waynecro

      Goddamnit.

  • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼
    • BEARD-SPLITTER

      I forgot about this one. Its a goodn

      • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼

        Indeed. It’s been a long while since I jammed it. I got the vinyl so I’ll probably spin it tomorrow night, my only complaint about the vinyl is that it’s 2 discs but only 3 sides. Just kinda annoying is all.

        • BEARD-SPLITTER

          How is the artwork inside?

          • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼

            I honestly can’t remember what is inside the gate-fold. I’ll have to check when I get home and get back to you.

        • Stanley

          Agreed. I have a few records like that (including this one). Just dumb.

  • Vote for Jeb

    I thought this was a cool, somber re-imagining of their work. #whilemyjimmiesrustlesoftly

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AsIqq8JTn4

  • Only Swedish buzzsaw guitar tones are real.
    http://youtu.be/iGcZsA0vLu0

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      If we’re talking about Sweden, then this must never be left out…..

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuFa6hUsY1c

      • Not my thing but I know alot of people like this record.

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        I don’t think Dissection is all that great

        • Finally, I am not alone. Come here, lil tapir. Embrace me.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Of course you don’t. Is that supposed to be shocking?

            EDIT: Haven’t given you shit in a while #overdue…..

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Do I have to send you both to your room without supper?

          • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼
          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Well, she doesn’t have to be tied up if she doesn’t want to be…

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            …or in the basement even.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Not at all. In fact, I would prefer not to.

          • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼

            Nice.

          • BobLoblaw

            Please stop.

          • You seem mad.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Hahaha. I’m seeing MGLA tonight, how could I be, silly man?

        • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼
        • whoa, i was listening to it REAL hard trying to like it, and it wasn’t happening

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          I’m not sorry you’re wrong.
          #KSOFM CUNTING FACTS

          • It’s almost like taste is subjective
            #JOE FUCKWORDS FAX

          • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼
          • BobLoblaw

            Nevermind.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            #No one definitely asked Joe

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            I’m not sorry I don’t like subpar black metal.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Technically they’re not black metal….technically…..

          • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼

            Christ, they were on best of death metal lists.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            But they are subpar.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            So, who would be above them then, in your terrible opinion?

          • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼

            Deafheaven.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck!

          • Vote for Jeb

            Oh yah, they wrote a melodeath album.

          • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼

            Which was poop.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            They were melodic death and melodic black. Not just black, listen to the riffs again….

          • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼

            Storm of the Light’s Bane and The Somberlain were top 50 on Decibles top 100 death metal albums.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Somberlain was on there?

          • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼

            Yup

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Somberlain is more death than Light’s Bane…..

          • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼

            Agreed.

          • Vote for Jeb

            I remembered Light’s Bane because I posted the list in the FB group. Just didn’t remember Somberlain.

          • Zeke

            I listened back to sotlb after you posted that list. If you listened to the title track in a bubble without any context it’s more Gothenburg death than black

          • ┼Taubryee Plaza┼

            #36

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Thank you kind sir…….

        • Since I finally could have the opportunity to listen their two first albums like I wanted to… I must say that they have good songs and other long songs that overextend too much the time of listening.

          Still, I liek Where Dead Angels Lie, Crimson Towers and The Somberlain.

      • Waynecro

        Dissection fucking rules.

      • Also Dawn’s “Nær Sólen Gar Niþer for Evogher”

        https://youtu.be/Z79rRUwWl74

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Good call, JAG.

    • Waynecro

      That’s such a good album.

  • Sir Tapir The Based

    Sweden has a few good bands. Other than that, fuck ’em!
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U7pqeVQys8s

  • Stanley

    I would totally do this if I could sing, play guitar properly, play live, learn quickly, be 5 years younger and speak Swedish. Where did it all go wrong?

  • Waynecro

    I don’t think I meet any of those requirements:

    Out-of-practice metal bassist seeks total bros to play music (preferably death metal, black metal, or grindcore) with. I can sing/scream/growl/grunt/gurgle/etc. but have a mild fear of being electrocuted by the microphone. Stage presence? I like to stand in the corner and pretend I’m invisible–hey, more attention for the rest of the band! I work and work out a lot, so I only have a few hours a week to dedicate to practicing, coming up with sweet logos and T-shirt designs, and hanging out. I’m clean and sober, so you’ve got yourself a designated driver. Then again, I hate driving and will likely refuse to go anywhere fun. We can practice in my half of the garage (my ex keeps her car in the other half), provided the drummer can figure out how to set up his or her kit around a treadmill, squat rack, bench, and a bunch paint cans. I have a job, so making a ton of money isn’t a real concern; however, I’m willing to trade my share of the groupies and bar tokens for cash. Prefer to play gigs on weekends and within a ten-mile radius of my house.

    • you’re hired!

      • Waynecro

        Sweet deal! We should play misogynistic power violence and call ourselves Assgasm. Or maybe Buttgasm (the hard B has a nice ring to it).