Help Us Name the New Exoplanet and Win a Free Download of Blood Incantation’s Starspawn


Yesterday morning, scientists from the European Southern Observatory announced the discovery of a new, Earth-like, and potentially habitable planet orbiting the (relatively) close star Proxima Centauri within the red dwarf’s Goldilocks habitable zone. Although the team of European scientists, who have seen evidence of the planet since 2013 and just published a confirmation of the new system in Naturewill likely be allowed to name the planet, we, as a chiefly American blog, don’t think those European nerds should have the last say. That’s why we’re turning to you to help us pick the name of our new home whenever our own star burns out and destroys Earth. If you come up with something especially good, you’ll even be awarded by the Toilet and the greater scientific community (probably) with a free download of the excellent new album from Blood Incantation.

The rules are fairly simple. Just comment below with your suggested name and a description of what sort of things you think the nanoprobes that astronomers want to send to the planet in 2060 will discover. I’m partial to naming the planet Mr. Pipey. Rather than finding any life on the surface of the planet, I think scientists will see the planet itself is alive, just chilling out in space, smoking a pipe and wearing a monocle. It would be like the Marvel character Ego, the Living Planet, except interesting and gentlemanly, full of intriguing anecdotes of stars going nova and cats getting into interstellar mishaps.

Yeah, that’s the stuff.

Alternatively, we could call our future home Mr. In Your Planet 7. Maybe the probes will discover that Macho Man Randy Savage never died but is instead thriving on Mr. In Your Planet 7, snapping into an eternal supply of Slim Jims while ensconced on a throne of forgotten dad rock laserdiscs launched into orbit.

Anyway, the task of naming this planet does not fall upon my shoulders. Each of you must put forth an idea for the peer review of your esteemed colleagues. The most highly voted entry by 12:00 am, Monday (the 29th) will win the free download.

(Thanks to Elegant Gazing Globe for the donation).

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  • Guacamole Jim

    I’d suggest naming it something simple, something catchy, yet elegant…

    How about “BOFA”?

    • Bannanas Oranges Full-of Apples?

      • Guacamole Jim


  • nbm02ss

    In this day and age it’ll probably end up with a corporate sponsorship. Can’t wait to board a massive spaceship on my journey to planet T-Mobile

    • HA!

    • Virgin Mega Planet

      • Guacamole Jim

        That’s basically the Toilet ov Hell tho


          2017 Anniversary Shirts

          • Dagon

            I totally had sex on Second Life though. What a great game.

    • JWEG

      Space Disney World, obviously.

  • Waynecro

    We should probably be realistic and name it something like “Future Destroyed Earth 2.”

    • nbm02ss

      Planet “We’re Fucked”.

      • Waynecro

        Planet “We’re Fucked Again: The Saga Continues.”


  • Another l submission is: Pepornevménos.

    Which is Geek for “fornicated”. Apparently “fucked” is not in their vocab.


    • Guacamole Jim

      You’d think that would have turned up once they got shitowned by Hannibal.

      • Coolstorybro

        That was the Romans

  • Waynecro

    Combinations of letters and numbers give off a nice sciency vibe. So perhaps “0ICU812,” “B4I4Q,” or “80085.”

  • Brock Samson

    The only logical answer is Omicron Persei 8, and Vektor should be sent out to slay the posers inhabiting it

  • RJA

    Free Blood Incantation download – solid prize.
    I have a couple other free downloads – just maybe give a heads up if you grab them so others don’t try one that’s already taken.
    Ripper – Experiment of Existence 58UM4LW3CB
    Ellorsith/Mannveira Split HMET2YZNL9
    Downfall of Nur – Umbras e Forestas cac4-kw9l

    • RJA

      Dark Descent is having a sale by the way!

    • You rule! I took the Ripper download. Thanks.

      • RJA

        Been a while since I enjoyed a thrash album as much as that one – touches me in all the right places.

    • Eliza

      Awesome! I really like that Downfall of Nur.

    • Thanks! I was listening to Downfall of Nur the other day and was wanting to snag their stuff. You da bess!

    • Fuck, I’m late to the Ripper party! Jajajaja.

      • Eliza

        Better late than never.

    • Man, you should haven’t bothered to gift the album!!!

      Thanks a lot!!!

  • RustyShackleford

    Planty McPlanetface?! YEP!!!!

    Also I must confess that in No Man’s Sky I named my first solar system HARAMBE and the two planets were DIX and OUT. I deserve to vanish into the void.

  • Name it Bob

  • Abradolf Lincler

    Toiletorius 1

    • Abradolf Lincler

      or Earth 2

      or “Unearth” . . . fuck

  • Future Barren Wasteland – The rich and powerful will get there first and pollute the place in half the time it took to destroy this planet. I propose they all go there and leave the rest of us behind where we can create a fair and civil soceity.

    • Eliza

      Wishful thinking.

      • In the meantime I’ll search for my own island in International waters that will be powered by wind and solar. Food will be locally sourced on the premises and anyone who can make good craft beer will be offered citizenship.

  • Brock Samson

    I say the first statue erected in honor of settling said planet should be…,800×800,070,f.u1.jpg

  • Eliza

    If the planet is similar to Earth, I think humanity would adopt a name to represent their hope to live on that planet once Earth becomes inhabitable, “Spes”. However, when the first humans arrive on Spes, they discover the fact that its atmosphere is harmful to them, causing them unbearable physical pain. When the terrible news reaches Earth, the planet’s name changes to “Infernum Doloris”.

  • BobLoblaw

    This whole goddamn planet is on a cob!

    • Brock Samson

      What about a planet with a screaming sun cuz we are definitely not staying in the planet that is a cob

      • BobLoblaw

        Id love to know his reasoning in nixing the cob planet. He was legitimately scared.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa


    All caps, no posers.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    My wife says Mr. Pipey needs an ascot because he has no body for a smoking jacket. Also, a big curly mustache, not unlike the one of our own Leif Bearikson.

    • Guacamole Jim

      Pepe and Dickbutt?? How can one choose?? YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA

  • Joaquin Stick

    You know what? We’re going to name that beautiful, gorgeous planet Planet Trump. Why? Because it’s yuuuge. Roughly 1.3 times the size of earth. It’s such an amazing planet, a very good planet. It’s so great because we don’t even need to make it great again. We just need to make it great to begin with. First priority? Walls. Lots of walls. Aliens love me, but we need to make sure we are protected. I’ll bring our best jobs to Planet Trump, good intergalactic jobs. We need to ditch this crooked planet, pull ourselves up by the rocketboot straps, and found Planet Trump!

  • Let’s call it heranus

    • Eliza


  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    I’m gonna go with our country’s theme of discovering things that are already discovered. I’m assuming we’ll find beings living there already so I think it should be called Planet West Indies

  • Guppusmaximus
    • Abradolf Lincler

      id squanch on that planet

  • Count_Breznak

    Let’s stay classy: Priapos

  • Austin Arthur

    Harambe Centauri. It’s where Harambe’s soul went after his passing. It’s said that the souls of innocent children are directed there by his energy after their own death so he doesn’t have to spend eternity alone.

  • Max


    • Señor Jefe El Rosa


  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    We should call it “UGH!”

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      Therion is a good name for a planet.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Whoever stole my idea of Mr. In Your Planet 4 made me so sad.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Make Exoplanets Great Again.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Name it Agraphabos.

  • Ayreonaut

    Insert obligatory dream theater reference

  • Commodus, Flusher Of Worlds

    Planet Piss!