Heart Stains – Happy Valentine’s Day

1890
118
Share:

Hearts on fire, hearts on fire. Burning, burning with desire.

Despite a good portion of the US being nipple-deep in snow, Valentine’s Day is upon us. While it certainly doesn’t feel like spring is just around the corner, the designated day of love is here. Many of you may protest that this is a holiday made up by Hallmark or Disney, but you should probably get something for your sweetie regardless. Whether it’s flowers (pro-tip: don’t buy them at the gas station), chocolates (pro-tip: a Fun-Size Snickers doesn’t count), or a romantic dinner for two (pro-tip: White Castle has tablecloths, flowers, and table service just for the special occasion. Set your reservation now!), you should probably get something. Just as long as that something isn’t one of these shirts.

 

Metallica – Gimme fyool, gimme fiyah, gimme a shirt that draws my ire
metallicaheartstains

A heart: The international symbol of love. Clearly, Metallica wants this buck-toothed demon to show you some love. Why else would monster skull/spine combo grin like someone just said the word “duty”? Just look at the sweet twinkle in its hollow eye sockets as it presents you a perfectly parched heart with its disembodied hand. It even has its best mummy wraps on. What does that say at the bottom? Heart Extinction? Heart Explosion? Either way, that’s love baby.

In a weird twist, the heart is completely dry, but the multiple “Metallica” logos are all dripping with blood like they just got out of a soccer (or football, for our international friends) match between the English Crotchstompers and the German Headbutters. Are we to infer that our happy lil’ demon wrote Metallica with the heart? If so, that is pretty creative and resourceful. What a catch! If he’s a doctor or lawyer, marry him now!

 

Emmure – Keeping it classy
emmureheartstains

We already know that Emmure are class acts, so their inclusion shouldn’t be a surprise. While I had a number of Emmure shirts to choose from (don’t worry, plenty will be inducted in future editions of Shirt Stains), this one struck me as particularly stupid. Mario banging Princess Peach. With their clothes on, no less. I think someone needs to teach Frankie and the boys all about the birds and the bees. Or maybe Peach is choking and Mario doesn’t know how to do the Heimlich Maneuver.

Also, nice job changing Mario’s colors. That’ll throw off those pesky Nintendo lawyers! Kudos to Emmure for somehow not also cramming in Luigi, Toad, Bowser, and Yoshi. Then again, I don’t know what’s on the back of the shirt, so it’s still possible that they’re on it.

Is it supposed to be funny? I don’t think it is, judging by the pained look on the model’s face. This is a guy with big plugs and a full sleeve tattoo that also goes to his hand, and this Emmure shirt is what’s embarrassing him. That’s definitely a “where did I fuck up in my life?” expression.

 

Cradle of Filth – What’s black and red and pasty all over?
cradleoffilthheartstains

First off, apologies for the small photo, but this is what I could find that included the back. On the front of this shirt, we get Cradle of Filth lead banshee Dani Filth in all of his pale glory. He looks like a Romney caught in a chalk snowstorm. To one side is a heart, bringing the only splash of color to the entire shirt. On the other side, uh… I’m not really sure? Another heart? Let’s take a closer look.

cofheartstains

Yeah, I’m still not sure, but it’s either melting off of Dani’s face or growing out of it like a tree. Either way, no sense made. And what’s that in front of him? An engine? I have so many questions and very little answers. It’s like asking why people talk about the Grammys when they mean absolutely nothing. Or asking why bands feel the need to put their name on both sleeves. Just stop! Bad Dani! Bad! Go to your room!

 

HIM – Ville Valo sure is purty
himheartstains

For those that don’t remember, HIM were a hard-ish rock-ish Finn-ish band that referred to themselves as “Love Metal”. I think that was really just easier than calling themselves “SAWFT”. According to Wikipedia, they formed in 1991. Wow! Really, though, we’re not here to talk about the band. We’re here to talk about this hilarious shirt.

No one would ever confuse HIM singer Ville Valo for a “beefcake”, and this shirt confirms it. More like “tofu donut”. Maybe it’s his straw-like frame, soft pouty lips, or his disturbing nipple tattoo, but I don’t think Ville is winning any Tough Man contests any time soon. If you didn’t know HIM was a band, you might mistake this shirt from a 50 Shades of Grey knock-off. This is the shirt that launched a thousand creepy fan-fiction stories on Tumblr. I guess the rest of HIM should be thankful that they’re not included.

 

Bullet For My Valentine – Lolbuttz. Literally.
bfmvheartstains1

This shirt, with its laughing skulls in the shape of a heart, kind of looks like a traumatized butt.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

  • It is your civic duty to impale anyone you see in that Emmure shirt with non-innuendous steel.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Guh, that H.I.M. shirt is cringe-inducing.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Jesus dude, do a push-up every now & then.

      http://alt-sector.net/uploads/posts/2011-07/1311448713_him_2.jpg

      • Dagon

        Or maybe just eat some burgers. You look like you’re sick.

        • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

          Or “Asthmatic” like they claimed last time he coughed blood on stage and they had to cancel shows. Or “Alcoholic” as I would call it.

      • tertius_decimus

        Can’t press ˄ button.

      • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

        The bastard spawn of Nick Cave and Buster Poindexter.

    • <3

      • tertius_decimus

        # Villevalo left nipple.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        No!

      • EsusMoose

        I thought it was a weird piercing, guess he just wanted a terrible line on his chest

  • IronLawnmower

    Bullet for My Goatse

  • Väinämöinen

    Someone plz come and take H.I.M. away from Finland!

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      I’ll take them. I like their music.

      • Väinämöinen

        *insert bad joke here*

        • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

          What bad joke?

          • Väinämöinen

            The “you would” thing.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I see. I do like them but I only enjoy their first album. I didn’t enjoy much beyond that.

    • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

      We’ll take them and give you Justin Bieber and Kanye West!

      • Väinämöinen

        Eh, I don’t mind Kanye.

  • VVayne Brady
  • Keegan Lavern Still

    Bullet for my Valentine – Lolbuttz. Literally.

    I CANNOT UNSEE IT. Guuuuuhhhh.

    • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

      Booger For My Valentine.

  • VVayne Brady

    Also, that Emmure shirt made me sad.

  • The HIM and Cradle of Filth shirts are so damn cringey. I can already feel my fist preemptively clenching in anticipation of punching the nerds who wear those.

    • It really says something that those shirts are somehow worse than a giant, bloody asshole.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • Dagon

      There’s a song with this name on Acid King’s new album. Now I’m going to have to listen to them both.

  • Dagon
  • Dagon

    It’s funny how the gear displayed in this feature ALWAYS look like stuff I can purchase from bootleggers right in the square in front of my apartment, and I can’t find good band merch here at all.

  • Scrimm

    FUCK Valentine’s day! worst day of the year.

    • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

      Just a day among others, no different in any other way than the U.S mailman who first came up with it wanting your money a little more than usual.

      • Scrimm

        It’s very different for me.

        • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

          Job? Or pests known as “family” or GTFO, you’re asking too personal stuff on a public internet page.

          • Scrimm

            Nah, nothing like that. Just sucks being born on the girliest fucking day of the year.

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            You Are? *Giggles mockingly*

          • Scrimm

            Exactly. The worst is whenever someone has to see my ID. Never fails they make some lame ass comment like I haven’t heard it a thousand times before.

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            AND if you don’t have a date on Valentines, it suck even worse ’cause you get older too. (How many time shave ye heard a variation of that)

          • Scrimm

            I actually think I’m cursed or something like that. I pretty much am always single come valentine’s and the couple times I wasn’t we were fighting anyways.

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            Oh well… that suck’s. Though I feel yer pain, even if I wonder on every non-valentines day, why is it any worse to be single on Valentines day, then it arrives.

          • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

            Pfffffffffft, I didn’t even celebrate Valentine’s Day when I was supposed to.

          • You too? Difficult to celebrate your b-day when you have to do the suckfest that is Valentine’s Day.

          • Scrimm

            IT IS!!

          • Happy B-Day, have some drinks and try to forget all the circumstances surrounding this crumby day.

          • Scrimm

            I will, same to you.

          • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

            Happy birthday!

          • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

            Haha, makes me proud to be born on St. Patrick’s Day, the manliest (and drunkenest, as well as thick-headed) day of the year!

      • Väinämöinen

        Funny how it’s Friend’s day here.

        • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

          It is isn’t it. I kinda like it more as Friend’s day though, makes it less uncomfortable in a way.

  • Tyree

    Fucking worthless meeting! My new ass-fuck boss chewed gum with his mouth open for an entire 2 hours. I just wanted to crush his face in, DIE YOU FUCK!!!!. I need beer goddamnit.

    These shirts are shit by the way.

  • I’M ON VACATION!

    I disagree with the assessment of the “HIM” shirt. That thing’s guaranteed to get you laid.

    At any rate, happy Friday everyone.

  • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

    I’d like to point out that H.I.M is still a band, and as recently as ’13 made one (1) song I liked.

    http://kumiankka.sarjakuvablogit.com/files/2010/03/kaljaa.jpg

    • Nordling Writes ov Karhu
      • Guacamole Jim

        Hmm. Kinda sludgy.

        • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

          This whole album is a bit. I’m thinking Valo must’ve been thrice as fucked up as usually making this.

          • Guacamole Jim

            hahahaha very possible. It’s kinda nice to hear them do something heavy again. The chorus is a bit cringy, though. Their guitar player is underutilized, methinks.

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            Story of all popular (Finnish) bands, compare early Nightwish to their new single (out now, flush). Or CoB’s debut to their latest two. Or a million other examples.

          • Väinämöinen

            CMX is not as heavy anymore, but stil goooood.

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            But I wouldn’t maybe call their guitarist(s) underutilized, nor are they popular outside Finland.

          • Väinämöinen

            Oh, that’s what you meant. I thought it was about the heavy part. I dun goofed yet again.
            *flushes Väinämöinen*

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            Yeah well, most drop the heavy too…

          • Guacamole Jim

            Have you ever heard Linde Lindstrom’s stuff (that wasn’t shitty throwback rock)? It’s pretty good!

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_LXaGj2sog

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            I have heard the other album he made under Lioneye-moniker, supposedly very different from the other, not sure which it is though.

          • Guacamole Jim

            The first one he put out as Daniel Lioneye was crummy, in my opinion. The second one was way more black and death metal influenced, with some melodic stuff. Really cool, I recommend a listen.

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            Will give, probably was the first one then, from which is that euroshaman.

          • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

            The new NW song is fucking awful. I can hear a narrator in the back: “Come sail away, with Pure Moods’.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZJSjrox_2s

            That or it was made for a jewelry store ad.

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            The b-side was equally lame. Hahto is wasted.

          • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

            I’d still happily stick my pinky up Floor’s butt though.

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            I could do any finger, into any of her holes.

          • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

            Or I’d give her a heartwarming Portuguese Breakfast, because I’m a romantic like that!

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_TxQEE7Z44

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            I’ll DO ANYTHING, JUST PICK ME ALREADY!

    • Väinämöinen

      That’s a crime. I’m calling Fobba!

      • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

        Drinking to sun’s bill?

        • Väinämöinen

          Liking H.I.M’s music

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            what can I say, I’m a Rebel

      • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

        I like Charles Mingus. Does that get me off the hook?

        • Väinämöinen

          Just this once.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Yay!

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    valentines day–a great time to show yer true heart–to all the ladies–and the world
    both at once–full vol
    http://youtu.be/WEg75Ud6z0I

    http://youtu.be/b0xrxO6HlhI

  • Tyree
  • I lol’d at tofu donut. Lots of great stuff in here.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    I’ve never met a person who identified as a male that enjoyed HIM.

    • Dagon

      Maybe they’re all androgynous like the due in that t-shirt. Or the girl.

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      I enjoy their first album. I don’t enjoy much of their other output though.

    • Kim Jong Un’s Turkish Snowcone

      Lee Dorian apparently does. That’s pretty much the only one.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Bam Margera too.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      A mate of mine was into HIM, I then referred to my mate as identifying himself as a homosexual

    • I’m male and I dig some HIM records. Fight me! All of you!

      *cracks the whip*

  • Paris Hilton

    I have a heartagram tattoo. It’s right next to my tramp stamp.

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    Can’t unsee the butt in the last one, lmao.