Hail Schubert, King of Cats

Every community needs an identity, a symbol, something with which members can identify, a rallying banner to muster hope and courage. When we started the Toilet ov Hell, we had no banner; the comments were rife with anarchy, and criminals and pirates prowled the forums, seeking to devour innocent lurkers. Then, when it seemed all hope was lost, a light shined forth upon us from the blackest pit, a consuming void called Oklahoma. Oddly enough, that light took an unexpected form, one of a lazy, somewhat obese (though Stockhausen denies it) cat who lived for luxury. Schubert, in all his ridiculous glory, became our hairball-spewing, fat-rolling champion, leading us to victory with siqq riffs and healthy competition every Saturday as the smiling, toxoplasmosa-ridden face of riff of the week. This cat was the hero we needed and the one we deserved. Sadly, Wednesday night, our hero passed from this cruel mortal plane, but in doing so, he became a legend, one that will forever linger on the tongues of metal pundits and poop fetishists seeking communion and companionship in the darkest corners of the internet.

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As 2014 approached its grand finale, the blog was in a state of disarray. Year end lists had left their chaotic mark on the content. Regular writers were burning out. The looming threat of holiday cheer was subverting the normal angst that fuels metal commenters. Frankly put, we needed a hero. That hero came to us On the 20th of December, 2014, as the new face of Riff ov the Week. No one will ever forget that night and what it meant for this blog. But I will never forget the cat and what he meant to me.

Schubert was a silly, mirth-filled cat who brought cheer to all around him. It was Schubert’s love and inability to hold his liquor that allowed me to overcome my fear of cat allergies and to embrace the toxoplasmosis parasites infecting my brain. It was Schubert’s joviality and laughable rotundity that brought healing and conviction to my marriage and finally allowed me to face my inner demons. It was Schubert’s grace and oafishness that taught me how to grieve when my wife and I lost our own cat Dr. Whiskers. Schubert, in his infinite wisdom, taught this blog how to succeed, and we owe our lives to this cat.

Schubert dwells within the memory of the hallowed bowl, and though his mortal coil has passed, his spirit will forever smile upon us, for he continues to live on within our hearts, minds, and lolbuttz. When you look at your fellow Toileteer, know that you have gazed upon Schubert’s soul. He was Karlheinz Stockhausen. And he was my father, and my mother, my brother, my friend. He was you, and me. He was all of us.

RIP Schubert, Lord ov All Cats and Metal

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All hail.

Written by:

Published on: June 17, 2016

Filled Under: Nostalgia Boners, Not Metal

Views: 1152

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  • Lacertilian

    Hail Schubert!

  • 🙁

  • Kitty cat, kitty cat, You passed from this world,
    May you rest in peace, While searching for whales in the toilet bowl.

    #WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALEES
    #GojiraFriday
    #ripit
    #blazeit
    #____it

    GL

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Is the new Gojira good? I haven’t given it a listen yet.

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        Spoiler alert: it’s NOT.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Damnit. I was excited for it.

          • Eliza

            Don’t listen to him, it’s good.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            It’s not tho

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            You lied to me. Go listen to Moby Grape.

          • Eliza

            What didn’t you like about it?

          • Don’t feed the tapir.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            *honk the tapir

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            *noot the gapir

          • Abradolf Lincler

            doot the flapir

          • Eliza

            Am I?

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Tbh i haven’t even heard the album because i know it aint my thang and i’m just setting my bait in the water.

          • Eliza

            -_-

          • Sir Tapir The Based

        • oof, i’m siding with you today

          • Eliza

            Come on, it’s not bad at all.

          • brokensnow

            Its not great, but its not the unlistenable blackened derp that passes for “good” around here.

          • you’re correct, it’s not bad… but i don’t like it. i’ve been a Gojira fan for roughly 10 years and i’m used to them being heavy. it’s too much of a shift in style for these old ears, and if that shift were towards the “more heavy” i’d be more accepting of it.

          • Eliza

            I can understand you wanting a more heavy album, I also had that problem with it. But I think that every album should be judged on its own merits, regardless of other releases. And, for what it is, I really enjoy this album. It’s not amazing in any way and there were things that could have been improved, but it entertained me during its runtime. I will definitely give it another listen in the near future, and I advise you do the same, to get a different perspective on it, as I have already got used to its sound.

          • that’s an incredibly solid argument Eliza. i’m going to keep that advice in one hand, and in the other, the following theory:
            if we keep supporting bands who make the transition from heavy to light (with our dollars) that is the very thing that is going to catch on.
            what’s more important to many artists: financial success or fans?
            i don’t want to come off as a jerk here, but it’s difficult for me to support (and by the same token, generate hype) for bands that are aiming for a more mainstream sound.

          • Eliza

            I’m on the fence about buying this too. I streamed it on their YouTube channel. I want Gojira to learn a lesson from this and listen to what the fans say about this album. Maybe the next one will be even better. If there’ll be one, that is. If not, then maybe this wouldn’t be the best last album.

          • i think they’ll gain a lot of new fans with this album, which is good for THEM because they are a hard working bunch. perhaps it’ll make new fans curious enough to investigate their older stuff too! there are certainly a few catchy tunes through, so i won’t even try to deny that 😉

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I just buy what I like and I like what I buy. Regardless if it crushes/pinches/massages my wiener. If a band is deliberately going for a mainstream sound or if that mainstream sound has grown organically does not matter to me as long as the tunes are good.

          • you’re the single reason why Metallica shifted towards easy listening starting with The Black Album 🙁

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Jimmy plz! I like the Black album.

          • your charm is so thick i can cut it with a knife!

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I was 14 when that album came out and while I already had discovered Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer etc I still was into the likes of Skid Row, Mötley, Guns n Roses so when Black came out and Megadeth came out with Countdown not long after, it wasn’t that much of a stretch for me to get into those albums. I guess because I never stopped liking bands such as the ones listed above that it’s not that big of a deal now when bands like Mastodon, Opeth and now Gojira alter their sound or take a “more mainstream” approach.

          • i feel ya. some things aren’t for me, but i never judge those who do enjoy them. with music, i get very segmented: when i want heavy, i play a heavy band. when i went light, i play female pop like Lady Gaga or Taylor Swift.
            i’ve listened to the new Gojira a few more times, and it really isn’t bad at all. but i have The Curse that prevents me from liking it, because i know what the band is capable of and i can’t stop hearing little snippets of greatness from the past (that remind me of Way of All Flesh and From Mars to Sirius)

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I have my copy now and have given it a couple of spins. It definitely is a weaker album than the last few

          • Owlswald

            I dunno.. The Cell is pretty heavy. I haven’t made it past this song yet so the jury is still out on the rest.

          • Those intro riffs to Pray are gunna crush your dick.

          • Owlswald

            Stranded is definitely the worst song of the bunch thus far. Such a Pantera rip off.

          • the instrumentals are lacking in my book, but it is only day one. Stranded seems a tad out of place though.

          • Eliza

            I agree that that song is the weakest, but the rest is really good.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I do like that riff in the chorus though. It’s pretty catchy and I think that song would sound massive live. Just like Mastodon’s High Road did when I saw them live last year

          • Owlswald

            Indeed it did. That outro…

          • MachoMadness5000

            I’ve given it 5 or 6 spins and while I recognize it’s greatness I just wish they went heavier.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I’d love it more if it went heavier. I liked the new Kvelertak more.

          • Owlswald

            The production makes it lose some heaviness. It doesn’t have as much girth as their previous albums and think it would have gone a long way on some of the tracks.

          • MachoMadness5000

            Totally agree. I find myself turning the volume way up in a desperate attempt to find some heavy crunchiness.

          • Shakes 999

            Hey youre right, this place IS better. I see where all the ok MS people went too.

          • MachoMadness5000

            Hell yeah.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Heyyyyy, that’s a good-

      • Seeing Lynch Mob tomorrow! What a packed weekend of musical glory. Gojria and Lynch Mob, hot damn!

        I listened through once now, it is not disappointing thus far.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I’m seeing them next Thursday.

        • Owlswald

          Just bought my ticket for Gojira & Tesseract in October.

          • Jealous, gonna have to pass on the first tour this time around! Killer combo if you ask me

          • Owlswald

            Yeah, it’s a great lineup. Tesseract is on another level thanks to Dan Thompkins. That guy is an incredible vocalist.

      • brokensnow

        Its good.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I will listen to it.

  • Edward/Breegrodamus™

    Rest in power, little guy ❤

  • Abradolf Lincler

    goddamnit dubs 🙁

  • Schubert sure looks like a little fellow for being an indoor cat. I do not know that combination could exist.

    • Dubbbz

      You’d have to ask Stocky, but I think some of those photos are from when he was a wee kitteh.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    RIP Schubert. My heart is broken.

  • Stanley

    That’s a damn fine obituary. What a class act. Hail Schubert!

  • EsusMoose

    Hail Schubert!

  • brokensnow

    aawwwww.

  • more beer

    Very sad.

  • Hail

  • Way back in the day, I recall Stockhausen posting a pic of his adorable cat and then following it up with “he pooped under the bed yesterday”. I guess you could say Schubert was a complex figure, like most of us.

    • brokensnow

      mmmmmm…I poop while reading Nietzche and whacking it……..complex…..?

    • Super Nintendo Chalmers

      To be fair, I think some of us readers have pooped under things we shouldn’t have pooped under.

      • Dubbbz

        I pooped in a trash bag once because I locked myself out of the house.

        • back when I was running 6 marathons a year, I pooped in a number of various public places on long runs. You gotta go fast!

          • Super Nintendo Chalmers

            Like Sonic.

          • Super Nintendo Chalmers

            I can’t believe sonic poop fanfic is an actual thing.

          • Dubbbz

            You’re friends with Randall Thor. Nothing should surprise you anymore.

          • brokensnow

            Amazing.

        • Sometimes I think I’m not really a mature adult, then I see stuff like this and realize I’m actually pretty good at life.

        • Super Nintendo Chalmers

          You couldn’t just poop in the bushes, or in some potted plants, like a regular person?

          • more beer

            Or the neighbor’s front porch.

          • Dubbbz

            Uh, this was when I was a teen still living with my parents, iirc. I had locked my keys in my truck after work so I couldn’t get in the house. I would have just pooped behind the shed in the backyard, but their backyard is literally a hill where every corner is exposed to the neighbors.(RFI)

        • Scrimm

          I had to go in a trash can on the stern of the tugboat I was pulling watch on one night cause the shitter clogged. I blamed it on one of the females on the crew and totally got away with it

          • Dubbbz

            HAHAHAHA

      • RJA

        I believe I have mentioned before – but I did poop in the corner of a parking garage in Chicago one time – great moment.

    • Pagliacci is Kvlt

      I too sometimes poop under the bed.

    • Stockhausen

      Truly. More than anything, he loved being a giant douche bag by doing something he wasn’t supposed to, then cuddling hard af to make you forget about it. Oh, and judging riffs (RFI).

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    The King is dead, Long Live the King.

  • Sir Tapir The Based

    The lord giveth and the lord taketh away. Good bye Mr. Cat.

  • Eliza

    Beautiful cat
    Wonderful pet
    Bringer of bliss
    Schubert, rest in peace.

  • God ov War

    HAIL SCHUBERT
    ;(

  • Rest in Power, kvlt kitty.

  • Stocky,

    If we all chipped in, would you get a memorial tattoo in honor of Schubert?

    GL

    http://www.tattoobite.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/cat-memorial-tattoo-on-arm.jpg

    • Just imagine…a porcelain throne with Schubert sitting on the back of the tank. Glorious.

    • Stockhausen

      YES

  • InfinityOfThoughts

    All hail our furry lord.

  • Hubert

    HAIL SCHUBERT

  • Scrimm

    Damn you 2016

  • Stockhausen

    Thanks for the wonderful eulogy Dubz, and for the condolences from around the bowl. Schubert is getting belly rubs and jumping on counters in Valhalla’s kitchen for all of his happy kitty eternity.

    • Eliza

      Deeply sorry for your loss.

      • Stockhausen

        Thank you. He was only 2 1/2, and it was really sudden, and it sucked a lot.

        • 5/2 of a life is too short.

        • Eliza

          For someone so young to go away like that, it’s hearbreaking. If there is a Heaven or something of the like out there, I’m sure he is living a good life there.

        • Abradolf Lincler

          how did he pass stocky?

          • Stockhausen

            He apparently had some heart condition that was always there, but basically undectectable on standard vet checkups. It built up a blood clot that was suddenly sent back into his legs and lungs. Once the clot hit, there wasn’t anything they could do.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            im sorry buddy

  • Waynecro

    You have my deepest and most heartfelt condolences, Stockhausen.

  • I am lost in a sea of internet cat obituary’s. Please come and save me.

  • Waynecro

    This eulogy made me hug my dog.

    • Eliza

      My cat came near me, and now I’m hugging him too.

    • Stockhausen

      You better believe I haven’t let go of my dog since.

      • Waynecro

        That’s a whole lot of feels, man. My dog is going to get so many extra treats later.

  • Good-bye Schubert and may your soul forever lives <3

    • Eliza

      He will live on in our hearts, memories and souls!

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    RIP Schubert

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Fare-well awesome cat. May your journeys in the lands beyond be heroic and happy. And deep condolences, Stockhausen.

  • Maik Beninton™
  • MachoMadness5000

    RIP Schubert. I never knew you but I sure wish I did.

  • BobLoblaw
    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      This is the only song I want played at my funeral. I want whoever I can get to play it live to do it as authentically as possible.

  • Condolences Stocky, while I’m not currently a pet owner myself, I’ve had dogs and cats in past and it’s like losing a family member when they pass away.

  • JWEG

    This made me want to pet Pumpkin, who usually spends her mornings in my room, but I forgot one thing… she really doesn’t like being disturbed when micro-sleeping.

    So I got bit. Gently. But still.

    She’s purring, though, so we’re obviously all good again. Was just a warning bite.

  • NefariousDude

    Hail Schubert! May he forever pounce upon the hapless souls of posers in Valhalla!

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    My dog’s not got many years left. Here is a picture of him queueing for some cashew nuts.