Gloryhammer – Rise Of The Chaos Wizards: A Video Breakdown

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Not the Chaos Wizards! NOT…THE…CHAOS…WIZARDS!!!!!

Gloryhammer is a vegan straightedge hardcore band from Philadelphia. Just kidding. You know exactly what type of band Gloryhammer is without even hearing a single note. The band features Alestorm vocalist Christopher Bowes on keys, so you know the band’s themes and content will be grounded in utter fantastical batshittery. Gloryhammer aren’t here to just serenade us with tales about dragonfucking. Gloryhammer is here to take us on a mystical journey where a level 50 light druid casts a binding spell upon the ice goblins of Nippletwistyheim. Or something. I’m not really sure. Maybe their new video for the song “Rise Of The Chaos Wizards” (yes, really) will answer some questions.

 

0:04: Oh, what a shock. They’re on Napalm Records.
0:10: Windows 95 screen savers have never been more epic.
0:25: Man, I am really sick of those “Mentos and Diet Coke” videos.
0:27: Hey, it’s Dave Wyndorf from Monster Magnet!
0:33: I know people said the “Green Lantern” movie sucked, but I had no idea.
0:40: Dork powers! Activate!
0:42: “Take that, girls who will never talk to me!”
0:48: I didn’t think it was possible, but those sunglasses actually make him even lamer.
0:53: Someone’s out-of-work nephew worked all day rendering those rock textures.
0:55: Space Lord mother mother.
1:00: 10 minutes in to “Listen to Blind Guardian and chill” and he gives you this look.
1:04: That beard is his security blanket.
1:08: Gloryhammer doesn’t need amps to know how to rock.
1:13: Or oxygen for that matter.
1:17: His chest glows whenever a limited edition Star Wars action figure is near.
1:20: I hope someone tips him over while wearing that suit and he can’t get up.
1:30: “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are my only hope.”
1:34: Courtney Love?
1:43: Some people may not like the name Gloryhammer.
1:47: I think it’s okay because it sounds like an awkward sexual maneuver that no one actually does, but still shows up on Urban Dictionary.
1:52: Like doing a “Cosby Sweater”, “Crusty Pirate” or a “Colorado Avalanche”.
1:56: The power of nerd compels you! The power of nerd compels you!
2:05: “Please Dave Wyndorf! We need the Bullgod now more than ever!”
2:09: I wonder if “Guy In Weird Space Lizard Costume” shows up on his IMDB page.
2:14: “May I have this danc…ach! Aarrgh why are you choking me?!”
2:20: So far this video has seen a shitload of asteroids and not too many hammers.
2:24: They should just change their name to Asteroid Hammer.
2:26: Or Glory Asteroid.
2:34: “What’s up, bitches?!”
2:40: “I was born underwater. I dried out in the sun.
2:43: First the Tupac hologram, now this.
2:47: Maybe next year we’ll get a GG Allin holograph throwing holographic shit on people.
2:54: If you order this album now, you get 2 limited-edition 100-sided Dungeons & Dragons dice.
3:02: “Rawwwwrr come at me, bro raaaawwwwr!”
3:10: Ah, there’s the hammer money shot.
3:14: I have a sneaking suspicion that they’ve been reusing a lot of the same shots…
3:23: Chaos Wizards. Can’t live with them, can’t fight a horde of space lizards without them.
3:28: Dorkus! Dominus! Lameus! Dominus!
3:32: I have nothing funny to say about this scene. I just want to bring it to your attention.
3:37: All that build up and he didn’t automatically crush his skull into jelly?
3:39: Ghetto Raiden to the rescue!
3:43: Also, why use a hammer when you can shoot lasers out of your chest?
3:45: “Tell my wife I died heroically!”
3:52: And why does he need sunglasses in space? Did he just go to the optometrist and get his pupils dilated?
3:58: Well that was all for nothing.

So that was Gloryhammer. Did you love it or were you polishing up the lockers for an epic shoving? Before you decide, it should be known that this is Gloryhammer’s lineup:

– Angus McFife XIII, Prince of the Galactic Empire of Fife: Voice Modulated Star Nucleus
– Hootsman, the Barbarian King of California: Trans-Dimensional Subsonic Cluster
– Ralathor, the Mysterious Spacehermit of the Cowdenbeath Sector: Percussive Phi-Quason Battery
– Ser Proletius, Grand Master of the Spaceknights of Crail: Dark Matter String Manipulation Interface
– Zargothrax, the Dark Sorcerer of Auchtermuchty: Positronic Oscillator Command

The decision is yours.

Gloryhammer’s album Space 1992: Rise Of The Chaos Wizards is out now via Napalm Records.

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  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    The picture alone at the top and the band name. No.

  • Heavy Metal Vagina Tit Booby Beer.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      This all day.

      EDIT: Titty Sprinkles.

      • Oh yeah, the Titty Sprinkles are a very nice touch. Well done son, get a Gatorade and take a knee. That was a good effort.

  • “Gloryhammer is here to take us on a mystical journey where a level 50 light druid casts a binding spell upon the ice goblins of Nippletwistyheim”

    Sounds fun

  • I have yet to listen to this album because the new A Sound of Thunder is destroying my ass.

    RIFFS RIFFS RIFFS RIFFS RIFFS

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ce4wkXLhB3k

  • Da fuck did I just watch?

  • Vote for Jeb

    Is this some elaborate spoof of Warhammer lore?

    • Chris is an ultra nerd, so possibly

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      I would go with “most likely”. Given that it’s a not-so-elaborate spoof of everything else as well.

    • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

      Im not as versed on Warhammer lore, though that stuff is pretty well archetypal as far as fantasy goes

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      War hammer 40k is metal as fuck, just ask every war metal band ever.

      Also, Bolt Thrower.

  • Maik Beninton™

    Well he looks like he’s having fun on this so aside from a little bit of locker shoving, ain’t nothing wrong with that.

  • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

    We’re gonna need a bigger locker…

    Oh, this will do nicely.

    http://thenextweb.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/1/files/2014/05/Amazon-Locker_Nissan.jpg

  • Waynecro

    “Someone’s out-of-work nephew worked all day rendering those rock textures.” +500 cool points.

  • Óðinn

    This band is not my cup of tea.

  • JamesGrimm

    Seems a bit trolly..

  • This is loud as fuck.

    That Napalm Records intro is loud as fuck.

    I can’t hear.

    But, it was fun!

    http://overyonderlust.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/head-explode.jpg

  • Scrimm

    NOOOOPE

  • if you need moar power merol, once the video is over click “Angus McFife” next!

    • Scrimm

      Nobody needs more power metal. Nobody.

  • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

    I like it

    • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

      What a positive year for us dragonfuckers

  • JJD Misses Witch Ripper

    I like this.

    • Maik Beninton™

      I actually liked that video.

      • JJD Misses Witch Ripper

        It was funny.

        • Maik Beninton™

          It was.

  • EsusMoose

    The video is lolzbutts, but the song has its moments that make its dragonfuckery alright

  • Boss the Ross

    Costume reminds me of this certain crossover comic

    • Maik Beninton™

      Just what I thought.

      • Boss the Ross

        I’m glad someone else knows about that comic.

        • Maik Beninton™

          I actually don’t but it’s still something that came to my mind.

        • I have just about all the Amalgam comics.

          • Boss the Ross

            Ha, nice. Same here. I can’t help but like the goofiness of it all. The biggest problem I had with the whole event was Wolverine beating Lobo. Thats just not possible.

          • Mine was Batman beating Captain America.

          • Boss the Ross

            I dont like how he beat him. Throwing a batarang and knocking him out while dodging a simultaneous shield throw? Lame.

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    Nippletwistyheim > Bitesareolatoohardshire

  • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

    This album is pretty well the jam.

    #BBAPPROVED

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    The Corpsepaint, Cosplay, & Glory Tour 2016
    featuring:
    -Behemoth
    -Ghost
    -GWAR
    -Amon Amarth
    -Abbath
    -Portal
    -Finntroll
    -Ghoul
    -Inquisition
    -Carach Angren
    -Gloryhammer
    -Nekrogoblikon
    -Mortiis, who’s apparently still a thing…
    -Mac Sabbath
    & more TBA!

    • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

      Would go see/bazillion

  • Óðinn
  • Óðinn

    Rand Paul allies plead not guilty in Iowa endorsement scandal:

    http://www.cleveland.com/rnc-2016/index.ssf/2015/08/rand_paul_allies_plead_not_gui.html

    • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

      The libertarian party is an exercise in failure

      Also this is concerning the election from 4 years ago. Go figure. Who can tell the difference

      • Óðinn

        Agreed.

        • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

          I used to be a libertarian, then i realized that the representation for the subset was a red herring for big money.

          Christian corpratists and shills, the whole envelope

          • Óðinn

            Corporations do use misinformation to fuel the rage of the population, and then focus that rage in the wrong direction. I think a lot of Libertarian politics seems reasonable on the surface. But when you peel back a couple of layers, you realize that it just doesn’t add up under closer scrutiny.

          • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

            No “conservative” policy lives up to scrutiny.

            Conservative in the US is synonymous with backwards, racist, misogynist, hypocritical, irrational, illogical.

          • Óðinn

            It seems we are in agreement. Personally, I prefer a democracy with a market that has some limits and a strong social safety net. I’m not in favor of the privatization of things like prisons, healthcare, water supply, fire departments, public education, pensions, and certain utilities. I believe that certain things need to be protected against pure capitalism rather than being completely subject to capitalism.

  • The single most glorious video I’ve ever seen.

    • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

      Whats the temp up in boone, bro?

      • 64 right now. It has been raining for five fucking days straight. I’m beginning to develop gills and fins.

        • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

          The same in avl, winter is coming tho

  • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS
    • Hey, this drummer is my touring vocalist.

      • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

        Hey tell him i said hello, i saw them a long time ago

        • Ok, he lives in Florida. So, I’ll just screen capture your beard for him.

          • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

            Thats fine. Its as close as most people get

    • Óðinn

      You’re right. These guys are good, BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS. They don’t get enough attention.

    • Vote for Jeb

      I dug Riders of the Plague and Enemy Unbound quite a bit.