Phil Labonte, Libertarian Crusader, Needs Your Charity

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[DEAFENING FART NOISES]

Also-ran metalcore band All That Remains will release a new album in 2017. On Friday, the band put up a Pledge Music campaign to raise some funds for the endeavor. Want to see an acoustic All That Remains performance and have $75,000 burning a hole in your Ed Hardy’s? The band’s got you covered, fam. If that’s too steep for your budget, there is a more affordable pledge option available.

For years, thrifty individuals that wanted to spend an hour getting yelled at by a xenophobic manlet with a chinstrap beard could visit 4chan, Twitter, Reddit, Breitbart, MMA forums, Tea Party rallies, or extended family Thanksgiving dinners and get all the willfully ignorant vitriol they could take for the low, low price of zero dollars. It is frankly disgusting that any service of this caliber would be provided for free. Thankfully, the Free Market has corrected this perversion of capitalism. Phil Labonte, vocalist of All That Remains, is willing to scream at you about LIBERTY for a mere $250 an hour.

labonte-molests-colliesEver wondered the opinions of possibly the most politically informed and opinionated singer in rock and roll? No, Jello Biafra has been pretty up front with his opinions since the 70s. Now is your chance to have the political conversation of your life with the man himself – Phil Labonte. You’re sure to impress your friends with political know how after this 1 hour Skype session. If Labonte’s Twitter feed is any indication of how this Skype session would go, I hope your friends are impressed with alt-right memes and pictures of guns.

Libertarian Philosophy doesn’t require a full hour to explain. It can be summed up in the three words that all Libertarians believe with hilarious sincerity: “Taxation is theft”. Libertarians desperately desire a world free from regulations, government, and the tyranny of taxes. They genuinely want government services to be abolished and replaced with offerings from private industry. Under libertarian principles, public schools would be a thing of the past. Poor children who could not afford private school can pull themselves up by the bootstraps and work in an unregulated factory for whatever wage their employer deigned acceptable because a minimum wage would be dismantled.

But Libertarian policies aren’t all sunshine and exploited children. Without government spending, the United States would be without our interstate highway system which would make it very difficult for Libertarians to purchase bullets at their local Wal-Mart. Without government cooperation, the Internet would never have been created, which would make it very difficult to Libertarians to post memes about guns and liberty to their social media accounts. Without government regulation, citizens would have the liberty to purchase tainted food and drugs. Granted, the free market would eventually reward corporations that prefer to manufacture medicine that doesn’t kill consumers, it’s a little hard to exercise freedom of choice when you’re dead from an overdose of liberty and also cadmium. You may be dead, but at least you didn’t have to pay taxes.

It’s an appealing ethos for people that believe they can be self-sufficient without essential government resources, but no one loves libertarian policies more than the obscenely wealthy. Captains of industry could finally forge their businesses without regulation. It is unsurprising that the most prominent Libertarians on Earth are the Koch Brothers. In the late 70s, Reason, a Libertarian magazine funded by the Koch bros, produced a guide for duping the common man into buying into the bullshit. You should read the full thing, but I’d like to call out my favorite crock of shit from the guide:

Libertarianism for decent folk. A decent, hard-working, never-thinking bloke will not buy “individual rights”—he does not understand what you are talking about. It is quite too late to send him to a Montessori kindergarten to develop his conceptual faculty. Instead, what you can do is to explain to him that libertarianism is just against one thing: CRIME. By crime you mean just what he means: theft, robbery, kidnapping, enslavement. He will of course agree, because he thinks this is obvious. Then you just explain (at great length, and with many examples) that taxation is armed robbery, that inflation through deficit spending and money printing is theft—as well as forgery of money—that [the] draft is basically kidnapping, etc.

But don’t just take my word for it, gentle reader. I encourage anyone that desires to embrace this totally legitimate and not-at-all-sociopathic ideology to make a pilgrimage to Earth’s sole Libertarian mecca, a land free of crime: Somalia.

Clearly, I have been indoctrinated by the liberal media and communist college professors. I need your help to be less of a whiny, liberal douche, which is why I am asking you to give me money so that I may learn the finer points of Libertarian philosophy from Phil “Galt” Labonte. $250 is a small price to pay for the unique insight of a Mises Fellow dude that does wack clean vocals in a metalcore band. Donate to my GoFundMe now!

RON PAUL 2012.

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