Gimme Something to Watch: Turbulence 3 Heavy Metal

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This isn’t the third documentary in a series about turbulence affecting heavy, metal-clad aircraft, although you’ll wish it was.

Browsing for something interesting to watch these days can be a chore. Why check out the latest award-winning films or the newest original drama series when you can just scroll around for the most interesting cover art? Hey, I like heavy metal! I like shooting lightning out of my eyes! I like (to hate) turbulence! This movie was made for me! And possibly you! Or neither of us!

Slade Craven, rock superstar and reigning king of Death Metal, has planned a concert unlike anything the world has ever seen. He’ll be performing for a cargo load of lucky fans onboard a 747 jumbo jet as it flies from Los Angeles to Toronto. The entire spectacle will be broadcast on the Internet via Web music network ZTV. But murder and mayhem take over as one sadistic fan hijacks the plane and kills anyone who gets in the way of his ultimate satanic plan!

Yep, it’s an “evil rocker” movie. You can probably guess that “death metal” as used in the above description came from the mind of a middle-aged screenwriter whose familiarity with metal ended sometime in the early 80s. A guy named Slade Craven (our hero?) is an eyebrow-shaving, face-painting Marilyn Manson facsimile clad head to toe in shiny black Hot Topic gear.

craven_airport*irritated sigh*

He’s rich, he’s famous, he has millions thousands hundreds about two dozen fans, and he carts around a band of dudes who look like they made it to the final round of Supermarket Sweep for cheap dollar store costume gear instead of actual groceries. Vinyl! Chains! Collars! Piercings!

band_1They’re all named Brad

As per the description above, the band is playing a live webcast concert (in 2001!) on the roomiest and most stable airplane ever, where I’m sure nothing can possiblie go wrong… I mean possibly go wrong. The music network even sent a generic blonde reporter to comment generically and blondely on stuff.

genericreporter“Planes have wings, wow!” *hair flip*

Things start to go wrong almost immediately when we learn that the evil rocker’s signature phrase is an unironic “Alright boys, let’s do the hustle,” which kinda undermines the whole evil rocker thing, but not really because look at him for fuck’s sake. The band then takes the “stage” somewhere in the “plane” to play a crappy techno-rock anthem you can buy on iStock for 99¢ before Slade abandons the show for unknown reasons…

awfulstageshow

FRRRRRRP_uh-oh*frrrrrrrppp*                                                      “Uh oh…”

But what reasons could those be, you ask? I’ll bet this unlikely team of an FBI agent and a secretive hacker can help uncover some clues as to all the hullabaloo and goings-on with the live webcast! Oh man, how will they ever learn to work together? Seriously though take a good look at the image below, because those two shots take up half the goddamned length of the movie.

everyfuckingshotThe Ambien Duo

The ever-increasing count of viewers to the webcast has something to do with a prophecy, an evil society and a church in Kansas (?). Only through diligent and dedicated work staring sleepily at their computer screens and browsing the internet for homemade Geocities pages can the Ambien Duo prevent a terrible tragedy!

prophecyofbuttBad graphics = EVIL

Also Rutger Hauer and Joe Mantegna are in this movie too although they don’t really do anything cool so forget I said anything.

hauermontegnaA majestic wild Hauer and a Montegna office drone 

So anyway, it’s revealed that [KEY PLOT POINTS REDACTED] because [REDACTED] wants to [REDACTED] and then finally later this happens:

landingtehplanelol“Gggg… gghh… GAAAAHH!”

In conclusion, Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal is definitely a very good interesting worthwhile passable kinda okay film that you must should might watch someday. When that day finally comes, check it out on YouTube or Netflix.

(header image via)

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