Gimme Something to Watch: Turbulence 3 Heavy Metal

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This isn’t the third documentary in a series about turbulence affecting heavy, metal-clad aircraft, although you’ll wish it was.

Browsing for something interesting to watch these days can be a chore. Why check out the latest award-winning films or the newest original drama series when you can just scroll around for the most interesting cover art? Hey, I like heavy metal! I like shooting lightning out of my eyes! I like (to hate) turbulence! This movie was made for me! And possibly you! Or neither of us!

Slade Craven, rock superstar and reigning king of Death Metal, has planned a concert unlike anything the world has ever seen. He’ll be performing for a cargo load of lucky fans onboard a 747 jumbo jet as it flies from Los Angeles to Toronto. The entire spectacle will be broadcast on the Internet via Web music network ZTV. But murder and mayhem take over as one sadistic fan hijacks the plane and kills anyone who gets in the way of his ultimate satanic plan!

Yep, it’s an “evil rocker” movie. You can probably guess that “death metal” as used in the above description came from the mind of a middle-aged screenwriter whose familiarity with metal ended sometime in the early 80s. A guy named Slade Craven (our hero?) is an eyebrow-shaving, face-painting Marilyn Manson facsimile clad head to toe in shiny black Hot Topic gear.

craven_airport*irritated sigh*

He’s rich, he’s famous, he has millions thousands hundreds about two dozen fans, and he carts around a band of dudes who look like they made it to the final round of Supermarket Sweep for cheap dollar store costume gear instead of actual groceries. Vinyl! Chains! Collars! Piercings!

band_1They’re all named Brad

As per the description above, the band is playing a live webcast concert (in 2001!) on the roomiest and most stable airplane ever, where I’m sure nothing can possiblie go wrong… I mean possibly go wrong. The music network even sent a generic blonde reporter to comment generically and blondely on stuff.

genericreporter“Planes have wings, wow!” *hair flip*

Things start to go wrong almost immediately when we learn that the evil rocker’s signature phrase is an unironic “Alright boys, let’s do the hustle,” which kinda undermines the whole evil rocker thing, but not really because look at him for fuck’s sake. The band then takes the “stage” somewhere in the “plane” to play a crappy techno-rock anthem you can buy on iStock for 99¢ before Slade abandons the show for unknown reasons…

awfulstageshow

FRRRRRRP_uh-oh*frrrrrrrppp*                                                      “Uh oh…”

But what reasons could those be, you ask? I’ll bet this unlikely team of an FBI agent and a secretive hacker can help uncover some clues as to all the hullabaloo and goings-on with the live webcast! Oh man, how will they ever learn to work together? Seriously though take a good look at the image below, because those two shots take up half the goddamned length of the movie.

everyfuckingshotThe Ambien Duo

The ever-increasing count of viewers to the webcast has something to do with a prophecy, an evil society and a church in Kansas (?). Only through diligent and dedicated work staring sleepily at their computer screens and browsing the internet for homemade Geocities pages can the Ambien Duo prevent a terrible tragedy!

prophecyofbuttBad graphics = EVIL

Also Rutger Hauer and Joe Mantegna are in this movie too although they don’t really do anything cool so forget I said anything.

hauermontegnaA majestic wild Hauer and a Montegna office drone 

So anyway, it’s revealed that [KEY PLOT POINTS REDACTED] because [REDACTED] wants to [REDACTED] and then finally later this happens:

landingtehplanelol“Gggg… gghh… GAAAAHH!”

In conclusion, Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal is definitely a very good interesting worthwhile passable kinda okay film that you must should might watch someday. When that day finally comes, check it out on YouTube or Netflix.

(header image via)

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  • God

    *turns on netflix*

    Well time to turn my brain off.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      ..

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Rutger didnt do anything cool? He’s on a hoarse with a Falcon and Excalibur. I mean what else can a guy do to look cool?

    • Guacamole Jim

      Not the same movie. Or at least I don’t think so. Unless he accidentally wandered onto the set of this movie while filming Ladyhawke. Actually, I choose to believe that’s exactly what happened.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        And now for something completely different…lol.

        My bad, it seemed a bit random!

      • The W.

        Ah man, I had forgotten about Ladyhawke. May need to grab my sipping horn and fire that up.

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          “grab my sipping horn” wink wink

        • Guacamole Jim

          Soundtrack produced by Alan Parsons and composed by Andrew Powell (who arranged and conducted all the orchestras for the Alan Parsons Project albums)?? It may be my favourite movie ever.

          I really have a horrifying boner for Alan Parsons.

        • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander

          Man, Michelle Pfeiffer was adorable back in the day.

          • The W.

            This hit, that ice cold
            Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold

          • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander

            I’ve heard Ms. Pfeiffer likes to get funky.

            http://i.giphy.com/btOcy8HG6wmbu.gif

          • Lacertilian

            As an 8 year old seeing Batman Returns on the big screen, I think even then my young mind was thinking more sordid things than her being adorable.

          • simply the best Batman adaptation thus far

          • Lacertilian

            I think I saw it 3 times at the movies.
            One of them was I got tickets from a colouring in competition or something, free Maccas and movies. haha

          • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander

            That too.

  • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander

    “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time… like tears in rain… Time to die.”

    http://www.wow247.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Roy-Batty-Gif.gif

    • Trees ‘n Shit is Kvlt O)))

      I smelled Schubert’s kitty litter in the dark near the Stockhausen gate.

      • Stockhausen

        Pretty sure you’re thinking of Wagner bro. But here’s a Schubert pic anyway.

        • it’s too late for us to be awake.
          super cute.

          • Le Tapir The Based

            What do you mean late? It’s 13:00!

    • Nineinchneurosis

      Holy shit that’s my favorite movie.

  • And the award for Best Newfangled Adverb of the Year goes to . . . *drum roll* . . .

    “Blondely”

    Well done, CO.

    • ME GORAK™

      GORAK NOT BIG FAN OF GRAMMAR AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!

      • *GORAK NOT BIG FAN OF GRAMMAR!!!

        Fixed.

        • ME GORAK™

          *GORAK NOT BIG FAN OF PROPER SYNTAX!!!

          FIXED!

          • *GORAK SMASH!!!!

            Fixed-ed-ed

          • ME GORAK™

            SMASH!!!

          • Count_Breznak

            That is a very inefficient way to hold a club.

  • Guacamole Jim

    CO proves once again that he’s the funniest robot I know.

    http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m85cz52ync1qjemo2o1_400.gif

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    I refuse to believe that Hauer had anything to do with a movie that isn’t A++ level at least.

  • Omfg…

  • Turbulence IV: JAZZ
    Turbulence V: CALYPSO
    Turbulence VI: ZYDECO
    Turbulence VII: CRUNKCORE

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I get the sinking feeling this also features neither tits, blood, limb breaking nor stuff getting blowed up good. Original Turbulence excepted (I think), were there any legit examples of this kind of stuff post ’95 or so?

    • The W.

      One answer: Snakes on a Plane.

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        That was pretty righteous. Actually I also like Flight of the Living Dead. Predates The Asylum in making a virtue of extreme silliness, and beats quite a lot of theirs too.

        I was mostly thinking about mindless straight to video action in general though. A lot of that stuff used to rock pretty hard, but I can’t think of a good un for ages.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Nope none of that. Very tame and very cheesy.

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Aww dear.

  • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander

    I thought Rutger Hauer was really terrifying in The Hitcher (Original).

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1j130d4W04

    • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander
      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Such a great movie. Love the ambiguous weirdness underlying it all, like you can’t tell whether Hauer wants to fuck Howell, or whether he is Howell, or whether he wants Howell to kill him but has to test him first or whatever. Good creepy crawly edge to it.

        • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander

          Well put. Hauer nailed it, the perfect role for him.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            That and Roy Baty of course.

  • Mon*Star

    THIS. While it might be a stretch to go around saying I ‘love’ this movie, let’s say I have a strong like for it. Super entertaining. And as an Alice Cooper superfan I could trace just about everything Slade Craven does back to the old man himself.

  • This sounds too awful not to watch or is it?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      It’s worth beering your way through.

  • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander

    It may seem safe to rip ass in the comfort of your own cubical at work, until the office manger walks in 15 seconds later to ask a question but gets a ripe whiff of festering fish tacos and beer from last night instead.

    • Howard Dean

      Done that before. Super fucking awkward. That’s when you almost want to say something to them or even apologize, because it might even quell some of the awkwardness, but you don’t, and you just sit there and wallow with them in the necrostench of digestion.

  • CT-12

    Great writeup man, you’re killing me dude hahaha! I think I have to watch this bag of shit now haha

  • Lisbeth (Tyree) Salander

    I don’t know what this movie is, but I want to see it. Rutger Hauer and Stallone.

    http://i.giphy.com/87M7vq8XH1SRa.gif

  • JamesGrimm
    • wholly shiite i loved this band in high scholl…………

    • this tugs at my nostalgia boners. fiercely. going to dig up my old compact discs and jam. thx bby.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      WTF