Gimme Something To Watch: Satanic Cults and Ritual Crime


Are you under the influence of Satan? You might be! Watch this video to find out!

If you lived through the mid-to-late 80s or have seen important documentaries like Trick or Treat and Black Roses, you know about the Satanic Panic epidemic – where everyone in the US assumed their teenage son or daughter was under the influence of Lucifer himself through the evil music of Def Leppard and ran off at night to steal babies and breed them with demons by playing D&D in the woods or what the fuck ever. It led to many years of fearful, out of touch parents distrusting anything heavier than the Beach Boys and assuming any youngster wearing too much black or hanging out with their godless black-clad teenage friends was on a mission from the Father of Lies to personally bring about the Apocalypse by, uh… hanging a Slayer poster in their bedroom.

Lucky for us here in 2016, it also led to hilarious safety & awareness videos like the one below, where sad little video production studios spent actual time and money assembling, narrating and “researching” the warning signs of satanic influence. Let’s all point and laugh at this hilarious VHS relic that nowadays would look right at home in a Tim & Eric sketch or an Everything Is Terrible video.

Keep an eye and ear out for all the classic rock & heavy metal references that, at the time, some people actually believed were indications of worshiping a horned goat-man who lives in a fucking cave of fire, or a frozen lake if they remembered their Divine Comedy assignment from high school. That’s right, listening to Ozzy Osbourne‘s “Fire In The Sky” (9:34) or “Bloodbath In Paradise” (11:15) means you are under the influence of the devil, THE DEVIL, and may potentially sacrifice a goat on the bus going to school or a rape a chicken on your way to the dentist or some other nonsense.

Here are some other key messages you won’t want to miss:


Me-oriented?! That defines literally everyone reading this right now.


If you have friends, you’re a filthy fucking satanist.


Pyromania. Pyro = fire = hell = THE DEVIL. ‘Nuff said.




Cable access shows were pretty weird back in the day.


“We can’t have our ‘special night’ without a little herb. Let’s steal it from our demon-son.”




*bong noises*


See, this is what a REAL family looks like: bad hair, rockin’ mustache, confused child.


This child has sacrificed a bicycle to Satan. He’s not a very good satanist, but in time he’ll learn.

This video is the best 13 minutes you’ll spend all day. You get to learn about cults, lol at bad 80s fashion and flaunt your true evil kvlt nature in the face of an olde-timey moral panic. If I ever go on tour someday, this video is going to be my opening act.

5 / 5 Toilets Ov Hell


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  • Dubbbz

    A week or two ago, I watched a documentary called Cropsey about the Staten Island child killer. There was a pretty humorous segment where people were talking about satanic cults.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I saw that as well, interesting subject.

      • Dubbbz

        I liked the way they framed it. Just presented the facts known about Andre Rand in a very neutral way and just kinda left it there.

    • Tim Wilsön

      The closest thing to the pantomime satanic cults that actually exist are in India. Quite a few instances of people sacrificing children to Kali in really rural villages. Fucking creepy

    • JWEG

      I’ve read about that, but haven’t seen it…

      I don’t remember any Satanism in ‘The Burning’, but some Wikipedia editor out there really doesn’t want anyone to gloss over the link between the two works.

    • CyberneticOrganism


      • the full comic is MAGNIFICENT

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I bet. I like the one about “Hell Houses,” the weird alternative to haunted houses where instead of zombies and other Halloween shit jumping out at you, they talk about the horrors of hell if you haven’t been saved.

          • Oh man. I recall going to those as a kid : /

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Wow, really?

          • Dubbbz

            I never did, but I’m pretty sure my sister did.

          • Yeah… I had to do all the crazy southern baptist shit as a child. None of it was fun and I’m still bitter.

          • Fun fact. My youth group skipped a group worship event on a mission trip to go hang out in New Orleans. Our Youth Pastor made the call.

            I still love that guy

            Only rule was “seriously guys we’re skipping worship don’t go into the voodoo shops please”

          • CyberneticOrganism

            New Orleans >>>>>>>

          • Interestingly enough, one of my Christian friends shared an excellent article about 9 sins that Christians are totally okay with “as long as you love Jesus.”

            Fear is one of them!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Sometimes I get hungry immediately after eating, but don’t act on it for fear of a fiery eternity being pitchforked in the ass.

            Is that a sin?

          • The only sin here is your lack of devotion to power metal

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Power metal leads to dragonfucking

          • No, that’s a lie told you by those who want you to remain a poser until death.

            Power metal leads to indisputable glory

      • IronLawnmower


      • InfinityOfThoughts

        Lesson of the day: don’t fuck with Debbie.

  • I blame this douchebag for this nonsense. And Gary Gygax.

    • Joaquin Stick

      Is that a GL under the symbol? Someone here has some explaining to do…


    • more beer

      But did the neighbors dog tell him to kill like this guy. On a side note he lived down the block from one of my aunts.

  • I did a thesis in college examining the correlation between metal and violence. My findings were that there was no correlation. I should have done a follow up to see if there was a link between dipshits and stupid ideas.

    • Max

      A link between dipshits and stupid ideas? There’d be too much evidence to collate; you’d never finish college.

  • JWEG

    lack of closeness

    You’d think Moral Guardians would be more worried about “lack of clothes-ness” … which they are, but evidently not as much.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Extreme Sexiness Leads To Devil, Nakedness

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I bet more dangerous maniacs listen to, like Hanson and stuff than metal.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Or anyone who listens to bro country

      • Abradolf Lincler

        or gospel

    • Grandpa’s Magic Fleshlight

      Probably more like Bieber and Beyonce. Their fans are just a little loco in the coco, if the hundreds of articles out there about them is any indication. Getting stabby is seemingly ALWAYS in their equation.

  • Joaquin Stick

    “as many as 60,000 human sacrifices per year” lol. These facts are so factual.

  • “If you have friends, you’re a filthy fucking satanist.”

    HAIL! lol


  • Sure, you are into Satan, but are you into Van Halen???


  • Joaquin Stick

    GUYS! I found out what the most satanic color is, according to Hex Codes and this new fact that 666FFF is obviously the numbers and letters of the beast. (RFI)

  • Sure just draw a trangle on the ground in chalk and Boom! – Instant demon. Thanks for the life tip Satan Doc.

  • Abradolf Lincler

    First of all, playing D&D in the woods is a great way to lose your favorite miniatures, or get all your nice cardboard stock wet and muddy.

    Hail, Sathanas!

    • Abradolf Lincler

      @2:10 that guy looks a lot like me

  • Megan Alexandra

    “have a great summer” I am deceased

  • IronLawnmower

    What a weird way to end a trip.

  • ..

    • brokensnow

      oh hai Dave.

  • Max

    I laughed at the Randall Thor reference. And using this video as the intro tape for your live set is actually a good idea.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I totally, totally would, at least a couple minutes of it. Just gotta work on the whole “getting a band” part.

  • Hans Müller

    6:00 – Can confirm. Have been trespassing in the name of Satan for years now. In my defense, my badass cowl makes it a little hard to see where I’m stepping.

  • CyberneticOrganism


    • Lacertilian

      This dude read Randall’s hedonist manifesto?

      • Dubbbz


        • Lacertilian

          I had that written originally but didn’t think he’d see it, he’s too busy cutting up corpses these days.
          Randall seemed an apt substitute with his penchant for personal pizzas.

    • Grandpa’s Magic Fleshlight

      Wow, they even managed to bring John Holmes on board!!!! Or maybe that’s the one guy from Manos The Hands Of Fate.

  • Kyle Reese

    Dark Messenger!

  • Waynecro

    I wasn’t aware of this satanic peril when I was growing up. Man, maybe I have no friends now because every kid I would have befriended in my youth was killed by a satanic cult. I do seem to recall my first-grade class getting smaller and smaller every week. I guess even Christian schools weren’t safe. I better get some hypnosis done to recover some memories.

  • InfinityOfThoughts

    So back when I was in Sunday School (shudder), I had two teachers. One, who was your typical Sunday School guy, constantly taught us lessons from the Bible and told us not to listen to popular music because it would make us, “masturbate and have intercourse”. I’m pretty sure we were forced to watch this video as well.

    The second teacher basically threw the Bible out the window and had us meditate, full on Buddhist style. He also told us to be ourselves and do as we pleased as long as we didnt hurt each other and ourselves. To this day, I don’t know how for the life of me he was hired to teach Catholic bullshit, but man he was the best.

  • There are neither enough lolz…

    …nor buttz…

    …in the lolbuttz cache…


  • swastiker?