Gimme Something To Watch: Satanic Cults and Ritual Crime

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Are you under the influence of Satan? You might be! Watch this video to find out!

If you lived through the mid-to-late 80s or have seen important documentaries like Trick or Treat and Black Roses, you know about the Satanic Panic epidemic – where everyone in the US assumed their teenage son or daughter was under the influence of Lucifer himself through the evil music of Def Leppard and ran off at night to steal babies and breed them with demons by playing D&D in the woods or what the fuck ever. It led to many years of fearful, out of touch parents distrusting anything heavier than the Beach Boys and assuming any youngster wearing too much black or hanging out with their godless black-clad teenage friends was on a mission from the Father of Lies to personally bring about the Apocalypse by, uh… hanging a Slayer poster in their bedroom.

Lucky for us here in 2016, it also led to hilarious safety & awareness videos like the one below, where sad little video production studios spent actual time and money assembling, narrating and “researching” the warning signs of satanic influence. Let’s all point and laugh at this hilarious VHS relic that nowadays would look right at home in a Tim & Eric sketch or an Everything Is Terrible video.

Keep an eye and ear out for all the classic rock & heavy metal references that, at the time, some people actually believed were indications of worshiping a horned goat-man who lives in a fucking cave of fire, or a frozen lake if they remembered their Divine Comedy assignment from high school. That’s right, listening to Ozzy Osbourne‘s “Fire In The Sky” (9:34) or “Bloodbath In Paradise” (11:15) means you are under the influence of the devil, THE DEVIL, and may potentially sacrifice a goat on the bus going to school or a rape a chicken on your way to the dentist or some other nonsense.

Here are some other key messages you won’t want to miss:

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Me-oriented?! That defines literally everyone reading this right now.

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If you have friends, you’re a filthy fucking satanist.

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Pyromania. Pyro = fire = hell = THE DEVIL. ‘Nuff said.

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WOOOOOO DIO!!!

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Cable access shows were pretty weird back in the day.

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“We can’t have our ‘special night’ without a little herb. Let’s steal it from our demon-son.”

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“Says here ‘HAVE A GREAT SUMMER – RANDALL THOR’.”

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*bong noises*

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See, this is what a REAL family looks like: bad hair, rockin’ mustache, confused child.

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This child has sacrificed a bicycle to Satan. He’s not a very good satanist, but in time he’ll learn.

This video is the best 13 minutes you’ll spend all day. You get to learn about cults, lol at bad 80s fashion and flaunt your true evil kvlt nature in the face of an olde-timey moral panic. If I ever go on tour someday, this video is going to be my opening act.

5 / 5 Toilets Ov Hell

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