Gimme Something to Watch: Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue

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Fuck yeah Just Say No!

For those of you too young to remember the halcyon days of the 90s, allow me to share some experiences of my youth. At my small town Texas public school we participated in Red-Ribbon Week. This was a yearly exercise in forced rallies, marches, and assorted other nonsense that aimed to keep the kids off the drugs. This week was in addition to regular compulsory attendance at weekly D.A.R.E. classes that taught me more government-mandated knowledge about the dangers of drugs than the single day of abstinence-only sex education that constitutes my complete understanding of human reproduction to this day. “Just Say No” was the mantra of the time, and I’m still haunted by the “Say No, Just Say No” chant schoolchildren were required to recite ad nauseam as we marched through nearby neighborhoods once a year.

If you have half a brain and a remote understanding of the world, you know that the War on Drugs was a colossal failure and “Just say no” is the fitting obituary of Nancy Reagan. Draconian drug laws have ruined generations of poor families in America and resulted in untold death and destruction across the globe. Mercifully, the United States is slooooowly starting to understand the dire consequences of this useless fight. Just try not to think of the gooey plastic bags of human flesh depicted in Sicario the next time you want to do a line of marijuana. Much of the propaganda of this era is still impressed upon me, naturally, because it was all designed for children.

Which brings us to Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue. If future historians uncovered this film in a time capsule, this 1990 cartoon would provide everything they need to know about the last decade of the 20th century in the United States: Mega conglomerations banded together to sell fast food and toys to American children with the threat that weed would surely end their young lives if they ever made the woeful decision to toke up on Mary Jane.

SPOILERS BELOW! If you don’t want me to ruin the plot of a 26-year old corporate-sponsored government propaganda cartoon, don’t read this!

You know you’ve got some pure, Grade-A, uncut propaganda when your film opens with Barbara and then-President George H.W. Bush openly condescending the children of America.

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue is the powerful story of a teenager dealing with drug and alcohol abuse. Some of your favorite cartoon characters will help you understand how drugs and alcohol can ruin your life. So watch the program, talk about it with your family, and make the right decision. Stay away from drugs and alcohol.”

I vaguely remember harassing my father for an entire evening for having TWO BEERS with his friends when I was about seven years old. Add turning children into Fun Nazis to the laundry list of crimes George H.W. Bush has never had to answer for. I’m sorry dad, the President told me to totally fuck up your night.

Our cartoon begins in a world that literally every child of the 90s lived in, white suburbia. All is not well in the confines of this safe space, as a menacing hand reaches into a young girl’s bedroom to totally gank her piggybank.

Worlds be colliding as a bunch of corporate properties begin clashing to remedy this heinous act. The Smurfs send out a mothersmurfing alarm, Alf threatens to eat Garfield the cat, Alvin & The Chipmunks show up to suck giant squirrel balls, Winnie the Pooh offers comforting nonsense, Kermit the Frog becomes sentient as a Muppet Baby alarm clock, and Slimer from Ghostbusters appears for no reason at all. They are all determined to recover the piggy bank for Corey, the sleeping young girl.

Their exhaustive search finds the kartoon kavalcade in the adjacent bedroom of her brother Michael, a teenage hooligan if there ever was one. Michael heartlessly smashes Corey’s piggybank and remarks “There must be twenty bucks in here, easy”. The cartoons hide under Michael’s bed and find his druggy stash box. “What’s in that box?” a moronic cartoon asks. “Marijuana, an unlawful substance used to experience an artificial high,” remarks an oddly street-wise Chipmunk.

Michael has been shamefully lighting that reefer smack. Because children are stupid, his high/addiction is helpfully illustrated by a shady smoke monster in a suit that follows him everywhere he goes.

It’s lit fam

Michael meets his fellow ne’er-do-wells at the local video arcade to ingest more drugs. One hooligan friend offers Michael some kind of squishy white mystery drug. (I have no idea what this drug is supposed to be. If you know, please let me know in the comments). Fortunately, cops show up and these rat bastard teenagers flee the scene. Michael’s smoke monster buddy abandons him as a police officer approaches from around the corner. The cop turns out to be Bugs Bunny, and he’s there to cram Michael into a time machine so that he can see how his past and future casual pot usage will surely end his life.

blaze it lol

The pair travel two years into the past to the fateful day that Michael’s idyllic boyhood was shattered forever. As young Michael is playing frisbee in the park, he encounters some older kids who peer pressure him into smoking their ditch weed, because as we all know, popular older kids love to give away their drugs to random younger kids.

Back at the house, Winnie the Pooh, little bitch that he is, justifies narcing on Michael to Corey. She attempts to tell her father that something is weird with Michael. Her father replies, “Being weird is just part of being a teenager. He’ll grow out of it” which is somehow the most wildly inaccurate bit of dialog in the film.

Michael burns dank nugs in the park with friends when one remarks, “For ten bucks I can score us some crack.” For the drug-free youth, this is exactly how drugs affect your behavior. Smoking pot WILL make you desire crack cocaine. Michael’s friend steals his wallet and runs off to purchase some sweet crack rocks while the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles show up for a totally TUBULAR intervention. This is where our plot goes off the rails.

when the kush too loud

Muppet Babies take Michael on a roller coaster ride through his drug-addled brain to show him all the scary synapses and dragons that live inside of it. It seems remarkably scientific. Michael then falls off his skateboard because he’s too high, which LOL, you got me Cartoon All-Stars, that’s an actual thing I’ve done. The DuckTales kids show up to further torture Michael with a terrible song about Just Saying No.

Michael wakes from his nightmare of cartoons yelling a song at him and immediately hits his stashbox. His narc sister barges in the room and attempts to ruin his stone sesh. Alf summons Michael to a nightmarish carnival. Michael is forced to look into a funhouse mirror in which he sees himself as a strung-out junkie on a month-long meth binge.

The various intellectual properties team up to murder Michael as he desperately tries to escape the hellish dimension he has been thrust into. Eventually he comes to Daffy Duck dressed as a fortune teller who shows Michael his future as a shriveled fucking corpse.

Too lit

Ultimately, the cumulative peer pressure and psychological trauma enacted upon him by a group of technicolor sXe warriors causes Michael to change his ways and live the straight life. Corey somehow convinces Michael to tell their parents about his pot smoking, which, c’mon kid, you’re in the clear. Quit while you’re ahead. The entire cast of corporate entities promise they will assist with any future drug dependency issues, so feel free to bill your extended stay at Passages Malibu to Warner Brothers and Disney.

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue is a tour de force of disingenuous bullshit and Reagan-era paranoia. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Want to experience the magic? You can watch the entire movie above. It’s 30 minutes long.

(Images Via, Via, Via, Via, Via)

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  • CyberneticOrganism

    We Hate Movies has a hilarious breakdown of this too. Watch the video then listen here: http://www.whmpodcast.com/2014/11/animation-damnation-9-cartoon-all-stars.html

  • Holy cow! What’s happening to that cartoon guy?

    He’s clearly not smoking María Juana! HE’S IN AN AYAHUASCA TRANCE!

  • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

    Ian MacKaye kept me off drugs in school.
    https://youtu.be/aCpwHYRAUyw

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      Funny, I read an interview with ‘im and listened to some of his stuff, and decided there and then I’d die on meth binge.

      • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

        Oh, well uhh, shit

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Tbh, I never had a problem with MacKaye or sXe, I’ve listened to this thing (and some MT comp) a million times and had fun.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Haha, nice! I enjoy Minor Threat quite a bit and he seems like a really cool dude.

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        You wacky Swedes!

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          You’ve crossed a line here.
          And I cannot accept it.
          OVER THE LINE!

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I was waiting for this.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I’m sorry. You must be in quite a turmoil after your Prime Minister resigning.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            There are few, if any, things more hurtful than being called a Swede, so I’ll let this icy remark pass.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Historic beef?

          • mmmmm. historic beef.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Tundra steak!

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            Mammoth Mutton!

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Mammoths are my favourite prehistoric creatures.

          • inb4 something-something Gorak!!!!!

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            (picard facepalm)

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            That plucky cavedweller!

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Mastodon meatloaf

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Aye. And SWEDEN LOLOLOLOLO

  • hieronymus bossk

    NO ANIME

  • Spear

    Watched this a couple years ago with some friends. It’s definitely a thing.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    If you do marijuana you will definitely end up like this guy http://cdn1-www.shocktillyoudrop.com/assets/uploads/2015/11/Bfreak3.jpg

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I had to deal with DARE classes in 5th grade. Fuck that shitty shit.

    • Owlswald

      In case you needed a flashback: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQEG8j0lgeE

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I’d rather not have a flashback. Even though elementary school was a good time for me I hated that.

        • Owlswald

          Looks like it’s gotten worse. This was published in 2013: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBZJsl_Rl9Q

          • They’re still doing this shit?!?!?!!?! WHY

          • more beer

            Because of the funding they get from the war on drugs.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I’m not one to do drugs but I have a question: why do they do this bullshit still? If you tell someone not to do something they will do it anyway.

          • more beer

            Money JJD money. The war on drugs is an industry.A lot of people and agencies have their hands in the pot. Law enforcement. prisons, rehab centers, Alleged educational programs like dare. All get funding because of the war on drugs.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            prisons especially, and the government most of all

          • more beer

            I was just pointing out. That there are a bunch of cottage industries. Because of the war on drugs.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            like for-profit prisons

          • more beer

            I listed prisons.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            well, i just meant there is a difference between regular state-run prisons and for-profit prisons.

            the latter of which didnt come into such demand until recebtly

          • more beer

            Until states decided it was cheaper to sub contract the prisons out. This should never be allowed. If you have to be a guest of the state. It should be in a state run facility.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Pot hehehe

          • Owlswald

            YouTube is filled with “graduation” videos of elementary school kids being forced to sing the song.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I had to sing that but that was before Youtube existed.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I don’t remember having to sing anything

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I had to sing Love Shack when I worked at Johnny Rockets as a second job. Watch and behold my shame:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjQMl-X_ago

          • Owlswald

            Exactly.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I was also taught that cigarettes and alcohol are bad by that program. I don’t smoke but once I get to Universal I’ll have a few drinks.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Please drink good beer.

          • Like a Coors Lite

          • Owlswald

            Shiner Bock

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            PBR or go home!

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            yall are confusing the kid

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I’m going home

          • more beer

            That’s what I would do. Someone left a bunch of those at my house. I didn’t touch them then brought them to a friends house and left them there.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Haha, that’s awesome.

          • more beer

            He doesn’t even drink.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Oooooh, brutal.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            PBR is a Chicago standard! A toast to you!

            http://i.imgur.com/KhwWn3w.gif

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Joe plz!!! Inbev beers are bad.

          • I genuinely like Coors original. It’s cheap af. Full disclosure: this post was written under the influence of a couple of them.

          • So you’re a shill for BIG BEER!?

          • Just as much as you’re in the pocket of BIG MAGARY.

          • Is this a reference to the Deadspin writer? Because that’s a really weird reference that I’m probably missing.

          • Yeah man. One of his literary trademarks is BIG [NON-EXISTENT INDUSTRY].

          • I must’ve contracted Magaria from reading his stuff every once in a while. Guess you gotta put me down.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I can’t knock you for actually enjoying it.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            my fedora has no problem knocking him for his lack of actual taste

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Fair enough.
            But I also know he enjoys good beer.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Can you, oh american-man, enlifhten me as to why is piss like light beer produced?
            I mean, the only guys I’ve ever seen enjoying them have been tourists and Chuck Billy.

          • I like to have several (read: many) drinks without being all hungover to fuck the next day.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            smh

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            So what you’re saying is, y’all pansies?

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            hey dont judge us all like this

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Hangovers are for amateur drunks! You honestly don’t wanna know how much I drank before I went out today.

          • I’m fine with being an amateur drunk. Got too much shit to do to be a booze bag.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Certainly nothing wrong with that. It takes me about a 12 pack to even get knockered.
            PS, speaking of things to do, is that Persona interview a go? 😀

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            What’s some good Finnish beer? I’ve honestly never seen any Finnish alcohol. I’ve had Icelandic vodka, which is sorta somewhat near there.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Idk, some swear in the name off Koff/Karjala/Karhu/Lapin Kulta but those are practically PBR and Coors.
            Recntly I’ve been digging Rekolan Panimo’s products, but you’re not gonna get ’em out of town. Koskipanimo’s Siperian Stout and Laitilan Wivoitusjuomatehdas’ Imperiaali Stout are p good.
            What you need to know about Finnish alcohol is Leijona, Koskenkorva (salmiakki-kossu for mondays), Jaloviina and the holiest of holies, the Big G
            Gambina.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Hmmmmmm, might have to look those last 4 up, but I doubt they could even order them here (Virginia sucks for beer and even more for liquor).

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Cheap and mass produced with commercials nearly pouring it down your throat to the point that people think its how beer is supposed to taste and that actual flavorful beer is nasty.

          • how come Coors Banquet is so oft overlooked? and don’t say it’s bad… cause you’d be wrong.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Like Milwaukee’s Best, or Axe Head.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            *tosses you a Schlitz*

          • damn i used to love the Schlitz original formula they brought back some 10 years ago

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I can’t stand the Blue Bull shit, but the original in a can is my favorite beer.

          • hieronymus bossk

            because people DARE to be stupid. huehuehue

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMhwddNQSWQ

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Classic

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            It’s definitely still in Chicago, at least when I left. The Guardian Angels are still a thing there, especially in 2012.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            This is just bad.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Remember McGruff The Crime Dog? He got busted for, guess it……. drug sniffing dogs found drugs on him.

            http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/feb/8/mcgruff-crime-dog-actor-sentenced-16-years-prison/

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse
    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Lol, same here. By 6th grade, most of my friends were smoking weed.

    • Maik Beninton™

      When I was on 5th and 6th grade, I studied on an Adventist school that had classes in which our teachers would give speeches about drugs, piercing and such that featured traumatizing images.

  • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

    i knew this was a Cashnbillz article.

    also, no such thing as “too lit”

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      What about “too legit”?

      • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

        not possible, either

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          Not even if you’re 2 legit 2 quit?

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFCv86Olk8E

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            MC Hammer is the opposite of legit, or he wouldnt be nearly homeless now

          • you SAY that, but what about Pumps and a Bump??

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            well, ill always do a bump. a pump im not so sure about

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    Lol, me and my friend were talking about that last week (while going into full “get off my lawn” mode since we’re 35, hence old)! The days when you’d actually wake up early, still in pajamas, cereal in hand treating Saturday morning like adults treat Saturday night. Some classics from back in the day (at least for me. And these are complete playlists):

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OE4VkfYaP1w&list=PL1B7BC2060D8E1FD9
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vw69U7jw8VE&list=PL333AF3E727FFB2E7
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pviv1zur9GQ&list=PLr3CjEeUE9iiwHuYqsW2DgeCJrEWz3QlD

  • EsusMoose

    This sounds terrifying

  • Waynecro

    So if I take drugs, all my favorite cartoon pals will show up and hang out with me?

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      Well when you say it like that…

      • Waynecro

        That’s what I got from the video. Ninja Turtles, please end my loneliness! *Huffs a bag of weed*

    • more beer

      Depends what you take!

      • Waynecro

        I used to drink a lot, and I never once saw any pink elephants. That’s false advertising Dumbo.

        • more beer

          You get those during withdrawal not while you are drunk. If I had to guess. You did most of your withdrawing in the hospital. Where you were probably pretty drugged up.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            No, you don’t. Been through DTs. and it’s definitely not pink elephants!

          • more beer

            Pink Elephants are the popular hallucination in cartoons. People absolutely hallucinate while going thru the DTs.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            The best way I can describe it…….. auditory hallucinaions, paranoia, sweating, vomiting, constant nightmares (which were weird even by my standard), not being able to sleep more than 20 minutes at a time, and uncontrollable shaking. I constantly felt like something was out to get me, and I had no idea what it was. Thankfully I’ve never had the full blown deal.

          • more beer

            That is the full blown deal.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Pretty much. It’s hell on earth. Hence why I stick with beer, and skip out on the hard liquor. Been that way for almost 2 1/2 years now. I wanted to grab some E&J for my birthday, but skipped out on it.

          • Waynecro

            Dude, totally. The paranoia was nuts. I was almost grateful when I started seeing monsters and stuff, because then at least there was a reason for the overwhelming feelings of dread.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I didn’t start seeing things, but I was pretty close. It felt like an electric surge in my brain when I started getting the paranoia.

            Going through the line at the liquor store while I’m waiting, trying not to shake, having my hand steady enough to hold the bottle and swipe my card wasn’t exactly fun. I’m not going to joke and sound cheesy when I say this: I’m lucky to be alive, and not have any real health problems from that 3 years of hard drinking.

          • Waynecro

            It’s amazing how suddenly that shit comes on. I was fine one minute, and the next I was ripping out IVs and freaking out. Ain’t nothin’ nice, as my uncle used to say. I’m glad you survived, man.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            hearing you guys’ experiences makes me glad that, despite havin been drinking a fifth of liquor a night, my body never completely shut down on me

          • Waynecro

            Here’s hoping you remain in good health. Maybe all that lifting buffed out your organs.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            well, if you combine the drinking with all the other various things i wind up doing, i must be inhumanly lucky

          • Waynecro

            Luck probably plays a large role. The doctors seem to think I was just unlucky–like I was genetically predisposed to medical issues that sped up and intensified my health problems.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Same here! I still drink a lot, but I’m still in reasonable shape. Well, outside of accidentally tossing my shoes in the dumpster earlier.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I didn’t freak out at the checkout line. I was more like (minus the last part):

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkDplDuh1O8

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Lol, I was so drunk earlier that I accidently tossed my shoes in the dumpster while I was taking out the trash. I had them in my hand along with the garbage, and was about to put them on, aaaaaaaaaaaand…….

          • Waynecro

            I saw North Korean spies, among other things.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Now you just see visions and dreams of your Supreme Leader.

            http://www.moonmontchronicle.com/uploads/3/1/1/0/31106889/4492577.jpg?587

            PS, I killed the spies.

          • Waynecro

            He’d certainly be easier to take seriously if he had a physique like that.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            You’re saying that I, um I mean he, doesn’t have a physique like that?

          • Waynecro

            Dude, even Putin doesn’t have a physique like that, and he wrestles bears in the nude for breakfast.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
          • Waynecro

            They had to restrain me and drug me up. I pulled out all my IVs, and I was getting blood all over the place while trying to escape.

          • more beer

            Yep that sounds about right. I worked I a hospital for a year. Everyone going thru that did crazy shit.

          • Waynecro

            They had to corner me in a bathroom or something. After the whole ordeal ended, I apologized to the entire nursing staff.

          • i had the most real hallucination in the hospital i could have sworn it actually happened. they claimed it was from booze withdrawal because they didn’t want to admit they accidentally cut off my pain meds cold turkey.

          • Waynecro

            I was hallucinating for, like, five different reasons, so I have no idea which problem caused which hallucination. I saw North Korean spies, cult leaders, a flying Virgin Mary, and vampires playing poker (using bags of my blood as bets). At one point, I thought I was in a pyramid that was actually a UFO.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            holy shit

          • damn that’s 1000% cooler than mine. i was breaking and entering a friend’s father’s house to steal some stuff, and wound up falling down a set of stairs over and over again, in slow motion.

          • Waynecro

            How weird. I got out of restraints about three times. I thought various nefarious groups were trying to interrogate me or something. I think they must have wheeled me past the hospital chapel at one point, because I truly believed I was being held captive in a church basement for about three days. I spent every waking moment trying not to think about anything important, because I thought the church leaders were reading my thoughts. Shit was wacky.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            what do you mean you THINK the church leaders were reading your thoughts

          • Waynecro

            Spooky! Good thing magic isn’t real.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            that explains my arrest record

          • more beer

            A six year old can break the restraints they use in a hospital.

          • Waynecro

            It really was surprisingly easy. I remember chuckling about that when I was walking around the hospital, trying to bum cigarettes off staff members.

          • more beer

            It isn’t like what you see in the movies, where they have some big leather restraints or handcuffs. The things are made out of foam and cheap cotton straps.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Sadly, I know that from experience. :-p

          • I told you about the stairs, bro… I told you.

            /seriously though that’s scary and I’m glad you’re ok now. How much were you drinking before?

          • i can quit the internet now, that was the best possible response. 1-2 bottles of wine on weeknights.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            How much were you drinking before?

          • Waynecro

            A couple gallons of whiskey every week. Plus wine and beer. It was bad.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            At my worst, it was a fifth through the course of the day, and fuck knows how much I drank at the bar. Luckily kept my job and managed somehow (aka, a manager/owner who was even drunker than me and I had pull as a head chef).

          • Waynecro

            It’s amazing how functional people can be while drinking that much. I graduated from college with perfect attendance, highest honors, and a 4.0 GPA while drinking 30+ oz. of whiskey and a bottle of wine every night.

          • Good lord. That’s… that’s a lotta booze.

          • Waynecro

            It didn’t seem like it at the time, but it astonishes me now. I was such an asshole.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            You’re not an asshole any more though,

          • Waynecro

            Thanks. If nothing else, I’m a different, more responsible kind of asshole.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Live and learn, man. You’re alive and here with us, smarter than ever, and that in and of itself is a blessing for all of us. Not many would live through that kind of thing.

          • Waynecro

            It was the best learning experience I ever had. I regret the pain my stupidity caused others, though. The moment you realize what a profoundly negative effect your actions have on others, you feel like such a dick. But that feeling is just more motivation not to fuck up like that again.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Lol, I still talk to my best friends back home, and they definitely dealed with more than enough of my whiskey fueled antics. Sometimes the best friends you have are the ones who see the good in you that you don’t see in yourself.

          • Waynecro

            I mostly drank alone, so I didn’t really bother anyone until I had my near-death experience. It’s still hard for my parents and brother to talk about.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Thank god you survived. I don’t talk about my near death experience/suicide attempt with anyone because I don’t remember anything besides waking up. I refuse to ask my parents about it and as soon as I was better I apologized to the three people I was supposed to see that day because they were scared and worried for me. The summer of 2013 past June 29th was not a good month.

          • Waynecro

            I’m really happy you survived, dude.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I drank socially, which is probably even worse. Plenty of times I drank alone, especially after my fiance got deported in 2008. I pretty much gave up on living at that point, and started drinking hard as fuck. A few months later, one of my best friends was beat to death by the cops (long story on that one), and I drank myself into oblivion for the next few years.

          • Waynecro

            That’s brutal, man. I’m really glad you got through all that and survived.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Same to you, man!

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Drinking yourself sober is an actual thing. That’s when you have to really worry. And goddamn that’s a lot of booze! Depressed I’m guessing? That’s what drove my hard drinking. I went through a lot in a short period of time.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            It’s best I don’t drink. I suffer depression among other things and I don’t want to end up drinking myself to death.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            LMAO, you got a long ways to go before you get to that point. Have a sip at a good dive bar, chat it up, hit the jukebox (every jukebox on earth has dad rock), and get laid. That’ll cure your blues in a hurry.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Well the concert venue I go to is basically a dive bar. Sadly The Chance doesn’t have a jukebox.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Then it’s not a real dive bar. And it’s a concert venue, which definitely means it’s not a dive bar. If you’re not putting tunes on a decent jukebox, chatting with at least one old timer at the bar counter, it’s not a good dive bar. And if you’re not talking with an older lady at the bar who’ll school you on the juke box, it’s not a real dive bar.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlhvBeaih2s

          • more beer

            He doesn’t drink so how would he know the difference?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Gallons of whiskey a week? That’s a shit ton of whiskey.

          • Waynecro

            It got really out of hand really fast. When I was day drinking, I’d go through 64+ ounces of whiskey in a day.

          • more beer

            I think the pain meds would have made you physically sick getting cut off like that. But the Alcohol detox is probably they reason for the hallucination. That is very common.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Yikes!!!!

    • Ol Dirty Blastbeard
    • hieronymus bossk

      If that’s true, Randall Thor’s gonna get sodomized by some large, anime creature.

      • Waynecro

        Or maybe he’d get to play grab ass with some busty fan-service anime babes.

  • Count_Breznak

    Are you sure it isn’t just a Michael Jackson biopic from his point of view ? They sorta messed up the end, tho.

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
  • The irony here is that the people who made this are probably on drugs.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    So Eric Burdon and his version of The Animals is touring. It’s coming to Daryl’s House which is a venue out in Pawling which is about a half hour from me. I’m sure he’ll play Spill The Wine and House Of The Rising Sun but I hope he plays this:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69zvFnVa03g

    • my life is changed!

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Isn’t it so exciting?

        • you’re weird. never change.

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Fuck no.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Wrong answer. Eric Burdon is one of the greatest vocalists of all time.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Nope.

  • JWEG

    For absolutely any modern version of Garfield I tend to turn the sound off, the captions on, and imagine the lines being delivered by Lorenzo Music.

    That goes even for the ones with Bill Murray.

    It’s just that thoroughly ingrained into my senses.

  • COAL ROLL

    fun

  • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

    im really loving that Uada that stanley brought up/the post earlier. what a tight one.

  • Eliza

    I remember watching the Nostalgia Critic episode on this short.