Getting Laid at Bandcamp VIII

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Welcome back to hell, campers.


YhdarlAve Maria (Belgium) 2011

There is no comfort, no savior, no help, no hope… There is only suffering and sorrow. Screams and shrieks of torture are echoed and layered upon beautiful distant echoing female chants that complicate and infect my mind. Am I in hell? I feel the usual pain that is sometimes associated with hell, but no… This is different, these screams are driving me insane; they won’t stop. I sense others’ pain and suffering now. It is layered upon my own. It slowly decays my body and eats away at my soul. There is a monster’s voice talking to me now, but… I can’t make it out. It is more distant than the others. WAIT! NO! I hear it much clearer now and it’s so beautiful. The screams of suffering are gone but something doesn’t feel quite right. This monsters voice is chanting now. It sounds ritualistic. I’m ripping off my fingernails. What is going on? I can’t stop this act of self mutilation. OH GOD! OH GOD! NOOOOOO! SATAN! YOU HAVE COME FOR ME! Now I’m screaming with the others and this horror has become monumental. I am now surely in hell, and the suffering is timeless, so I shall make it glorious. These screams no longer bother me. I realize I belong among them. And they are the soundtrack to my misery which I’ve always somehow desired. Around me I see flesh in flames, and the flesh of others is melting into mine; the pain of others has been merged into my own. Lying on a bed of flame while those around me cry for God’s help, I open my mouth for one final scream of agony. A man beside me reaches for me as he is skinned alive, offering comfort as I lay burning and scalped. It is in this very moment that I find I have just finished listening to Ave Maria by Yhdarl. 


ENERGUMENVoid Spiritualism 7”EP (Switzerland) 2014

This brief but dense EP is nothing short of a depraved and savaged onslaught. Blackened guitar riffs, mean and rank as Satan’s breath, lay as more-or-less background to the prominent, blasting drums. I don’t find this to be a bad thing; I actually feel that the upfront drums pack a bigger punch with ENERGUMEN’s savage playing style. There is nothing slow about this demo other than a few breaks that give the band just enough rest to go right back to shredding apart the holy name again. Void Spiritualism is the very first release from these savage warlords. Fans of RevengeBlasphemyConqueror, and Diocletian — get on this now. Thanks to Spear for putting this on This Toilet Tuesday.


QRIXKUORConsecration of the Temple (London, UK) 2014

This is a band that I’ve been sharing with a lot of people recently (most recently our pals Howard Dean and Rob M), but have never written much about. I’ve been listening to QRIXKUOR‘s murky, spacey first demo on and off now for about 5 months. These song structures are so well thought-out that they’re nothing short of brilliant. If you can trudge through the massive reverb-laden production you’ll hear some tight and imposing musicianship. The riffs are grim and mean, while the drums are blistering and a bit technical at times. The production of this album is clearly not for everyone, but I doubt that’s what matters to QRIXKUOR. The truth is that it’s perfect for QRIXKUOR’s desolate and menacing playing style. This demo comes straight out of the crypt of lost souls that screams sorrow. Consecration of the Temple is a hell of an experience that will devastate and conquer. This is by far one of my favorite demos of this year, if not my favorite.


Sheol (שְׁאוֹל) / FōrTehom​/​Ginnungagap (United Kingdom & Sweden) 2014

Tehom​/​Ginnungagap is a short and sweet monument of minacious decay, consisting of only one song from each band. Both of these bands destroy equally, but do it in their own different ways. Sheol keep their death metal simple by playing an old school style similar to bands like Autopsy, Incantation, and Grave Miasma. “Phosphagous Amorpheona” isn’t breaking any new ground, and that is perfectly fine. Sheol make up for it in massive heaviness and grimness. Fōr also keep their death metal old school, but add a much more doomy distastefulness to it. The song “To Envisage a Fuliginous Sun” is hate-filled, pulsating black puss that infects the soul. Fōr combined with Sheol becomes a bomb that explodes the second you push play. This is one of the most horrific death metal splits of this year, coming from seemingly unstoppable label. Be sure to check out tons of other killer releases from Iron Bonehead Productions here.


L’Avenir – L’Avenir S/T (Baltimore, Maryland) 2014

Sometimes I need something dark and soothing to zone out while concentrating on my work. Dark wave/Cold wave and synth pop is something that I’ve just recently begun to dabble in, and its been quite fun and quite depressing at the same time. L’Avenir, a project I just recently ran into, was created by Jason Sloan (who is in many other projects that I’ve not yet to looked into). This S/T pours bleakness and despair, but it is done in a way that it is satisfying and euphoric. The dark, warm background synth pads are complimented with dreary lead synths that add a haunting chill. The vocals remind me of a softer-sung Ian Curtis from Joy Division; beautiful , but uneasy. This is a dark album, but a very warm one, too. Zone out and get lost in it.


Guest Submission of the Week

This weeks Bandcamp artist comes from some jabroni named Christian Molenaar. 

Bastard of the SkiesBastard of the Skies (Lancashire, UK) 2008

On their Bandcamp page, Bastard of the Skies name-check Amphetamine Reptile, Fudge Tunnel, Karp, Harvey Milk, High on Fire and The Melvins. Sure, all those are present in spades, but a lurking hardcore crustiness hides beneath the surface and that’s where the band’s self-titled debut really shines. While the band’s songwriting skills may be in their infancy on this album, the intensity on display here more than makes up for it. The band has a few more releases on their Bandcamp and if they’re any indication, Bastard of the Skies are on to a good thing.

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  • Sir_William_Whalus

    A pilot fish in the maw is worth two on the fin.

    • “They have nothing of harm to dread,
      But liquidly glide on his ghastly flank
      Or before his Gorgonian head;
      Or lurk in the port of serrated teeth
      In white triple tiers of glittering gates,
      And there find a haven when peril’s abroad,
      An asylum in jaws of the Fates!”
      -Herman Melville

      • Sir_William_Whalus

        Never let the words of that genocidal monster be uttered in my presence again, or I shall bid this establishment adieu!

    • Paris Hilton

      A freak in the sheets is worth 2 in the bush.

      • Guacamole Jim

        A freak on a leash is worth 2 in the Korn.

      • Learn to masturbate.
        Come in handy.

  • I’m in a really good mood today. Yhdarl sounds exactly what I need to keep me from lifeloving

  • FeelTheDarkness

    I cut a piece of my index finger off today. It hurt.

    • How big of a piece are we talking here?

      • FeelTheDarkness

        About a quarter of the top of my index finger

        • Wait what happened to the nail?

        • Scrimm

          I know what that feels like. I ripped my pinky finger off once. I don’t recommend it.

          • W.

            Like, the whole finger?

          • Scrimm

            About half. Good times.

          • W.

            Did it get sewn back on?

          • Scrimm

            Yeah with these giant blue stitches that looked like the cruelest fishhooks you will ever see. Sewing doesn’t describe it very well though. They just took a few of those things and jammed them all the way through the finger. No anesthesia either.

          • W.

            Eeewww

          • Scrimm

            Yeah. Watch yourself around folding chairs. Nuff said.

          • Stockhausen

            I think I may stay in bed for the rest of my life.

          • Xan

            I almost got my index finger smashed off in high school. We were putting up a bunch of table and one little dipshit was angry because he didn’t want to work. These tables were big so it required two people to move them. He slammed one of the table legs and my finger essentially was compressed wafer thin. One of the only times I ever cried in high school. It was embarrassing. The other time was during frustration with math.

          • Scrimm

            That almost happened to me breaking down bleachers when I worked at a school. I about killed the other guy.

          • Xan

            I went to a Christian school where there was a no violence policy. I withheld my anger and channeled my innermost hatred toward him till I graduated.

          • Scrimm

            No violence. Just almost violence.

          • Xan

            I could have swung a sledgehammer at his head but let go at the last second. His wounds would have been caused by kinetic energy; it isn’t my fault that hammers do that.

          • Scrimm

            HAHAHA perfect excuse.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Do you have full range of motion, grip, strength, and feeing in it?

          • Scrimm

            The end of it was pretty numb for years but it’s normal now. I did have full range of motion but I broke the knuckle at work and never went to the doctor to have it fixed so I can’t straighten it all the way anymore.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Damn, same digit hurt bad twice.

          • Scrimm

            Yeah I found that funny. At least it wasn’t my fret hand.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Hahahaha!! Do you play and am I the only guy around here who doesn’t?

          • Scrimm

            Yes I do and no I know of a few others who don’t

          • Stockhausen

            OUCHIE

          • Scrimm

            Yeah. Doctor said the numbing shot would hurt worse than the stitches. To his credit he worked FAST.

          • Stockhausen

            To have that skill set means he’s probably sewn more body parts than I care to know.

          • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

            Brutalz

          • Scrimm

            Likely. he didn’t even blink. The people holding me down wouldn’t even look at it.

          • Xan

            Fucking hell. I would have cried like a little bitch.

    • Mehtul as phuq, man. How’d you do it?

      • FeelTheDarkness

        Cutting tomatoes for bruschetta

        • Mehtul as phuqq

        • That is decidedly less mehtul, though totes brutalz.

          Edit: Also, I would suggest next time you cut a large chunk of your finger off, you go to the hospital instead of the toilet.

          • What if he left it in the food?

          • He better have. Eating it will be the only way to regain his power.

          • FeelTheDarkness

            I left the chunk on the cutting board for my sous chef. m/m/

          • crazytaco_12

            ¡m/m/

          • Mother Shabubu III

            Eh, a little long pig never hurt anybody.

          • FeelTheDarkness

            I did go. They had to cauterize it. Couldn’t stitch it.

        • bruschetta!!!!!!!!!! m/

        • pïgchop™

          Hungry knife? What make of blade were you using? Were you headbanging at the time?

          • W.

            I cut myself pretty bad one time because I was headbanging while shaving.

          • Xan

            I did a similar thing.

    • Cock ov Steele

      (Brutal tech death starts playing) But anyways damn man that sucks sorry to hear that.

    • NefariousDude

      Damn dude good luck with that

    • Mr.CustodialArts

      I love SABBATH as much as anybody, but never to the degree that I wished to IOMMI myself. Damn, brother.

      • FeelTheDarkness

        At least I now have something in common with my hero. It happened to my fret hand

        • Mr.CustodialArts

          Well there ya go! Wrong fingers, but still-THE SPIRIT IS TRUE. Better to have that in common than the cancer. #brightside

          • W.

            Also Fredrik Thordendal.

          • FeelTheDarkness

            And Django Reinhardt

          • and Rembrandt Q. Einstein

    • metal!!!!!!!!!!!!! m/

    • Guacamole Jim

      AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

    • M Shadows!

      EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW….EW!
      -M Shadows!

    • Xan

      Jesus fucking Christ. That is horrific.

    • Virgil the Ghost Poet

      Damn. Hope you’re OK.

    • Call the Slambulance

      Fucking stellar. Did you save the piece of your finger?

  • W.

    Tyree, you’ve really outdone yourself on this one. Excellent writing.

  • I think this week wins for most unspellable bands.

    • Stockhausen

      Unspellable band names are like bits of real panther in cologne. That’s how you know it’s good.

    • Mother Shabubu III

      Wait till you get a load of my new band, Llanfair­pwllgwyn­gyllgo­gery­chwyrn­drobwll­llanty­silio­gogo­goch!

      • Guacamole Jim

        You guys sold out after your first unreleased demo though.

        • Mother Shabubu III

          Wait until you hear our new album, “Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” though. We’re releasing a new single called “Antiestablishmentarianism” soon. You’ll love us again.

          • Guacamole Jim

            “The triumphant return of Llanfair­pwllgwyn­gyllgo­gery­chwyrn­drobwll­llanty­silio­gogo­goch to the genre they pioneered, Lollbuttzcore!” – Metalsucks.poop

      • Howard Dean
        • Mother Shabubu III

          Like they say “when you beat ’em to the punch, you take away all their ammo”.

          Metal really is too easy to make fun of now.

        • ugh, i had that once in grade school. Pops had me drink a fifth of Jim Beam to take care of it.

          • Howard Dean

            That’s the way all red-blooded ‘mericans cure their ills. Liquor and GOD.

          • some friends and i are going to see that new remake of Left Behind starring Nicolas Cage. much rocket expected!!!

          • crazytaco_12

            The only way you should watch that movie

          • Drunk? Already in the cards!

  • Guest

    I don’t know if this will show up

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    that yhdari sounds perfect right now—been up all nite–laying here—-and it’s exactly how you described it—

    • This comment is lacking in conspiracy theories, r u ok?

      • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

        ha you guys are funny

    • Stockhausen

      Laying here is a false flag, come on man!

    • W.

      Inside me I’m screaming, but nobody pays any attention. if I had arms, I could kill myself. If I had legs, I could run away. if I had a voice, I could talk and be some kind of company for myself.

      • i have no mouth and i must scream

        • W.

          Solid short story! Good reference is good.

    • Howard Dean

      Is everything ok? Do you need some time with Uncle Howard? Just to sort things out?

  • Stockhausen

    I started following you on Bandcamp, and downloaded that Ydharl when I saw you had gotten it. Holy lolbuttz, man.

    • Edward Meehan

      I was wondering why it looked so familiar and it was because I saw it on your Bandcamp. Touche.

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    I will wager one jar of Jo Bench sweat (BYAH!!!) that none of us could pronounce ALL of these band names properly.

  • W.

    So, just started Yhdarl. This, uh, would make good music for a haunted house.

    • Stockhausen

      Either the most popular or the least popular on your block. Definitely most horrifying.

      • W.

        So far, it reminds me of the background noise behind AEvangelist.

        • Stockhausen

          I can see that. One of these days we’ll have to get Gulaggh up in this place. That’ll put some hair on your melted brain.

          • Howard Dean

            And Stalaghh!

    • yeah i picked up the album at Walmart the other day

      • Somehow I don’t believe Walmart would have it…

      • Tyree

        I bet it was censored for being to evil. I’m sure it sounded like the new Ariana Grande.

        • Since when does mexican food make a sound?

        • Howard Dean

          I bought a Vital Remains CD at Walmart once. Excitedly, I ripped the plastic off and stuffed the disk into the player in my truck.

          It was just twelve consecutive tracks of Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue.”

          • how much u want for that?

          • Howard Dean

            Are you a red-blooded Patriot? If so, it’s free, brother! ‘merica.

            If not, huh, well then, you can just get outta ‘merica right now, CAMELFUCKERSURRENDERMONKEY. We’ll put a boot in yer ass, it’s the ‘merican way! Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list, and ol’ Lady Liberty started ‘a’ shaking her fist!

          • Tyree
          • Howard Dean

            That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

          • Tyree

            Walmart just remastered it. That’s how Vital Remains is supposed to sound, really.

          • Howard Dean

            Br00tal Toby Keith caterwauling vokills are my fave.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Hahahaha!

        • JWG

          I don’t know what the pop music industry’s obsession is with creating 10-year old pop stars as though that will guarantee longevity just because if gives them an extra six years or so to mould them. They could still bomb. Except if they bomb when they’re younger they become an even bigger joke for years thereafter.

          And yes, I know Grande is 20-something (mostly thanks to the Latest Token Black Guy From SNL making a joke about it on the MTV VMAs). She just looks 13.

          …Still creeps me the fuck out every single time I’m forced to endure that video of hers with Iggy Azalea (who at least looks her age) playing in the background. Which happens lots when I’m browsing the hit-and-miss “Metal” section at HMV.

  • Howard Dean

    Nicely done Tyree! Yhdarl is monstrous, and I do like me some Qrixkuor (I remember I looked at buying their CD off of bandcamp, but the shipping was going to be a bit of a dick-kicker). Byah!

  • Ignatius the Wizened

    And lo, life hast dragged like a razorblade keelhaul amidst an ocean of vinegar, and we pack our wounds with the loam of our mountaintops, strip-mined.

  • JWG

    I don’t have a bandcamp account, as I don’t buy quite often enough to bother. My last was motivated by earlier mention of Auroch being on bandcamp.

    Already have ‘Taman Shud’ so I thought it wise to get ‘From Forgotten Worlds’.

    I can also definitively say my next few will be older Conan albums (as in the UK band behind this year’s “Blood Eagle”). I tried for a while to find physical copies, but nothing seems to be in print anymore (unless I want cassettes, which is silly, or vinyl which I don’t have a player for yet).

  • crazytaco_12

    I’m playing that Yhdarl on Halloween for the trick-or-treaters. I may not even have to buy candy with how scary it is.