Get Your Dick Crushed by Dickcrush Records

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We here at Toilet ov Hell have dedicated ourselves to seeking only the most relevant, most lofty, and most artistically pure musical endeavo… Nah. We really like dicks, and we talk about them a lot. My DickDickbuttSatanic Necroboner. Based on the reception these posts have gotten, we assume y’all like schlongs too. Too much, perhaps, for once the dick devil has been unleashed, it cannot be sheathed. Oh well. We have brought this dickocalypse upon ourselves, so we might as well take some pleasure in it. It is under that auspice that we discovered that previously featured dickgrinders Goolagoon had been signed to Dickcrush records. When I messaged Joe Rodengill and Masterdong to see if this label was worth a roundup, I was met with a flurry of approving helicoptering. However, for a whimsical record label like Dickcrush, regular old album reviews won’t do. So instead, I’m going to smash your mind shafts with some silly allegorical tales of phallic devastation.

Lord Slug – Restless

In the year 2030, mankind launched a dozen large shuttles into outer space in a desperate bid to preserve what was left of humanity from the imminent cataclysm. Climate change, autonomous warfare, libertarian politics, and male rights activism had left the Earth a desolate wasteland, but as long as humanity’s best and brightest could be spared, there remained hope. The shuttles drifted through space for twenty long years; there was little to do on board aside from smoking weed or copulating. Unfortunately for homely and chubby Richard Pullman, there were few women on board Shuttle 9, so Richard spent most of his days lighting up and seeking special spots on the shuttle to reach that perfect buzz. Every passing day found Richard trying more desperate measures to get high. One day Richard decided he would go into the anti-gravity dock and light up during a mandatory security lockdown due to a passing meteor shower. Richard had snagged some dank herb, and in his smoked-out state forgot that the normal power used to regulate the on-board temperature was actually being rerouted to the repulsor shields. Richard underestimated how warm he would get hotboxing himself in a full suit of space armor, and finding himself sweaty and baked, soon disrobed and propelled himself through the purple haze to check out the trippy rocks flashing by outside the porthole window.  Suddenly, a meteor ripped through the ship’s hull and smashed directly into Richard’s groin. His dick was crushed.

_____________________

Biledrops – Devastation – Annihilation – Destruction – Extinction

William Turner was an angry young man. He lacked the social graces and charming good looks of many of his affluent classmates, and all his romantic advances during high school had been rebuffed by the bourgeoisie young ladies with whom he was forced to interact. Rather than attempting to develop a valuable skill or improve himself in any way. young Bill projected his aggression outward, dressing all in black and listening to that awful screamy music his classmates hated. As his misanthropy grew, so did his isolation; this feedback loop eventually forced Bill into an almost complete separation from meaningful contact with his classmates. But still, Bill was determined to prove to those shallow women that he was desirable, so he concocted the perfect scheme. Late one night, Bill used the skeleton key set he stole from his older brother’s underwear drawer and broke into the school. Stealthily he snuck around the school with power tools in hand, acquiring the requisite items to complete his last desperate effort to prove his alpha standing. After many hours of hard labor, his task was almost complete. Bill just needed one last pièce de résistance. Using a sawsall he had knicked from the shop room, Bill removed Stacy Stravorsky’s locker from the wall and hauled it to the roof to fasten it atop his effigial monolith of virility he had erected through his hard labors. This tower, this bastion of his love would surely show Stacy how desirable he was. Finally, Bill completed his shrine just as the BMWs and Ford Mustangs owned by his classmates rolled into the parking lot. As Stacy approached the main entrance Bill swung himself out upon his parapet and professed his love to the object of his affection. Suddenly, the locker jarred loose, and the entire contraption plummeted to the ground below in a clatter of industrial tools and metallic plates. The locker itself landed atop Bill’s pelvis. His dick was crushed.

_____________________

Gliese 436 B – Gas and Dust

Manny Long was a self-professed nerd. He played D’n’D on the weekends with his old college buddies. He watched anime with his girlfriend. He worked at a software company. Most importantly, though, he was obsessed with the thought of extraterrestrial life. So much so that Manny spent most of his time when he wasn’t at work or hanging with his friends trying to pick up signals from outer space. Manny had earned a degree in sound engineering, and he was certain that with the right equipment human beings could find alien life. Perhaps then we could contact them. Then, bright men like Manny may even be able to meet them face to face. And, if everything worked just so, men like Manny could mate with them. That was his dream, anyway. So Manny toiled on for years on r/conspiracy and other sites doing all that he could to learn of space signals and to build connections with other like-minded UFO enthusiasts. Finally, late one August night, Manny got an invitation from SETI to visit the Allen Telescope Array near San Francisco. He had been working on some new audio software that the SETI scientists were interested in testing, so he was asked to join a research team. Manny spent several nights scanning the stars, using his new software in an attempt to identify a certain kind of signal. Then, one fateful evening, the impossible happened. A signal the SETI team had sent into space with Manny’s program bounced back. Even more intriguingly was that the object seemed to be approaching Earth. Rapidly, and it was heading straight for the ATA facility. Manny and the others stepped outside to survey the oncoming object. As it entered the atmosphere, the heat from reentry reflected off a visibly metallic surface. As the realization that the object likely was not going to stop dawned on everyone, the research team began scattering away from the satellite. Everyone except Manny. The object struck the main array, crippling the infrastructure, before smashing into the ground just few dozen yards from Manny. As the dust settled, Manny stood still, certain that his time had come. A strange, alien light shone from the crater as a hatch opened in the stellar object. Suddenly, a gorgeous, green-skinned woman climbed out of the craft. As she seductively sauntered up the crater towards Manny, the researcher found himself paralyzed with lust. Just then, the destabilized satellite superstructure collapsed, and a main support joist swung down and collided with his midsection. His dick was crushed.

_____________________
I hope you’ve found these stories stimulating. In all seriousness, there’s a huge amount of diversity on this roster, and all of the groups listed here are rising stars in their field. You should definitely check all of these emissions out and drop them some ducats from your coin pouch. There are a whole host of items to objectify on Facebook, Bandcamp, and the Dickcrush store. Now, go forth and crush dicks in the comments, my friends. Peni, vidi, vici, as they say. Just don’t post any dick pics. Some of us browse this site at work, you dick.
(All Photos VIA)
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  • The W.

    To stave off any potential whining that I didn’t actually describe the music: that Lord Slug album/track sounds like Dopesmoker in space. Biledrops play noisegrind. Gilese 436 B make space noise that is pretty interesting.

    • Only a true imbecile would prefer descriptions over an anthology of crushed dicks.

      • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

        Crushed dicks >>>> sound description.

    • Lacertilian

      Dopesmoker in space?
      This, I must investigate

  • Maik Beninton
    • Sir Tapir the Based™

      Now we wait for Guac Jim.

      • He just gets weirder and weirder….

        • TheRedman(formerly God ov All)

          And I love it

      • Look that weird smile, HE IS Guacamole!

  • Dean the P.I. Staker

    *Get Your Dick Stapled by Dickstaple Records

    FTFY

    • Scrimm

      We wrote a song for a side project about an old bandmember and called it Dickskinner.

      • Tyree

        There is a particular scene I’d like to use from Hostel 2 for this, but I’d get in trouble from the toilet police.

  • Scrimm

    Yer a weird guy, W.

    • The W.

      The birds were chirping. The sun was shining. My lovely wife was sitting on the couch studying, and there I was writing about dudes getting their dicks crushed on a toilet-themed extreme metal blog.

      • Scrimm

        It’s definitely a good weird.

      • Dagon

        What would only make it complete was if she was studying penile fractures.

        I had a killer presentation on those a couple years ago. Everyone loved it

  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

    So, wich one of those stories is Masterlord’s biography?

  • Maik Beninton
  • CyberneticOrganism
  • J.R.

    -dickocalypse
    -Missing out on “aCockalypse”
    YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE

  • Dean the P.I. Staker

    Not to distract from the important dickcrushing or buttdicking, but High in Fire released some more info about their new album today, as well as summer tour plans! They will be touring with Pallbearer, Lucifer, and Venomous Maximum in support of the new album. Byah!

    http://www.nocleansinging.com/2015/05/12/high-on-fire-new-album-new-song-new-tour/

    • The W.

      And a new song.

      • Dean the P.I. Staker

        Yessir! Tasty jams.

    • You gotta get back in the Facebook group, this stuff’s all there already. Byah nonetheless.

      • *wants to say something snarky about Facebook*
        *cannot think of anything*

        GL

        • The W.

          But the FB group would be the perfect place to discuss Veil of Maya. The point is is that the blog is more catered to individual topics and well-written articles. The FB group is for the mayhem some of y’all seem to crave. They are two sides of the same coin.

          • 1.) TOH posts about new Veil Of Maya music
            2.) I comment about Veil of Maya’s new music
            3.) My comment is deemed not on topic and is down voted

            Granted, I realize it was in another article, but what the hell?

            Whatevs.

            GL

          • The W.

            I’d say it was unnecessary to downvote you.

          • downvoting GL… you know that’s a paddlin’

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I don’t get why we even have a downvote button. Most of the chit people say here is pretty awesome.

          • Scrimm

            DOWNVOTED

          • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)
          • Dagon

            Who was it? Just show me where they are, baby girl, and I’ll get them!

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            I hear you, GL. In the past couple of months, I’ve been getting downvoted like crazy. It’s like “hey, remember when the ToH posted about Enslaved’s new album In Times? Well, I just bought it, and it’s awesome! Here’s what I like about it! [insert explanation] What do you all think?” And then boom! Downvotes.

          • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

            I didn’t know you could downvote. Most Disqus pages I’ve been to have disabled it for some odd reason.

          • it won’t show a number, but if you’re using Chrome, right-click the down arrow and chose “inspect element”… then it’ll show you how many a comment has. it’s almost not worth it in the end.

          • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

            I use Firefox, so it probably wouldn’t even show up on there.

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            You can still downvote even though disqus altered the format a few years ago, it just doesn’t outwardly show the tally. However, if you ever see that your comment is below other comments that have fewer upvotes than yours (when on the sort by best” setting, of course) it’s probably been downvoted. If you right click on the down arrow and click “inspect element,” you can take a look at the voting functions code and see how many downvotes you have (it looks something like “vote down count -1” or something along those lines.

      • Dean the P.I. Staker

        The Facebook group was an endless time suck that filled my news feed with equal parts metal news and random garbage. I couldn’t take it anymore, nor did I have the energy to follow it.

        To be fair, I always thought the ToH website itself was supposed to be the focus for metal news and discussion, not the community Facebook page. However, I know the FB page quickly eclipsed the blog as the source for news and discussion from the few dozen ToH regulars, both in terms of volume and relevance, and the blog fell by the wayside accordingly. But I still pine for metal discussions, and–call me antiquated–but I thought this blog was supposed to be the place for it.

        EDIT: I do miss my Venezuelan gore videos, though.

        • The blog has never been super current with news because we do 4 posts a day and we schedule the night before.

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            I totally understand the planning ahead and scheduling that goes along with it. It’s tough, and with everyone’s schedules, it’s easiest to set the articles in advance.

            I just like reading about and discussing metal, and in particular, I like discussing metal with those who make up the ToH community. That’s why I read Metalsucks back in the day, and that’s why I started following ToH after the exodus. But essentially I have people say I need to follow a Facebook group because I tried to discuss metal news on a metal blog in the middle of a dick crushing joke session. That’s a little hard to take.

          • That is the nature of how blog posts work though (although there is an open thread coming in an hour): an author writes about a topic and the subject is then open to discussion. You have written posts for this very blog – would it not bum you out knowing that you spent hours working on a post to have the readers completely ignore your work for completely off-topic discussion?

            Knowing the limitations of what we can post in a day and attempting to be fair to the subjects and the authors that write about them, the Facebook group makes the most sense to me for additional discussion.

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            I understand. I guess it just kinda bums me out. If I’m not mistaken, the reason the ToH was created was to create a place for discussion/expression (both metal related and unrelated, and relevant/irrelevant). When Metalsucks clamped down on their commenters in order to avoid wandering discussions, the ToH was the reaction.

            Knowing the breadth and inclusiveness of the Facebook group compared to the perceived limitations of the blog, it makes me question the necessity and relevance of the blog. The same couple dozen people who read the blog mostly use the Facebook group, so it makes one question the need for the blog itself. Is it to give the same small community the chance to tell inside jokes in blog form that nobody outside the circle understands? Gosh, I hope not.

          • You’re mistaking commenters with readers. Far more people read the blog than comment on it.

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            I would like to think that, but I don’t really believe that is true in most cases. Day in and day out, for most articles (I’m excluding ones that get abnormal outside attention, like Randall Thor’s Blind Guardian article), most articles have roughly the same amount of views–a few hundred the first day, maybe 800-1000 after a few weeks. I remember what it was like to check the blog incessantly–I probably revisited and refreshed articles dozens of times per day. And very likely that’s what most of the others are doing, too. So though I would like to think that the article with 955 views represents several hundred independent hits/readers, I know that is not the reality.

            The ToH has been fun and is fun. But for the most part, it is a small, inclusive community of a couple dozen regulars who enjoy similar topics and inside jokes. And I would bet this small community of a couple dozen accounts for 90%+ of the page ciews, and nearly 100% of the writing, reading, and commenting.

          • Participation within TOH is a pretty tight-knit community, you are correct. Looking at uniques with our analytics tools tells me that we have far more visitors than just the folks you see commenting every day.

          • everyone’s boss discovered their Disqus profiles

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I once actually mentioned to my boss that I post on here. She giggled at the name and said that it didn’t surprise her.

          • The W.

            I work at a university. They give zero craps about what I do.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I work at a publishers library, basically anything short of outright porn can be passed off as research.

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            That makes me understand the often confounding and maddening education system in the U.S. a whole lot more.

          • The W.

            There’s a lot that’s baffling about higher ed, HD. That said, academics are some of the hardest working people around. Most of us, me included, take work home with us and spend a lot of nights and weekends doing research.

          • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

            On the top bunk!

          • Tyree
          • The W.

            Haha. I only get paid half-time for a full week of work too 🙂

          • Tyree

            You probably smoke weed with your students too?

            http://i.imgur.com/6FqUtEa.gif

          • The W.

            I’ve gotten beers with some after hours.

          • Tyree

            Good man.

          • Dagon

            Dude, some professor in art brouhalos in San Diego is getting students naked for a final assignment.

            I think TovH is in the clear.

          • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

            And you know like hell people are gonna be clutching their pearls and protesting that. Lo and behold, the sounds of jimmies being rustled in the wind.

          • Dagon

            Hahaha, yeah. I mean, I wouldn’t take that class because I am a meathead when it comes to “art” and what it means to some of these kids, but if you’re cool with it, do you, man.

          • The W.

            Actually, a lot of us only started being so off-topic in the comments on Metalsucks because we disliked the content. We didn’t start a blog to cater to every crazy discussion (at least that’s not why I got involved). We started the blog to provide better content. I genuinely think we do that.

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            It pains me to say it, but I guess that is why I’ve been so “off topic” lately. I like to discuss metal–in particular, relevant metal news. While there is a fair share of it here, too, there is a whole bunch of stuff to which I don’t relate and have no interest.

            In this regard, it appears as though the Facebook group would be a better fit for me. But I can’t go back to the nonstop, life-sucking insanity of that group. I couldn’t keep up with the deluge of news, random discussions, moshing videos, and life stories if I devoted half my day to it!

          • The W.

            You don’t have to respond to everything. Most of us with jobs don’t.

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            Yeah, totally, and I really don’t comment on everything anymore. Far from it, really. I used to discuss everything, and commented on every articles. Now, I sometimes go days without commenting on the Toilet. The only thing I follow with real regularity is RotW. Hell, I even stopped Bolt Thrower-ing ol’ Jacky Bauer’s tech death Thursday!

            I think I just need to start commenting on the metal-archives or NWN! forums more. Because that’s what I’m after–discussion. I often see something announced on Facebook or some random label/distro page, and I want to see what others think about it. I understand now that this isn’t the place for that.

          • The W.

            Eh, there are still plenty of posts here that are more open to discussion. Honestly, I don’t really care with this post since it is more lighthearted in nature, but it would be cool to know if anyone actually checked out the excellent groups featured here.

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            I actually checked out the label’s bandcamp page and a few of their split releases. And then I made the joke about Dickstaple Records (in honor of Tyree, of course).

          • The W.

            You did indeed. You’re a Sleep fan, right?

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            Yes. Sleep’s Holy Mountain and Dopesmoker, mostly. I even have an original TeePee records pressing of Dopesmoker on CD!

          • The W.

            Definitely check out that Lord Slug release up there then.

          • I have the original pressing on vinyl <3

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            Byah! I love the original album art so much. Way better than the artwork on the reissue.

          • I like both, but I definitely prefer the new art. It’s just a gorgeous piece

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            Seriously? Damn. For me, the old art–with that crazy, creepy, wild-eyed horseman–is just the bee’s knees.

          • You’re talking to the power metal guy, so my natural instinct is to go for the more dramatically striking and cleaner pieces like that

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            But, to use a real example from a few weeks ago: If I see that Mikko Aspa has a new interview wherein he talks about the new Clandestine Blaze album and announces that a new Mgla album is in the works to be released on Northern Heritage, I shouldn’t mention it in the comments, unless the articles happens to be about Mikko or Clandestine Blaze or Mgla, or the article is an open swim. Frankly, if it’s very “new” news, I want to get it out there to people who are fans, and see what they have to say. I can do that on a forum. With what I understand about this blog now, I shouldn’t do that here. For me, that makes a strong case for metal-related forums.

          • The W.

            I think that goes back to the Facebook comment. If you remember, this site initially had forums. Those became difficult for Joe to manage and operate properly, so he started the Facebook group as a substitute. But you’re right in that the FB group often has very non-metal discussions and can be chaotic. I don’t know what the fix is.

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            I don’t think there is a fix, and that’s ok. I remember the difficulties in finding the appropriate places for discussion/content/news/random things. I know a lot of people really enjoy the FB group. From my time in the FB group(s), I remember that many people actually spent a lot more time active in the groups than they did on the blog, and many of those same people seldom if ever actually talked about metal. It was a fun community for general discussion. I get that. So, it’s probably best to just keep it the way it is. That a grumpy curmudgeon like me can’t or doesn’t want to sift through the huge amount of stuff to find the discussions in which I’d like to participate doesn’t mean the whole format should change for everyone. It just means that I (and people like me) don’t really fit the mold in either place.

          • no stick around here, Dean. we need you. i think you hit the nail on the head, it’s just for different styles of social media bro’s. though i love everyone there, it’s tough for a dude like me to keep up with the FB group. i TRY to get on after work every few days, but then i gotta mow the yard or something. speaking of… i see some damn kids running across it now!

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            The kids and the random animals have been terrible this year, running all over ma yard like they own it. It’s my yard, damnit! I maintain it! I pay taxes on it! Get yer grubby feet off it, you damn kid/deer/stray cat/coyote/black bear!

          • Scrimm

            Understandable but sad. You are missed.

          • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

            Meanwhile the FB page has a post every 4 minutes it seems.

        • the FB group is like a slick, hip bar with tons of cool people. i’m getting older and crankier, just gimme that dank bar with cheap pitchers of PBR and a jukebox with the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack on it!

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            Hear hear, Jimmy.

        • I’ve a got a gory venezuelan death that I will publish today and you aren’t there >_>)

          • Dean the P.I. Staker

            Ahh, that sucks that I’ll miss it. I guess I’ll just have to visit bestgore and watch a Mexican beheading if I feel the need for horribly unsettling gore. 🙂

      • I prefer to come here over the FB group too. Certain petulant children in the group have blocked me in a strange act of supercilious pontification, so I don’t get to see what is obviously the most important content that gets posted there.

        • Guacamole Jim

          Were you banned from RHRC or Toilet of Hell FB Group? RHRC kinda went off the rails a while back…

          • The W.

            Yah, most people abandoned it. I still lurk it.

          • I’m pretty sure I left it. Just rather keep up on the official ToH bidnezz

          • I left RHRC. I am a in the current ToH group.

          • The W.

            I’ve seen you post a few things. Not sure what you mean about being blocked?

          • Enslamitized Moshectomy

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Hail mighty shclong & commence the crushing!

  • This is relevant to this discussion.
    http://youtu.be/qo1kjl8wL_U

  • The W.

    But seriously, I think a lot of you doom heads would like Lord Slug. They also play grindy stuff. There are a ton of grind bands on the label.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I’m sure I saw a movie about exploding penises once, though I may have dreamed it. I have a lot of dreams about genital violence.

    • The W.

      Sometimes I have flashbacks to Teeth and feel a cold sweat running down my back.

      • Tyree

        I watched a documentary on Kurt Cobain last night and had nightmares all through out the night about Courtney Love. Horrifying.

        • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

          She’s probably just hiding under your bed.

          • Tyree

            That’s why I sleep next to a shot gun. Just in case she decides to come out from under there.

          • The W.

            Is it for yourself?

          • Tyree

            Yes, except every time I do my self in I wake up in the same bed, at the same time, with the same PJ’s on, with the same parasite living under my bed. Killing her is the correct solution I guess.

          • The W.

            You wear PJs?

          • maybe he meant TPs?

          • Tyree

            Getting to warm for those any more.

          • The W.

            Gotcha. I wear them around the house, but not while I sleep. Too hot for that most nights.

          • INCREDIBEARD

            This is verging on erotica

          • The W.

            It doesn’t get any sexier. Just hairier.

          • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

            And oilier.

          • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

            While you sleep with your love pillow?

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SV6Yg6ZkolQ

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I feel like a can of Raid might be more effective.

          • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)
          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            lol with a sawed off and your suicide note?

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        I feel like that one should have been more graphic. It was good fun, but when it comes to wang munching I think less is not more.

        • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

          I dunno, that end scene was pretty fucking graphic.

      • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)
    • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

      Lol, I just got done watching the gluten episode of South Park last night, which is what you may be thinking of.

    • JWG

      Transformation scene in WOLFCOP. Dick first.

      That’s not even the strangest thing about the film, but at least it revels in its own weirdness for pure comedy’s sake. It’s definitely my favourite werewolf themed film since Ginger Snaps.

      …And definitely my favourite one about a Wolf Cop.

    • Jointsalot

      Might be from the film clip Cephalic Carnage song ohrwurm. Should say NSFW
      https://youtu.be/C-cP3M_QUxo

  • INCREDIBEARD
  • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)
    • The W.

      Ha, I was wondering if anyone was going to comment on that.

      • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

        Oh you know if there;s dick, ass or fart jokes to be had, I bring the big guns! 😉

    • are those from Emma Stone Movie A?

      • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

        Nope, Superbad.

        • ah, it’s official title

          • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

            Easy A was a whole other movie.

          • i was joking around, as in doesn’t matter what happened in the film, it was just Emma Stone doing something (and the first movie in which i saw her).

            Easy A >>>>>>>>>>>>>

    • Dagon

      I wish I could upvote you so many times…

      • Lord Flashheart (aka KJU)

        Awwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! That just made my heart (and wiener) grow three sizes!