Gene Simmons is Business and So Can You!

Have you ever found yourself thinking aloud “Man, I’d love to know how to properly market my brand to millions of fools who would buy just about anything?” Have you ever woken up in the morning feeling like the icy fingers of death are clutching your throat like Richard Ramirez because there isn’t a pair of socks with your band’s logo on them? Have you ever been unable to afford a colonoscopy because you haven’t sold a colonoscopy machine with your face on it in order to pay for that colonoscopy? Well my friends worry no more because Gene Simmons has you covered! Not financially, though.On September 18th for one night only you, my savvy friend, could attend the Gene Simmons Business Symposium! [Editor’s Note: Oops. Sorry y’all]. That’s right! A business symposium hosted by none other than the most fuckingest man on the planet. If you buy a shockingly reasonably priced ticket you can learn to do things such as:

GET YOUR HEAD MADE INTO A COOKIE JAR

Heads are great. Cookies are great. Wouldn’t it be great to store cookies inside of your head? Well if you attend Gene Simmons Business Symposium you can learn how to get your hideous visage sculpted into a ceramic prison for sweets and turn the idea of a delightful dessert into a living nightmare for your friends and family. BONUS: Gene will show you exactly how to contort your face and tongue for maximum embarrassment when your children’s friends come over and have to reach into the hollow of your replicated skull for a sugar rush!

ALLEVIATE THE STRESS OF THE ELECTION CYCLE BY KISS-IFYING THE CANDIDATES

As someone paying money to see Gene Simmons speak publicly in a casino, you’re probably lacking in good judgement but want to show the world that you just don’t care. Well, Gene Simmons is just the man to show YOU how to show THE WORLD that you do not give one single, little iota of a fuck than by turning the candidates of our current election cycle into members of KISS. This Thanksgiving whenever your drunken uncle inevitably starts rambling about how Ronald Reagan was the only non-reptoid to ever run for office our country, you can prove him hella wrong with your candidate of choice in full KISS makeup. Humans are the only worthy members of the KISS army after all.

NOTE: It may work out better for some candidates than others.
kissobama

HOW TO RAISE A CHILD THAT IS BAD, BUT NOT AS BAD AS HULK HOGAN’S

Parenting is tough. Bringing a life into this world and then trying to shape it into a decent, understanding human being from the stupid lump of meat and fat it enters the world as. Well, Gene Simmons can’t help you with that, but he can make damn sure that if you’re also raising a son named Nick that he will be less of a pile of shit than another fading stars son of the same name. Sure, you may have to deal with the shame of your spawn spending countless hours drawing shirtless men and being too lazy to even come up with his own shirtless men, but Gene Simmons can guarantee that your son will never leave another person in a vegetative state for the remainder of their existence OR try to become a nightclub DJ. Mainly because they will never leave the house.

HOW TO SLAP YOUR NAME ON LITERALLY ANYTHING AND SELL IT

No, seriously. Do you think Gene Simmons got famous because he can write songs? Hell no! That’s what Peter Criss was for! The genius of Gene Simmons, as he will show you at Gene Simmons Business Symposium, is riding on other people’s talents and then cashing in in every way possible. Have you ever known anyone else other than Kerry King than could possibly do such a thing and then sell something like this bomb ass shower curtain?

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I didn’t think so!

PET ALL OF HIS AXE SHAPED BASS GUITARS

No, this is seriously a thing that you can do if you buy tickets if you haven’t done it already.

How can you, a pathetic loser with no business acumen, possibly say no to this incredible opportunity? YOU CAN’T. Choosing not to go would very clearly be a poor business investment, and you could be learning all about that if you attend Gene Simmon’s Business Symposium at the Morongo Casino in California. Remember, you can’t spell Morongo without moron!

You should probably just listen to Love Gun on repeat instead.

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Published on: September 21, 2016

Filled Under: Lolbuttz

Views: 657

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  • “Heads are great. Cookies are great. Wouldn’t it be great to store cookies inside of your head?”

    I think TovH has a new tagline.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Fucking hate Kiss.

    • My old roommate loved Kiss. He collected all kinds of stupid shit and put it all over the basement. It made my hate for them grow even stronger over the years.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        I like this story and I like hating Kiss.

        • It’s fun to hate Kiss. They really do fucking suck.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            They fucking blow hard, bro.

          • I Was Made For Hatin’ Kiss.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Hahaha.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            KSOFM and Tyree plz! Its cold gin time again!

            https://youtu.be/XAU4B4Fmhkg

          • I hate gin. Almost as much as I hate this song.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Joe plz!!! Gin is a refreshing drink!

          • ME GORAK™ GORAK SMASH™

            SORRY BOSS, JOE RIGHT!!!!!!! GIN SUCK BIG ONE!!!!!!!!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            YOU’RE ALL WRONG ABOUT KISS AND GIN!!!!!!!

          • ME GORAK™ GORAK SMASH™

            KISS HAVE SOME OK SONGS!!!!!! BOUGHT 2 BOTTLES OV GIN EVER, 1 CHEAP(GILBY???) 1 NOT(BOMBAY SAPPHIRE) & ONLY DIFFERENCE WAS $20 MORE AMERICAN DOLLAR!!!!!!!!! GORAK STICK 2 TEQUILA!!!!!!!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            HAHAHAHA!!!!!
            I’m not even mad anymore.

          • Waynecro

            My ex used to drink gin all the time. Now the smell of the stuff makes me want to start fires.

          • Scrimm

            So gross

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Hahahaha. Strutter and Black Diamond ain’t bad. But fuck Kiss anyway.

        • tigeraid

          They’re truly just the fucking worst.

          Except War Machine. That’s a killer riff.

          • ME GORAK™ GORAK SMASH™

            GOD OV THUNDER!!!!!!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            AND ROCK N ROLL!!!!

    • Óðinn

      Agreed. I fucking hate Kiss too.

    • Tampaxon, Flusher Of Gods
    • Damage_Inc89

      Yeah I’m commenting on a month-old post, but I’m working late, so fuck it.

      I also think Kiss is about as overrated as they come, but I will say that I think covers of Kiss can be a lot of fun. I forget who it was that said it, but there was some article I found where a guy said that any band that covers Kiss always puts 1000x more energy into the performance than Kiss ever did haha.

      The Death and Entombed versions of God of Thunder are both pretty great, and I think I’ve also heard a cover of Detroit Rock City that was pretty good too, though I forget who did it.

      But yeah, otherwise I could not care less about Kiss.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Hahaha. Agreed.

  • I always did want kiss to watch me as I washed my anus in the shower.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Bro, I have the exact same wish. WEIRD!

      • I guess I could always use the curtain to wipe my anus too.

  • Waynecro

    I still remember the first time I saw Gene Simmons without his makeup. I was blown away by how much different the makeup makes him look. Do you think he’ll start his conference with a sweet round of warm-up dancing? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b8b5faf9c4d62e6b8cbb0baabc8e841dd6dd9c2d8f3c843bbad38094025032ab.jpg

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    I have a few Kiss records(sadly, in well used condition) that I’ll give to anyone who wants them, just pay the shipping

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Which ones?

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        The shitty ones, DERP!

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Well I don’t want the shitty ones!

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            they are ALL shit Ross

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            NOPE NOPE NOPE

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            you’re a rare bird who thinks they are Ssik

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            I will stand by their first 6 albums til the day I die.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            You would.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            gene simmons will gladly sell you branded casket

          • There is an Anal Cunt live track somewhere that I want to find. It’s basically Seth insulting Gene Simmons. Quality stuff.

          • Sung In The Key Of Gene Simmons Counting Money]

            You’d better watch out
            I own a bank mahine
            You only took out 10
            I charged you for 19
            You’d better watch out
            I’m a jew named gene
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXp_5Exm-kQ

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Woah, there. I’m all about the tunes, not the people. Except Space Ace.

          • CT-12

            With you there man. I love me some KISS. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zod3TQJ3D1g

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            HAIL

        • Elegant Gazing Globe

          that could be any of them

          • more beer

            Or all of them!

      • Elegant Gazing Globe

        I’m not entirely sure, I’ll pull them out tonight and shoot you a message

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Right on!

    • Ayreonaut

      Why bother when the garbage man will them for FREE

  • Also Detroit Rock City the movie sucks. So much suck.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwAdUC-QFaw

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    petition for the next TovH tshirt to have the logo in Kiss’ font

    • Waynecro

      would buy but would not be happy about it

    • Tampaxon, Flusher Of Gods

      And all that money would cover 1/1000 of Joe’s lawyer fees after Gene finds out. If there’s one person on Earth who’s more sue-happy than Disney and Trump, it’s Gene Simmons.

  • tigeraid

    I don’t think I hate any man as much as I hate Gene Simmons.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Gene Simmons is a buttz.

    • This was actually a concern amongst mothers at the PTA.

  • Guppusmaximus

    Yup… The day that that root thumper sued KING FUCKING DIAMOND was the day I starting despising that fucking prick Gene Simmons. Yea, sure, he would ruin his legacy to rip off a hack like you, Gene. Sure fucking thing. FUCK YOU!!

  • CT-12

    Kiss rules, and that’s all I have to say on the subject.