Have you ever found yourself thinking aloud “Man, I’d love to know how to properly market my brand to millions of fools who would buy just about anything?” Have you ever woken up in the morning feeling like the icy fingers of death are clutching your throat like Richard Ramirez because there isn’t a pair of socks with your band’s logo on them? Have you ever been unable to afford a colonoscopy because you haven’t sold a colonoscopy machine with your face on it in order to pay for that colonoscopy? Well my friends worry no more because Gene Simmons has you covered! Not financially, though.On September 18th for one night only you, my savvy friend, could attend the Gene Simmons Business Symposium! [Editor’s Note: Oops. Sorry y’all]. That’s right! A business symposium hosted by none other than the most fuckingest man on the planet. If you buy a shockingly reasonably priced ticket you can learn to do things such as:
Heads are great. Cookies are great. Wouldn’t it be great to store cookies inside of your head? Well if you attend Gene Simmons Business Symposium you can learn how to get your hideous visage sculpted into a ceramic prison for sweets and turn the idea of a delightful dessert into a living nightmare for your friends and family. BONUS: Gene will show you exactly how to contort your face and tongue for maximum embarrassment when your children’s friends come over and have to reach into the hollow of your replicated skull for a sugar rush!
ALLEVIATE THE STRESS OF THE ELECTION CYCLE BY KISS-IFYING THE CANDIDATES
As someone paying money to see Gene Simmons speak publicly in a casino, you’re probably lacking in good judgement but want to show the world that you just don’t care. Well, Gene Simmons is just the man to show YOU how to show THE WORLD that you do not give one single, little iota of a fuck than by turning the candidates of our current election cycle into members of KISS. This Thanksgiving whenever your drunken uncle inevitably starts rambling about how Ronald Reagan was the only non-reptoid to ever run for office our country, you can prove him hella wrong with your candidate of choice in full KISS makeup. Humans are the only worthy members of the KISS army after all.
HOW TO RAISE A CHILD THAT IS BAD, BUT NOT AS BAD AS HULK HOGAN’S
Parenting is tough. Bringing a life into this world and then trying to shape it into a decent, understanding human being from the stupid lump of meat and fat it enters the world as. Well, Gene Simmons can’t help you with that, but he can make damn sure that if you’re also raising a son named Nick that he will be less of a pile of shit than another fading stars son of the same name. Sure, you may have to deal with the shame of your spawn spending countless hours drawing shirtless men and being too lazy to even come up with his own shirtless men, but Gene Simmons can guarantee that your son will never leave another person in a vegetative state for the remainder of their existence OR try to become a nightclub DJ. Mainly because they will never leave the house.
HOW TO SLAP YOUR NAME ON LITERALLY ANYTHING AND SELL IT
No, seriously. Do you think Gene Simmons got famous because he can write songs? Hell no! That’s what Peter Criss was for! The genius of Gene Simmons, as he will show you at Gene Simmons Business Symposium, is riding on other people’s talents and then cashing in in every way possible. Have you ever known anyone else other than Kerry King than could possibly do such a thing and then sell something like this bomb ass shower curtain?
I didn’t think so!
PET ALL OF HIS AXE SHAPED BASS GUITARS
No, this is seriously a thing that you can do if you buy tickets if you haven’t done it already.
How can you, a pathetic loser with no business acumen, possibly say no to this incredible opportunity? YOU CAN’T. Choosing not to go would very clearly be a poor business investment, and you could be learning all about that if you attend Gene Simmon’s Business Symposium at the Morongo Casino in California. Remember, you can’t spell Morongo without moron!
You should probably just listen to Love Gun on repeat instead.